I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2006
maybe
maybe i'm very easily pleased. i walked into borders after the soccer match today and fell in love. the endless rows and rows of books. the new book smell (which my mom calls the MONEY smell, but i beg to differ). the soap in the toilet which is to die for. the wooden smell of the wooden shelves. the way the place just seems to go on and on and on and on. if i could, and had the time, i would camp out there everyday, for whole days, just browsing through the books. being there was like taking ecstasy (not that i have taken it now). i felt a thrill go down my spine, i caught my breath, my eyes MUST HAVE gleamed, and i think i squealed in a super girly manner. I LOVE BORDERS.
maybe i have low aspirations. first i wanted to be a farmer's wife, NOW i want to be a helper at an antique book store. with dark cherry wood shelves that smell of varnish and gloss. the nice sweet-ish musty book smell you get with old books. one of those rolling ladders that you can move to reach books that are real up high. a dark corner, a cobweb or two. dim lights, and a bell at the door that rings everytime someone steps in. PERFECT. pay is not an issue to me, i rather enjoy my job than have a high paying job. but that doesn't mean i don't want to go to university and LEARN. isn't that what its all about? expanding the mind.
maybe i'm easily depressed. i felt a sickening pang in my chest today, as we walked past OFS. those were happy times, carefree. being at patterson road brought a whole rush of memories back. those were the days when i had someone to look after me, to take me to places, to love me and for me to return love. now i'm so busy i can barely love myself, how can i expect anyone to care and love? i wish things were as simple.
maybe i'm a paranoid. this i will not explain here. it just adds up to making my heart ache with such intensity that if it wasn't for pure exhaustion, i wouldn't fall asleep at nights.
maybe i'm a failure. enough said.
marlz
4/24/2006 01:57:00 ip.