I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 03, 2006
maybe its time you thought a little harder
i discovered something about myself recently. sometimes, for what reason i don't know, i get this really heavy feeling in my chest. almost as if my heart is sinking. marilyn has termed it the "impending sense of doom". but i don't think it is an impending sense of doom. i don't know why my heart sinks. then i need to sigh it out. i guess thats why someone asked me a long time ago why i sigh so much, without cause.
the funny thing is, now that i KNOW the heavy heartedness is there, i can't sigh it away. it just stays. is it yet ANOTHER symptom of being/having a worrywart? laughing helps, i notice, but not the sighing. not anymore. not even if my sigh is a super deep, loud or high pitched one. nope. does not work.
what is even more curious is that it doesn't only come when i'm tired, or not speaking to anyone. sometimes, mid-sentence, i suddenly feel the heavy feeling coming back. i don't like it, but i don't know how to rid it.
i reckon that it could be because of the fact that i'm feeling anxious. that would hold, if not for the fact that there's absolutely nothing to feel anxious about. i'm dumb.
something i wrote a long time ago on another blog:
today, i took friend's advice. i smiled. i more than smiled. i laughed, i guffawed, i chuckled, i chortled.
friend, i don't need you to smile or say hello or wave when i meet you at the gate on morning duty.yes indeed friend, i don't need you to do anything. (i say friend to prevent embarassment) you've done more than enough. i'm grateful for your sense and your patience when i did the most infuriating things.
when i could find no meaning, you gave me something to live for. when i fell you helped me get up. when i was obstinate, you scolded me and then soothed my savage and raw feelings.
in my darkest times, i turned to you, and you gave me meaning. this will sound so cliche, but you were the only one who managed to make me smile when tears stained my cheeks. you were the only one who could make me see when i had clouded thinking.
i loved every single moment we talked on the phone. it made me laugh, it made me smile. my days brightened at the sound of your voice. at the silliness of our conversations. i found every joke funny. and i still smile now when i think of those times.
even though its not OUR friendship day (yes i STILL remember the day i met you : 26th July) i want you to know i'm thinking of you today, because i've not been able to talk to you recently, or to communicate in any way. i don't want our perfect, good, friendship to die. so
JACOB LEONG here's to you. i still cherish our friendship, and have not forgotten you. no more sad blog posts from you!
marlz
5/03/2006 11:43:00 ap.