I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 26, 2006
depressed
the thought of going to school tomorrow gives me the most sick feeling in my stomach. i don't know what to do, cos i'm losing my will at the beginning already. i wish i needn't go. i wish i wasn't obligated to go.
i think that the feeling arises from the new timetable. i thought the old one was bad enough. i'm quite upset, seeing my band mates talking abt their day ending at 2.35 or even 12.05 on fridays. and then i look at my timetable and see that i end my day almost everyday at 5. the only day i don't go home late happens to be wednesday, and even then the likelihood of me reaching home before 3 is nonexistant because of band.
the initial joy over the 1st amended timetable that we got a glimpse of on thursday has gotten me even more depressed over the second timetable. i don't see why other classes get to end earlier, when classes like ours and A301 have to endure classes all the way till 5. personally when i hit 3 o clock my brain starts to be frazzled. i can't pay attention for nuts, my mind starts wandering, and very often, i get headaches because of the afternoon heat that we have to face because we're put into ovens instead of classrooms for learning.
it doesn't help that we have loads of free periods either. you know, if we just got rid of all the free periods, things would be a heck of a lot freer. i might actually enjoy going to school. i've lost my interest in going because every morning i already feel tired thinking about the day ahead of me. having to drag myself from class to class, knowing that i won't be free to go home until 5 pm, and sometimes, its even later, because of the fact that i have band prac on certain days. i wish that sometimes, the timetabling committee would have some consideration for us, the minority. i feel my resolution crumbling because i know that the free periods, even if i utilized them fully, would not compare to solid mugging in my own free time. now where am i going to find free time with school days that never end early, and have time to mug?
for once, i'd like people to accomodate to us, instead of vice versa. i'm sick of having to do the accomodating for the pathetic reason that we are the minority.
neither do i like the fact that i'm not learning. i don't call memorizing learning at any rate. jc has opened my eyes to the fact that there is loads out there to learn. BUT at the same time, i feel restricted because somethings aren't just as important to learn as other. i understand that we have to sit for examinations here as well as the more IMPORTANT need to have a good grasp on what you learn (i really think this is more important than the former), but at the same time, can't learning be made more interesting? its just assignment after assignment without any real passion in the learning. really i wish those cliched posters they put up practically every where would come true. especially about the journey meaning more than the destination. it seems as if, the destination holds precedence over everything else when it comes to the a levels in singapore. nobody actually cares how you do it, as long as you do it in the end.
i don't wonder why the govt needs to always emphasize life long learning. who wants to "learn" for the entire length of their life, if passionless memorizing and regurgitating is what "learning" entails? i certainly wouldn't. countless model essays that we have to emulate, and endless writing of essays that might not even get marked in the first place. its for your own good, they tell you. what good? the piece of paper? what good is a piece of paper if i burn it up, or lose it. oh the horror if you lose your paper! sure there is a significance to the paper, and whats written on it, but what if you lose the actual physical representation? what then? isn't all your work going to be for nothing?
what i want you ask? i want merely to enjoy what i learn. to be bright eyed and to actually be curious about what i might learn next. there's loads to learn out there, if only you gave me the chance to learn it. not just memorize it. oh what a joy learning can be, and what a pain it becomes when it mutates into nothing but mindless (yes, i really do mean this) memory work? any idiot can do that.
i'm starting to hate school. someone save me please.
3/26/2006 03:16:00 ip.