marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 30, 2006
ugh
i'm disappointed in myself.
yesterday's sectionals was ATROCIOUS. i didn't play well at all.
i felt i had fingers of lead, a clumsy tongue, and nothing i played sounded musical in any sense. sounded like a bunch of notes that i decided to play randomly.
this isn't the first time you know. vincent's told me repeatedly NOT to push the tempo when he's conducting. that means i've been rushing our section alot loads of times without even knowing it. whatever happened to my tight rhythm? its lost. lost somewhere in that air conditioned room.
and then there's those annoying running passages which i USED to play without breaking a sweat. now i see the little black things printed on my scores and i start goggling at the paper, wondering how in a million years i would be able to play those passages. not that a bass clarinettist has many running passages to play now, but when i do i totally suck at them. take the phantom of the opera for instance. its been what, 3-4 months now, and i STILL can't play the running passage towards the end. at least for that stupid running passage in carmen suite, you know, that one where i play the melody with the flutes. i figure out how to alternate between the different keys, and my pinkies on both hands nearly died. because there are so many alternate fingerings to use. at least i've mastered that one. but that simple one in phantom is bothersome. that (E-C sharp-A sharp-C sharp)x4. i don't think i'll be able to play it before the concert.
its not as if i didn't play the simple parts on saturday badly either. i bungled up the flag parade part of the john williams 4 symphonic themes. i wonder why i even bothered to continue with band in jc, since i'm that lousy.
even warm ups were a torture. i played ALL the scales wrongly, when on a usual practice i only mess up if we play 2 octaves, cos i can't reach the higher notes. don't even talk about the higher register. shows how poor my breath support is. all i do is squeak and fight against my instrument when it comes to the higher register. the very thing mr chew taught me NOT to do. i was breathless during the standard warm ups and during the tonguing exercise, AND the intervals that vincent made us play were so terrible that i just gave up towards the end.
combined wasn't as bad. maybe because i let fabian and the bassoons cover me instead of trying my best. bleh.
see the thing is, concert is coming up. i'm a teeny bit apprehensive. i don't really want band to end. after all, its been a major part of my life since 2001. first picking up the the clarinet. my first squeak! my first running passage. my first fun combined practice at musical moments. first sharing the clarinet with maya, having foot drills. my first performance during the national day parade at school. i've cried with, laughed with, been angry with, loved a band. we were small and humble then, with hardly enough instruments and without a proper band room, away in the farthest room on the highest floor. now i'm part of mjcsb, with a proper, accessible room, with good instruments, and i somehow feel though the situation and people are different, feeling haven't changed. i still laugh with, cry with, and love the band.
i wonder if i will feel lost without band every week. even though i moan and groan about the ulcer-inducing practices that leave me with stomach cramps, i don't know if i can do without them.
things come and go, but i didn't realise time was so fleeting as the poets like to say. not till now.
i shall put it like this then. love for something, someone an experience or whatever. one only realizes love for it, when your love is gone or about to go. only then does love overwhelm and overcome you. only then do you realize that you've taken for granted what you had. only then do you realize that you loved.
marlz
4/30/2006 01:59:00 ip.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 27, 2006
please be ok
a second post before i turn in for todayi saw lisa (mjcsb clarinettist) being carried off during the soccer match today at tpjc. thought she fainted due to heat or something like that. but i just found out that she's been hospitalized.
to one of the nicest members of the clarinet section, i hope you're ok. i'll pray you're ok. please please please be ok. i want her to be ok and see her at the next practice.
get well soon lisa.
4/27/2006 01:59:00 ip.
towels
i feel really blessed to have softener. yep. softener. its makes my towels smell and feel really nice after a long, arduous day at school.
i love cold showers, cos i feel truly clean when i take one. having the sweet smelling shampoo lather wash off onto the tiling, and the soap bubbles in the sink. i feel as if the weight of the world is washed off the shoulders, and i don't feel as hot and bothery as i do in school.
i think i have a charmed bed, which makes all the tense muscles and weariness melt away the moment i lay myself upon it. it makes all the difference, especially in the night.
i enjoy having my fridge permanently stocked with ice. its my saviour on hot days, on days when i'm having headaches, or have the craving for something cold sliding down my throat.
i like having a never-ending supply of national geographic magazines, with pretty pictures, lovely articles, and a truckload of interesting facts to digest. its like having the world in your hands, and it is a great reminder of not only how big God made out Earth, but how beautiful.
i'm truly blessed, because i know that millions out there don't have what i have. i have soft fragrant towels, nice cold showers, sweet smelling shampoo and soap that makes you squeaky clean. an charmed bed, lovely cool ice when i want it, and a whole shelf-full of national geographic for my perusal. i need nothing more than those pleasures in my life to feel at home, to feel rested, to feel good.
home is definitely sweet.
marlz
4/27/2006 01:24:00 ip.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2006
maybe
maybe i'm very easily pleased. i walked into borders after the soccer match today and fell in love. the endless rows and rows of books. the new book smell (which my mom calls the MONEY smell, but i beg to differ). the soap in the toilet which is to die for. the wooden smell of the wooden shelves. the way the place just seems to go on and on and on and on. if i could, and had the time, i would camp out there everyday, for whole days, just browsing through the books. being there was like taking ecstasy (not that i have taken it now). i felt a thrill go down my spine, i caught my breath, my eyes MUST HAVE gleamed, and i think i squealed in a super girly manner. I LOVE BORDERS.
maybe i have low aspirations. first i wanted to be a farmer's wife, NOW i want to be a helper at an antique book store. with dark cherry wood shelves that smell of varnish and gloss. the nice sweet-ish musty book smell you get with old books. one of those rolling ladders that you can move to reach books that are real up high. a dark corner, a cobweb or two. dim lights, and a bell at the door that rings everytime someone steps in. PERFECT. pay is not an issue to me, i rather enjoy my job than have a high paying job. but that doesn't mean i don't want to go to university and LEARN. isn't that what its all about? expanding the mind.
maybe i'm easily depressed. i felt a sickening pang in my chest today, as we walked past OFS. those were happy times, carefree. being at patterson road brought a whole rush of memories back. those were the days when i had someone to look after me, to take me to places, to love me and for me to return love. now i'm so busy i can barely love myself, how can i expect anyone to care and love? i wish things were as simple.
maybe i'm a paranoid. this i will not explain here. it just adds up to making my heart ache with such intensity that if it wasn't for pure exhaustion, i wouldn't fall asleep at nights.
maybe i'm a failure. enough said.
marlz
4/24/2006 01:57:00 ip.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 23, 2006
band
sat was a very nice day! a whole lot of new experiences at that.
anyways, we had sectionals in the morning, and yirong and pang yu joined us. went through jericho, and i decided to record the "celebration" part of it (without vincent's knowledge). wanted to threated him by saying that he is terribly mean to us in sectionals and that i recorded it as proof! didn't succeed. that's because A. vincent was not mean during that sectionals and B. vincent is never mean during sectionals.
after that i was searching for someone who was going to the syf central judging for marching and display band at national stadium. finally found out baya was going, so i thought i would go with her. was a teeny bit indecisive as to whether i should have gone or not. BUT i don't regret going at all.
initially i thought we were going with cliff and co, cos that's what baya said. but turned out there was a change in plans along the way, cos it was only cliff and not co. who was aware that we were tagging along. so they decided to meet their tkss friends, and me and baya had each other.
took the mrt to kallang, and then a bus to the area where there was the kfc and mcdonalds drive-in. i had so little cash on me, so i was worrying about lunch cos i didn't was to borrow from baya. luckily i had around three dollars in coins. baya was quite funny cos she wanted to upsize the drink, when the place actually had free refills. haha.
the place was absolutely packed with tkss students who were going to support their band. baya was rooting for them as well, so i did as well. i'm quite new to this you know, my only acquaintance from a marching band prior to mj is marcus from states. he told me alot about marching bands in our correspondance, but since that has ceased i wonder if he even remembers me now. the next few marching band members i knew came from mjcsb. wenqi and charity and lisa and shahneeza. other than that i knew nothing.
so anyways, we walked from kc to the stadium, and i really needed to go to the toilet. so we went in to one of the toilets that really sucked, and i didn't use it cos the toilet was fallign apart. then being irritating as i am, i decided to go to a different toilet. then something out of twilight zone happened.
we found a "good" toilet (well, comparatively good, since none of the toilets there can be called good in the first place), but it had no paper. so there was this door to what i think was a store room, and baya tried to open it to see whether there was paper. it was locked. so we went back down to the other toilet to get paper. then we walked back. just as i entered the toilet...
baya : this isn't the toilet we were in just now.
me : it is whaat, look at the walls (looks blur)
baya : no its not! the toilet we were in just now had a door.
me : oh ya! (looks at the wall and starts) then where are we?
baya : omg, thats so freaky.
we practically ran out of the toilet lar! so we saw another toilet
baya : THIS is the toilet we were in just now.
me : NOOOO, there's no door. look.
both : aaaaah. omg omg omg this is so freaky.
this time we ran out of the toilet. i grabbed baya's hand, and told her i'm scared. so we wondering where we were, and i ALMOST thought about foregoing the whole toilet thing and darting out of the stadium totally. i even had goosebumps. i thought we were in this twilight zone thing where the toilet with the door disappeared. talk about TERROR. finally we came to the toilet with the door. here's the thing, it was SO DARN FAR AWAY from the toilet where we went to originally, and we didn't even recall walking that far. in fact, it seemed exactly the same as the first time we walked to the toilet with the door. FREAKY.
quickly went about with my business and then we went and scouted for seats. we watched the marching band assessment, and hwa chong was REALLY impressive. they played the "celebration" from jericho and a bit from merry widow during formations. haha.
after (a very long while after) came the display band competitions. TKSS was super impressive can. i gasped everytime the drum major threw the mace into the air. it was sooo nice. i also liked the cowboy band, and bowen, with its female drum major. thought the colour guards were super distracting though. but they add up to the whole thing. some bands were so big, they looked like an army!
as predicted, TKSS, Deyi and Bowen got into the finals. now i have to rush off cos my pesky brother is DEMANDING to use the com for no good reason. i hate being rushed.
btw, a great thank you to baya for making my day so nice! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox. what would i do without you!
marlz
4/23/2006 11:36:00 ap.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 20, 2006
politics
i don't understand why people don't like intellectual discussion. i don't understand why people think it is abrasive, and that it spoils relationships.
i happen to like them, thats why i like writing my gp essays. i cannot say that i've actually disliked any one time when i was given the task of writing one. on top of that i relish writing lit essays. i'm given free reign to write as i wish. and i appreciate that i have a voice in essays.
today in the library vanessa said that gp is coming up with clever things to say. i feel thats true to a certain extent but i don't think thats all there is to it. sure, you hvae to come up with "clever" things to say. but if that were totally the case then wouldn't "smart" or "clever" people do well in it. i don't think its fair to say so. loads of people who aren't "clever" have the capability to and in fact, really do perform well for gp, and lit as well.
to me its more of convincing the reader that your view is not radical, and that is valid in every way. its a process of discussing the various aspects of a topic, stating your views, examining and critically analysing other views, and then giving the reason why your opinion is valid and most accurate to you. it isn't just coming up with clever things to say. that implies that it isn't your personal view. shouldn't it be your personal view, your own feelings, and viewing things from other perspectives that ought to happen? saying that it is merely a "clever" way of putting things is to me, a huge understatement. (no offence vanessa, just that the comment got me thinking. i do understand your feelings towards gp =D )
well, its not just that. its also that recent report about the dialogue session with mm lee, and its participants being rude. i despise that word, rude. they were aggressive, definitely, but certainly not rude. looking at the situation, i felt that they had to express their views with passion and conviction, so why shouldn't they? it was a no holds barred DIALOGUE. an intellectual discussion. just because they were curious, and were for alternatives should they be considered rude? i don't think so.
besides, the idea of someone being "rude" is very subjective. what i might consider ok might be rude to someone else. maybe its just a bad case of different perspectives, that caused things to get ugly, and for people to point fingers and accuse. come off it already, what they were discussing was JUST THOUGHTS. thoughts don't hurt anyone, should they be expressed. and i think they should. why keep thoughts locked up in your head. and if they expressed with passion and conviction, so be it. what i would consider rude is a personal attack on mm lee himself, and accusing him of being a bad leader. i'm sure, as much as they are in favour of alternatives ways to doing things, the participants are VERY MUCH AWARE that Singapore stands as it is today because of mm lee and his joint leadership with the other ministers in the past. he did good by Singapore, and there's no denying that. what was being discussed is the future. what affects them.
i sound very pro debate and discussion. why shouldn't i? who wouldn't want to have a voice for their thoughts? it is partly the reason why i blog. if i kept all the thoughts and feelings to myself, my head and heart would probably burst, and i would be a very miserable girl. its to keep me preoccupied, and relief my mind of stress every once in a while. better doing drugs of smoking if you ask me. what is a bit of blogging as compared to that?
on a ligher note, mr low said that our group's thought fox essay is stylistically good! and that if we continued writing the essay in that way, it'd be a B grade essay. isn't that nice? made my day, and thats good since its the first lesson!
oh well. my head is now empty and i feel sleepy. goodnight everyone.
marlz
4/20/2006 02:04:00 ip.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 18, 2006
erudite cell
my head is bursting at the seams with things i wish to blog about.
i still believe the world is a bad place, filled with bad people, selfish, greedy, corrupted, money and power hungry people who have totally no consideration for anyone else but themselves.
blessed i am to have met the minority. to be intermingled with them. particularly, marilyn and aneesha. i shall be good for their sake. its not in my nature to be bad intentionally anyway. i totally flopped on the first day that i said that, even though i tried super hard. i only ended up being very sulky and aloof. as if that would affect anyone.
so i've decided to be good with people i trust. and wary with those i don't, but not outrightly bad. i can't even lie with a straight face, so even if i try to be like that, then i'll fail. i'd rather fail at being good than fail at being bad. but those annoying, irksome, selfish, self conceited people will not get anything out of that. i share and love with people that deserve it, not those who don't. my last words still hold true. i may smile at you, but deep down i'm laughing at how hypocritical and cocksure you are. don't think i haven't seen it. i have, and i am wary. so be sure not to trifle with me.
just to make sure you can't get back at me. i'm NOT placing myself on moral highground. i'm human, i err too. i sometimes feel that i'm being super selfish and that i need to give more. i'm aware that sometimes i've thought of myself before others. sometimes i've been too harsh. BUT i don't mean it. i don't mean harm, and i do try to be as good and as selfless as possible. and though i might not achieve this all the time, i try my hardest to do this. you can bet on that. i try to give without thinking of getting anything in return but a smile, because it makes my day. i try to help and aid where possible, without the need for anyone to ask for it. i try my best to do service where possible, without thinking that my time is being wasted. i try to put up with nasty people. and i'll still try. you can count on that (except for the last one. there's no point putting up with them when they hurt you so, might as well just ignore them altogether) so don't you nasty people out there say that i'm being hoity toity here. i'm NOT. i just detest it when people are selfish, and not considerate towards others.
during geog we watched this video, and i saw how beautiful the world is (EXCLUDING the humans). God made the world such a pretty place, its such a pity that its being destroyed so quickly. its harsh and beautiful at the same time. like the bitter cold in Rovaniemi in winter, and then its pink and gold skies in winter, and its green
revontulet/ The ice-encrusted trees, branches drooping under its load. the frozen lakes that make a weird gulping sound that travels far, mysterious in its orgin. its painfully beautiful.
then there are the perfect looking sand dunes, dynamic, at the mercy of the whimsical forces of the wind. baking golden in the sunlight, blue and cold in the night. a great vastness, beautiful yet perilous. the place where quick sand, sand storms or the very climate could kill a human. the lovely volcanic islands and formations. the grand canyon. the himalayas. the atlantic ocean. the tundras in Siberia. God is great to have made such a perfect looking world. its sad that nothing of the like can be seen in Singapore. concrete and dull. i thnk i've found the reason for my dislike for human geography, and why i keep flunking it. i don't find it at all interesting, as compared to physical geography, which is so learnable. there is no limit to what one can learn in physical geog. there's always something more to discover. its exciting.
i also know why i don't quite like economics either. probably because i feel its such a technical subject. the only thing econs is concerned with is money. gaining it, making it, prices, whether a company is doing badly or well. annoying. its all about greed, and without consideration of the people at stake. everything has to make economic sense. its too narrow a view for me. i don't like it. i like either things that i can SEE physically or that is open to discovery and imagination of the individual. thus my preference for geog and lit. doesn't make much of a diff in the end. i still have to study for econs, and make it through the As.
darn it i'm sleepy. i must sleep. MUST or else tomorrow i'll fall asleep in lectures. hrmph.
good night then
marlz
4/18/2006 01:42:00 ip.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 14, 2006
bitter
an answer to those telling me to believe:
i refuse to believe anymore. there are no such thing as fairytales, and the black sheep ARE NOT a minority. many people are bad, many people are unkind, in fact, i will say that most of the world is selfish. that is what i believe. i think bitterness becomes me, becuase belief in good has brought me nowhere and nothing but pain. so why, why should i believe. there is no good reason to do that now. none at all.
4/14/2006 11:14:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 12, 2006
the bottle marked X
sometimes i wonder what the world has come to
where has all the trust gone? where has all the good gone? the days when you could leave your door unlocked as you slumber, without worry that you will never wake or that you die screaming? or like in silas marner, where robbery was unheard of? what about the days when good deeds were repaid, even if not materially, with a smile and a thank you?
i ask for but little. for my love from my heart, for my integrity, for what i give of myself, just a thank you, a smile, and TRUST that you'd come to me for help again. after what happened, my rosy image of the world has been absolutely shattered.
there is NO SUCH THING as gratitude in this world. truly, at this moment, this is what i feel. why should i give so much of myself to receive not even an echo in return. i'm sick of trying to be good and kind and benevolent and noble. i'm sick of giving my love to the world, and not even receiving a smile and thanks. is even that too much to as for?
the world is unfair, as the vp drunkard told me. so anyone might tell me the same. fine. i will stop loving. stop giving myself, stop being benevolent, stop being noble, stop being kind in the best way i can. i will stop trusting, i will stop being open. i shall live a mechanical life, because the world does not deserve an ounce of my love or trust, or good will. i try to do things out of the goodness out of my own heart, without being asked to. sometimes i fail to be good, yes. AT LEAST I TRY.
you can't beat them, so you join them. yes i will join them. the masses of selfish, money hungry, unloving people who brush pass you in busy streets. who stare at you in buses. who give you looks of distaste as you stand in the corner, thinking of the next nice thing you'd like to do to make someone smile. to make someone happy. i will join them. i will only make my family and myself happy. i will only love my family.
a big reaction to something, no? because THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME. my faith was gone before, and i fought to believe again. i don't think its the only time. no wonder the world is full of jaded, cynical, critical individuals. there is no sincerity. there is only hate. if faith lost once, manages to come back bruised, can it come back again, if totally shattered? NO. it will not. it cannot. i've been too trusting and naive. i rather live a hermit like existance then have the brain and heart of a 2 year old in mom's company.
the daily dose of love has just changed to the daily dose of angst. while i may smile, be assured, i'm laughing at you and everyone else inside. because i know what you are like know. i know what the world is like now. noone can fool me.
marlz
ps. to the person who made that particularly caustic remark in the canteen. thank you. because i know now what kind of person you are. i tried to help you in times of need, and when i say but a little about what happens to me, you dismiss it and ask me if it is important? i tell you now. THANK YOU. because you'll one of the FORMER recipients of my love, care and attention. i don't trust you anymore. i don't like you anymore. i realize you're one of those hated ranks that i will join but not trust. thank you for opening my eyes. thank you for showing me how foolish i was to help you. thank you. thank you so much.
4/12/2006 01:34:00 ip.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 06, 2006
oh haha
once in a while i decide to be funny and criticize people. this morning was that time.
council candidate at rally : my dream is to get into students' council.
me : her dream is to get into students' council? i think she should start thinking more long term.
bleah. and it wasn't even funny.
marlz
4/06/2006 11:31:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 05, 2006
still annoyed
this is an attempt to salvage whatever scraps of thought may be lingering about in my head because of some inconsiderate people that i live with.
i've read king lear over again and realised i've not annotated as much as i should have, and not picked up on little threads that are there that could prove useful in better understanding the play. i've clearly not analysed enough. pardon the usage of this word but the passages are overflowing with ideas that should have and are begging to be looked at. but, heh, i played last year away, so lear was not done well.
still love lear despite that, AND that is a good thing cos i won't have to drag myself through the text like i did for MOU. interesting bits are only in the middle for that book. and now that i think about it the whole thing is quite ridiculous and mildly cartoon-like. haha. have to read it to understand what i mean.
AND i'm proud to say that i've started on revision for rocks and landforms, and coastal. all this inspired by baya, who takes geog. we were talking abt geog (as i do with most j1s who take geog) and she was saying that they were learning about some force pull down and then never move (she phrased it in that way somewhat). i was quite annoyed with myself because i saw the diagram in my head but could remember the term, UNTIL a few moments (a migrane, some sweat and drops of blood) later, when i realize that it was shear strength and shear stress. the agony. realized its time to revise.
the only subject i've not started revision on is ECONS. but i will, shortly (i hope).
today was otherwise quite a bad day. tired today, thinking about tomorrow. and the days to come. and also thinking about other things. i just got angrier and angrier, and soon people started to ask me why i looked sad. shrugged it off and said i wanted to go home. i realize i get increasingly silent when i'm frustrated or sad. and i find i need my space to think. its the bad part about being me.
hrmph. i'm annoyed now over something that i feel super guilty over.
whatever. i just have no life at all now.
marlz
4/05/2006 01:55:00 ip.
annoyed
i absolutely HATE IT when people insist on using the computer when i'm on it. for no particular GOOD reason. especially when they INTERRUPT MY WORK. and MY THOUGHT PROCESS. and then they FREAKING USE THE TRUMP CARD ON ME WHEN THEY KNOW I'M POWERLESS.
ITS DOUBLE STANDARDS. I'M ANNOYED.
I HATE IT WHEN YOU CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS WHERE MY WORK AND RESEARCH IS ON WHEN YOU WANT TO GO CHECK OUT YOUR FORUM. (for what reason i don't even know. heck, i don't even know why such a forum exists. because CLEARLY you don't use it to discuss what you SUPPOSED to discuss. instead you GO AROUND DISSING OTHER PEOPLE on it)
and if you're saying this is awfully juvenile THEN GO AHEAD.
cos you know what. i deserve to be juvenile. i'm WORN OUT having to put up with childishness on your part. WHY CAN'T I BE CHILDISH AND INCONSIDERATE FOR A CHANGE.
if I were to interupt your work, you'd YELL THE ENTIRE HOUSE DOWN. and you accuse me of being inflexible and impatient?
DOUBLE STANDARDS
if I were to ask to use the computer for awhile while you're tinkering about on it (fixing as you liked you call it) you'd PUT ON IRRITATED AIRS AND SHOUT AT ME NOT TO CLOSE YOUR WINDOWS. and yet everytime i let you (EVERYTIME, mind you) use the computer while i'm doing my work you go and close every single window that i have opened.
DOUBLE STANDARDS
if i were to stand behind you waiting for you to finish your work so i can get some time to do some LEARNING you'd ACCUSE ME OF BEING IMPATIENT and speak to me as if you wish i wasn't there. and yet when i am using the computer you need to use it NOW and not wait until i finish.
THATS DOUBLE STANDARDS. AGAIN.
and you can't attack me, don't you DARE ATTACK ME because of this post. this is MY SPACE and I WILL VENT AS I WISH. this blog and this persona here DOESN'T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU MAY THINK OF THIS POST. so there
finally after a day of intense FRUSTRATION, AGITATION and CRANKINESS. i feel release. now i'd like to post about what i was thinking about in the first place.
IF ONLY YOU HADN'T INTERUPTED MY TRAIN OF THOUGH.
irritating. its amazing how some people can never learn some consideration.
4/05/2006 01:38:00 ip.