I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 21, 2006
the meaning of life
sleep eventually did come. in the wee hours.
it is as i expected, and when i did hear about it i was still shocked. worried.
this troubles me. so much more than anything has ever troubled me.
i went to the hospital today. i went in with adaweya. the tubes, the monitors. i pulled up close to the bedside, and stared at his face. listless and unknowing.
i wondered whether he was in pain, whether he was having bad dreams. and it was too much. i looked at the monitors intensely, trying to gain some sense out of all the confusion. i wanted to decipher those numbers. i was wishing that somehow, if i stared at the monitors, the numbers and the beeping gadgets hard enough, he'll recover. that he'll wake up. that i would see a cure.
but i couldn't. and i was so stupid. i went back out and engaged myself in silas marner. silas marner? who thinks of silas marner in the hospital, in such a situation?
but i wasn't thinking of silas marner. i stared past the pages, wishing that i could have somehow prevented this. that if need be, i would be able to do something to help. the slightest thing, or even the greatest that would cause myself some pain.
somehow i wish it was me lying there instead of him. why him and not me? aren't we the same?i wondered why it was him. why not some other youngster on the road. but i can't. i can't question how the world works. i believe in The Almighty. i believe that he has a purpose.
i pray that he will pull throughand if he needs any help to do so, i will volunteer myself to help.
suddenly everything has melted into the backgrounds. the studies, the ambitions, the fact that school starts soon. i can't. i can't indulge in my studies, my ambitions, my school, when someone i know, the same age as me, can't at this point in time. my thoughts are bent towards that. somehow everything has become so insignificant.
what is the meaning of life?
i don't know. but i won't take anything forgranted. never again. ever.
thank you very much evie for listening to a confused and unsure girl. and to huda for caring. i love you both.marlz
6/21/2006 04:56:00 ip.