marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, kesäkuuta 12, 2006
the ever looming mid years
ah, examinations. the failing of which is probably the dread of every student in history and the one event in our lifetime that every young scholar's future teeters uncertainly upon. and who's to say that it isn't the same for me.
i've been studying and i still feel as if i can't recall anything at all in the exam hall. i've been studying and i still feel that impending sense of doom when i think about the next 2 weeks slipping away beneath my fingertips. the same fingertips that do not have the facts that i've been trying to cram underneath what seems like a really small space: my cranium. i HAVE accomplished something in the holidays, but i keep feeling like i'm missing something. finished studying rocks and landforms, and hydrological processes. still have left atmospheric processes. did most of king lear, and revised the gothic concepts. looked through all my essays, again and again. have finished looking at urbanization and urban growth, and am left with population and economic growth.
seems like alot on paper, but not when i can't recall facts without a great amount of effort. AND as you've probably noticed by now, i've totally avoided economics which i'm not regretting and also fearing because of the fact that the midyears are but 2 weeks away and economics is my weakest subject. the only thing i've accomplished is some macreconomic concepts, and production and cost. right now, i feel like i'm screwed. evading economic studies spells disaster yet again. even that measly D that i set as a target won't be accomplished this time, i suspect.
i feel like i'm going mad. why is it, no matter how much i memorize, i cannot retain what i study? am i not studying correctly? or is it that i'm just too stupid to comprehend and remember the things that seem to come so easily to my other classmates? i feel inclined right now to say that its the latter that's the cause of the problem, but that would just be another lame excuse for not studying now, won't it?
i shall just avoid answering those questions or i'll really go mad.
and since i'm talking abt madness i might as well continue...
madness is intriguing. does a mad person know that they are mad before they are sent to the mental institution or before they are told so? if so, does madness actually hurt? knowing that in a way, you're different from loads of people, and you can't correct it, no matter how hard you try to. if i were in that position, i would feel that madness hurts me. it would feel like entrapment. being paranoid really sucks.
how does one even define madness? just because one talks to oneself doesn't mean they are insane. come to think of it, what does cause insanity? is it a gene, like the one that people claim cause murderers to kill? i believe there is a thin line between being tempremental/eccentric and being truly mad. but how do we know if the line's been crossed? how do we know that someone we put into a mental institution isn't mildly mad but really very eccentric?
random thought #1: i indulged in a bit of HIM today, and i indulge in abit of their music before i sleep every night. who won't dig the heavy sound of the band? linde's superb playing and the melodic tunes go really well together. the piano intro for the sacrament is haunting and oh-so-melancholy, in the style of true scandinavian music. and of course there is the posterboy ville, so devilishly charimistic and charming, so eloquent and
creamy sounding that i bet even the most unfeminine girl wouldn't be able to resist (i can't!). so i thought i was midly obsessed with ville and HIM until i came across this site which actually involves a discussion over where one can go regularly to see ville and be near him. apparently they even know his home address and the area at which HIM is at to practise. thats what i call true obsession
random thought #2: i looked through the cards that i have received for my birthdays over the years, and i think i've really nice ones from my family in particular. i made a vow once that i'd hesitate splurging on anything, EXCEPT if it was for my family or a gift for one of its members. i've held true to that vow till date and the pretty cards have spurred me to splurge even more on them!
random thought #3: i think my grandma is quite poetic. all the cards she sent me always had a little poem on it, and i think it runs in the family, because my grand aunts have the same wonderful gift, judging from cards and letters alone. and the cards they send have very nice pictures always.
random thought #4: i sometimes feel like i need to go away for a long time, cos i don't like the place i live in now. but i know i can't cos that means flunking my A levels. i can only do that after the A's
marlz
6/12/2006 10:47:00 ap.