marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 30, 2006
addiction
never been good at any type of poetry, but i will attempt yet again. as passionate fools are bound to. i tried really hard to keep my true meaning obscured:
how can i express
the fatal addiction to the dark man in the corner
his eyes twinkling, bewitching
his soft voice cooing
like rhythm of breath
calm in the hush of night
how can i tell of dusk
wild silences teeming with veiled voices
and the dark man cooes at me
light in his eternal gaze
pools of dark fire
fixed on my heart in the hush of night
how can i talk of ribbons
misty pieces of words and sounds
ripples of anguish
sickening stabs that set the heart aquiver
and the little dark man sings his lullaby
tender hymns of madness
wistful, stirring in the hush of night
how can i speak of silver curls
soft, flaxen as woven dreams
its tangles with creamy voices
and the little dark man chokes me
hot crystals on the cheek
invisible just like the hush of night
how can i speak of the tranquil death
of the essence bursting
fluidly passing from light
and the little dark man laughs
melodious, mellow notes
but a soft tinkle in the hush of the night
heh. i doubt that anyone would know what i'm trying to write about, besides nat and my cousin, whom i actually told what it meant. i suppose no one else would guess.
marlz
3/30/2006 01:13:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 29, 2006
lack of ideas yet again
my agitation over the timetable have simmered down, mainly for reasons that i'm not at liberty to mention here. but i can say i'm much much happier over what has happened and very much relieved. i breathe easy now =)
so far the teachers have been taking ages to mark our essays. i've gotten back our GP paper already, and i got a B yet again. i seem to be forever stuck in the B grade for GP. i really want to pull myself out of that B rut. the worst thing about being average is being average. the students with bad grades get remedial, so they learn how to improve. the students with A's already know how to get an A, so they don't really have to care abt much besides about how to maintain the grade. the people with average grades like ME do neither. we don't improve and we don't know, and thus we are trapped in average category without any hope of escape. how annoying.
i've gotten my lit paper 4 back as well. did not perform as well as i hoped i would, but i did perform better than i expected i would. i hoped for an A, expected a C, and was awarded a B! better than C but not exactly the dream grade. i left my essay hanging which was a shame, since it was getting interesting and good at that point (see what i mean about time management). and i could've gotten my A if i had a little more time to write. i need to train harder when it comes to the timing of essay writing. hrmph.
i realize that i pay alot of attention to my dreams. maybe its because i have dreams that are always not that common. some are recurring, some aren't. some just leave me puzzled and other disgusted. i happened to read on up lucid dreaming, which might or might not be possible. but if it is, i'd like to give it a try.
i'm feeling quite weird now, though i don't know for what reason. that day in geography lecture i was writing my name down on the paper when i felt blood rush to my face, and i commented to marilyn that i felt strange. or more precisely i said my face feels hot. then she exclaimed and said that my face was reddish. to my horror, i was blushing! and i don't even know why? who blushes when she writes HER OWN NAME. and i really really really wasn't thinking about anything at that point in time besides geography or writing my name. even if i did think of something that induces blushing, i don't remember what it is, so it can't be significant in any case
sometimes in class and i feel my heart palpitating for no good reason. and i'm perfectly calm and composed on the outside, with no physical exertion. something's happening. i reckon i've fallen in love with something/someone and don't even know it. haha
my dad is pestering me to use the com, so i shall let him. AI is on anyways.
marlz
3/29/2006 11:46:00 ap.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 26, 2006
depressed
the thought of going to school tomorrow gives me the most sick feeling in my stomach. i don't know what to do, cos i'm losing my will at the beginning already. i wish i needn't go. i wish i wasn't obligated to go.
i think that the feeling arises from the new timetable. i thought the old one was bad enough. i'm quite upset, seeing my band mates talking abt their day ending at 2.35 or even 12.05 on fridays. and then i look at my timetable and see that i end my day almost everyday at 5. the only day i don't go home late happens to be wednesday, and even then the likelihood of me reaching home before 3 is nonexistant because of band.
the initial joy over the 1st amended timetable that we got a glimpse of on thursday has gotten me even more depressed over the second timetable. i don't see why other classes get to end earlier, when classes like ours and A301 have to endure classes all the way till 5. personally when i hit 3 o clock my brain starts to be frazzled. i can't pay attention for nuts, my mind starts wandering, and very often, i get headaches because of the afternoon heat that we have to face because we're put into ovens instead of classrooms for learning.
it doesn't help that we have loads of free periods either. you know, if we just got rid of all the free periods, things would be a heck of a lot freer. i might actually enjoy going to school. i've lost my interest in going because every morning i already feel tired thinking about the day ahead of me. having to drag myself from class to class, knowing that i won't be free to go home until 5 pm, and sometimes, its even later, because of the fact that i have band prac on certain days. i wish that sometimes, the timetabling committee would have some consideration for us, the minority. i feel my resolution crumbling because i know that the free periods, even if i utilized them fully, would not compare to solid mugging in my own free time. now where am i going to find free time with school days that never end early, and have time to mug?
for once, i'd like people to accomodate to us, instead of vice versa. i'm sick of having to do the accomodating for the pathetic reason that we are the minority.
neither do i like the fact that i'm not learning. i don't call memorizing learning at any rate. jc has opened my eyes to the fact that there is loads out there to learn. BUT at the same time, i feel restricted because somethings aren't just as important to learn as other. i understand that we have to sit for examinations here as well as the more IMPORTANT need to have a good grasp on what you learn (i really think this is more important than the former), but at the same time, can't learning be made more interesting? its just assignment after assignment without any real passion in the learning. really i wish those cliched posters they put up practically every where would come true. especially about the journey meaning more than the destination. it seems as if, the destination holds precedence over everything else when it comes to the a levels in singapore. nobody actually cares how you do it, as long as you do it in the end.
i don't wonder why the govt needs to always emphasize life long learning. who wants to "learn" for the entire length of their life, if passionless memorizing and regurgitating is what "learning" entails? i certainly wouldn't. countless model essays that we have to emulate, and endless writing of essays that might not even get marked in the first place. its for your own good, they tell you. what good? the piece of paper? what good is a piece of paper if i burn it up, or lose it. oh the horror if you lose your paper! sure there is a significance to the paper, and whats written on it, but what if you lose the actual physical representation? what then? isn't all your work going to be for nothing?
what i want you ask? i want merely to enjoy what i learn. to be bright eyed and to actually be curious about what i might learn next. there's loads to learn out there, if only you gave me the chance to learn it. not just memorize it. oh what a joy learning can be, and what a pain it becomes when it mutates into nothing but mindless (yes, i really do mean this) memory work? any idiot can do that.
i'm starting to hate school. someone save me please.
3/26/2006 03:16:00 ip.
blocktests suck
now that block tests are finally over i blog with peace of mind.
the possibility of my parents visiting the school YET AGAIN because of dismal results is,i predict, going to be a reality. i'm totally annoyed with myself. absolutely.
discounting econs, i really did study for my other papers, esp geog and lit paper 1. but it seems as if my efforts were all for naught. i'm very disappointed with the urban geog section of the geog paper. i didn't finish my drqs, and then the essay was absolute nonsense. i can't help but feel that i've not only let myself down but ms sim, mrs tay and mr chen as well (cos they taught us urban geog, the latter doing most of the teaching). i just don't get why i don't get human geog as well. maybe its because of my lack of passion for econs, which is closely tied to human geog (highly unlikely). i don't see why the very part of geog that most people find easy to tackle becomes such an obstacle for me. even my hydro part, which i don't fully comprehend even now, had more substance than the urban part. maybe its because i'm just STUPID.
lit paper 1 was just as atrocious. if there is any way to learn how to manage one's time in examinations, i'll sign right up. i wasted most of my time contemplating which question to do. i sorely wanted to attempt the essay question, BUT me being a coward, i attempted the context question instead. finding ideas as to how to write the essay could be likened to me trying to squeeze liquid out of a rock. i didn't even manage to finish. in the end, i left my essay hanging very badly with no conclusion, or one of those things which mrs logan likes to call a wrapping up statement. nothing of the sort. i wonder if ms k might ask me if i really did write the essay that we did for homework the other time. all i know is that there WILL BE a drastic dip in the grades from that assignment.
econs is a dead case. the only saving grace abt the paper was the mkt structure essay. which i didn't finish either.
papers 8 and 4 for lit were so-so. i seemed to be in a stupor when i read through both the qn papers. again, for paper 8 i wasted time trying to decide on which qn to do. and i did prose, which is totally against my instincts. its bad. i NEVER go against my instincts. the prose, i guess, seemed easier, but i've never been accustomned to writing the critical analysis on prose. drama is always what i find easiest to do. paper 4 had no essay question. i thought i would die when i saw there was NO OPTION as to which qn to do, as there was only 1 question. the worst part is, I'VE READ THAT TEXT BEFORE. i borrowed a full compilition of Edgar Allen Poe's works (both prose and poetry) from the library in Lappeenranta when i was biding my time in Finland last year. i should have had an advantage over others because it was supposed to be unseen. on hindsight, i feel like i totally and absolutely screwed that paper up. totally no up to standard, and i feel VERY disgusted at myself.
sometimes, i just don't get why i'm so stupid and others are smart. why is it that i'm such a failure, even when i try my best?
marlz
3/26/2006 06:52:00 ap.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2006
day 2 of block test
second day into block tests. so far has proved to be what i expected, with a few mistakes in prediction here and there.
i can't decide on how i did for geog. i knew that for the drqs i was still going strong, until i started on the urban geog drq. after that things got worse and worse. i did the erosion qn, which i think only bev did. luckily i could still remember that it was corrasion, attrition, solution and hydraulic action. whether or not i got the definitions right or all the the explanations out right, i don't know. part b was ok though. at least i had SOMETHING to write. the same cannot be said for the urban geog parts. everything was either half done, i left part b of the essay completely blank because of lack of time, and i was rushing to complete the drqs on time. argh. i don't know what to think. i'm angry that none of the urbanization models came out. all my studying for models was in vain. annoying.
lit paper 1 was tough frm the beginning. not because of content, but more of which qn to do. i wanted to attempt essay, but afraid that ms k would slaughter anyone who attempted essay, i did context. found something to write, but i found my heart wasn't into the essay. i just kept of feeling this regret that i hadn't attempted the essay on justice and mercy. studied those themes too. darn it. for lit paper 8 i attempted the prose, something that i usually would never do. i like doing drama but couldn't deduce much from the drama and sheer number of characters in that one passage nearly killed me. never knew what was happening in the text. scrawled something on the paper and made it look as if i was abt to attempt the qn, but i moved on the prose in the end. was shorter than i anticipated. i wrote quite a fair bit.
econs was a train wreck. the mcqs seemed easy at the first part where everything was mkt structure. UNTIL i started on the other mcqs. national income stats. most of it was familiar, but the calculations killed me. half the time i got one of the mcq answers without even knowing how. heh. case study was WORSE. i wrote utter nonsense. 6 pages of it in fact. don't know how i did it, when i don't even know what i was writing. essay was a relief. mkt structures, my fave! didn't manage to complete it though, i was writing and writing like the world was about to collapse me if i didn't. and i only drew one graph. dang it, i ought to have drawn more graphs. schematic plan was a mess. in no respect does it looked planned. looks like an un-plan if you ask me. hrmph.
so i've complete most of the block tests, not to pleased, yet i was kind of expecting something of the sort to happen. gothic is up on thursday, which i hope will be easy, cos it happens to be the only paper that i've scored an A for in assignments. which reminds me, i got back my gothic assignment today, and was rather exasperated that i had a 17/25. which meant that i missed the A mark by 2%. same for lisa. bad bad bad bad. at least i didn't score a D or C, if not i would have been super demoralized. before the actual paper. then again maybe dr s wanted to give everyone a moral boost. our whole class seemed to do well. oh well.
i remember in finland once listening to a song my unklubi by the name of näiden tähtien alla. didn't quite like it at first. then it grew on me. now i've stumbled across the music video for the song huomenna on youtube and i think the lyrics are really beautiful. fancy me liking finnish rock bands, but hey i do! no going back now i guess. it started with rasmus, then HIM and now uniklubi, i wonder who else i'll start to like. if only there was a way besides youtube to gain access to such music. i must be way behind the finnish people back at suomi. i don't think i'll ever develop a liking for nightwish though, they aren't my cup of tea, even if kati likes them and tries her hardest to psycho me to like them.
vaikka meille annettaisiin koko avaruus
vain hetki kun sen saisin katoamaan
vaikka maailma eteeni polvistuisi
sen vain saisin palamaan
ja huomenna
taas huomenna olen surullinen i like the chorus part of huomenna most. nice =)
marlz
3/21/2006 12:48:00 ip.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2006
block tests are coming
i am done with dorian gray, and i realize how sad a book it is. for someone to fall so swiftly from grace, and to have such a great fear of something so natural and inevitable as ageing is quite tragic, in my opinion. especially when it was mostly because of an external influence. shows there are dangers in being afraid of imperfection.
in case you don't know the story of dorian gray, it is really the story of a modern sort of adonis. pure in looks, heart and mind, he is "awakened" (more like corrupted) by a man named Lord Henry, and he impulsively makes a wish that his portrait that was painted in his prime, would bear all the markings of age and of time, preserving his looks in real life. somehow, this wish comes true and his looks belie his demise and steady spiral into vice. eventually, he becomes the indirect cause for the demise of other people (read : ladies) and kills the man who painted the very picture. somehow, he feels terrible for what he did, and is confused by Lord Henry further, that he hates the portrait and attacks it with a knife. what happens next is the exact same thing that happened in the e.a. poe book i read before. the picture is found in its original state and he dies, old and blemished.
seems simple i know, but as i read it and got deeper and deeper into the story, i felt increasingly disturbed. at first i thought it was just an innocent story about the loss of innocence but now that i look at it, i feel it is more about influence. i wonder if someone needs to be willing to be open to influence before being influenced. i know that dorian gray was willing to listen. he was curious. but really, if someone tried to influence you and you weren't exactly open to it, maybe a bit hesitant, then would you be influenced at all?
i feel that dorian gray's downfall was being young and curious. he wanted to listen to the corruptor, and then when he did, he got pulled into a whole web of problems which he could not escape. maybe it was also partly because of him being so naive, so trusting, so open.
if one is so tender in mind, is it his responsibility to be wary of things to come? how would one know that something is bad, before experiencing it and realizing that it is so? or must there be someone who has the responsibility to protect him, and slowly edge him into the world, such that he learns, without being corrupted. i find it so disturbing that some people are totally unaware to what is happening about them. they live so sheltered lives that they are oblivious to the vice, crime and corruption around them that when they do realize that such things exist, it hits them so badly that they end up crippled, or even with a bitter outlook on life. so is curiousity a good thing or is it bad?
thank gdness this isn't a gp essay, or i'll have to answer my own questions. i truly really need to ponder on this for awhile before i get my answer to the whole thing. i keep on coming up with questions with no straightforward answer these days, or redundant statements like,
one wonders what a person is thinking when he/she is sitting calmly doing something repetitive and seemingly monotonous like knitting. they could be thinking of murder or how to cheat on their spouse. its scary.
i've also come to notice that so many of the books i read are about demise. they're so painfully tragic and melancholy. its a great transition from the silly enid blyton books i read in the years past. everything was so cheery and nice, and everything had a perfectly happy ending, with a moral thrown in for good measure. now the books i read have sad sad contents, and even if they end with a nice definite pretty picture of the union of man and wife, they mask a sad future of domestic trapping that lies ahead for both the male and female. maybe thats the difference between them and childrens books. maybe the books for the more mature readers depict more accurately the shortcomings of our world, and what we fear may come to pass. maybe the adults books (if you'd like to call them that) probe our mind deeper and further than some people would like, and show us that our souls are far from perfect. that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows. that everything is depressing and that love doesn't save us from everything, contrary to popular notion. that man can be worse than what we see now, and that man is easily corrupted and opportunistic in nature.
even those innocent faerietales that i've read before become twisted, and just plain weird. i don't know what it is. it could be me, or that the people feel that the world and the human race has degenerated into something that reeks of vice and evil. perhaps it does. i couldn't say anything about it until i see more, hear more and feel more.
block test are coming up and i can say that i am royally SCREWED for econs. i just don't understand the macro concepts, nor can i get any thing into my head, save for the AD = C + I + G + (X - M) nonsense. and MV = PT. aside from that and most of the mkt structure and inflation stuff i can't recall anything else, try as i might to fit all the concepts into my head. i believe i can muster a pass, not a good one though, for lit and geog. at least a C for both. maybe for lit i'll try to aim for a B, but if i do get a C i think i'm lucky. econs i'm gonna fail. its confirmed, and i'm not going to do the "i can do it" crap. i know i can't and i can't.
my resolution for this year would be that the block test would be the last time i will fail ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY ECONS. i want at least a B/C for econs for the real thing, and geog and lit will have to do better than that. 1 week was definitely not productive for studying econs at all. at least, for geog and lit i understand what is happening and can recall most of the facts that i've studied.
oh phooey. if only i could make the block test disappear with a puff into nothingness. but as my books have told me, such things can't happen. life isn't all a faerietale you know.
marlz
3/18/2006 12:42:00 ip.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 16, 2006
kota tinggi
and so kota tinggi came and went. i was truly quite nervous abt what i had to face and whether it would daunt me in its wake, but (yet AGAIN) my worrying was proven to be absolutely unwarranted. as if thats ever surprising.
so. went to school at quite an unearthly hour. left for kota tinggi. the bus itself was ok, though the ride was a bit bumpy, and i got pins and needles cos lisa was asleep on my lap.
the resort, was well, a resort. definitely NOT hotel material, but it sufficed. the view and the aircon was good, and the overall look outside was appealing. the same could not be said for the lack of lighting at night, the unavailability of potable water, and the humongous lizards that invaded our room in the middle of the night. but, the night went pretty ok for me, and i slept like a log after i saw lisa come in. i think i sprouted a few white hairs just worrying that something terrible might happen to her should she REALLY spend the night out, which she really looked determined to do. if she were my child, i would die young because i'm over-anxious (which is already common now).
the trek up the river was fine, despite my fear (how many times have i used this word already?) that i would not be able to handle it. after the first scramble over a log, there wasn't really anything that i wasn't able to overcome. we had mr chen scouting ahead for us, and on the way back i was even confident enough to walk ahead of the rest and help them over anything that came in our way.
the data collection was fun! we saw braided river and the slipoff slope, measured the river velocity, had numerous disputes over the reading on the clinometer, and laughed at dumb pond skaters that tried frantically to go against the current. some parts were really slippery and some parts deep. at one point i was even up to my chest in water, and i got back really drenched and with loads of sediment deposited in my shoes. i found out isabelle is afraid of butterflies. haha. i saw what kaolin looked like, saw a number of granite structures. as if i have not had enough of them already.
i got scratched up quite badly though, and had a hard time showering after that cos the scratches stung frm lack of attention and a good wash after i got out of the river. otherwise i think the trip to the river was super worth it. its true that there is a difference from just learning about such things on paper, and then seeing it. it makes things real, and you appreciate that you study geography.
the night and promised bbq dinner wasn't all that great. i gave up on food halfway partly because i didn't feel hungry and then because the food wasn't making me feel hungry at all. quite unappetizing. playing games was fun! played that miniature soccer table thingamagummy with nallu, kenneth, shazana, sarah and well, a whole load of people, as well as mrs chua's children. was very funny until we realized that dianne, shazana, nallu and lisa had disappeared, so we hiked up to find them.
then onwards i just got freaked out. first, as we were climbing up, we had to walk down this really deserted path to get to the table tennis room where they were situated. i kept hearing this noise of footsteps behinds me, so i quickened my pace, and pressed against sarah and diana so that they walked faster. then i just couldn't take it anymore and i overtook them. so we finally reached the door (which was positively narrow) and stopped to look in. i heard a scream, panicked, thought that they saw something behind me, and i screamed. and then i realized that we were all screaming, but nothing had happened.
this is going to be such an anti climax. what we were screaming about was really because of the fact that they didn't hear us coming and were talking about something unnatural walking through the door through which we came. and then we appeared, gave lisa and nallu a huge shock, who gave shaz and the others a good shock, which gave me a shock cos i really thought there was something unnatural behind me. after that we were all paranoid. the room was old, the windows creaky, nallu was teasing, and even the fans were spoilt.
i was so scared to walk to my own room, which unfortunately, was right at the top of all the other rooms, which meant a long walk in darkness. thank goodness for mrs chua, was a darling and accompanied us to our room, and even put up with us coming to disturb her and her family for antiseptic spray in the middle of the night. bunking with diana and lisa was fun, and i dare say we got along quite well except for when we were trying to wake lisa up.
so the night passed (mozzies and all). a clear morning came, with which came the terrible task of waking lisa up. we eventually succeeded by setting mrs chua's two children on her, who petrify her so much, she jumped out of bed screaming. breakfast, which for me wasn't that great, except for coffee. and then the best part came, which was the waterfall.
the water was so nice and cold, and deep. i cut the sole of my foot on some sharp rock, which i've only discovered now. the waterfall itself was delightful, and, i felt, there was too little time to be there. i should have liked to play in the water for a much longer time.
and then it was pack up time, and the trip to mr chen's out of town development. seriously, mr chen is super corny. he's worse then mr collin. i to think i thought that was bad. he and heat capacity formula. bleah. we had lunch at some nice restaurant and the food was very nice. got myself and cap and then we came home.
can safely say that i came home all smiles, cuts, bruises, muscle aches and all.
marlz
3/16/2006 12:40:00 ip.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2006
bestie
saturday night was one of the best nights i've ever had. i finally let go, i finally talked, i finally had someone to rely on.
i realize that in the midst of my hustle and bustle that comes with being a meridian and an mjcsb member, i've not been able to successfully keep in touch with the besties at prcs.
especially with my bestest bestie, mr eric liaw da fu. it wasn't just the whole meridian thing, but also being absolutely traumatized when i called him sometime last year for a certain reason.
i'm glad things have cleared up. we chatted in the exact way that we did before poly, before jc, before the o's and before any other things that have come our way.
it just started and wouldn't stop and lo and behold it was 3 am, i was yawning, and he was telling me to sleep. haha.
you know you have a best friend somewhere when they call you up after a long time and scold you for not calling them, and then forgive you and tell you that they miss you.
you know you have a best friend somewhere when you are able to pick up where you left off, even though its been eons.
you know you have a best friend somewhere when they remember your habits a clear as a bell, even though you've not met them in ages.
you know you have a best friend somewhere when they ask you about things that they know plague you and that you care for and know exactly what to say to you to make them go away.
you know you have a best friend somewhere, when no matter what,
they still care.
i'm glad i've got best friends out there. eric, huda, oke, ranjani, mastura. i haven't forgotten any of you, even if we haven't kept in touch in a long time.
3/14/2006 03:57:00 ap.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 11, 2006
alhena is love!
yesterday was such a eventful day! and overall, a super de duper one as well. numerous things happened.
pe where we played floorball and i didn't defend the goalpost properly so we lost! and then we had lit. was quite happy with the essay grade, because i got a b- which is far frm what i expected. i thought i'd get a D or even a C- at most. so i'm happy.
wasn't as happy with my paper 8 assignment though. i only managed a 13.5 over 25. though according to mr low, he gave a 14 as the highest. i was near the mark, but not near the mark that i wanted. thus the disappointed "oh" after that. i recovered quickly though, cos there was andy to tease!
then there was break which was absolutely hilarious cos we were treating the visualizer in class like a digicam. we kept capturing absolutely ridiculous images of ourselves and storing them in it, but we couldn't find a way to extract them from the machine. what a waste. the "pictures" were so spastic and so unglam. and it was so tiring to get the image we wanted, we jumped here and jumped there. and we had a whole multitude of poses. marilyn was so funny lar, and vanessa so smiley. and at some points, we looked like we had no arms, or like a guy. and the poses. oh my, the poses. haha
and then there was the last few classes of term. and then band, where halfway i had to ran out to the toilet cos i had a stomach cramps and i thought that i was about to puke. it was fun yet tiring. and then i ran down to campfire.
campfire is such a magical thing. its the one thing that induced me to stay in mj, that made me fall in love with alhena and the orientation. that made me become an ogl. so i rushed down to campfire just in time for results. i cheered my heart out. we were 3rd again, but its ok. alhena still is the best. and mass dance! it was great, with my ever fun and super blur (like me) dance partner. i really enjoyed dancing with you! and mambo where kaisheng said he forgot how to dance. and then the school anthem, where i saw mr yeow smiling and smiling, and the photgrapher taking some extremely unglam shots of me and vanessa as we were singing. and the alhena ogls cheering and cheering after everything was over. and the new ogls, who ran the orientation. and meeting yuyang again. AND wadi was not only the emcee for the night, but ALSO, i found out that he was the OHL of alhena. how wicked is that?! campire is uber fun and alhena is love!
i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness that all of it has passed. it was a most spectacular night. i felt like i was high, even though i missed the first part. i realize that i'll never be able to scream and dance and have fun in that way again in mj. i'll never again see alhena, whether they are winning or otherwise. and i'll miss all that screaming and laughing and singing and dancing. i woke up this morning, with a great smile on my face.
i went to sungei road this morning. it got me thinking abt the nice old people i've met before.
i think that there is something charming about the old man in the corner (not any particular old man, just an old man). his tanned face, his wrinkled smile. his firm handshake and his old jokes. the way his eyes twinkle, and he's so optimistic, despite his age. his old fashioned polite way of talking to you, and his soothing voice. the way he seems so wise, even if he doesn't say a thing. his sound advice and his war old stories. the callused hands and the canvas shopping bag. the way he taps you lightly on the cheek in a most good natured manner. yes there is something charming about that old man. i've had my share of such old people, and i don't know if its enough. i only know i like talking to them and being around them, and i wonder if others do too. they are such nice people.
the charm seems to be reflected in their homes as well. i recall visiting this friend of säsä's close to chrismas time. there was this nice smell of cookies in the house. the decorations on the tree looked ancient and so prettily old fashioned. there was a old piano in the corner which they invited me to play on, and nice springy sofas. the space was warm, but i think it might have been because of the hospitality of the people i was visiting. maybe people do have an effect on a house after all. mansions that are cold and huge are far worse than a small yet cosy living space.
wanwen just told me this:
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
haha i read your blog..and it seems that you always have a lot of feelings..
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
Weird thoughts and stuff..
»«§áràh»« heart directory says:
yea i do
»«§áràh»« heart directory says:
is it a bad thing?
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
haha no...but it made me real curious!
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
haha
»«§áràh»« heart directory says:
thats surprising! curious about?
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
dunno. it's like.,.u know..you show a little but yet not the whole thing..
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
kinda like teasing the reader see.
wanwen ๑۩۞۩๑ says:
hahaah
teasing the reader. thats weird. oh well. gd night thenmarlz
3/11/2006 03:01:00 ip.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2006
heart directory
i haven't blogged in a week. thats long. for me.
i've been feeling extremely frustrated trying blog this week. i feel like there's this grey mass at the back of my head. pent up ideas, that i just can't help but think about. magic magic ideas, that fizzle and pop like brain chemistry. but when i touch my finger on the keys, a switch turns off and the fizzle, the pop, the bubbling in my head just stops, and i can't. i can't think.
its extremely vexatious to have thoughts in your head which you can't express. you feel. your head just churns and churns, and there's this pent up emotion in you that just doesn't materialize on paper. its like having your head speak in a different language that you can understand, but just can't translate. i makes me feel (for the lack of a better word i shall use this one) UNCOMFORTABLE.
the feeling is extremely dissatisfying. i don't freaking want to blog about my results, or school, or my dreams this week. NO. i want to blog about what i've been thinking about. about what bothers me when i lay my head on my pillow at night, during those few moments before my breathing slows and i fall asleep. about what i think of when i look like i'm doing nothing. what i feel when i see things around me. but my fingers won't type it out. its frustrating.
i think my head has started not to think in words anymore. for some reason or another its started on images. as i type right now, my head is showing me a seedy hotel. lights in disrepair, blinking every few seconds. a guitar, on the bed. stains on the wall. music that can't be heard, cos it can't be played. stubble, a weary face. dogs barking, and shouting in the next room. lousy flowery wallpaper, that peels with age. a cockroach scuttling over some yellowed magazines. dang it i want my words back, cos i don't understand the images. i don't know what my head is trying to tell me.
the images make me feel isolated. alone. i only know that i feel that.
its coming is so sudden. its like i don't have friends, only family to rely on. i believe one day it will come to that. i think of the image. a day when i will be wizened and old, wrinkled. my eyes would have lost their shine, my face its glow, my smile its sincerity. i would lose my trust in the world, in my friends, if any remain then. i would be jaded. indeed, isn't that such a commonplace situation for the middle aged, or the senior citizens?
the world would be grey, depressing, "uninspiring" as marilyn would put it. i see a hallway, deserted, with oily greasy smells wafting up it. the odd jingle jangle of the keys as someone walks up it. paint that needs retouching, dust gathering on old cds. a hot hot day, with light filtering in through heavy curtains, showing the air. truckloads of paperwork on a study desk. broken down airconditioning. a washingmachine that won't spin properly. a fridge that is never cold and that is half empty. a tiny cramped up apartment, that is if not as depressing in the day than in the night, then worse. bad comedies on the tely. and only my parents, or my brother or sister to help me. to call me to say hello. to ask "eh, kau masak ape". to go to town with me. no friends. no one to call on. i wonder if it will amount to what i'm imagining now, one fine day in the future.
my images make me depressed.
marlz
3/04/2006 12:32:00 ip.