marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 26, 2006
do fry?
the past week has been taxing, thus the lack of updates. my school week was spoilt entirely by certain events taking place. i was upset, i was snappy, i was quiet, i was fed up, i was teary. i needed alone time. loads of it.
i personally think that it wasn't just bcos of what took place, but also a host of other things, that made me feel so demoralized. i felt/feel like i just should give up, but i know i can't because i don't want to let my parents down, nor do i want to give up this incredible opportunity i've had of being in a junior college, of getting an education, or being able to learn, without having to worry about things that other people have to worry about. i have the power to be curious, and not worry whether i am allowed to go to school because of my gender, my race, or my religion. i realize the power of being able to learn, to know, to ask without having to consider anything else. and i think i ought to cherish it.
as it is, i still feel that i'm not that stable emotionally and mentally to face school with the determination i had previously, but i do think i have recovered enough from the stress and state of depression to face school with a smiley face, even if it may not be a reflection of my true emotions. i've decided to not to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, unless i really can't take it and burst again. so world, be prepared for marlina sarah : the cheerful, the lame, the nonsensical and the downright retarded.
i need to thank a host of people that made me feel valued and loved and cared for when i was at my lowest. my class esp evie, trish, nurc, dari, aneesha, marilyn, lisa and andy, thank you for asking me if i was ok, and encouraging me not to give up. my dear darling twin jonjon, for listening, and cheering me up when i needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to me. to someone for the song which i still listen to when i'm down. i never fail to think of your smile and our nonsense when i feel sad, and though you don't always know it, i laugh just thinking about it.
i need to also apologize to some people for totally ignoring them, subjecting them to uncomfortable bouts of silence, rushing off for no reason, or snapping at them. my class: sorry for being to snappish and isolating myself frm you all. i didn't really know how to react to everything, and i guess that was my way out. band ppl : fabian, huikoon, zhengyi, kenny, wanwei, sarah, kinlok, ryan, james, weijie, kaiyan, and felix. sorry if i blew you off when you asked me if i was ok or why i was sad. esp kinlok since i think i snapped at you and wanwei since you accompanied me all the way home in silence. you ppl were prolly wondering what was up with me that day, even if i was trying hard not to make the fact that i was upset noticable.
ah. i shall care about this week no longer and think of the future.
and the future seems : bleak. why? i fell ill with a hacking cough, and i wonder if i'll ever recover, since its been plaguing me for what seems like ages. (read : 4 days) if it gets worse i'm going to drag myself to the doctor, whether or not i like it. hrmph.
i think peter pan is such a sad story. and i think i'll my post here. if not it'll be long.
marlz
2/26/2006 01:40:00 ip.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 18, 2006
a revelation
i'm bothered by the compass thing that we had to do. here's why.
that jung typology test that we're requested to take happens to be the exact same one that i took 2 years ago at the counselling session in prcs (i'm not going to elaborate why i was there, so don't ask). anyways, i did the longer and of course costlier version of the test and found out my typology then : infp.
then, i go online and do it AGAIN this year, thinking that i've changed but NO, i'm STILL and infp. that kind of worries me. is it because i've gone and repressed my emotions or is it because its possible to change my beliefs without changing my personality. i'm more worried abt the former. if i do repress my feelings, that means i could be a walking time bomb, and just explode and end up at square one. after all my efforts to stop and rethink abt things and try to be happy despite all that goes on around me. i worry that i've not done what i've set out to do. lower the ceiling, and climb my ladder without worries. i suddenly have the yearning to ask those whom i trusted most at that time whether they've really seen a change in me, or was it just blindness on my part.
maybe i'm wilfully blind like king lear (which reminds me that apparently shakespeare was an infp as well. go figure). i know i'm fretting and upset, but i refuse to see that i am, for the sake of being happy. i must feel really strongly abt something before letting myself have an outburst. i feel down these past few days. not that i've never lacked confidence, but i find i sorely lack it this week. everytime i look in the mirror i see that i have weird eyes, that my nose is ugly, that i've developed more freckles, that my hair is overly wavy, that i have an uneven tan. everytime i'm in a crowd i feel so much smaller. everytime i read an essay i feel that i'm stupid. everytime i'm among people i feel i don't belong. on normal days i feel like i can actually put up with all of it. these few days i don't.
i borrowed a book of victorian faerietales that day from the library. the pages do not seem to hold the charm that i expected to behold in them. i do not catch my breath when the princess it exiled from her kingdom. i do not marvel at the exquisite words the author uses to describe his characters and the celebrations that take place when rightful kings are back in their thrones. in short, i've lost my rose coloured glasses. i feel tired, used, and i would blog about my ordeals this week, only that i know that they would be utterly ridiculously small in comparison with what other people are experiencing across the globe, or even in singapore itself. i have no right to whine. i have no right to vent.
i wish i could plunge myself into the cool, still waters of a magical spring, and let the fluid magic wash away my weariness and worries. i wish that i could drink the elixir of knowledge and know everything that i not only need to know but also want to know. of myself, of the world, of the things to come. i wish that i could look at the rain pelting the earth, and wax sentimental abt the gift that God has given us. i'm finding it hard to cherish, and easy to criticize. i'm finding it easy to give up. i'm finding it hard to find meaning. and i wish. i wish that things were not this way.
i know that i have to overcome the trials and tribulations of life to emerge as a better woman. or so they say. what if. just what if i emerge a broken woman, so badly hurt that she can only look at the world in anger, and curse her existance on the planet. life is far from a faerietale, i know. but how far it is exactly i don't. is it ok for me to accept the beliefs of the majority that things will be ok, that things will be alright, that i don't have to worry? is it ok to think that all my problems will have a resolution?
i feel like i need to divert my thoughts from the academic. BUT it is the worst time to do so. and i can't, not until i pull through this year. and then after that i will have another excuse because i can't, because i need to earn a living. and then i need to take care of my health. and then i need to worry abt my retirement. and then i need to this, and then i need to that. when will i ever have the time to think of other things? of worrying about things that do not involve the self, and at the same time live comfortably, knowing that there is no cause to worry abt self, but instead, to think about other things?
dear reader, whoever you are, i think it is extremely apparent that i'm thorougly distressed and exasperated. this just has to get off my chest, or else i think i'll burst. my sleep is no longer refreshing, school is no longer interesting, jokes are not as funny. everything, i feel, is deteriorating around me. and darn it, i don't like it. I DON'T LIKE IT.
how long i will dwell on this matter depends now on how long it will take to build my world back up again. for now i shall try to partake of a refreshing sleep. which will not come, i am sure, because of my extremely preplexing and frustrating dreams that seize and eradicate all refreshment that ought to come with a night of shut eye. i wish things were less complicated.
marlz
2/18/2006 12:12:00 ip.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 13, 2006
just shut the sound out
tomorrow is v day and initially my class wanted to do this gift exchange potluck thing but it got called off today. haha. that means no brownie making today. i think i'm very cheapo, all i ever do for gifts is bake (which costs a whole load less than a present and is a no brainer, which i feel very guilty over) when i told the class i was thinking of making brownies somebody exclaimed "i'll bring present for you!" or something of the like. haha. at least someone appreciates my cooking.
the thing that bothers me so much about v day really is they way it is so commercialized. seriously, why do couples all have to celebrate their love on one day? and on the beach some more! the beach is a sacred area. i despise that they all have to congregate there on one day. potentially a day where i wish to go to the beach cos it might be a holiday. this year it isn't, so i don't quite care, take the beach for all you want. but it does so ruin my brooding when i'm there and so are a whole group of twosomes. i want to be alone, not sharing my thoughts with them.
i'm feeling fairly poetic today, though the happiness from the previous post has sort of faded over the weekend. BUT there is this lingering sense of contentment that has come about due to a realization (pt 9 in the last post). but as i said i'm not at liberty to say what it is, so i came up with this nonsense:
a realization,
a newish whim
for me, is but
aught irish wit
o dearest death
the myrtle near me!
belief, titus, my mr nut
is naught but mashed lies
by midday be i
with the fell herd
or let that tear fall
oh you vile elusive onewhich i give permission to figure out but i'm guessing you never will. it is a true puzzle. that i'm proud of mind you, because i purposely set it so that no one would guess the sense in it, and the meaning behind the seeming hodge podge of words thrown together. and believe me, THERE IS a meaning behind it, so haha, i challenge brave souls out there to find out what i mean lol.
marlz
2/13/2006 03:28:00 ip.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 11, 2006
i'm happy
i want to sing because i'm so happy i could burst.
friday was an AWESOME day at school.
1. i got back my gothic paper lit assignment. and i scored a 15/20. my best yet.
2. pe was fun =)
3. my sister got a 16 for her L1R5 which is superb. and a B3 for Amath too
4. i visited crestwinds and my name is now down for the band alumni.
5. a whole lot of prcsians are contemplating to come to mj.
6. when i went to prcs so many ppl that i now can't recogise, still remember me and my name
7. the clarinets are more in order, and the juniors are improving. and joanne is doing a superb job as sl. joanne, you are great!
8. mjcsb band prac was the best prac i've had so far. fabian didn't come and i thought i would die cos he wasn't there to cover for me, but i still did fine. in fact i did better than fine. i did well.
and you know what makes me happiest? its number 8 and 9. nice pieces for band prac, ms sia was in a good mood, and i played well. whats a better band prac than that? and yijun sang for us which was BEAUTIFUL. most importantly, i managed to keep time in carmen, which i didn't do during wednesday's sectionals, and i even managed to be audible, which usually does not happen. and on top of that, i managed to find some Brahms recordings online, which is super. shoot me, but i love music. 9 is something i'm not at liberty to say, but i'm uber happy about it.
i'm going to bed a happy woman
marlz
2/11/2006 07:12:00 ip.
torstaina, helmikuuta 09, 2006
being random and roundabout
warning: i have loads of things to gush about and am going to be extremely random.
i watched some show last night on the 40 best cities (for tourists), and barcelona came in first. rio de janerio came in somewhere pretty close to the top. BUT (its a really big butt) i think geog is getting to me AGAIN, and i was pretty upset that they painted such a pretty, sanitized picture of rio. seriously, i don't think many people are that interested in the slum areas there, or that the masses of tourists that go to rio make things worse by flashing their cash on the streets, and polluting the environment there. seriously, it was too pretty a picture for me. i rather see something authentic.
the one place i would first visit if i have a chance would be Istanbul. prolly because to me it such an exotic, mysterious and fascinating place to visit. i could just imagine going to the famed grand bazaar, with its bright colours and pungent clouds of spices. and looking at the most magnificent mosques ever. wandering down little lanes where there is hardly any space to walk, mingling with the crowd. then there's the history to learn. its a mixture of everything, high income, low income, old and new. and of course there's the buzz that always happens in such a populous city. oh ya, and a turkish bath! and of course the plus point is that most of the population of turkey are muslim, which makes things so much easier for me. haha.
the only other place on the charts that i considered visiting was this place in Dublin that has this really old library with many many many many old books. the images that flickered on the screen were breath taking, so i cannot imagine what it really looks like.
when i get time one day i will visit turkey! must.
compass programme today was SUPER FUN. when i signed up for sound hounds i thought it was that boring old computer music thingamajig that we used to have in ol prcs, so i sort of settled for it because 1. it still had places, and 2. it was something i thought i had dabbled in before.
boy was i wrong. what we ended up learning about in the end was about turntabling, and the different types of dance music. somethings i knew, like euro-trash and house and the very famous r&b. but i got to hear samples of trance, drum and bass (or was it bass and drum?) and REAL techno music. and it was SO COOL. so we got to watch a turntabling demo on video, and by the teacher itself. i never knew mj teachers were so happening haha. i really really enjoyed it. it was nothing like what i went for last week, which was pretty boring actually. i shan't say what it was though, cos the teacher was trying very hard, though actually most of us already had done something of the like before.
tomorrow is the release of o level results. and soiree, which i'm not going for cos i don't know anyone who is performing and cos i have band prac which i much rather go for. but enough of that. i leave a message for a very special group of people who have touched my heart in the past month or so:
to all my dearest alhena 6 freshmen, you've been a super bunch of people, who always never fail to wave to me and smile when you see me along the corridors. i only hope that you had a great time during your time in mj, and during orientation, because i've had a great time getting to know and playing around with all of you. all the best in all that you do. this may sound very cliched but,wherever you go, and whatever you are doing in the future, whether or not you are coming back to mj, remember to be the best, and carry the alhena spirit abt with you, and make sure whoever messes with you will be chaota! hope to see you again and all the best.
with all my love,
marlina
2/09/2006 08:57:00 ap.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 06, 2006
influence
we started on that ultra short book today in lit lecture. so obviously we had to go through all that boring stuff about the biography of the author and things like then when dr s started on this thing or that influencing the writing of the book.
and as usual, my mind just took up the thought of something influencing another thing or somebody influencing someone and sort of ran away with it.
i really wonder if people, when influenced, do it unconciously or conciously. think about it a little. if a random event were to influence the way i write, would i know in particular what exactly that event was? or would i, when questioned about my writing style, just shrug (like i assume i would) and proclaim my ignorance with regards to the reason as to why i write the way i do? seriously, if i were to ask someone like orwell why he writes the way he do would he know? or would he just say, because i felt like it?
i personally think that influence is somewhat like dusk. it creeps into the day, so slowly that you don't notice it is dusk until it just is. so you won't notice you are influenced until you are, and go : oh dearie me, i've become a bad student because of hanging out with person A.
but i can't really decide whether it is a conscious decision or not. you have to allow yourself to be influenced in order to be influenced. you have to open your mind, your heart and your soul to the thing that you are going to be influenced by, or the person is going to influence you. so technically, i have to be willing to be influenced.
yet, that does not explain how come some people don't notice they have been influenced until something really major happens to them, or someone points it out. so they've made a conscious decision to be influenced, yet not be aware of it? it doesn't make any sense to me.
maybe, one can make a unconscious decision to be influenced, and thus sort of submit themselves to it, yet not know about it. i don't know. i've a weird feeling that i'm talking to myself in circles here. i for one, don't understand why i think the way i do, or have certain ideas. i believe that many of the thoughts i generate are influenced by something over the time of my life, but i don't know what.
haha i sound mad. we talked abt schizophrenia in lit too. i think madness is a very curious disease. do we allow ourselves to become mad, or do we become mad just like that.
i'd like to write something one day based on the perspective of a mad person. i want to be able to understand their minds, and be able to relate to it. i might turn mad in the process but hey, a little madness never hurt the world did it? makes it more interesting for the dull and serious people.
which reminds me that i've a lit essay to do. dang it the assignments are more these days (which is a good thing because it means there is LOADS of recap done just completing the assignments) and even more mind boggling as compared to last year. what i don't like, however, are the progressive writing things. what good is there in writing a paragraph hmm? i find i take longer to write a paragraph than it does to write an essay, and its because i cannot link it to anything. i cannot just flow with it like i always do (mr chen is so gonna mock me if he finds out i said this) and i have to think so much harder! i guess thats the whole point, but i don't like it.
grrrr. better get started on the said assignments.
marlz
ps: to you, if your message to me, or whatever you are trying to say to me is so important, kindly get round to doing it sooner, and in a straightforward manner. i do not appreciate people wasting my time with hints and stuff. if its gonna be that way, just drop the whole topic, because i will think of it as something not worth considering. thanks.
2/06/2006 01:27:00 ip.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 03, 2006
aggresion
i've been doing a bit of thinking abt aggressive people. i've met a number of aggressive people, not necessarily violent or anything, but aggressive nonetheless. the thing is, i wonder why they are aggressive.
people would dismiss it for not being able to control their anger. but after musing on the topic for some time i decided that it isn't really the case. to me, i believe its a self defence mechanism. i think that maybe, just maybe, the hostility that these aggressive people display is because they feel threatened, they feel unsafe even though they aren't really in that position.
and i also believe there is this kind of passive sort of aggression, that is also a defence mechanism that is very difficult to spot. only that it is because of a different reason.
for example, physical aggression is very easy to spot. the person seems to be hostile and physically violent because he/she feels threatened. usually these people are either anti social, or stick with a very very small group of friends. they have this paranoia that people are out to get them, and thats why they initiate attacks although it appears that they are unprovoked.
the other form would be where a person starts a verbal argument because they feel their ideals are being threatened. they feel need a always voice their opinion, and feel threatened when their opinion is disregarded. as soon as their thought is criticised or their opinion is not taken into consideration, or not favoured, they launch into this fast paced argument where they are very assertive.
but the passive sort that i'm talking abt is really weird. its a defence mechanism for themselves, so that that they don't get hurt, or don't hurt others. its hard to spot because these people appear happy, mild in nature. haven't you ever thought what goes through the heads of these people? that maybe, just maybe, they aren't that happy? and that they are putting it on, day after day, just to make sure their feelings are protected, to make sure that they don't step on anyone's toes. i feel this is also being defensive of oneself, in particular, of ones feelings, and of ones relationships, their sense of belonging and contentment. and all this without realising that they may be hurting themself on the inside.
and how have i come to this conclusion? by finding out that i, my very self, is guilty of this character suicide of sorts. killing my own opinions and feelings, and bottling them up instead, so that i please others and myself in the process.
i don't deny that i have a whole load of doubts. the problem is showing that i do, and making sure i don't kill my own feelings or hide them away just so that i can appear happy and then come home and let them overwhelm me like they did when i wrote the last post. i'm too hard on myself sometimes, as someone very wise told me once in secondary school. and i have to learn to "lower the ceiling so the ladder reaches it" if not, i'll fall again. and i hope i do in time to reach the A's with a sound mind.
2/03/2006 01:38:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 01, 2006
www.ihateyou.com
my energy level has hit an all time low. i've been letting odd thoughts that float around to catch my attention and make me think about things that can't help but make me feel down. i find it weird that the only person that can make myself feel upset is myself, and most of the time, its because i allow myself to be overwhelmed by these feelings of hopelessness that come over me from time to time. i despise it. i despise myself for being like that.
today at band was flat out boring. the end of it was welcome relief, both to my tired out brain and my tired out lips. sometimes i wonder why i put up with band and its long hours. and then i go, "oh, because i love band". just like that. i wonder now if that love is really the passion i make it out to be or whether it is a love that i've programmed into myself, that is spontaneous because i've made a discipline, and because i use it as an excuse for myself to immerse in something. i wonder if the love i have for band and my endless thoughts on it are REAL.
i'm feeling flat out restless, and i don't know why. yet again i'm feeling melancholy. i cannot help but be tormented by the thought that i may not be doing the right thing. that i may not become a good person in future. that i will not be succesful. that i will not achieve my goals. that i'll end up a loser, with no purpose in life. a cast-aside that no one cares for because i'm not of any use. sometimes i feel that i'm venturing down the road to loserville, or i get this vague feeling that i've been away too long from home, so long that i've forgotten where it is, and how to get back.
DARN IT I DON'T NEED TO BE FEELING THIS WAY. i have loads of things to tackle this year, and i'm appalled that i'm letting this get to me. but i can't help it, i can't help it. i must sound delusional, and if i do, i'm sorry, but i have alot of doubts to my future. i realize how human, how powerless i am, that whatever i do is so insignificant, because there are so many other factors and powers affecting what i do. what if, what if it just isn't fated? what if what i wish to do just can't happen. what if God has already assigned me to travel down another path, and be tested in other ways? one tries, definitely, but why, why even try when you don't have the power to influence anything you do. really?
i need to quieten my thoughts, and calm myself down.
2/01/2006 11:58:00 ap.