I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 20, 2006
tennis and stuff
i'm irritated cos that irritating window washer thing has decided to close internet explorer and get rid of my unsaved post while i was in the midst of typing it out. its really infuriating.
i had a hand at tennis on thursday during physical ed. was very much like happy fuel. the sun was bright but not blazing, the court was empty and we had 6 players out of which 4 were inexperienced. really quite hilarious.
so. its clear that me and games with balls that bounce do not go together. i have a tendency to forget that the ball bounces. so everytime i served the ball ended up on the opposite court, disturbing the 4 guys playing there (quite well in fact). and yes, the 6 of us were squeezing and playing simultaneously on the same court.
so anyway, i could almost swear that we were out to kill each other. i nearly got marilyn severly injured when i hit the ball and it went flying towards her head. i myself got hit in the crotch and wanwen in the chest, and i nearly killed the guy on the opposite court too. didn't feel any pain at all, but was in stitches because i was laughing so hard. but i did get in one shot that dari said was good! and that was coming from a tennis player mind you. that means i wasn't that bad. maybe with some practice i'll get better?
i just was musing over the gothic tradition just now as i was reading the turn of the screw again. think that i've found a common thread that we've yet to discuss in lecture and in tutorial. maybe i shall ask dr s. feel abit stupid over it, but well, to ask it better than to be dumb. so i shall.
that day during tutorial we were talking abt how the gothic is very much about our deepest and darkest secrets and desires. like perhaps fantasies that you'd never have come to light in real life? or something that you have a strong urge to do but would never dare to? i realized mine is reprimanding everyone who irritate me.
i have a lot of pent up frustration. sometimes, i do cry alone, wondering why i should take all the nonsense that comes my way. i do fantasize giving a tongue lashing to people who really really irk me. my desire is to repay everyone who has caused me to be vexed in some way or other, be it intense irritation or slow burning anger. to shout and them, scream in their face that i do not take that kind of behaviour too kindly.
but i don't do it in real life because 1. i've had people talk to me in irritated tones or display irritation because i refuse to comply to their demands. and i don't like it. 2. i rather cry on my own and have that kind of release rather than lash out at people and have them cry.
sometimes i feel the way people treat me is not justified. i don't see why i have to comply all the time, why i must nod and say yes and smile. definitely i'm not the beacon of truth or honesty when it comes to revealing how i feel, but thats me. i don't like to reveal my thoughts on things to people on a personal level. its strange that i rather type them out, but its the way i am. i'm not very good at communication you know. i rather listen to someone speak abt how they feel, than do it myself.
whether that bottling up of emotion is entirely healthy or not is a different matter. i've been in a situation once when it all came out very badly. very very badly in fact, but i'm glad that is over. sometimes i feel that it is too much, and then i start crying, when it seems its over something really trivial. it really isn't. just a whole bunch of problems that cause me to be angry and bitter. i don't reveal everything to anyone or this blog or even my private blog for that matter. so forgive me if my rambling on this space seems too heavy or dark or bitter for you. you could always leave if you don't appreciate it, just don't tell me how to blog or that i could afford to be more optimistic.
sometimes i wonder if i was born a pessimist you know. i always fear and prepare for the worst. i've been told countless times to lighten up, not to be so highly strung, to not think so much, to not worry. i've tried, but its like a habit that i can't rid myself of. i even envy people like lisa who seem to have so much optimism that they are so carefree and happy. then again i've seen people more highly strung that me so i guess i'm still ok. who knows what i'll be like ten years down the road. more paranoid? i don't know.
i'm still aching from yesterday. ouch.
marlz
5/20/2006 03:02:00 ip.