marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 31, 2006
mildly obsessed
i must be somewhat obsessed over love metal and other types of metal cos i dreamnt of apocalyptica last night. and of ville valo!
total madness. never been swo into a band since gdness knows when. apocalyptica really rocks funky cello strings. metal plus cello? usually i'll be skeptical, but this time i'm too blown away by it to care. and they came from the sibelius academy! my dream school. what more can a girl ask for?
totally into the whole sound. i swore off metal long ago, thinking its not my cuppa, but hey i want it in the atmosphere now.
love metal is love <3
marlz
5/31/2006 11:04:00 ip.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 29, 2006
school holidays
its been ages since i blogged at this space.
today's the first monday on which i've slept late in what seems like a billion years. huge exaggeration, but nevermind, since i LOVE sleep.
so i brought my cinnamon rolls to erudite cell this morning, and they were very well received, which meant that my worries that they wouldn't be finished were unfounded. i must say that i've gotten much better at making the
korvapuustit as compared to before. there's no more hard hard shell and no excess in cinammon, which makes the roll bitter. i need to work on sizes though, because it seems as if i don't get uniform rolls and some of them tend to break into really grotesque looking things in the oven. other than that i think i'm ok.
intend to make the taateli kakku again to see if it turns out sometime this holiday. also intend to try out the joulu torttu and a mushroom quiche in this time, alongside with studying. it is my FIRM belief that messing around in the kitchen is a great stress reliever, thought sorter, and energy waster. nothing like standing over the hot stove or oven. AND your house smells really nice too. =)
i took pictures of the process, though without me looking unglam while dough mixing or rolling. only pictures of the waiting for the rolls to bake and of some happy campers. will be up soon.
i'm really big on knowing how to cook and how to clean and iron and fold clothes because i think its an extremely valuable life skill to have. scoff at me if you like, but i don't believe in having a maid. and housework is a form of light exercise, unlike rotting somewhere while waiting for it to be done. why depend so much on somebody to do the work when most of it can be done yourself?
heh. anyways, since this is going to be a mindless post might as well continue.
been totally into HIM this week and swooning over Ville Valo's deep, creamy purring. haha. its totally sexay. not everyone will agree with me over the whole Love Metal thing. for those who don't know, HIM is a finnish band (again. heh) that i've never really paid attention to until this year. HIM stands for His Infernal Majesty, which sounds a bit disturbing, i think. the whole heartagram symbol is theirs and no, they aren't satanic, contrary to popular notion. they seem to have this goth punk rock thing going on, but i don't really think its that, cos they don't sound like part of the goth rock genre. whatever it is, i'm totally digging it. AND ville. he kinda reminds me of lestat from the queen of the damned, without the fangs of course. not exactly pretty boy handsome but uber charming in a mysterious way. hate to use this word, but i can't think of a better word to use : dark, almost. really cool cool air about him.
i don't quite know what made me ride the wave of rock music, but i've caught on and can't let go, much to the disappointment of my grandparents (who call me
pikku rokkari in jest) and my dad who thinks the only rock music that is permissible is elvis. not as if elvis was very approved of by parents of screaming teenagers when he was popular anyways, but that's the parent's opinion for you.
its not as if i don't appreciate other genres, but i particularly like rock. not so much of mainstream rock that gets overplayed by the radios but the kind that takes more listening to appreciate. i won't say i'm a hardcore metal fan, or that i appreciate a band like black sabbath now, but i don't really appreciate all that gets played on the radio for mainstream radio. its very pop-ish and to be polite i'll just say that i'm not a pop girl. i don't see whats wrong with rock, just as i don't see listening to someone like Bach or Sibelius or Liszt uncool. and i do let some brands of pop pass provided they sound decent, like Robbie Williams. why people find rock so controversial through time is weird to me. you either love it or like my section mate Charity Tan, think that its "very noisy".
maybe its a fear that our liking of the genre is more of an attraction to the dark dark side of rock rather than rock itself. just like hip hop is not just a dance or music, but a culture, perhaps rock and roll has its own culture as well. a culture of booze, tattoos, drugs and sex. every temptation that has ever existed probably exists in the world of rock and roll. and it really does have a very bad reputation, but if one can appreciate the sounds of it and not immerse themselves in that culture, then i don't think there is any problem is there?
whatever. rock is just so misunderstood.
talking about finnish rock made me think about finland in the past weekend. i feel weird, somehow, at the thought that i will be returning there again after a short two years in jc. i felt so uprooted when i went there, put in my little roots for the time, only to feel uprooted again when i came back to singapore. that short time there made me fall in love more with the place, its physical aspects as well and the quiet sort of living that came with me being there. now that i'm back i truly miss it.
that day had a dream that i was ice skating at a lake there. a week before i had a dream of being in the snow without a coat and i woke up shivering with cold for some reason. the dreams of the place have increased in frequency recently though i hardly know why. yesterday even, i realised how much i missed the weekly sauna, which we don't get in singapore. some people might squirm at the thought of stripping to go into a room which is heated sometimes up to 80 degrees celsius and then to take an icy cold shower after that. sounds like madness, but it feels absolutely heavenly. the smell of the loyly is something i really enjoyed as well as that really lovely, pleasantly tired sort of feeling that you get afterwards. everytime we went back up from the sauna i felt as if i was drifting up the stairs. and when you sleep on a sauna day, the sleep is nothing short of heavenly. never have i slept so soundly and as felt as refreshed as sleeping after a sauna day.
there you go. i get a queer heart ache just thinking about something so familiar and so far away from where i am at now. i loved it. i loved the sharp cold air on the days we went on walks, and the
sininen hetki that i saw everyday. and i miss that day on the ice when i heard the water moaning beneath its crystalline cover, those deep throaty gulps that haunt my dreams and thoughts till today. there's nothing quite like being there and seeing it and feeling it and hearing it. there's nthing quite like it.
as a middle child i feel like i've gotten the best of both worlds. maybe its because i'm not purely of one race that i feel i can relate to both sides. isn't it weird that i'm the other's child as well as the other's other's child all at once. a real awkward way to put it, but that's how it goes.
shall end my rambling here. its gp exam tomorrow! gd luck to everyone involved =)
marlz
5/29/2006 01:46:00 ip.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 22, 2006
its merely jealousy
you made a choice to air your dirty laundry in full public view of the blogosphere. fine.
while you didn't reveal names, i can only say how hurtful that proclamation was to me.
and while you choose to do so, i choose not to. i WILL NOT stoop to your level. that is because i'm above and beyond you, since you obviously have neither the maturity nor the guts to say things in my face.
and don't worry, i won't expose you. i have better things to do than that.
through what you've done you've only proven how much you think of me.
i've said this before and i say this again. friends aren't my priority, family is, and here's a gentle reminder that you happen to fall into the former classification.
so that's settled, and i rest my case.
5/22/2006 10:15:00 ap.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 21, 2006
the sad and beautiful
i believe i've left one of the posts hanging with my fascination with addiction. don't get any ideas now.
been thinking about a certain kind of addiction, to sadness, to drugs that make you depressed, to drugs like opium.
i think its kind of strange that the innocent poppy flower could be made into something that is associated and blamed for the decline of life. i've seen pictures, fields of poppies. they are but little small things, red and yellow, pretty even. who would have thought that a simple flower commonly used as medication could end up as something so abused and so essentially bad? but there you go, give enough time, and anything innocent cna and will be perverted by man.
everytime i think of opium i recall Baum's "The Wizard of Oz". the part where Dorothy and the rest walk through a field of flowers and she and the lion force off sleep which is induced by the flowers themselves. mr christopher "tough love" chen said that day that he has walked through a field of poppies before. i don't know where one could find a field of poppies anymore. it seems like something straight out of a book, or back in time.
so that day we were looking at this extract from DeQuincey's "Confessions of an Opium Eater". in some part the persona calls the opiate an elixir of pleasure. very ironic if you ask me. pleasure and sadness wouldn't usually go hand in hand unless you have bipolar disorder or you derive some sadistic pleasure in making yourself extremely sad.
but still isn't it interesting that so many creative individuals have taken opium or a form of opium to induce a state that makes them exceptionally creative. Keats did. how weird that they chose to celebrate the beauty in sadness rather than the beauty in happiness, in joy, in life? that they focused on the heart rending song of a nightingale at its death like Keats did, or a tragedy where a lover dies in her partners arms.
its unique to be addicted to sadness, if you ask me. its different from wanting to be rid of pain totally or induce hallucinations. to like sadness, to see a beauty that comes with hot tears, or an unjustified death, or some form of degeneration and decline is different. weird, maybe, self torturous, definitely, but unique, ultimately.
its not as if people need opium anymore to induce such a state. there's always alcohol. but to me its different. alcoholism is a disgusting habit, there's nothing beautiful in drowning in your own vomit because you've taken too much of it. as far as i know, alcohol causes much more damage to your body than opiates do. i view opium in a different light. to me, i don't see them as being the same thing.
in fact, i don't see people needing any form of substance in order to induce that state of sadness. the world is full of the sad already. the ever famous fictitious villain hannibal lecter, said in one instance that the society we live in now is in a limbo. progressing but regressing at the same time. the draught of sadness lingers sweetly on anyone's lips who has lived past the age of innocence.
i guess the sweetest part of this misery is the feeling of bittersweet nostalgia, where you know you're past the point at which you could have turned back, instead of having to be in that sadness. its like a sad smile, like a death that could be avoided, like the loss of beauty. anyone is capable of that when pensive or wistful. no need for opiates of any sort. the poppy flowers can be left instead to rot and die on the fields where they take root.
that will never happen i know. there are always going to be people so in love with their sadness, so intoxicated by pain, so in want of that small paradise in which they reign that opiates will always be in demand.
the complications of being addicted to sadness. if you die, its like paying the price for wanting a price of exquisite pain. if you don't its like having to pay a price everyday. self damaging but oh so beautiful.
thus my fascination. if only i could know what the high felt like, without the drug. if i could visit the paradise without the key. if i could feel the sad smile, without actually being sad. isn't it such a interesting state of affairs?
but i can only peek, and i can only be satisfied with that and my mediocre language and fragmented posts. leave the sadness and excellent writing to Keats and DeQuincy.
marlz
5/21/2006 05:11:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 20, 2006
tennis and stuff
i'm irritated cos that irritating window washer thing has decided to close internet explorer and get rid of my unsaved post while i was in the midst of typing it out. its really infuriating.
i had a hand at tennis on thursday during physical ed. was very much like happy fuel. the sun was bright but not blazing, the court was empty and we had 6 players out of which 4 were inexperienced. really quite hilarious.
so. its clear that me and games with balls that bounce do not go together. i have a tendency to forget that the ball bounces. so everytime i served the ball ended up on the opposite court, disturbing the 4 guys playing there (quite well in fact). and yes, the 6 of us were squeezing and playing simultaneously on the same court.
so anyway, i could almost swear that we were out to kill each other. i nearly got marilyn severly injured when i hit the ball and it went flying towards her head. i myself got hit in the crotch and wanwen in the chest, and i nearly killed the guy on the opposite court too. didn't feel any pain at all, but was in stitches because i was laughing so hard. but i did get in one shot that dari said was good! and that was coming from a tennis player mind you. that means i wasn't that bad. maybe with some practice i'll get better?
i just was musing over the gothic tradition just now as i was reading the turn of the screw again. think that i've found a common thread that we've yet to discuss in lecture and in tutorial. maybe i shall ask dr s. feel abit stupid over it, but well, to ask it better than to be dumb. so i shall.
that day during tutorial we were talking abt how the gothic is very much about our deepest and darkest secrets and desires. like perhaps fantasies that you'd never have come to light in real life? or something that you have a strong urge to do but would never dare to? i realized mine is reprimanding everyone who irritate me.
i have a lot of pent up frustration. sometimes, i do cry alone, wondering why i should take all the nonsense that comes my way. i do fantasize giving a tongue lashing to people who really really irk me. my desire is to repay everyone who has caused me to be vexed in some way or other, be it intense irritation or slow burning anger. to shout and them, scream in their face that i do not take that kind of behaviour too kindly.
but i don't do it in real life because 1. i've had people talk to me in irritated tones or display irritation because i refuse to comply to their demands. and i don't like it. 2. i rather cry on my own and have that kind of release rather than lash out at people and have them cry.
sometimes i feel the way people treat me is not justified. i don't see why i have to comply all the time, why i must nod and say yes and smile. definitely i'm not the beacon of truth or honesty when it comes to revealing how i feel, but thats me. i don't like to reveal my thoughts on things to people on a personal level. its strange that i rather type them out, but its the way i am. i'm not very good at communication you know. i rather listen to someone speak abt how they feel, than do it myself.
whether that bottling up of emotion is entirely healthy or not is a different matter. i've been in a situation once when it all came out very badly. very very badly in fact, but i'm glad that is over. sometimes i feel that it is too much, and then i start crying, when it seems its over something really trivial. it really isn't. just a whole bunch of problems that cause me to be angry and bitter. i don't reveal everything to anyone or this blog or even my private blog for that matter. so forgive me if my rambling on this space seems too heavy or dark or bitter for you. you could always leave if you don't appreciate it, just don't tell me how to blog or that i could afford to be more optimistic.
sometimes i wonder if i was born a pessimist you know. i always fear and prepare for the worst. i've been told countless times to lighten up, not to be so highly strung, to not think so much, to not worry. i've tried, but its like a habit that i can't rid myself of. i even envy people like lisa who seem to have so much optimism that they are so carefree and happy. then again i've seen people more highly strung that me so i guess i'm still ok. who knows what i'll be like ten years down the road. more paranoid? i don't know.
i'm still aching from yesterday. ouch.
marlz
5/20/2006 03:02:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 19, 2006
JDV II
its finally over. not superbly fantastic playing on my part (in fact, hardly that) but a good performance as a band!
i was very nervous, and i felt like puking, so didn't eat. and i was in a frumpy and fidgety mood because i was nervous. james gave me a reassuring arm around the shoulder which calmed me a little but not much (it was sweet anyway). after all, it is my first and last full concert in a band. therefore its my first and last chance to get it right.
i'm aching everywhere and in everyway possible, yet i somehow feel very high. it was fun seeing euodia and jeremy (though i don't know him that well) being emcees and it was nice hearing that they thought we sounded good. thanks for the encouragement at the interval!
it was even better seeing darling wenqi. she gave me a nice rose. the first flower of the night. and a big hug. and she felt nervous for us! i was fidgeting and fidgeting and fidgeting, and she smoothed away my frown. thanks for being there and helping out.
the section tried to get me into pictures (as usual) and i absolutely refused to take a picture at all. heh. feel very bad that i was a spoilsport but i really detest photos. its more than just being camera shy. i don't see why i have the need to capture a moment in time for viewing when i can capture the feeling of that moment in my being. i don't see why i need to capture the image of you or myself, when the ravages of time will take that away. anyways, my dearest section, your voices (quite literally) and faces and spirits are imprinted in my mind, written on my heart, and embedded in my soul. and that goes the same for all the other people in band that are dear to me.
i actually crashed geog tutorial cos i was early in school and wanted to pass time. after that was quite hectic. the rehearsal at vch nearly killed me. it was so tiring, and i was dumb enough to give my all during the rehearsal. don't ask me how i managed to survive the concert, cos i honestly don't know. it was very tiring. mr wobbly teeth and shoulder cramp were permanently with me after the rehearsal already.
i know that jeremy had a hand cramp cos we were talking to each other in between pieces about our mistakes and sound. i thought that the first half before the intermission was very bad. nearly lost my hype over the last part of the concert.
the bus ride to vch was nice. i liked looking at the historical buildings in the city. i'm not a particularly city person, more of the park and country person, but i do see the charm in the city. the hustle and bustle, if not overbearing, can be actually quite refreshing and pleasant. the skyscrapers don't particularly appeal to me, BUT i so liked the look of fullerton. in fact i like the look of anderson bridge and vch as well. the old buildings in this world bring with the stories and memories of times past. its nice to imagine that you're treading on the very same ground that legends could have been treading. old things and buildings have more heart than the newer, clean ones. they haven't weathered the storm. its nice to know that many tears and smiles have been shared in old buildings, that you might share a smile or a tear there. its nice to know.
but as we all know time takes care of all things new. eventually, the new things we take for granted and look at in awe will become old buildings that we'll adore. just as old buildings were history in the making.
i'm pooped, and i think i might just steal some sleep now.
marlz
5/19/2006 05:30:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 17, 2006
so very wasted
this week is an excrutiatingly tiring and painful week. quite literally.
monday was the only day that i went home early. not much since monday was a long day ANYWAY.
friday and saturday last week were spent in school on band practice. 4 solid hours each, without a break save for a toilet break that was no longer than 10 minutes, spent in the sweltering hall that made me feel as if i would drown myself in perspiration. didn't help either that ms sia went on and on till i was so breathless that i had a chest pain, that i sat so straight that my shoulder muscles were aching and that my reed vibrated so much that my lower teeth were wobbly when i went home.
so tuesday was yesterday and i spent my day from 7.30 am to approximately 9 pm in school. now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a full 13 and a half hours, meaning that i spent more than half my day in school. some life i have eh. and the wobbly teeth and shoulder ache did not fail to revisit me again.
today is wednesday. and i feel so wasted. i wonder how am i to drag myself to school tomorrow because thursday is a terribly long and irritatingly dull day, AND i have band prac yet again tomorrow as a last minute rehearsal before the concert. today's sectionals plus combined practice was enough to make
mr wobbly teeth and
shoulder ache come back, AND also make
mr squeak very loud halfway through a piece pop by for a while as well. oh whee. how fun. tomorrow i swear i will die out if practice is longer than 3 hours. today was already 5 hrs. even worse than the friday and saturday if you ask me.
i have a feeling now that i will be RELIEVED when the concert is over. no more painful weeks. still wondering if i should play for the competition. seems as they need my part BUT i'm hesitant because i'm not that great a player in the first place and i worry that i lose my touch after the june hols, because i am quite set on not going into the band room at all lest i conveniently forget studying for mid years. no no. i will not step foot into the band room at all during the june hols. not at all. BUT then how, for i heard they are playing jericho, so its either me or fabian that has to come and help, or else the first part will sound empty and without any support.
and lets not forget school, shall we. terribly boring if you ask me. the only remotely interesting thing about lessons is, as usual, my favourite subject. i don't know i could survive the monotony of school if not for lit tutorials and lectures. i like having room to think for myself, to form my own opinions and not have any forced onto me for the sake of better grades. i like that i am free to interpret as i wish, so long as find substantiation, and i like that i can view an issue from a different perspective as a teacher or a mentor, and still have my view be valid. i like the freedom. its nice.
not that i have anything against econs teachers or the econs lecturers or anything, but i don't quite agree with the lecturer today who said that people who are actively engaged and utterly devoted to the study of economics are philosophical people. definitely compassionate, but no, i think the word philosophical is not to be used on them. i still think that geography is a softer subject as compared to economics. if i were to personify the three subjects that i take, i would make literature a nice quirky personality, lofty, somewhat dandified, very refined, and very compassionate. geography would be the middle ground, sensible and practical, caring and kind. and economics would be akin to the hard working, stern, ambitious, somwhat cold and aloof personality. thats how i see subjects in my head, and feel them when i study.
addiction is such an intriguing thing.
marlz
5/17/2006 01:29:00 ip.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 14, 2006
press that button and you die
so. i've decided to make yet another template change.
something irked me today on messenger. something to do with yesterday's post. all i can say is that person has proved me right. that not all whom i regarded as friends are true friends.
to those people i put it simply. in siti nurbaya's words it goes like this :
death upon you now!or at least something along those lines.
mummy's day today. gave her the card, and she seemed quite happy abt the card and the words inside as well. the present will have to wait due to certain circumstances. but otherwise, today is a nice day.
AND i finished reading the turn of the screw. pretty disturbing stuff. was rahter perturbed because of the ending. very unexpected and shocking. probably a culmination of all the tension in the book. but still not much of an ending if you ask me. everything is left hanging. which is something i really do appreciate.
test tomorrow. no need to say. i can predict yet another single digit number scrawled across my page AGAIN. there's no end to the tests and there's no end to the failing. so it seems at this point.
jdvII is this friday, meaning that the coming week is extremely intense. not surprised if i die halfway due to exhaustion.
i quite like my current template. i think i shall go and rest now.
marlz
5/14/2006 10:05:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 13, 2006
hatred
two days of band. can't say anything besides that i'm very very tired and in a very foul mood.
AND that foul mood has led me to think thoughts, which i realize are quite true.
first and foremost. friends. i don't even know why i bother making them. except for those whom i think are so close to me that i think they are sisters and brothers, and those whom i hang out with all the time, i don't see why i make any at all.
besides. why should i be friendly to people who are probably gossiping about me behind my back. who smile at me, but don't actually like and bother to get to know me. why should i say good things about the people i know (who aren't close friends or hang out buddies). why should i bother protecting people who probably don't even have to patience to deal with me in my bad moods, to take care of me when i need them, and to be my friend and accept my help when i offer it with no motive in mind? why should i bother about these friends.
i have decided, over the holiday, that there are people
i don't actually like, but have been protecting and being nice to, because i feel obligated to. because of the fact that i admit to knowing and having met and interacted with them. why should i bother protecting them (when others backstab them) and saying nice things about them, when they are saying the opposite. and when i say there are people whom i don't like, i even mean this about people i have classes with everyday.
henceforth, not everyone will be my friend anymore. whether not you (whoever you are) are part of the group i regard as friends, will probably come to light in near future. it is my family that has always counted, and will always count. i don't think i ought to give a hoot about these so called "friends".
i have come to the painful conclusion that people aren't inherently kind (as i used to think them). no. they are in fact the opposite. no wonder i feel i get along with some people better than others. they are kind. others are just out for fun, and probably would stab me in the back, just for the sake of gaining popularity. i have even encountered people, whom, though i've tried my best to treat as friends, have only succeeded in leeching off me in a most despicable manner. yes. why should i lend you my work, share my ideas with you, why should i comply to your every request. don't be surprised if you get a curt "no" from me now, when previously you got a "yes"
as from this moment, my ideas and thoughts that i do not publish on blogger are not to be shared, so do not come seeking for my opinion, idea or thought. do not be surprised if i refuse to share in class. do not be surprised if i turn down your request for ideas. AND every thought i publish here is MINE. not yours. quote me, and before you do that, ask for permission to quote.
its my turn to be selfish, because the world has been unkind to me. i'm not someone to be walked all over anymore, so LEAVE ME BE, you selfish people.
talking abt being selfish, i realize i'm started to resent the study of economics even more this year. all the macro stuff. assumptions. whats the point of having a model that doesn't at all hold water in real life. where's the point in studying that? why should we study money? isn't it bad enough that we are almost slaves to it? that we have to slog to make a living because a living immediately means money? i think economics is a subject without any point. it is the study of Man's obsession with worldly possessions. assets. whatever you choose to call them. His obsession and manipulation of worldly posessions. this world is cruel.
i hate the life i lead now. besides the training for concert (tiring as it may be), nothing else seems to make any sense. i don't like school anymore. its all so rushed i don't enjoy what i'm studying. everyday i pray i get through the day without breaking. with faith, i somehow do and plod my way home. but i think there will come a day where i will break. my tank of happy fuel is starting to run low. very low.
i feel so tired. i wonder how i even lasted through last year. the heavy feeling in the chest is coming to me more often now, heavier and more difficult to sigh out. i dread the thought of going to tutorials now. lectures aren't as bad as tutorials. but i suspect that even lectures will end up being draggy and dreary in time to come.
it seems as if everything has wasted away into nothingness. somewhat like an empty room. a beige empty room, which, if you should enter, makes you feel tired, mentally and physically. there seems to be a feeling of oppression, and it is hanging thickly in the air you breathe. you can't even sigh it out anymore. you just can't. the concrete walls won't let the sigh out.
the world i live in is a bad place. i wish i could climb out of it. somewhat like stepping into an alternative dimension, or stepping out of a tv set, exactly the same way sadako does in the ring movies.
if not for the thought of disappointing some people, i would already give up now.
marlz
5/13/2006 02:34:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 05, 2006
of emotions
there are some emotions that can't be hidden, not even if you will them to.
maybe, maybe when it involves someone who depends on you not to freak, you can hold on. to hide that emotion, that feeling.
that feeling is one of immense disappointment and sadness.
you hold on so that another will not see you cry. but you mind never lets it go. its never does. not with something as vivid and as painful.
you withdraw, you stay silent. you push people away.
you pretend everything is normal, that everything is fine. but you know its not so.
your eyes start swimming and you run. you hear the slap-slap of your shoes on the floor, and you don't care.
you bolt yourself in and cry. cry so hard and so furiously that you forget all time, all the voices, everything.
you try to let go, but a huge drop trickles down your cheek, and then another and then another. torrents that never seem to end.
you purse your lips, you try to hold it in, but it doesn't stop. every word just jars you, just makes more stains on your cheeks.
you cry so hard you get a head ache from all the crying. and you scold yourself. cos you've yet again cried over something that cannot be solved. something that does not lie in your hands. you've cried, when you know that tears can't solve the problem. you've cried when you shouldn't have.
tears never fail to want company. but some sorrows just can't have any, cos no amount of company can help, when the problem can't be solved.
marlz
5/05/2006 03:50:00 ip.
torstaina, toukokuuta 04, 2006
of obstacles
you. you are my biggest obstacle in this life.
when i heard what happened, the first thing that crossed my mind amidst the tumult was "its no use, nothings going to be ok, its never ok. i should just die whats the point of living?"
its the norm. but i pushed that thought aside because i believe in 2 things that i did not have faith in previously. 1. Allah, the great and the merciful. 2. my mother's strength.
it could have been very different, and i could've gone and done some very stupid things. the thoughts still linger in my head, and i push them away everytime.
but you. you just intesify these feelings. i wish that FOR ONCE you'd have some idea of what you do. that FOR ONCE you'd include us in your problems and we could help you solve them. that FOR ONCE you don't spout things without thinking.
and i write this here specifically because i know you read this blog, for what reasons i don't know. because i've come to the conclusion that you don't love me anymore. you don't care.
no you don't. you do things out of obligation. in fact, i don't even recall the day you last loved me. don't you think that is sad? you always complain that i start fights with you and that i'm mean, but now i complain. that i don't know when you last loved me.
you know we are all dependants. in fact, you know very well that we are all dependant on you. but there's one thing you never got right.
that money isn't the issue here. that money is but a material thing, that sometimes we lose, sometime we gain. it can be gained again. money is not a problem for me, and that's why i didn't burst into tears.
the issue at hand would be that you are somehow in the dark about your every little action outside the home affecting us. every little seemingly harmless thing you do or even say, affect us. the home is a buffer zone you know, where everything can be discounted. but in the wide world out there, everything you do affects us.
and you fail to realize this and take responsibility for it.
i think i have vowed somewhere in my heart that i will not be dependant on you after the A levels. i'm going to leave. i'm going to stand on my own two feet, no matter how difficult a task it may be, and i'm NOT going to rely on you.
because you know what. what's the point of having functional relationships and ponder everyday about a love lost. you may not love me anymore, but you fail to realize that though you irritate me alot, i still have love for you.
whatever it is. you are a hindrance to me, as i am to you. and i'm glad we are ending that soon.
but have some heart and take care of the ones who are dependant on you. this is my last year. a tough one at that, with the A's looming. can't you for one year, not have me go to school crying my eyes out? can't you for one year, fail to wake me up in the middle of the night, to hear the ugly sounds that come with darkness? can you for one year, FAIL TO BREAK MY HEART. because thats what you have done all these years. break my heart. just for one year, for my a level year, for my last year as a dependant. is it so difficult to do?
i could easily say i hate you. but i won't cos i know the reverse is true. that i hate myself for making you turn out this way. for making you lose your love for me. i hate myself more than anybody.
marlz
5/04/2006 10:26:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 03, 2006
maybe its time you thought a little harder
i discovered something about myself recently. sometimes, for what reason i don't know, i get this really heavy feeling in my chest. almost as if my heart is sinking. marilyn has termed it the "impending sense of doom". but i don't think it is an impending sense of doom. i don't know why my heart sinks. then i need to sigh it out. i guess thats why someone asked me a long time ago why i sigh so much, without cause.
the funny thing is, now that i KNOW the heavy heartedness is there, i can't sigh it away. it just stays. is it yet ANOTHER symptom of being/having a worrywart? laughing helps, i notice, but not the sighing. not anymore. not even if my sigh is a super deep, loud or high pitched one. nope. does not work.
what is even more curious is that it doesn't only come when i'm tired, or not speaking to anyone. sometimes, mid-sentence, i suddenly feel the heavy feeling coming back. i don't like it, but i don't know how to rid it.
i reckon that it could be because of the fact that i'm feeling anxious. that would hold, if not for the fact that there's absolutely nothing to feel anxious about. i'm dumb.
something i wrote a long time ago on another blog:
today, i took friend's advice. i smiled. i more than smiled. i laughed, i guffawed, i chuckled, i chortled.
friend, i don't need you to smile or say hello or wave when i meet you at the gate on morning duty.yes indeed friend, i don't need you to do anything. (i say friend to prevent embarassment) you've done more than enough. i'm grateful for your sense and your patience when i did the most infuriating things.
when i could find no meaning, you gave me something to live for. when i fell you helped me get up. when i was obstinate, you scolded me and then soothed my savage and raw feelings.
in my darkest times, i turned to you, and you gave me meaning. this will sound so cliche, but you were the only one who managed to make me smile when tears stained my cheeks. you were the only one who could make me see when i had clouded thinking.
i loved every single moment we talked on the phone. it made me laugh, it made me smile. my days brightened at the sound of your voice. at the silliness of our conversations. i found every joke funny. and i still smile now when i think of those times.
even though its not OUR friendship day (yes i STILL remember the day i met you : 26th July) i want you to know i'm thinking of you today, because i've not been able to talk to you recently, or to communicate in any way. i don't want our perfect, good, friendship to die. so
JACOB LEONG here's to you. i still cherish our friendship, and have not forgotten you. no more sad blog posts from you!
marlz
5/03/2006 11:43:00 ap.