I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

lauantaina, heinäkuuta 29, 2006

get out of my head

i dreamt of you again last night. that is the second time after those bad dreams.

you know what. i don't want to see you in my dreams anymore. i do not like it. i never sleep well when i see you in my dreams. i'm reminded of times that i do not want to remember. so get out of my head.

i would like to say i hate you, but its hard for me to hate anyone. the closest i can come to is dislike. i dislike you because you make me feel uncomfortable. not because of anything, but just that. and when i dream of you, i feel uncomfortable. right now, i'm bleary eyed because last night wasn't a good night for me.

because i dislike you, i want don't want any mental image of you to be retained. not any. i feel relief that after this year, it will all be over. i'm leaving singapore, and i don't hope to come back. i doubt i will have the money. and then for once, i can let that darn mental image of you go away.

i don't hate you, i just hate the fact that i can't ever be left in peace. not ever, while i'm in singapore. get out of my head. get out.

7/29/2006 04:15:00 ip.

perjantaina, heinäkuuta 28, 2006

bursting with thought

i feel today like i'm bursting with thought and have no choice but to blog.

i realized last tuesday that i really like being at erudite sessions because i get to learn abt people and genres and movements that are all so interesting, and oh, the variety! the bad thing is that everytime, i will come back feeling dissatisfied because i feel like i'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg, and i've not seen as many things that there is to see. i feel almost greedy for information.

i've also found out that i don't study literature anymore for the reason that i thought i wanted to when i first decided to study it in mjc. i used to think that i would study it because its a good practice of language and appreciation skills. of close study. and it reminded me of my o level music days cos we did similar stuff, close study for one piece. then a sort of "unseen" and also theory.

today, i realize i study lit and take it seriously because there is such a wealth of information out there to learn, and it is worth learning. there are so many books that i want to read, so many things i want to see, so many eccentric people that i want to know about. and it is through lit that i find the world is such a sad place. it is like the world is a massive collision of ideas, where there is no solution to any disagreements.

the way i see it, people who are creative do things in two ways : they either follow the rules and put their own spin on it, or they totally break the rules (of which i prefer the latter). and i like mixing with my lit classmates because all of them have a sense of humour. maybe it might not always be a type of humour i appreciate very much, but the things said in lit lectures and tutorials and during erudite cell are often very funny and never fail to make me smile.

my eyes are still closed to the ways of the world. i wish i was a national geographic journalist because i can write and see the world. all the nice and not so nice there is to see. maybe then i'll be a little happier and satistfied.

or maybe i'm just bored with my life already

marlz

7/28/2006 12:09:00 ip.

keskiviikkona, heinäkuuta 19, 2006

i'm happy

because that post was very sweet. thank you thank you thank you JACOB. it totally made my day today after a tiring day of school and scoldings and touch rugby. i felt kinda stupid with that smile plastered on my face after reading what you had to say, but very very very very very touched. and no it doesn't matter that you didn't remember the date =)

here's to you, jacob. *huggles*

marlz

7/19/2006 11:42:00 ap.

tiistaina, heinäkuuta 18, 2006

a hiatus

yep, i've already started my hiatus, thanks to horrendous results for mid years. but its ok, because as much as i feel the need to blog, i cannot afford the time to and think i can go without intensive blogging over the next 106 days or so before the a levels.

but i was compelled to blog today because i feel the class morale is down. cheer up my poppets! take our lit grades for inspiration for good things. if we're capable of something like that for one subject at least, it shows that there is hope for good grades in all of us for every subject. and i know our bimbo-fied pink shirted drama mama class can do it you know! at any rate, we're all intelligent enough to do it (yes even andy, though i loathe to admit it to him in our daily conversations) so don't feel so discouraged!

i know that things may seem a little bad now, but i guess all of us need to pick ourselves up and dust our sleeves,plough through our notes, right bad study habits, practise practise practise, and as someone is fond of saying, to be "in the groove" (said in an act ang moh/hiphop/rapper style which sort of CMI)

and to all poor poor batch mates our there who are slogging for A's and also prelims (lets stress long term goals here), press on! trust me, i know EXACTLY how you feel. =)

i loved a lovely love for 05A202 and for other darling meridians and jc ppl whom i know. but alot more for the first one lar hehe.

love,
marlz

7/18/2006 09:57:00 ap.

tiistaina, heinäkuuta 04, 2006

being a j2

being a j2 entails fretting over your results. it means you have to sacrifice your social life, and your time to study instead of sitting down to watch the breeze rustle the leaves of the bamboo outside your incredibly hot and stuffy classroom.

i know that its just past the midyears but and this might sound super unglam but

BLARDY HELL!

look at your school calendar guys. being a j2 in meridian means that at this point in time we have exactly 2 months of school before we are sent off on the study break. and then its prelims and then its farewell assembly and then its revision on your own and *insert menacing sounding music of choice* the A levels.

so fast so fast so fast time has slipped away, and i had the impressions that A levels were far away. i don't recall my O level year flying as fast as this one. maybe cos that's O levels and it seems far easier, on hindsight.

being a J2 means realizing you don't have much time left. and omygoodness we don't. die.

and another thing that has made my day seem bad was the paper 8 exam today. looks like its not gonna save me this time. i swear the lit teachers are out to slaughter us this time. and then in the prelims they are gonna slaughter us, bury us and exhume our bodies just to slaughter us all over again. heh. so much for having a paper that i actually looked forward to.

marlz

7/04/2006 09:20:00 ap.

sunnuntai, heinäkuuta 02, 2006

all at the same time

i'm both chuffed and miffed.

i'm chuffed because:

- the midyears are almost over
- i'm left with only paper 8, which is always the paper that saves me from a dismal grade for lit
- tomorrow is youth day and that means we have a holiday
- my fan has been fixed
- portugal beat england. HAHAHAHA. thank gdness the pasty whiteys are out. ricardo forever!
- the paper on tuesday is at 1 pm
-i've met someone really nice =)

i'm miffed because :

- the midyears are over
- i'm going to get dismal grades for almost everything
- my back hurts
- school is going to start after the papers, with case study tests on thursday and friday which i'm going to fail ANYWAY
- both my favourite teams in the world cup have been booted out : no more brazil or argentina. no more kaka or ronaldinho. no more entertainment out of the world cup
- the irritating french perform when you don't want them to, and underperform when you expect them to perform
- the referee for the germany/argentina match was blind ( and don't try to convince me otherwise)
- today's a sunday. i don't like sundays.

so its chuffed and miffed all at the same time.

please don't look at me cos you make me uncomfortable, and irritable, and you make me squirm in my seat. and it makes me sad when you look at me. please please don't in the future.

marlz