I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

torstaina, toukokuuta 04, 2006

of obstacles

you. you are my biggest obstacle in this life.

when i heard what happened, the first thing that crossed my mind amidst the tumult was "its no use, nothings going to be ok, its never ok. i should just die whats the point of living?"

its the norm. but i pushed that thought aside because i believe in 2 things that i did not have faith in previously. 1. Allah, the great and the merciful. 2. my mother's strength.

it could have been very different, and i could've gone and done some very stupid things. the thoughts still linger in my head, and i push them away everytime.

but you. you just intesify these feelings. i wish that FOR ONCE you'd have some idea of what you do. that FOR ONCE you'd include us in your problems and we could help you solve them. that FOR ONCE you don't spout things without thinking.

and i write this here specifically because i know you read this blog, for what reasons i don't know. because i've come to the conclusion that you don't love me anymore. you don't care.

no you don't. you do things out of obligation. in fact, i don't even recall the day you last loved me. don't you think that is sad? you always complain that i start fights with you and that i'm mean, but now i complain. that i don't know when you last loved me.

you know we are all dependants. in fact, you know very well that we are all dependant on you. but there's one thing you never got right.

that money isn't the issue here. that money is but a material thing, that sometimes we lose, sometime we gain. it can be gained again. money is not a problem for me, and that's why i didn't burst into tears.

the issue at hand would be that you are somehow in the dark about your every little action outside the home affecting us. every little seemingly harmless thing you do or even say, affect us. the home is a buffer zone you know, where everything can be discounted. but in the wide world out there, everything you do affects us.

and you fail to realize this and take responsibility for it.

i think i have vowed somewhere in my heart that i will not be dependant on you after the A levels. i'm going to leave. i'm going to stand on my own two feet, no matter how difficult a task it may be, and i'm NOT going to rely on you.

because you know what. what's the point of having functional relationships and ponder everyday about a love lost. you may not love me anymore, but you fail to realize that though you irritate me alot, i still have love for you.

whatever it is. you are a hindrance to me, as i am to you. and i'm glad we are ending that soon.

but have some heart and take care of the ones who are dependant on you. this is my last year. a tough one at that, with the A's looming. can't you for one year, not have me go to school crying my eyes out? can't you for one year, fail to wake me up in the middle of the night, to hear the ugly sounds that come with darkness? can you for one year, FAIL TO BREAK MY HEART. because thats what you have done all these years. break my heart. just for one year, for my a level year, for my last year as a dependant. is it so difficult to do?

i could easily say i hate you. but i won't cos i know the reverse is true. that i hate myself for making you turn out this way. for making you lose your love for me. i hate myself more than anybody.

marlz

torstaina, toukokuuta 04, 2006

of obstacles

5/04/2006 10:26:00 ip.

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