lauantaina, kesäkuuta 24, 2006
hope
the mood's been totally changed. and the anxiety had been lessened by ALOT.he's been responding to his mother's caresses and calls. even lifted him arms and his good leg. very good signs. alhamdulillah.
tried to open his eyes, but too konked out on morphine to succeed.
the injuries are pretty bad but improving! a huge huge huge huge HUGE worry been eliminated.
the pain is immense. its surgery after surgery. loads of morphine and loads of sleep to come. a slow recovery, but one we are all happy for.
a lot of bad news in the ICU as well. a guy had a motorbike accident like my cousin at the same place where my cousin had his accident. the only difference was that he died.
3 other accidents this week, all motorbike incidents.
and a third case today. the lobby was flooded with an indian family and their relatives. another motorbike accident at the PIE.
the accident occured at 5 am and he was found only at 7 pm. and i think his injuries are really bad. the doctor apparently gives the guy a 3% chance of living. loads of tears in the lobby. very heart-wrenching.
the road is a dangerous place. so everyone take care. especially people on scramblers, and if you're riding at night. and please have a good helmet if you ride a motorbike. never drive when half asleep. prevention is better than cure.
marlz
6/24/2006 01:09:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 21, 2006
the meaning of life
sleep eventually did come. in the wee hours.it is as i expected, and when i did hear about it i was still shocked. worried.
this troubles me. so much more than anything has ever troubled me.
i went to the hospital today. i went in with adaweya. the tubes, the monitors. i pulled up close to the bedside, and stared at his face. listless and unknowing.
i wondered whether he was in pain, whether he was having bad dreams. and it was too much. i looked at the monitors intensely, trying to gain some sense out of all the confusion. i wanted to decipher those numbers. i was wishing that somehow, if i stared at the monitors, the numbers and the beeping gadgets hard enough, he'll recover. that he'll wake up. that i would see a cure.
but i couldn't. and i was so stupid. i went back out and engaged myself in silas marner. silas marner? who thinks of silas marner in the hospital, in such a situation?
but i wasn't thinking of silas marner. i stared past the pages, wishing that i could have somehow prevented this. that if need be, i would be able to do something to help. the slightest thing, or even the greatest that would cause myself some pain.
somehow i wish it was me lying there instead of him. why him and not me? aren't we the same?
i wondered why it was him. why not some other youngster on the road. but i can't. i can't question how the world works. i believe in The Almighty. i believe that he has a purpose.
i pray that he will pull through
and if he needs any help to do so, i will volunteer myself to help.
suddenly everything has melted into the backgrounds. the studies, the ambitions, the fact that school starts soon. i can't. i can't indulge in my studies, my ambitions, my school, when someone i know, the same age as me, can't at this point in time. my thoughts are bent towards that. somehow everything has become so insignificant.
what is the meaning of life?
i don't know. but i won't take anything forgranted. never again. ever.
thank you very much evie for listening to a confused and unsure girl. and to huda for caring. i love you both.
marlz
6/21/2006 04:56:00 ip.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 20, 2006
of life
i wanted to write of death. little did i know such a topic might approach me, and taunt me.life is unexpected. it is also fragile.
it is a gift, bestowed upon us by God. one day, i understand and accept that this gift will be seized from me. do i fear death, and its hold on me? no. do i fear pain in death? no. do i fear having to die before i have lived? no.
what i do fear, in a sickest, darkest, most inexplicable way is that death should come to some person other than me, that should be close to home or heart, or even close to someone who is close to my home or my heart.
a relative of mine was injured very badly tonight, in a very bad accident.
its a sickly feeling. the whole hospital admin stuff. the lousy tinkling strains of music in the lounge was "someone to watch over me". it wasn't even funny. seeing doors open an close. hushed voices. tear streaked faces. and you know that you can't do a single damn thing to better the situation.
i don't know what to do. what to feel. how to react. we weren't close emotionally, but i've seen him, known him from the day i came to singapore, or heck, even earlier than that.
i pray first and foremost, that the damage is not that bad. i pray that he will function normally, that he will be his normal self again after this trying period of time.
i pray that he is in good hands. hands that will care for him, that will soothe his pains and cure him in the shortest time possible.
i pray that if it was what we think it is, the people responsible will get their just desserts.
i pray that he will make a full recovery.
i once equated life to being like walking in the snow. once tread upon, you leave a mark. and one day those marks will stop short. let this not be such a day.
till the day breaks. i suspect that bleary eyedness will come, but sleep will not.
edit: eric. my bestest bud and my best bro. if you're reading this: i know you love your motorbike and all, and are going to get the license soon. i know that you'll tell me off for worrying and for even having a little idea that such a competent rider as you may commit a mistake on the road. but eric. because you're my bestest bud and best bro, i will say this. please please please please take care when you ride. please please please please check everything is ok before you ride. and please please please please wear a good safe helmet, even if it doesn't look too good on you. please do not let anything happen to you on the road, and please ride safely always. i don't want a repeat or even a shadow of a repeat of tonight to happen with you involved. please remember i care, and i want you nice and healthy to tease me about being a goody two shoes. please remember that when i cry, i do so in torrents, so don't let anything happen to you, you hear?
marlz
6/20/2006 05:57:00 ip.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 17, 2006
Meditation XVII
John Donne once made the ever popular sermon that stated "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind..."no one is isolated, we're all connected. i've heard it all before.
and i feel very inclined to disagree.
besides twins, or triplets or quadruplets, each one of us is born alone. we are formed alone in our mother's womb.
and i think this continues through life. so we're interconnected you say. you say, we have friends. but are friends there when you are at your lowest? and if they are, do they truly know what you feel, what you think?
you are alone in your head aren't you? you alone make decisions about your life. you alone feel what you feel. unless you are a schizo, your internal voice is alone. and people who are manipulated? well, they made the decision to allow themselves to be manipulated. they made the decision to allow someone else to step in and make them do something. you make the decision to study. you make the decision to slack. you make the decision to follow the footsteps of your mother. its is YOU and no one else. and if you didn't like it, you'd become a rebel, because YOU decided that you've had enough.
you're alone when you die. besides people who choose to die together through unnatural means, no one dies together. so someone will die the same instant that you do, through natural causes, somewhere in the world. but when you die, it is your soul that leaves your body. not your soul that leaves hand in hand with someone elses. you alone know that you are dying. you hold on to the last breath alone.
i wonder whether thats what introverts like me think of. we know we have ourselves, and thus we take time to reflect on ourselves. it doesn't mean introverts are selfish, just that they are more aware of the self. that they have themselves to depend on, that through life, you are your own best friend, your own harshest critic, and your own enemy.
introverts know we are alone. that we need to be independant, that we need to stand on our own feet, that we alone know ourselves best, our talents and feelings best, and we know the intensity of our own joys and fears best. we know that it is the self that we are going to be with throughout our lives.
its like madness you know. only the mad person knows what they are thinking about at any one time. no one would know unless the mad person tells them. its like those who can't express themselves, like the catos and the mentally retarded, and the autistic. no one truly knows what is running through their heads, except for them.
we are alone in life. i face that and i know. and i know that if there was one being who is with me through life, it is God. there is no one but God and myself.
i might depend on someone now, and might not be alone in the physical sense, but i am alone in every other sense. emotionally and mentally i am alone.
and thus i do not agree with John Donne. i'm not trying to be any paul simon here, and proclaim that i am a rock. but i am saying that every man IS an island, even if we are dependant on each other and interconnected.
John Donne is still a good poet though. (edit: i think i just made the hugest understatement of the year by saying that. oh crap)
marlz
6/17/2006 06:34:00 ap.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 15, 2006
lessons from a caucasian in singapore
no one thinks about how you look as hard as you do. if they stare, it means one of the following:1) you are wearing something totally out of place (ie: pyjamas at orchard road)
2) you don't look like them/are the other/you're matsaleh and they are so sheltered from the world that they have to look at you cos they've never seen someone of the like
3) you are really really good looking
4) you're HOT
and if they stare and laugh/smirk/giggle/start whispering, that's plain rude, so you don't have to even give a glance to filth like that.
marlz
6/15/2006 09:17:00 ap.
maanantaina, kesäkuuta 12, 2006
the ever looming mid years
ah, examinations. the failing of which is probably the dread of every student in history and the one event in our lifetime that every young scholar's future teeters uncertainly upon. and who's to say that it isn't the same for me.i've been studying and i still feel as if i can't recall anything at all in the exam hall. i've been studying and i still feel that impending sense of doom when i think about the next 2 weeks slipping away beneath my fingertips. the same fingertips that do not have the facts that i've been trying to cram underneath what seems like a really small space: my cranium. i HAVE accomplished something in the holidays, but i keep feeling like i'm missing something. finished studying rocks and landforms, and hydrological processes. still have left atmospheric processes. did most of king lear, and revised the gothic concepts. looked through all my essays, again and again. have finished looking at urbanization and urban growth, and am left with population and economic growth.
seems like alot on paper, but not when i can't recall facts without a great amount of effort. AND as you've probably noticed by now, i've totally avoided economics which i'm not regretting and also fearing because of the fact that the midyears are but 2 weeks away and economics is my weakest subject. the only thing i've accomplished is some macreconomic concepts, and production and cost. right now, i feel like i'm screwed. evading economic studies spells disaster yet again. even that measly D that i set as a target won't be accomplished this time, i suspect.
i feel like i'm going mad. why is it, no matter how much i memorize, i cannot retain what i study? am i not studying correctly? or is it that i'm just too stupid to comprehend and remember the things that seem to come so easily to my other classmates? i feel inclined right now to say that its the latter that's the cause of the problem, but that would just be another lame excuse for not studying now, won't it?
i shall just avoid answering those questions or i'll really go mad.
and since i'm talking abt madness i might as well continue...
madness is intriguing. does a mad person know that they are mad before they are sent to the mental institution or before they are told so? if so, does madness actually hurt? knowing that in a way, you're different from loads of people, and you can't correct it, no matter how hard you try to. if i were in that position, i would feel that madness hurts me. it would feel like entrapment. being paranoid really sucks.
how does one even define madness? just because one talks to oneself doesn't mean they are insane. come to think of it, what does cause insanity? is it a gene, like the one that people claim cause murderers to kill? i believe there is a thin line between being tempremental/eccentric and being truly mad. but how do we know if the line's been crossed? how do we know that someone we put into a mental institution isn't mildly mad but really very eccentric?
random thought #1: i indulged in a bit of HIM today, and i indulge in abit of their music before i sleep every night. who won't dig the heavy sound of the band? linde's superb playing and the melodic tunes go really well together. the piano intro for the sacrament is haunting and oh-so-melancholy, in the style of true scandinavian music. and of course there is the posterboy ville, so devilishly charimistic and charming, so eloquent and creamy sounding that i bet even the most unfeminine girl wouldn't be able to resist (i can't!). so i thought i was midly obsessed with ville and HIM until i came across this site which actually involves a discussion over where one can go regularly to see ville and be near him. apparently they even know his home address and the area at which HIM is at to practise. thats what i call true obsession
random thought #2: i looked through the cards that i have received for my birthdays over the years, and i think i've really nice ones from my family in particular. i made a vow once that i'd hesitate splurging on anything, EXCEPT if it was for my family or a gift for one of its members. i've held true to that vow till date and the pretty cards have spurred me to splurge even more on them!
random thought #3: i think my grandma is quite poetic. all the cards she sent me always had a little poem on it, and i think it runs in the family, because my grand aunts have the same wonderful gift, judging from cards and letters alone. and the cards they send have very nice pictures always.
random thought #4: i sometimes feel like i need to go away for a long time, cos i don't like the place i live in now. but i know i can't cos that means flunking my A levels. i can only do that after the A's
marlz
6/12/2006 10:47:00 ap.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 08, 2006
wholly unecessary
i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend the purpose of the humongous male ego. but i reckon the world would be a lot less interesting without its existance.its just another one of those things which gets questioned for its presence, and which never answers the question.
some things, i guess, are never meant to be understood. they just are.
marlz
6/08/2006 08:19:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 07, 2006
taste of what's to come
the beach cycling today was heavenly. at the other end of the beach stretch, where there's nothing to disturb my thoughts and i'm alone. nothing but me, the sand, the surge, good music, the divine smell of trees and milky white sand at my toes. ok technically not at my toes cos i was cycling. but the tall trees and the pretty cornflower blue sky was to die for.i got tanned. i particularly like that stretch cos there is no usual beach crowd to entrap me in their throngs (which happens to entail pasty looking bodies, ugly tattoos, sandy butts and slippers, body odour and wet t-shirts). the trees are really tall and pretty. the sea sounds more mournful there (i couldn't find a better word, so don't ask) and i can sing and talk to myself without fearing embarassment =) and the smell! it reminds me of the löyly in the sauna.
hah. i was looking through my archives and i realize that i hardly ever blogged about the sauna when i was finland. weird. maybe i just was to conked out after each session to care. i have an obsession with the sauna experience. i don't think there's any place else where you'd be willing to strip down to nothingness with other people, step into a room which is heated to 80 degrees Centigrade or more, and sweat it out. its the closest i've come to heaven on earth. no towels or underwear allowed in there, its your birthday suit and you. anyways, the feeling after that is awesome. the heat is mild, the smell delicious and the silence sacred. then you step out for a little shower in icy cold water (as in really ice ice ice cold. my grandma used to step out into the snow and roll around in it as a kid, somewhat the equivalent of the shower) and back into the heat and humidity for a bit more. repeat. then go out, get a nice scrub on the back from whoever was in there with you. then its up to your room to enjoy a nice cold drink and the soundest sleep you could ever have. if that isn't relaxing then i don't know what is.
so the beach was wonderful =)
i must study hard i must study hard so that i can make it to uni in helsinki with no glitches. the better the marks, the easier the entry. then i can visit one of the nicest places on earth. the sibelius monument.
too bad we went in winter on my last day, and not in summer when its alive and in full splendour. nevermind. next time, i'm going when the blossoms are nodding in the wind, and the place is alive with green. muahahahaha.
my pesky brother refused to wait for me when cycling back home. he even sped up so that i couldn't catch up. hrmph. at least i had a nice time cycling at my own pace. sometimes i can't stand his ever growing male ego. haha
marlz
6/07/2006 02:07:00 ip.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 06, 2006
#510
its my post number 510 since i started the blog. considering that i've had it for some time, shows that i haven't really blogged that much.i hate being told "you better do..." if you want something ask and it shall be given, demand and i shall be irritated. especially early in the morning when i'm doing some school work. i do NOT appreciate being told that i "better" do something.
anyways, of the recent happenings.
went for the class bbq last week after the lessons. my muscles were aching all over and my head spinning because i was so tired. didn't get a proper night's rest before school the next day. so anyways, van, rad, ewis and marilyn came over to help me transport the food from my place to the park. there were gloomy looking skies threatening rain before that BUT i forbid people to say the r-word and no one listened. so we felt a passing shower.
food wise, we had more than enough, contrary to anand's worries that we wouldn't when i mentioned how much i spent on the food. it was pretty well received, even if we did have so many leftovers. The guys were pretty much useless, especially alan, who failed to start the fire despite him saying that he had gone through a fire starting course. i had to come back repeatedly to reignite the fire. only anand was useful, who helped to build a decent fire and ewis, who was very good at fly swatting. oh and muhadher wasn't useless cos he's muhadher haha.
the night went pretty ok, loads of talking and alot of marvelling at the sunset. so jakun lar. as the night passed i realized my hopes of staying over for the night at prcs could not be fulfiled because of the amount of things i needed to bring back home. shared a cab with fuad, marilyn and justin.
and oh yes, we took a picture (ripped of van's blog). bev's boyfriend isn't too bad a photographer even under the influence. alan's missing cos he left early for a reason unbeknownst to us all and aneesha's not there cos she didn't come. tried to hide at the back, but i'm not that successful.
the next day i went down to assist crestwinds where i could during their camp. didn't do much, cos sectionals was cut short. played a little during the combined, but not very much. had fun playing captain's ball with the girls! my team would have won had i not left the game half way. gave some suggestions for games, which they took up, but i'm not very sure it they enjoyed. i think they did find longest line fun though. hehe.
the section's pretty much ok, just that there seems to be very few players, especially in the second parts. not sure how that came about. no bass clarinet either, which i think would be a great help to the woodwinds, cos they don't have a baritone sax and only 1 tenor. i guess for me the best part of the camp was meeting mary and rafidah and sallehin and liyana and see hua again. i truly miss our batch of sec 4s from crestwinds. too bad that so few of us came down. the dreams of a alumni need to be stashed aside yet again. i don't think we'll ever have enough to see an alumni for crestwinds, which is extremely sad.
talking abt band, i'm playing for nbc! the clarinet's need people and i agreed to help, so i guess i'm in. don't know whether i will be playing bass or not. really it doesn't matter since the standard marches don't have a bass clar part, so i will have to play the clarinet for that piece. whether i switch around is still a mytery to me.
i wanted to write abt death but i'm too tired from studies to do so. maybe another time. for once, a post that isn't morbid nor pessimistic.
marlz
6/06/2006 04:27:00 ap.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 01, 2006
i'm irritated
irritation is borne out of being annoyed. vexation is borne out of irritation. anger is borne out of vexation. destruction is borne out of intense anger.sometimes i don't understand how come some people don't bother to be nice and smile and bear it. is it really THAT hard to do? really, sometimes i let my irritation get the better of me sometimes, but at least i always try really really really hard to suppress it before i show how irritated i am. sometimes i pretend to be irritated out of jest (and had people believe me haha) but i rarely EVER show display irritation in the face of others.
thats why i don't like it when i hear people snap at other people or say things without thinking properly of at least who may be in earshot, but more importantly, whether their comment is really right and fair. i don't like it when people snap at me or use that irritated "i think you're doing things wrongly cos i want it done this way" tone on me, so why should i do that to anyone else, its only FAIR that i don't and its selfish if i do. call yourself brutally honest if you like, but however you term it, it isn't a virtue. and what you say may not be particularly hurtful sounding to you, but hey, haven't you noticed that the tone of your voice counts? if you don't like something, then state what it is or pull out NICELY (not in that arrogant i'm-better-than-you-so-you-don't-deserve-my-presence way), don't order that it be changed for your liking. if you're not capable of that, at least pepper your speech with a "please" and a "thank you".
its my theory that really displaying your irritation is remarkably unglam and conflict provoking, particularly when its over something really teeny like a place in the queue. even i would oppose and speak up if its over something like being denied basic human rights but even then, i would ask nicely. its also my theory that its people who are unable to ask or state nicely their request who are most prone to being aggressive in the negative way. and that most of the time, this happens if they are amongst a group of people who are exactly like them. and when that happens we have intense anger, and if it gets worse, destruction.
it does pay to be nice you know. you get a nice answer, you get a nice deed in return, and people treat you nicely (most of the time). and even better, if the person you are talking to is not used to being asked or treated nicely, then they'll just become so shy that they'll be nice right back. and thats why i'm irritated with irritable people and this is the first and last time i shall say this.
be nice people. pretty pretty please =)
marlz