I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 12, 2006
the bottle marked X
sometimes i wonder what the world has come to
where has all the trust gone? where has all the good gone? the days when you could leave your door unlocked as you slumber, without worry that you will never wake or that you die screaming? or like in silas marner, where robbery was unheard of? what about the days when good deeds were repaid, even if not materially, with a smile and a thank you?
i ask for but little. for my love from my heart, for my integrity, for what i give of myself, just a thank you, a smile, and TRUST that you'd come to me for help again. after what happened, my rosy image of the world has been absolutely shattered.
there is NO SUCH THING as gratitude in this world. truly, at this moment, this is what i feel. why should i give so much of myself to receive not even an echo in return. i'm sick of trying to be good and kind and benevolent and noble. i'm sick of giving my love to the world, and not even receiving a smile and thanks. is even that too much to as for?
the world is unfair, as the vp drunkard told me. so anyone might tell me the same. fine. i will stop loving. stop giving myself, stop being benevolent, stop being noble, stop being kind in the best way i can. i will stop trusting, i will stop being open. i shall live a mechanical life, because the world does not deserve an ounce of my love or trust, or good will. i try to do things out of the goodness out of my own heart, without being asked to. sometimes i fail to be good, yes. AT LEAST I TRY.
you can't beat them, so you join them. yes i will join them. the masses of selfish, money hungry, unloving people who brush pass you in busy streets. who stare at you in buses. who give you looks of distaste as you stand in the corner, thinking of the next nice thing you'd like to do to make someone smile. to make someone happy. i will join them. i will only make my family and myself happy. i will only love my family.
a big reaction to something, no? because THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME. my faith was gone before, and i fought to believe again. i don't think its the only time. no wonder the world is full of jaded, cynical, critical individuals. there is no sincerity. there is only hate. if faith lost once, manages to come back bruised, can it come back again, if totally shattered? NO. it will not. it cannot. i've been too trusting and naive. i rather live a hermit like existance then have the brain and heart of a 2 year old in mom's company.
the daily dose of love has just changed to the daily dose of angst. while i may smile, be assured, i'm laughing at you and everyone else inside. because i know what you are like know. i know what the world is like now. noone can fool me.
marlz
ps. to the person who made that particularly caustic remark in the canteen. thank you. because i know now what kind of person you are. i tried to help you in times of need, and when i say but a little about what happens to me, you dismiss it and ask me if it is important? i tell you now. THANK YOU. because you'll one of the FORMER recipients of my love, care and attention. i don't trust you anymore. i don't like you anymore. i realize you're one of those hated ranks that i will join but not trust. thank you for opening my eyes. thank you for showing me how foolish i was to help you. thank you. thank you so much.
4/12/2006 01:34:00 ip.