I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

sunnuntai, joulukuuta 24, 2006

eggnog is supposed to make you hungover

so drink glogg! haha

so today, at last, is christmas eve. its gone okay so far, except for the fact that my brother slammed my mp3 on the table with a great amount of force. which has made me angry, and it sucks. i don't like 1. that he did it just because he was being spiteful 2. that i have to be angry on christmas eve (and no, i can't change the way i feel) 3. that my mp3 has already been battered by him previously and he had to do it again.

but i suppose i will forgive him eventually. that, is already something that i'm set on doing, only i am too angry to go about it right now.

like any proper finnish family, we celebrate christmas on christmas eve. so today we're having our family dinner and we're opening presents!

so since we are celebrating today i might as well go and wish people.

to oke: happy birthday! it happened yesterday i know, and i tried to blog earlier but blogger was being screwy on me.

to jacob and eric, of course bev, alan, evelyn, justin, diana, andy, anand, mrs logan, vanessa, lisa from A202, oh, and joseph benjamin cos i always see that holy boy skating at his church. and my other christian friends in school and outside of school merry christmas. have fun going to mass and whatever you guys do on christmas day

to the suomalaiset : kati, emma, salla, julia, meri and suvi q., suvi l. and of course isoaiti, sasa, nona and the rasaset (whether you read or not) hyvaa joulua. i hope you guys enjoy your joulu poyta today. and for kati's sake especially i hope that its super cold today haha =)

to the non-christian friends or friends who are just counting down, happy holidays.
and drunkard darling, i love you

AND to everyone else in between, merry whatever. just don't get wasted, and i think you'll be fine. haha. after all, tis the season for great folly!

marlz

12/24/2006 05:34:00 ap.

maanantaina, joulukuuta 18, 2006

there she goes again

i've tried to restrain my well, creative juices for now and focus them on some other projects, but being someone of a wild imagination, this rhyme or song or creative scribbling wrote itself.

BEAR WITH ME (and here it goes) :

i can't help but look out
on that empty corridor
place all my life's wishes
on your vision at my door

i miss you babe
that's all you need to know
i don't know who you are
nor where you come from

but i'll just keep on waiting,
just come where you belong

glass bottles accumulating
with love letters to you know who
but i have no address or name
no place to send them to

i think of you arriving
bouquets and kisses just for me
a big hug, and recognition
that we're just meant to be

but i don't know who you are babe
i only know your soul
no i don't know who you are babe
i hope i find you before we're old

i hear the echo of your heartbeat
i feel your breath upon my ear
as a wind carries your whisper
to one who holds you so dear

so i will just keep on hoping
for you to find me here
for imaginary footsteps
to one day approach for real

to the unknown love who's living
i just know that you're out there
and if you ever needed me
just remember that i care

and i'll just keep on waiting
please come, where you belong

12/18/2006 04:50:00 ip.

sunnuntai, joulukuuta 17, 2006

just to remember

i feel abit weird because i've been told that my dad's godfather's wife died. seems like a bit of a stretch in terms of connection but well, i knew her as a nice woman.

i met her a few times when i was in finland last and she was so amiable. i probably saw her before too, when i was young but i don't remember. what i do remember of her, however, was that she was a good friend to my grandparents, and treated me just like a friend when she met me and gave me a big hug. even though i hadn't met her in years.

last year, i heard she was quite ill, and that she had got cancer. and she got worse and worse.

well, i just got news not a few days ago that the funeral had been held. that she had passed away.

and then when i think about it, this dark, gripping feeling creeps over my chest.

i hope milja tati, that you are now at peace.

marlz

12/17/2006 09:41:00 ap.

tiistaina, joulukuuta 12, 2006

give me more black t shirts for christmas

i know the title is totally random, but my back is aching and i want to blog and have no idea what to blog about :

the moral of the story is that i can't take pictures without looking dorky, so don't try to snap one of me, like my brother did to tease me here. and also, i have fat thighs.

oh and by the way, i really do like wearing black. just in case my mom is reading this. rainbow/pastel/primary/solid/patterned/whatever colours are so not me.

marlz

12/12/2006 03:55:00 ip.

lauantaina, joulukuuta 09, 2006

lets all become monks and retreat to nepal

like i told huda, i've been a total antisocial hermit who has refused to leave the house days on end. and then i only leave at night to a place where presumably there are no people that i may run into and then spend hours .

did i mention i wake at mid day, sometimes later, and stay awake roughly till 4.

nocturnal roaming : check
reversed biological clock : check
fair skin: check
strange looking: check
black clothing which borders on goth: check
blood sucking: pending

so you see, i nearly fit the typical description of the nosferatu. wonderful! i've morphed myself into a vampire. i just need file my teeth to sharp points and go around seizing people by the neck and drinking them dry =)

there's something fairly romantic about the notion of being a vampire and seizing prey with the wind in my flawless hair and the moonlight giving a preternatural glint to my eyes. too bad i'm not romantic, don't have flawless hair and the moonlight in singapore is hardly bright enough on most days do give me any kind of glint, much less a preternatural one, whatever the heck that supposed to look like.

so on to the facts : i've become an antisocial hermit. i like my current life as an antisocial hermit. people who want to break me out of this hermit like existance is welcome to try but likely to fail. i want to go out with people, but not the whole world, so please please, unless i've said i'm going out with you, don't ask me to go out with you. i like to be an antisocial hermit.

and no, i'm not dead, nor have i left singapore yet.

marlz

12/09/2006 12:04:00 ip.

sunnuntai, joulukuuta 03, 2006

let me take the last flight out

i feel cloistered and confined. its irritating.

and i've no idea why. i've been feeling sad these days alot, so i compensate by trying to listen more and watch more and rest more and do a whole lot of other things just to stop myself from thinking.

if i may quote jacob : you think too much.

i do. i admit i do. i admit i'm partial to wild flights of imagination that take me across the globe and back again. i admit i'm always expecting the worst. as i type this i imagine that i'm going to be stuck on this dot on the map forever, and die after a typical and rather unhappy life. i imagine that i won't like whatever career i launch myself into and that i'll suffer a never ending mid life crisis that will ultimately result in me pissing everyone off and causing some people to hate me so much that they'll destroy me.

that i will forget God and that my life will degenerate into sin and nothing else.

i don't want to do that. but i think of it all the same.

and i also admit that i always, and i mean always, doubt my choices in life. and thus i'm always afraid to make them.

not this time. i feel that i have the choice, the option, the golden ticket, if you like, to leave and see something more and do something more spectacular and FUN with my life. and hell, even if i'm going to starve while doing it i want to do it. if it means wasting all the money i may accumulate now on that sort of life, i want to.

i want to have FUN.

i love my life in isolation, but i don't like the fact that i, even temporarily, have to live my life in a place that is so small, it looks like nothing but a red dot on the map. everytime i talk to a foreigner, they don't even know where singapore is. the same when i talk to a singaporean about finland, but at least finland's shape is visible on the world map when its at regular size.

i do like my life now, but i'm not really that psyched about doing this or staying here the rest of my life. Ms K made oodles of sense when she said during erudite cell once that we should go and travel the world and see all the things there are in it. at least, she made oodles of sense to me.

and why am i feeling like this? i don't know. i feel like how i felt a year ago, maybe slightly more than that. i didn't know how to handle it then, and started all the self harm. i may think of that now, but i also think of the other options i have now, which appear to be a heck of a lot more than i thought there were when i was 16.

is this some new, and weird sort of depression? i feel like i'm sinking, and i don't want to sink lower, because my world that i've built around myself. this facade, of sorts that i've built infront of me will collapse.

and people will see me as someone they wouldn't want to see. i believe, only few people have seen me in that state, and it affected them so.

thank God my dad had sense to get us a bicycle each some time ago. he really is wise, though i hardly admit it to him. it is my route for escape. just spin around unseen, anywhere, everywhere, when its night. and then i sit somewhere out of breath, and look at the sky.

its the only thing in my life right now that serves as a stark reminder that i'm actually part of this wide world and universe, and not in some outcast society where nothing makes sense and people make me upset.

God, thank You for the sky.

and if you're wondering what this was about. don't. i don't know why i wrote this, i just felt a compelling need to tell myself that i'm going to be ok. this is my way of doing it.

marlz