marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 13, 2006
hatred
two days of band. can't say anything besides that i'm very very tired and in a very foul mood.
AND that foul mood has led me to think thoughts, which i realize are quite true.
first and foremost. friends. i don't even know why i bother making them. except for those whom i think are so close to me that i think they are sisters and brothers, and those whom i hang out with all the time, i don't see why i make any at all.
besides. why should i be friendly to people who are probably gossiping about me behind my back. who smile at me, but don't actually like and bother to get to know me. why should i say good things about the people i know (who aren't close friends or hang out buddies). why should i bother protecting people who probably don't even have to patience to deal with me in my bad moods, to take care of me when i need them, and to be my friend and accept my help when i offer it with no motive in mind? why should i bother about these friends.
i have decided, over the holiday, that there are people
i don't actually like, but have been protecting and being nice to, because i feel obligated to. because of the fact that i admit to knowing and having met and interacted with them. why should i bother protecting them (when others backstab them) and saying nice things about them, when they are saying the opposite. and when i say there are people whom i don't like, i even mean this about people i have classes with everyday.
henceforth, not everyone will be my friend anymore. whether not you (whoever you are) are part of the group i regard as friends, will probably come to light in near future. it is my family that has always counted, and will always count. i don't think i ought to give a hoot about these so called "friends".
i have come to the painful conclusion that people aren't inherently kind (as i used to think them). no. they are in fact the opposite. no wonder i feel i get along with some people better than others. they are kind. others are just out for fun, and probably would stab me in the back, just for the sake of gaining popularity. i have even encountered people, whom, though i've tried my best to treat as friends, have only succeeded in leeching off me in a most despicable manner. yes. why should i lend you my work, share my ideas with you, why should i comply to your every request. don't be surprised if you get a curt "no" from me now, when previously you got a "yes"
as from this moment, my ideas and thoughts that i do not publish on blogger are not to be shared, so do not come seeking for my opinion, idea or thought. do not be surprised if i refuse to share in class. do not be surprised if i turn down your request for ideas. AND every thought i publish here is MINE. not yours. quote me, and before you do that, ask for permission to quote.
its my turn to be selfish, because the world has been unkind to me. i'm not someone to be walked all over anymore, so LEAVE ME BE, you selfish people.
talking abt being selfish, i realize i'm started to resent the study of economics even more this year. all the macro stuff. assumptions. whats the point of having a model that doesn't at all hold water in real life. where's the point in studying that? why should we study money? isn't it bad enough that we are almost slaves to it? that we have to slog to make a living because a living immediately means money? i think economics is a subject without any point. it is the study of Man's obsession with worldly possessions. assets. whatever you choose to call them. His obsession and manipulation of worldly posessions. this world is cruel.
i hate the life i lead now. besides the training for concert (tiring as it may be), nothing else seems to make any sense. i don't like school anymore. its all so rushed i don't enjoy what i'm studying. everyday i pray i get through the day without breaking. with faith, i somehow do and plod my way home. but i think there will come a day where i will break. my tank of happy fuel is starting to run low. very low.
i feel so tired. i wonder how i even lasted through last year. the heavy feeling in the chest is coming to me more often now, heavier and more difficult to sigh out. i dread the thought of going to tutorials now. lectures aren't as bad as tutorials. but i suspect that even lectures will end up being draggy and dreary in time to come.
it seems as if everything has wasted away into nothingness. somewhat like an empty room. a beige empty room, which, if you should enter, makes you feel tired, mentally and physically. there seems to be a feeling of oppression, and it is hanging thickly in the air you breathe. you can't even sigh it out anymore. you just can't. the concrete walls won't let the sigh out.
the world i live in is a bad place. i wish i could climb out of it. somewhat like stepping into an alternative dimension, or stepping out of a tv set, exactly the same way sadako does in the ring movies.
if not for the thought of disappointing some people, i would already give up now.
marlz
5/13/2006 02:34:00 ip.