marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, joulukuuta 20, 2005
terrified
i've been feeling sad this past week. i thank God for band, because the music makes things so much better. but when i come home, somehow, the music does not rub off on you. suddenly, your lip hurts for gripping the mouthpiece too hard. your fingers are cramped up, from practising the running passages. and suddenly, you notice how badly you played today, when you had to sight read new pieces. you realise that you have terrible breath support, and can't last 4 bars without dying out, when you previously could last 8. suddenly, you wonder if the music was worth it, even though you know it just is.
statistics show that rates of depression shoot up during holiday seasons. i guess its justified. though i don't know if i'm depressed, i know i'm sad, and i know why.
there's alot in my past that i prefer not to talk about. but i try and punish myself each day by recalling a little, which is enough to hurt and then i tell myself tomorrow's a new day, don't repeat the same mistake again.
there's alot in my past which i now realise was beyond my control, but which i tried to control anyway because i felt guilty for it, and caused me to pay for it.
like how my family hit hard times before. i remember surviving on $2 for a whole weeks in sec 2, and coming home to more worrying about money issues. how one day i came home and my mother told me that we had no food tonight, and had to just cope with rice and ikan bilis. how i worried about water and electricity, and felt so helpless because i could do nothing. i felt like quitting school. my grades slipped. everything just was wrong, and i blamed myself for it.
at least i had people who knew, who cared, who were looking out for me.
sad to say, although i do adore so many people in jc, i find that none of them can give me that same security i had with people like oke and ranjani in prcs. i could tell oke and ranjani anything and cry my heart out, and they'd come to me and tell me that i'm ok, really, and i'd believe them.
now, i feel like there's hardly anyone who knows me. i don't know if thats my fault, but i suspect it is. to tell you the truth (whoever you are) i feel as if i've been floating on the outside, looking into a glass dome in which all things are happening. the only place i feel sure of myself, and definite that my feet are on the ground is home. and beyond that corridor down the hall, i feel as if i'm suddenly in a dream.
i feel as if i'm an accessory, there to emphasize the existance of the others, not not a person by myself. something like how a particular colour accentuates certain details of the room. i feel like i'm the colour, and other people are the details.
and i don't know why that is. but i shall say something that i said exactly one year ago to myself.
perhaps you don't know this but i hate myself.
i hate myself for being such a bad friend.
i hate myself for being a bad senior to my juniors.
i hate myself for having a bad memory.
i hate myself for being stupid.
i hate myself for being afraid, when everyone else is so brave.
i hate myself for being ugly.
i hate myself for being slow in my work.
i hate myself for being soft hearted at the wrong times.
i hate myself for feeling so angry all the time.
i hate myself because i'm bitter.
i hate myself for not being able to cope with social situations.
i hate myself for wasting a whole year.
i hate myself, for everything that i am.
perhaps you don't know this, but i said this same thing (i hate myself) exactly a year ago, and nothing has changed.
enough said.
12/20/2005 03:24:00 ip.