I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

tiistaina, tammikuuta 16, 2007

you won. are you happy now?

if you're trying to make me hate you and leave, you're damn well succeeding.

i'm not even going to go on with the intended mushy stuff. the i love you so much and don't want to hurt you crap. because its just turned into that, its crap.

i don't appreciate being told to "better do" something. it would be nice if you could say please or thank you once in a while.

i don't appreciate you always looking down on me. it would be nice if just sometimes, you could see that i could be right.

i don't appreciate having things thrown at me because of small little things. it would be nice if you had asked me to do those things in the first place and not kept mum about it and expected me to do it. i don't believe its common sense, and i'm sorry, but i don't read rolling eyes.

if you know i'm a certain way, can't you make things easier for me and try to accept me for how i am, instead of trying to change me and throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't work.

i don't appreciate you always telling me that i'm not doing anything. what do you think i do in my bedroom? i don't think reading or looking for jobs on the internet qualifies as doing nothing.

and you know what. i hate to say this, but i love you less and less everyday. you just wear me out and rub me the wrong way. because everything i do, to you, is wrong and bad and inconsequential.

if i run away one day, don't worry about me and don't find me. it means i need to be alone. however hard that may be, i do think it would be a lot easier to live in filth than to live with you screaming in my head everyday.

marlz

1/16/2007 02:07:00 ip.

sunnuntai, tammikuuta 14, 2007

to put it simply

i just don't care all that much about you. if you really want to know, it borders on polite curiosity and total nonchalance.

don't say i didn't tell you

marlz

1/14/2007 07:40:00 ap.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 10, 2007

its called self indulgence

don't for one moment think i believe you're unafraid to kill me. i stare down the barrel of that sleek black instrument of yours, and i see it quiver. you tremble when you take a drag on that cigarette and fix your beady eyes on me. you tremble when you trace a line down my cheek with that gun of yours. you sit back and laugh, but i see that stirring of animalistic fear in your peepers. before you think you have the confidence to do something like this, get the confidence first and pretend you have it, because you reek of fear. i see, that every movement of yours, every time you stall, you are convincing yourself to do it. you are giving yourself an internal pep talk to point and shoot. you're imagining the gore and the guilt and you retract into your shell, unsure, and definitely not unafraid.

and if you think you'll take me alive, you're dead mistaken, friend.

1/10/2007 02:17:00 ip.

tiistaina, tammikuuta 09, 2007

all nuts and bolts

this morning was a mad rush. after an "urgent" call, putting clothes on in crazy time, and then flying out of the house i ended up a relief teacher.

yep. english and english literature at chai chee sec. the students were quite scary, some very gatal, and so many asked stupid questions about where i'm from, which i expected.

at least the older teachers are nice and friendly, and i'm not alone. fellow relief teachers include lisa babeeee (eng, geog, ss, and pw. can you believe it?!), reyneth (who's teaching art!) and rachel (tj girl who knows chaiyun and zoe haha).

i hope tomorrow goes okay. all double periods. at any rate, i'm there only until friday. then i'll be a free and unemployed woman again.

wish me luck!

marlz

1/09/2007 09:04:00 ap.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 08, 2007

because i only need myself

i went on a nice walk yesterday at my favourite place in singapore, and at this point, the world.

gorgeous

the best place to be alone. in fact, i much rather be alone there than have company, somehow it would just spoil things to have someone muddling around there with you.

marlz

1/08/2007 05:58:00 ap.

sunnuntai, tammikuuta 07, 2007

in your eyes

you're always telling me what you don't like about me

what about telling me what you like about without probing? when is that going to happen?

i'm trying very hard to send out a signal here. don't tell me what to do all the time, because lets face it, i more or less know what i am doing. i know abt the things i am into, and i stall about things because i'm thinking carefully about the decision so that i don't plunge head first into the unknown. i need to do this MYSELF not with you breathing down my neck. i need to make INDEPENDANT decisions. if for one moment, you thought that i'm doing things wrong, i'd like you to consider the fact that i'm not hurting anyone at this point in time, i am NOT in any case, depriving anyone of any basic right, and i'm NOT deciding or pushing things for other people.

its time you started thinking of me as an adult, not solely as your child. your advice is always welcome, and i will listen, but if i choose not to follow your advice, it is ultimately my choice. and what comes out of it will be what i will have to face.

it would be nice too, if you didn't snap at me for little things, or say "this is what i hate about you". i've never told you what i "hate about you" so why do you have to ragging on about things, which are ultimately, quite inconsequential, since no one really bothers about such things except for you. i do not see any reason for your major grievances, and i'm clean, sober, and trying hard.

just, for once, read my signals and see that i'm trying. i'm scared and i think its hard, but i'm trying. i'm lost, and i'm worried but i'm TRYING. does that not satisfy you anymore?

i just don't get how to relate to you nowadays. everything i do seems so wrong.

marlz

1/07/2007 05:36:00 ip.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 06, 2007

whatever you thought was true, isn't

so. i changed the layout. i think its rather pretty, but i haven't put up the links of the tagboard.

i'm feeling annoyed because everything is so damn uncertain. i don't know if i'll get a job, and i don't know if i will pass my A lvls, lets not even delve into the "Getting Good Results" part, because i'm not miss smarty pants.

there is, however, one thing that IS certain, and IS going to happen, whether people allow it to happen or not. i am going to be adamant, i am going to square my shoulders and bulldoze my way through any people or walls that stand in my way. even if it means i'm not going to escape unscathed.

and i'm getting impatient for that thing to happen. so don't get in my way. alright.

sheesh. i wish i had all the answers, and not just hope. what good does hope do to anyone?

marlz

1/06/2007 05:55:00 ip.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 03, 2007

because the wind blew me the other way

as if my body is on clockwork, i woke up at 6 today for prayers and found i couldn't sleep again like i usually do. a total break from my usual nocturnal habits, and it has to be more than a coincidence that its on the first day of school.

since i couldn't sleep anyway, i did myself a huge favour and went to the library, now that all my fines are cleared. its been ages since i stepped in there, so i was a bit lost. i betcha all the people there thought i was some crazy-ass lost tourist or something who likes to visit heartland malls and libraries.

i also happened to forget how much the library makes me wanna go insane because i always want to read everything, and i can't. i can't possibly borrow everything. i tried a different strategy today and got some books to read while there, but unfortch, i couldn't stay focused on one book and drifted from shelf to shelf, drooling slightly at the sight of some other tome that my heart skipped a beat to see. i must have looked like a fumbling lunatic, taking and replacing books on the shelf repeatedly. haha

so in the end, i borrowed books went home and slept. its been ages since i last took a afternoon nap, so now i'm a bit dazed after the 3 hours.

i hope i'll get employed soon, the job opportunities aren't too bad either, so we'll see how it goes.

and i sincerely hope it doesn't rain.

marlz

1/03/2007 10:25:00 ap.

tiistaina, tammikuuta 02, 2007

and so another year begins

i'm starting to get old. i'm sure i spy the shadow of a wrinkle play around my eye when i smile. haha.

my new year didn't start to great. blogger is always dying on me, and i hope your new year is good.

all i meant to say was, happy new year. hopefully great things happen to you this year.

marlz