marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, tammikuuta 16, 2006
lost
my day ended at 5 today. and i felt totally bushed at the end of it. sigh. mental exertion does make one exhaust so.
aft the last tutorial with mr low i just stumbled my way to the bus stop like one in a drunken stupor. my mind was just so tired. i wanted to let myself indulge in something mindless, like watching desperate housewives. not that it is mindless, i know all about that you are registering the information subconciously whether you like it or not blah blah crap, and i don't care. what i mean is turning on the telly and watching, but at the same time, letting yourself look past the flitting images onscreen and past the boxlike figure. tune in to your own telly, if you know what i mean. just not care about what you're watching. sort of like, when you're drinking coffee or tea early in the morning, and you fix your eyes on a spot somewhere far away, without actually having anything to look at there.
i must say i've come to enjoy my bus rides to school in the morning and back home. its all quiet, and there's no one around. you see ribbony green flash past the windows and the cool grey morning/evening just move around you, envelop you, embrace you. wisps of pink and orange clouds, in the distance. you can see the different stratas of light, just as the sun is rising, or fading away. its sacred, somehow. not like the rest of the day. bright, breezy. its nice too, but there's no hush about you, this stillness that just lets you be calm, and gather your thoughts isn't there. its jarring, and bright, and cheery. its bustling it grabs your attention and moves you about. but its not like my bus rides home.
i've come to a realization really, that i like to talk alot about the surroundings on my blog. i don't know why. the surrounding environment makes me feel alot, depending on the time of day, and depending on what the weather is like on the day. also depending on what is on my mind. somehow i feel the environment that i'm in is an extension of my thoughts and my feelings. it makes joy all the more exquisite, pain even keener, sadness excruciating and the anger fiercer. i'm being flighty again. bleah.
talking abt school, we had a very interesting paper 4 lecture today. abt the elektra complex and the ivory tower syndrome. i don't quite like the topic though, i feel extremely uncomfortable with it. it seems as if ann radcliffe hated men with such intensity that almost everything in her book shows how men are evil and domineering. and i don't see why there is this whole chunk about emily wanting a father figure to love, and to eradicate her mother.
personally, i love my mother. ALOT. no compromise if you were to ask me to choose between something else and my mother. it would be my mother hands down. why would any girl want to annihilate her mother? its madness.
i also think that women who think they can escape playing home maker or even doing house chores are nuts. i'm not saying that women should be locked up in the kitchen, slaving over a hot stove, struggling with a billion soap suds and with a truckload of laundry all day long. no. but i do think that even if you don't play home maker to a man in some point in your life, you probably are going to have to take care of yourself. having maids is no excuse to not learning to cook, or sew, or iron your own clothes. heck, i even like to cook and sew and iron my own clothes. whats wrong with doing that? feminists would probably shoot me down by saying that they are trinkets of enslavement from a long history where patriarchy is the norm. i don't care what they say or what colour bra they are burning this time.
i think having maids is a lousy excuse to escaping house chores for any girl. i rather learn how to cook than have a maid wipe away my snot at the age of twenty. i like playing little miss housedaughter, making cheese pancakes on a certain saturday and going to the market with my mom so i would know how to pick out the freshest leafy greens and meat. i like calculating which type of milk would be better to buy, so that you could save a few cents and buy something else with the money you've saved. i like baking cinammon buns on public holidays and messing about in the kitchen when i can spare the time. i even like *gasp* folding the clothes.
say that i'm born a few centuries late or whatever, but i rather be locked up at home doing chores for someone and feeling needed by people (not necessarily a husband even!) instead of wandering the streets, a destitute, with no one to turn to when you need to let your hair down and a shoulder to cry on. i rather wipe little chins in a hectic and lively household and put on tiny glossy black shoes for my own daughter one day, and show her off to my friends, instead of living on my own in a most magnificent house with noone but a cat for company. i rather have someone protect me than knowing at the last minute, that i can't protect myself because thats the best i can do on my own. two heads are better than one, and three and four and five are best, aren't they?
hah. i've developed a sort of dislike for what mysteries of udolpho preaches. i feel it is most unnatural. but i'm not supposed to judge. lit students have to be objective. i still hope that such a topic never comes out in the exams though, even if i wouldn't have trouble being neutral while writing essays.
my body is aching! i need rest. and i want to read. last night was a late one so i skimped on bedtime reading. till next time
marlz
1/16/2006 11:35:00 ap.