I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, lokakuuta 21, 2006
for the coming festivities
ahh! everything is so last minute. i managed to finish making the oatmeal choc chip. and next up is the choco-cornflakes. AND ITS 2 DAYS TO HARI RAYA.
anyways. that wasn't the pt of the post. i actually wanted to wish ANEESHA a VERY HAPPY DIWALI (is that how you spell that? cos that's how you pronounce it). and also KUMUD BUDHRANI and RANJANI haha. i've not forgotten the 2 of you yet. and to anyone else who celebrates and i have not noticed. =)
and darlings, if i don't blog before Aidilfitri comes :
a special shoutout to rad, nursila and fuad who are in my class, cikgu rai cos she's fun, my bestest bestest friend nurul huda, nadiah, sallehin, rafidah, sudiani, liyana, fadzie and all the other crestwinds darlings be it senior or junior, my malay class from JC1 and all the other fellow muslims whom i know or who may read this. Selamat Hari Raya to everyone! if i happened to offend any of you inany way, i beg forgiveness from you. enjoy yourselves ya!
=)
marlz
10/21/2006 11:57:00 ap.
torstaina, lokakuuta 19, 2006
switching it around
so so, i got a pen from my dad that brightened up my night. quite literally! there's this blue light that is so bright that it illuminates my whole room when its dark at night.
i hate mock exams. but today's was quite ok. thought i wrote as normal. don't know how i'll do though.
hari raya is in like 4 days and i'm so not motivated to go. the kuih's not even amde yet! and the curtains aren't going to be changed. the house can't be painted because of the walls. and i've decided not to get new shoes, a new bag or a new baju kurung/kebaya.
my mom's in the process of baking now though. makmur really smells heavenly. its not a person by the way, its a type of goodie! cos i do know of someone names makmur. i'm not sure if he smells like anything at all really.
wouldn't it be weird to know the smell of someone? unless of course its your granny or dad or mom. then its normal cos their family. as in a non-relative. lisa baby told me once that i smell of spring water. haha. but then again she's weird in a sweet way.
i once knew someone who knew how i smelt. i found it sort of creepy at the time, but he thought it was sweet. i guess it sort of backfired on him, when he said i smelt like that day when we were at some party and i shot him a look of bewilderment and disgust. on hindsight, its kinda funny. he probably thought he was flattering me or something but i didn't really think so. i suppose he was hurt somewhat? never got the chance to say sorry, but hey if you're reading (i will not disclose your name though) i'm really sorry. it was sweet, just that i didn't comprehend why you said that at the time. no hard feelings ya? =)
i'm babbling again! goodbye
marlz
10/19/2006 01:44:00 ip.
tiistaina, lokakuuta 17, 2006
a bunch of random nothings
the haze the haze. everyone keeps talking abt it. no wonder. usually when i peer out my window i can see across the border at this mountain/hill/conical landform thing that is jutting out in the horizon. BUT that day the haze made it disappear.
the last time i remember having such poor visibility was a particularly FOGGY night in vilmanstrand. it was cold, not hot. and the air was damp but fresh, not dry and smokey. the advantages of being in a cold place.
speaking about that. i have suddenly come to the end of my official college days. farewell assembly was ok. nothing really spectacular. didn't even feel like the last day of school since the first announcement at morning assembly was a reminder to econs students to attend the mock paper.
i took loads of photos. more than i probably have ever taken in my life in one day. i don't like photos but since its the "last day" then might as well. whatever lar. i somehow just am not that touched by that long morning assembly. it was amusing, just that.
now that its over, i had a compelling feeling that i need to leave ASAP. but at the same time i'm scared. i'm afraid of what lies ahead. i wish i knew what lies ahead, but that is not possible. i'm excited that i'm moving on. that i'm gonna stand on my own two feet. and i want to do it. i NEED to do it. but i see so many options and i don't know what to choose.
i feel like that little old lady i saw at K-mart with isoäiti one day. she was standing in front of the milk section and lamenting the fact that there were so many choices of milk that she had no idea what to choose. that it was so much easier back in the day. i feel like that.
on sunday i went to watch äidestä parhain (mother of mine, though this isn't a good translation. its actually BEST OF MOTHERS) with my mom at vivocity for the european union film festival. it very nice really. didn't regret taking the day to go watch it. but really vivocity is of GARGANTUAN proportions. and it was so bloody crowded and i hate crowds. and then we got lost. and we had to rush for buka. otherwise the film was VERY GOOD.
and i thought it was wonderful that almost half of it was swedish. its time to learn a little before i leave. or else i'll be thrown into one of those summer schools. and no one wants to go to summer schools to learn anything cos its just plain crummy. summer is meant for you to work and catch up with friends and go to the summer houses and laze around in the sauna and watch bonfires and dance the jumppa (though my dad would probably scoff at this point) not to go study. no no. bad idea. i must must get a head start as soon as possible.
there were quite a number of asians there as well, though the seats were mostly filled by blondes and brunettes (finally! natural brunettes like ME!). and the method was good, not remotely hollywood-esque, thank gdness.
i like observing my grandparent's patriotism. and sheepish as i may be saying this, i do feel that i am PROUD to be a finnish citizen. i read what i learned during history and IB and feel happy that i had something to learn. i sat in the sauna and liked it. i waited for the blue moment and was in awe. i watch those movies that feature war and i like that the finnish won. i support finnish bands. i and proud to be a finnish citizen.
i find this seriously lacking in singapore. so what if there's a big turn out at the national day parade every year? so what if people sing the national anthem every morning? so what if some miss singapore is happy to get sent to albania for a miss globe competition and get hijacked along the way? so what. the only instance i've seen some glimmer of patriotism in singapore is when people complain about the haze, about malaysia and at the great singapore sale. even then, its for their own personal interest rather than genuinely wanting to boost the singapore economy by consuming to no end in a certain period of the year. so what, i say.
because i've always thought that patriotism is more than how many flags are hung up outside during national day, or how many national day songs you know by heart. or how many plastic flags you may wave at the sea games. its not even whether you feel comfortable or are reaping the most benefits where you're at.
i've thought abt this, and feel its more than that. the country your loyalties lie in is the country you'd die for, the country you'd wish would win the war, the country where you'd emigrate to and be buried in and have kids and a family in. its the country which you'd fiercely protect from verbal and physical threats. its the country that you think is mostly in the right. its the country that you'd work hard for.
it might not even be the place your family is. its the place where you want to retire in. if you're thinking of retiring in australia, then sorry you're not a patriotic singaporean. and that's not a bad thing. your loyalties lie elsewhere.
i don't quite see how singaporeans will be patriots when there is nothing to be particularly patriotic about. almost everything we have is the same as in malaysia. there is no particular overarching culture. there is no history. people are thinking about moving away and making it big elsewhere and i don't blame them. even african countries seem to have people who rather stay in the bush than move elsewhere. its a way of life they love.
and singapore? i don't see that.
well. i'm not gonna babble any more. tml there's a gp mock. maybe thats a sort of culture. having mock papers and mocking. pah
marlz
10/17/2006 02:26:00 ip.
lauantaina, lokakuuta 07, 2006
the best things in life are free
the miss high on life drunkard wenqi sent me a forwarded email. now usually i delete them cos they are so irritating. BUT it was from her and i opened it.
anyways, this was what was in it:
forgive me for going soft here but i think its very inspiring. if you're wondering what its about, i nicked the info off youtube:
Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man whos sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives.
In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal.
As this symbol of human hope spread accross the city, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs campaign BANNED. What we then witness is the true spirit of humanity come together in what can only be described as awe inspiring.
In the Spirit of the free hugs campaign, PASS THIS TO A FRIEND and HUG A STRANGER! After all, If you can reach just one person...
PS. The response to this video has been nothing short of overwhelming and touching. Hugs to every single one of you who messaged. There has been thousands of emails from all over the world by people seeking to participate in the Free Hugs campaign and asking for permission. You do not need permission. This is the peoples movement, this is *your* movement. With nothing but your bare hands you can make THE difference.
Imagine all the people.
last part sounds so lennon. nice
marlz
10/07/2006 09:39:00 ap.
perjantaina, lokakuuta 06, 2006
results
finally all the papers have been returned. my results aren't as bad as i had anticipated, but they aren't anything fantastic either.
i was expecting bad bad bad marks for lit since i did the "against fruition" question, and because i felt terrible when i came out the hall on the last day. paper 4 i think. feeling terrible is always a good gauge as to whether you have done terribly or not.
so i passed, but i did not reach the target i've set for myself. read all the comments and agreed when i read my essays all over again. of all the comments given, mr low sure hit the nail on the head not just for his paper, but everything else as well.
"too clinical and detached an analysis"
gee, maybe i should have gone and become a doctor instead. pfft.
marlz
10/06/2006 11:57:00 ap.
torstaina, lokakuuta 05, 2006
you never walk alone
well, I DON'T THINK SO. hah. obviously you walk the path of life alone. whether or not you have life partner cos you and only you know yourself, your feelings and your thoughts, and you and only you live your life.
buuut, that was not the point of titling this post in such a manner.
actually i only did so because i had thought i was the only soul in singapore that likes the band HIM. BUT i was sooo wrong, as i always am.
so anyways, i thought i was the only HIM-fan in singapor. until today, when i was walking down the corridor to my home, and somewhere the valley created by our high rise buildings i heard the strains of "wings of a butterfly". hmmm. i wasn't too sure, so i paused at the corridor, and looked over the ledge, and indeed, what i heard initially as a random guitar riff that sounded REALLY like HIM's wings of a butterfly was really wings of a butterfly! and how did i know? ahah, because ville valo's voice will be recognized anywhere, and it was his voice accompanying the guitar.
and it was so loud that it echoed around all the flats, so obviously someone was a fan enough to cause trouble to him/herself by blasting the song like the neighbours would tolerate it.
and so i paused there on the corridor, but a metre from my door (it rhymes!) and listened until the song ended. nevermind that it isn't exactly my favourite song from HIM, but it was nice to know, that someone else out there (pretty nearby actually) likes a finnish band that i happen to like. did i mention that HIM was finnish??? to quote mrs chua when she was pretty happy "yippeedeedoo!" haha
so you see, you may be alone riding the river/rollercoaster/bus/massrapidtransit of life, but at least you prolly are never alone when it comes to music. it is, after all, the only universal language.
football fans, as much as i LOVE the worldcup and watching football and all, i can't bring myself to say it is a universal passion. you see 1. not everyone likes football, look at america! and 2. i've not met a person ever, or heard of a person who doesn't have a preference of music. meaning that everyone has a favourite sort of music, making it a universal language. and besides, even if you can't speak the same language, give a musician sheet music/an instrument/a tune and they would understand what to do with it. can't say the same for football. there will always be the people who are KAKI BANGKU like me. hehe.
well thats it then
marlz
10/05/2006 01:39:00 ip.
sunnuntai, lokakuuta 01, 2006
yay
my dad fixed the problem and so i am here at 12.21 am, blogging.
its time for some mind exercise! i'm so tired of not thinking of something properly. i miss erudite cell! and since i need practice, i shall mentally discuss (and write to the best of my ability) a gp question in my gp essay question revision list.
and the question is...
Is knowledge an antidote to fear?
and since i always have an opinion on everything, i shall present it (though not in a gp manner of course)
i suppose this is in some ways true, but as always, there are always exceptions to the norm. one thing we would have to address is an antidote to what kind of fear.
through my short years in the world, i have had my fair share to "scary" experiences when faced with unfamiliarity. we've all had them. kids cry on their first day of school because they are afraid of being torn from their parents. they are thrust into an unknown environment where they are supposed to orientate themselves about new, strange looking adults, other kids whom they may not like, and an unfamiliar playground in which they are unsure of the best spot to play in. i remember my heart palpitating on the first day of college, wondering if i would fit in, whether anyone i knew would be there, what it would be like, whether my workload would rival the Himalayas. everything. its natural for Man to be uncomfortable when faced with the unknown.
why else would people be afraid of the ghoulies and creepy crawlies. the unknown brings with it uncertainty, and uncertainty means Man is unable to control the situation, and no control = unhappy, fearful person. and i guess that is the underlying reason to the need to know.
but is it really a cure, a means to the end of the feeling of fear?
to some extent yes. i have a silly example that i hope would suffice to illustrate my point. at one time in ol' prcs, i recall there being a rumour around school about strange sneezing/sniffing sounds coming from the toilet. indeed, i heard them myself. and the creepy thing was that the sniffing sounds would occur in the toilet, even when you were the only one in there, and you weren't the one sniffing. obviously there was talk of spirits in the toilet, and students would refrain from going alone, if not at all because they were afraid. then it came to our knowledge that the sounds were actually the timed toilet perfume thingamajig that sprayed a scent into the air in those toilet at certain times. once there was a rational explanation for the matter, talk of ghosts died down, and people started frequenting the toilets again.
the point of that little recount was to illustrate my point that people, when given a rational, scientific, or even plausible explanation to an issue that was previously painfully mysterious start to feel secure, and in control. it may have been a rather isolated example, BUT it mirrors many other situations.
In George Eliot's Silas Marner (i hate to bring this up, but i must due to a lack of a better example), the people of Lantern Yard and Raveloe attributed Silas' cataleptic fits to be the work of the devil, as such, Silas was thought of as a mysterious being with connections or as a pawn of invisible entities. what else would explain his spaced out looks and rigid body, besides him being visited by some demon or his soul going awandering out of his earthly shell? and so he was regarded with suspicion and in some instances, outright incivility ( if such a word even exists). however, if the people of LY and Raveloe had known that such fits were a medical condition, and if their rigid minds were open to such a notion that the cause was in fact due to illness, then the probability that Silas would have assimilated into the society with greater ease would be much greater.
science, research and knowledge in general would, in this instance, be an antidote to fear due to ignorance.
but the fact is, some types of fears cannot be attributed to ignorance or a fear of lack of control in general.
look at all the people with irrational fear. fear of public speaking, phobias of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth (apparently there is such a phobia), agoraphobia, fear of women. all the knowledge in the world about women or of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth wouldn't appease the people who have these fears, simply because the fear is in their mind. it is a fixed, rigid sort of fear that cannot be swayed with any explanation, simply because the mind itself is fixed and rigid to the dangers of the source of fear. it is perceived, as opposed to being dangerous. and in many cases, the fear cannot be remedied with simple facts. one has to go through therapy, hypnosis and gdness knows what other kind of new-fangled cures we have these days to get rid of such fears.
fear of the first day at school? i guess no matter how may first days at school one may face in their lifetime, one will still feel that restless, nervous sort of feeling when the day approaches. this can only be remedied with personal experience, and not the summary of "life in so-and-so-institution" on the institution's website. and why is that? because everyone's experience is different, and knowledge about that place cannot be given by an outside source, but rather, gathered by yourself. it is a suppose a sort of knowledge, but not the kind of knowledge one would get through hearsay.
and i pose the question, how can knowledge be an antidote to fear if the knowledge we have on this earth is flawed, manipulated, and often just plain wrong. acceptance would be more of an antidote to fear. because the facts we have are accepted as truth, we are assured, and thus less afraid. if one accepts that a situation would be beyond their control, they are most likely to ride the storm calmly, without even letting a frazzled curl get out of place. however, if one is constantly fretting about how to control the situation (as many people are wont to fret so) then, of course, we'd emerge from the situation tired not only because of the incident, but also because we were trying to manage our own emotions the whole time. and honey, trust me, that is tiring.
faith is a strange thing (forgive me is this is starting to get a wee bit messy). faith gives one encouragement to face what one who didn't believe would grimace to even think about. if someone thought that God had asked them to fling themselves of the highest cliff, and if they had faith that God would keep them safe, and that He would save them then they would do it unflinchingly. look at all those people during thaipusam, who pierce themselves, believing ardently that the spirits would protect them and enable them to carry out the whole event without pain. believing is an antidote to fear, even if it may be deemed irrational and even if it cannot be backed up by "knowledge" we may have (for who on earth has perfect knowledge about that murky realm beyond our land of the living?)
and so after all that jabber my point really is that knowledge cannot always be an antidote to fear. we all know that the world does not work on absolutes and there are so many grey areas. and since knowledge is a whole mass of grey area, it can't really solve our fears it being a fear of the unknown, or an even dimmer grey area. rather, if one accepts that there is a grey area, (its getting convoluted now) then they are more likely to cope better with that novel situation, thus reducing the fear that they may experience. like all human emotions, i suppose, that the solution would lie in ourselves, as opposed to something external.
and thus i conclude my musings. heh.
now i guess i should sleep because there's school tomorrow.
(talking abt school, there's econs lecture, and that means erratic behaviour on the part of the econs tutors, and that means not knowing whether they will ask us a questions, and whether that question will be something we might be able to answer, and that means FEAR of the unknown, and thus the daily class even called the 'rat race' to the LT to get safer seats so the teachers are less likely to question us. haha)