I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 03, 2006
aggresion
i've been doing a bit of thinking abt aggressive people. i've met a number of aggressive people, not necessarily violent or anything, but aggressive nonetheless. the thing is, i wonder why they are aggressive.
people would dismiss it for not being able to control their anger. but after musing on the topic for some time i decided that it isn't really the case. to me, i believe its a self defence mechanism. i think that maybe, just maybe, the hostility that these aggressive people display is because they feel threatened, they feel unsafe even though they aren't really in that position.
and i also believe there is this kind of passive sort of aggression, that is also a defence mechanism that is very difficult to spot. only that it is because of a different reason.
for example, physical aggression is very easy to spot. the person seems to be hostile and physically violent because he/she feels threatened. usually these people are either anti social, or stick with a very very small group of friends. they have this paranoia that people are out to get them, and thats why they initiate attacks although it appears that they are unprovoked.
the other form would be where a person starts a verbal argument because they feel their ideals are being threatened. they feel need a always voice their opinion, and feel threatened when their opinion is disregarded. as soon as their thought is criticised or their opinion is not taken into consideration, or not favoured, they launch into this fast paced argument where they are very assertive.
but the passive sort that i'm talking abt is really weird. its a defence mechanism for themselves, so that that they don't get hurt, or don't hurt others. its hard to spot because these people appear happy, mild in nature. haven't you ever thought what goes through the heads of these people? that maybe, just maybe, they aren't that happy? and that they are putting it on, day after day, just to make sure their feelings are protected, to make sure that they don't step on anyone's toes. i feel this is also being defensive of oneself, in particular, of ones feelings, and of ones relationships, their sense of belonging and contentment. and all this without realising that they may be hurting themself on the inside.
and how have i come to this conclusion? by finding out that i, my very self, is guilty of this character suicide of sorts. killing my own opinions and feelings, and bottling them up instead, so that i please others and myself in the process.
i don't deny that i have a whole load of doubts. the problem is showing that i do, and making sure i don't kill my own feelings or hide them away just so that i can appear happy and then come home and let them overwhelm me like they did when i wrote the last post. i'm too hard on myself sometimes, as someone very wise told me once in secondary school. and i have to learn to "lower the ceiling so the ladder reaches it" if not, i'll fall again. and i hope i do in time to reach the A's with a sound mind.
2/03/2006 01:38:00 ip.