I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

sunnuntai, joulukuuta 03, 2006

let me take the last flight out

i feel cloistered and confined. its irritating.

and i've no idea why. i've been feeling sad these days alot, so i compensate by trying to listen more and watch more and rest more and do a whole lot of other things just to stop myself from thinking.

if i may quote jacob : you think too much.

i do. i admit i do. i admit i'm partial to wild flights of imagination that take me across the globe and back again. i admit i'm always expecting the worst. as i type this i imagine that i'm going to be stuck on this dot on the map forever, and die after a typical and rather unhappy life. i imagine that i won't like whatever career i launch myself into and that i'll suffer a never ending mid life crisis that will ultimately result in me pissing everyone off and causing some people to hate me so much that they'll destroy me.

that i will forget God and that my life will degenerate into sin and nothing else.

i don't want to do that. but i think of it all the same.

and i also admit that i always, and i mean always, doubt my choices in life. and thus i'm always afraid to make them.

not this time. i feel that i have the choice, the option, the golden ticket, if you like, to leave and see something more and do something more spectacular and FUN with my life. and hell, even if i'm going to starve while doing it i want to do it. if it means wasting all the money i may accumulate now on that sort of life, i want to.

i want to have FUN.

i love my life in isolation, but i don't like the fact that i, even temporarily, have to live my life in a place that is so small, it looks like nothing but a red dot on the map. everytime i talk to a foreigner, they don't even know where singapore is. the same when i talk to a singaporean about finland, but at least finland's shape is visible on the world map when its at regular size.

i do like my life now, but i'm not really that psyched about doing this or staying here the rest of my life. Ms K made oodles of sense when she said during erudite cell once that we should go and travel the world and see all the things there are in it. at least, she made oodles of sense to me.

and why am i feeling like this? i don't know. i feel like how i felt a year ago, maybe slightly more than that. i didn't know how to handle it then, and started all the self harm. i may think of that now, but i also think of the other options i have now, which appear to be a heck of a lot more than i thought there were when i was 16.

is this some new, and weird sort of depression? i feel like i'm sinking, and i don't want to sink lower, because my world that i've built around myself. this facade, of sorts that i've built infront of me will collapse.

and people will see me as someone they wouldn't want to see. i believe, only few people have seen me in that state, and it affected them so.

thank God my dad had sense to get us a bicycle each some time ago. he really is wise, though i hardly admit it to him. it is my route for escape. just spin around unseen, anywhere, everywhere, when its night. and then i sit somewhere out of breath, and look at the sky.

its the only thing in my life right now that serves as a stark reminder that i'm actually part of this wide world and universe, and not in some outcast society where nothing makes sense and people make me upset.

God, thank You for the sky.

and if you're wondering what this was about. don't. i don't know why i wrote this, i just felt a compelling need to tell myself that i'm going to be ok. this is my way of doing it.

marlz

sunnuntai, joulukuuta 03, 2006

let me take the last flight out

12/03/2006 03:42:00 ip.

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