marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, joulukuuta 27, 2005
hello by brother, welcome to the world of the crazed
i must apologize for the last post.
anyways, christmas came and went swiftly, as did the past year. its amazing how now i consider that at the beginning of this year, i would sit in the library on those pathetic fridays where we had 6 periods free in between, and wonder how come the day just never seemed to end. now its not only ended but i'm faced with what could be the worst things i've ever faced in my life: the A levels.
i do think i've changed over the past year. some ways for the better, and i think that i've also picked up some new bad habits, but its ok. its a change, and i've always been an advocate of change (thanks to the coolest DM ever, Mr Vimal). at any rate, its much better to change than be stagnant. and if you think that change is not good then i'll tell you you're very ill informed. either that or you've never experienced change before, which technically, is very impossible.
but, certain things have not changed. and that is my chief woe. that the very
it that i need to change has continued to breed and multiply and worsen.
i feel trapped. i would say that there is this vague claustrophobic feel to everything i do. i feel like i've been fenced in. that there are walls around me, and that they are of my own creation. but i can't break them down.
its like being in a mental asylum. the same routine day by day, the same old man or old woman muttering the same thing every hour, the same fears the same paranoia.
monotony would be the best word to describe it. i fear monotony. i fear staying the same. and yet, i am exactly what i fear. i can't deviate from where i stand where i walk where i move towards.
i'm hindered not by walls, but by my own fears and paranoia. by myself.
if you read this and think that i'm going bonkers i would say that i fully agree with you. that i feel like i've lost my sanity and am straddling the worlds of insanity and sanity. that something is holding me back from venturing into those bleak dusty plains of madness, a tiny string, but i do not know what it is.
i'm reminded of what Galadriel tells Frodo in the first book of the Lord of the Rings. how his mission stands on the edge of a knife, and if the company strays but a little, they will all be destroyed.
perhaps i'm losing my mind as i write this. perhaps because i write this i'm losing my mind.
i need a holiday to sort out my thoughts. a long one. not in singapore. not even in asia. far away, in a place where no one knows me save for few, and where i can hear myself think properly. and yes, i know, to feel this way now is ill timed.
perhaps what i think is normal, its just that people don't talk about it, and i'm the first idiot who has.
idiot or not, i know that i'm a girls whose sense of paranoia and fear has reached its peak. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.
yes, christmas was interesting this year. i wonder if it could be more curious in years to come.
marlz
12/27/2005 05:47:00 ap.