I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

lauantaina, helmikuuta 18, 2006

a revelation

i'm bothered by the compass thing that we had to do. here's why.

that jung typology test that we're requested to take happens to be the exact same one that i took 2 years ago at the counselling session in prcs (i'm not going to elaborate why i was there, so don't ask). anyways, i did the longer and of course costlier version of the test and found out my typology then : infp.

then, i go online and do it AGAIN this year, thinking that i've changed but NO, i'm STILL and infp. that kind of worries me. is it because i've gone and repressed my emotions or is it because its possible to change my beliefs without changing my personality. i'm more worried abt the former. if i do repress my feelings, that means i could be a walking time bomb, and just explode and end up at square one. after all my efforts to stop and rethink abt things and try to be happy despite all that goes on around me. i worry that i've not done what i've set out to do. lower the ceiling, and climb my ladder without worries. i suddenly have the yearning to ask those whom i trusted most at that time whether they've really seen a change in me, or was it just blindness on my part.

maybe i'm wilfully blind like king lear (which reminds me that apparently shakespeare was an infp as well. go figure). i know i'm fretting and upset, but i refuse to see that i am, for the sake of being happy. i must feel really strongly abt something before letting myself have an outburst. i feel down these past few days. not that i've never lacked confidence, but i find i sorely lack it this week. everytime i look in the mirror i see that i have weird eyes, that my nose is ugly, that i've developed more freckles, that my hair is overly wavy, that i have an uneven tan. everytime i'm in a crowd i feel so much smaller. everytime i read an essay i feel that i'm stupid. everytime i'm among people i feel i don't belong. on normal days i feel like i can actually put up with all of it. these few days i don't.

i borrowed a book of victorian faerietales that day from the library. the pages do not seem to hold the charm that i expected to behold in them. i do not catch my breath when the princess it exiled from her kingdom. i do not marvel at the exquisite words the author uses to describe his characters and the celebrations that take place when rightful kings are back in their thrones. in short, i've lost my rose coloured glasses. i feel tired, used, and i would blog about my ordeals this week, only that i know that they would be utterly ridiculously small in comparison with what other people are experiencing across the globe, or even in singapore itself. i have no right to whine. i have no right to vent.

i wish i could plunge myself into the cool, still waters of a magical spring, and let the fluid magic wash away my weariness and worries. i wish that i could drink the elixir of knowledge and know everything that i not only need to know but also want to know. of myself, of the world, of the things to come. i wish that i could look at the rain pelting the earth, and wax sentimental abt the gift that God has given us. i'm finding it hard to cherish, and easy to criticize. i'm finding it easy to give up. i'm finding it hard to find meaning. and i wish. i wish that things were not this way.

i know that i have to overcome the trials and tribulations of life to emerge as a better woman. or so they say. what if. just what if i emerge a broken woman, so badly hurt that she can only look at the world in anger, and curse her existance on the planet. life is far from a faerietale, i know. but how far it is exactly i don't. is it ok for me to accept the beliefs of the majority that things will be ok, that things will be alright, that i don't have to worry? is it ok to think that all my problems will have a resolution?

i feel like i need to divert my thoughts from the academic. BUT it is the worst time to do so. and i can't, not until i pull through this year. and then after that i will have another excuse because i can't, because i need to earn a living. and then i need to take care of my health. and then i need to worry abt my retirement. and then i need to this, and then i need to that. when will i ever have the time to think of other things? of worrying about things that do not involve the self, and at the same time live comfortably, knowing that there is no cause to worry abt self, but instead, to think about other things?

dear reader, whoever you are, i think it is extremely apparent that i'm thorougly distressed and exasperated. this just has to get off my chest, or else i think i'll burst. my sleep is no longer refreshing, school is no longer interesting, jokes are not as funny. everything, i feel, is deteriorating around me. and darn it, i don't like it. I DON'T LIKE IT.

how long i will dwell on this matter depends now on how long it will take to build my world back up again. for now i shall try to partake of a refreshing sleep. which will not come, i am sure, because of my extremely preplexing and frustrating dreams that seize and eradicate all refreshment that ought to come with a night of shut eye. i wish things were less complicated.

marlz

lauantaina, helmikuuta 18, 2006

a revelation

2/18/2006 12:12:00 ip.

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