marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, joulukuuta 27, 2005
hello by brother, welcome to the world of the crazed
i must apologize for the last post.
anyways, christmas came and went swiftly, as did the past year. its amazing how now i consider that at the beginning of this year, i would sit in the library on those pathetic fridays where we had 6 periods free in between, and wonder how come the day just never seemed to end. now its not only ended but i'm faced with what could be the worst things i've ever faced in my life: the A levels.
i do think i've changed over the past year. some ways for the better, and i think that i've also picked up some new bad habits, but its ok. its a change, and i've always been an advocate of change (thanks to the coolest DM ever, Mr Vimal). at any rate, its much better to change than be stagnant. and if you think that change is not good then i'll tell you you're very ill informed. either that or you've never experienced change before, which technically, is very impossible.
but, certain things have not changed. and that is my chief woe. that the very
it that i need to change has continued to breed and multiply and worsen.
i feel trapped. i would say that there is this vague claustrophobic feel to everything i do. i feel like i've been fenced in. that there are walls around me, and that they are of my own creation. but i can't break them down.
its like being in a mental asylum. the same routine day by day, the same old man or old woman muttering the same thing every hour, the same fears the same paranoia.
monotony would be the best word to describe it. i fear monotony. i fear staying the same. and yet, i am exactly what i fear. i can't deviate from where i stand where i walk where i move towards.
i'm hindered not by walls, but by my own fears and paranoia. by myself.
if you read this and think that i'm going bonkers i would say that i fully agree with you. that i feel like i've lost my sanity and am straddling the worlds of insanity and sanity. that something is holding me back from venturing into those bleak dusty plains of madness, a tiny string, but i do not know what it is.
i'm reminded of what Galadriel tells Frodo in the first book of the Lord of the Rings. how his mission stands on the edge of a knife, and if the company strays but a little, they will all be destroyed.
perhaps i'm losing my mind as i write this. perhaps because i write this i'm losing my mind.
i need a holiday to sort out my thoughts. a long one. not in singapore. not even in asia. far away, in a place where no one knows me save for few, and where i can hear myself think properly. and yes, i know, to feel this way now is ill timed.
perhaps what i think is normal, its just that people don't talk about it, and i'm the first idiot who has.
idiot or not, i know that i'm a girls whose sense of paranoia and fear has reached its peak. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.
yes, christmas was interesting this year. i wonder if it could be more curious in years to come.
marlz
12/27/2005 05:47:00 ap.
tiistaina, joulukuuta 20, 2005
terrified
i've been feeling sad this past week. i thank God for band, because the music makes things so much better. but when i come home, somehow, the music does not rub off on you. suddenly, your lip hurts for gripping the mouthpiece too hard. your fingers are cramped up, from practising the running passages. and suddenly, you notice how badly you played today, when you had to sight read new pieces. you realise that you have terrible breath support, and can't last 4 bars without dying out, when you previously could last 8. suddenly, you wonder if the music was worth it, even though you know it just is.
statistics show that rates of depression shoot up during holiday seasons. i guess its justified. though i don't know if i'm depressed, i know i'm sad, and i know why.
there's alot in my past that i prefer not to talk about. but i try and punish myself each day by recalling a little, which is enough to hurt and then i tell myself tomorrow's a new day, don't repeat the same mistake again.
there's alot in my past which i now realise was beyond my control, but which i tried to control anyway because i felt guilty for it, and caused me to pay for it.
like how my family hit hard times before. i remember surviving on $2 for a whole weeks in sec 2, and coming home to more worrying about money issues. how one day i came home and my mother told me that we had no food tonight, and had to just cope with rice and ikan bilis. how i worried about water and electricity, and felt so helpless because i could do nothing. i felt like quitting school. my grades slipped. everything just was wrong, and i blamed myself for it.
at least i had people who knew, who cared, who were looking out for me.
sad to say, although i do adore so many people in jc, i find that none of them can give me that same security i had with people like oke and ranjani in prcs. i could tell oke and ranjani anything and cry my heart out, and they'd come to me and tell me that i'm ok, really, and i'd believe them.
now, i feel like there's hardly anyone who knows me. i don't know if thats my fault, but i suspect it is. to tell you the truth (whoever you are) i feel as if i've been floating on the outside, looking into a glass dome in which all things are happening. the only place i feel sure of myself, and definite that my feet are on the ground is home. and beyond that corridor down the hall, i feel as if i'm suddenly in a dream.
i feel as if i'm an accessory, there to emphasize the existance of the others, not not a person by myself. something like how a particular colour accentuates certain details of the room. i feel like i'm the colour, and other people are the details.
and i don't know why that is. but i shall say something that i said exactly one year ago to myself.
perhaps you don't know this but i hate myself.
i hate myself for being such a bad friend.
i hate myself for being a bad senior to my juniors.
i hate myself for having a bad memory.
i hate myself for being stupid.
i hate myself for being afraid, when everyone else is so brave.
i hate myself for being ugly.
i hate myself for being slow in my work.
i hate myself for being soft hearted at the wrong times.
i hate myself for feeling so angry all the time.
i hate myself because i'm bitter.
i hate myself for not being able to cope with social situations.
i hate myself for wasting a whole year.
i hate myself, for everything that i am.
perhaps you don't know this, but i said this same thing (i hate myself) exactly a year ago, and nothing has changed.
enough said.
12/20/2005 03:24:00 ip.
perjantaina, joulukuuta 16, 2005
JANNAH!
this is
miss jannah hahn's fault...päh. can still make me her victim ar!
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ or blog! along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.
1. Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows (because the couple dance is super fun!)
2. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls (i know, i'm so late right)
3. Sail Away by my all time favourite finnish band, The Rasmus
4. The Second You Sleep by Saybia (its playing over and over in my head!)
5. I Surrender by (jeng jeng jeng) Saybia again
6. Killing Loneliness by Him
7. Passive by A Perfect Circle (my theme song!)
And MY victims are:
1. Jacob
2. Natalie Tan
3. Wei Jie
4. Alan (beacuse i don't know what kind of music the utopia will have)
5. Aneesha
6. the drunkard Wenqi! muahahahaha
7. the best for last: Huda who lives across the street
so there. i've completed it. happy jannah?
12/16/2005 06:55:00 ap.
torstaina, joulukuuta 15, 2005
i miss A202
i went to school that day for some game ic stuff. and ibriza said this...
"so fast 6 weeks of the holiday have passed"
and golly, they have! i didn't even notice i had so little time left to enjoy my freedom and lazing in bed. AND i realise that i've spent most of my time *gasps* in school!
first it was op and group project files to sort out. and then it was ogl briefings and ogl camp, and more banner painting and alhena stuff to do. AND over all that was band practices that just kept getting longer and more frequent. so its no wonder i lost track of the time i've spent. and not to mention i've not yet started on my geography project and my homework. lets spell it together shall we? D-I-E
AND i've not revised econs at all, save for trying to decipher the e-lesson on National Income and Economic Growth which still looks like and feels like greek to me despite the fact that i've viewed it 2 times already. i should've asked mr naresh to explain it to me during the genting trip, since we had so much free time on our hands (a totally ridiculous amount) and he was there. i was not thinking hard enough about my studies during the trip.
AND there's urban geog lecture test to study for because the geog dept likes to set us tests in the first 2 lectures of the term! spell it again: D-I-E-D-E-D
AND i've not enough time to enjoy anymore.
come to think of it, i've spent most of my time away for A202. sad right. i miss them. the only A202 member i've seen alot this hols is vanessa. and the rest vanished into oblivion after the OP frenzy. i can't wait for our class outing. when it comes. (i wonder what happened to our sleepover and other crazy plans)
i miss crapping with the other 2/3 of the Ms, the elegant Marilyn and killer-one-liner-boy Muhadher.
i miss lisa, who falls asleep on peoples laps, raves about cute ah bengs and whose mom called me marilyna.
i miss rad who always has something weird to say, or funny to do which makes me laugh. and for being the nicest and sweetest!
i miss nurc who is always searching for tissue and looking ever so flustered, and because she's our most injury prone player during PE.
i miss evelyn, my bus 89 buddy and chief study woman, who discusses shampoo brands with me.
i miss trish, with her super soft voice and her teddybear named after a printer! lol
i miss janna foong, aka kitty cat, because when she left, our class lost some of its mirth and its lame jokes.
i miss vanessa even though i've seen her loads, and her totally super duper infectious laugh and weird comments.
i miss dari for her cute clips, her "CLAAAAAS..." and her bubbly laughter.
i miss bev and her enormous pencilbox, her smiles and just because she's bev.
i miss wanwen, chatting with her during recess, sitting with her during lectures and her why WHY WHY WHY!
i miss aneesha and her funky hair, as well as her cool ideas and very nice looking veggie lunchboxes.
i miss diana her enthu ways and how she always has the thing that you're looking for. her bag must be the mary poppins edition.
i miss mr i love lit and hate econs ewis and our honest conversations together, especially when we take the same bus home.
i miss tightshirt who tries (in vain) to come up with rebuttals when we are poking fun at him.
i miss my other GP group member Alan the koala king who condemns dogs and brinjals to koalakingutopiahell and made me a general.
i miss "andy" ng ding xuan and his lousy AND1 shoes, as well as poking fun at him endlessly.
i miss anand and the way he handles teachers, and how he's our class party animal.
YEP. i miss A202. lol. first day of school will probably include picking on how andy's hair looks, talking about our koala king's utopia, and playing some game during the break. haha. and i'll miss it! because i'll be trying to make the next year's batch love MJ. lets just hope they are was great as the A202 peeps.
ok its late. i want to laze in bed. i don't have much time to do it anymore! heippa then and to all a goodnight.
marlz
12/15/2005 02:58:00 ip.
tiistaina, joulukuuta 13, 2005
infatuation
after toying with the idea of closing down my blog, i've decided against it. at any rate, the time i spent blog hopping today showed me that i'm not the worst around, though i do know that i've some way to go in terms producing blog worthy stuff. i've decided that i'll keep a separate blog that i'll password protect. just to bare my soul so that i keep those million thoughts floating around my head in check.
anyways, i don't like to say it, but to be honest, some stuff i saw just now while blog hopping was bad. seriously.
i was most disgusted to have stumbled across a blog documenting the love life of 13 year old, who apparently plans every single part of her relationships. down to the when she will break romeo's heart and then ask for a patch (during the exam period, using the exams as an excuse), when to let him hold her hand, and when to kiss her. if it were in language that was remotely tasteful i wouldn't have minded so much, and would have laughed the antics of the cunning little vixen off. unfortunately, it wasnt the case and i went to look for another blog to read after the first few paragraphs. what else was there don't ask me, cos i didn't want to read and i don't want to know. *shivers*
forgive me for saying so, but i believe its extremely retarded for a 13 year old or a 14 year old to get involved with someone and then start planning every detail of their time together. sooner or later the other kid is going to feel stifled, and little miss planner is going to find out that one never gets what she wants when she wants it, and when she does, she's going to whine and cry and kick up a fuss (at least i believe a cunning little vixen would do that)
don't 13 year olds have other things to do, like STUDY? foundations are VERY important, as i've found out during my time in sec 3. i nearly went crazy because my foundation for math was weak. what about CCAs? or hobbies? i don't know. i just don't remember myself doing such things when i was younger. boring, maybe, but at least boring gave me ok grades for the o levels. and now i'm enjoying my time at meridian.
anyways, i found out from benny that many of this year's o lvl batch are going to poly cos its more practical. however i found out from my own sources that (yet again) many are going there because they
heard that jc is stressful and because (of course) in jc you have to don a uniform and in poly you don't.
which is totally irrational if you ask me. if you told me you're going to poly because you get better options in the workforce, or because you feel that studying there, where you do things your self suits you, or even because the goverment is supporting polytechnics now i would totally agree that its practical. BUT once you start on poly being less stressful and that you get to wear what you want, or dye your hair whichever colour your prefer then i'd just shake my head and wonder what the world has come to.
as in seriously? because of uniforms? and stress that you haven't even experienced for yourself? both poly and jc are stressful, in their own ways. just because you wake up later for school doesn't mean there is less stress you know.
i don't mean to start the whole poly-jc debate afresh, but i do think that both poly and jc have their own benefits, depending on what you are aiming to do in the future.
see, if one plans to go to university in the shortest possible time, its obvious that jc would be a better choice. it is the shortest path to U, and of course, that comes with a price. longer hours at school, more blood, more sweat and less sleep (hence the myth that jc students are all dull boys and girls who are so stressed that they have to mug more to get rid of it *wry smile*).
BUT you one plans to take their time to get to university, or even not to go to university, then polytechnic would be a better choice. 3 years, with independant study, after which you receive a diploma and either enter the workforce, or continue your studies, an option which jc students do not have. but it also comes with a price, choosing your career path when you're sec 4 which, can be a risky thing to do, depending on the maturity of the individual. some do it succesfully and build a great career, but others choose blindly and are end up doing something they despise for the rest of their life for the sake of earning money.
and i do think that both poly and jc students have fun at work. not just the former. i, for one, have enjoyed my time in jc so far, and the only regret i have is that there's only 1 year left which will pass faster than this year has. i've forged close bonds, done things that i never thought i'd do before, and laughed the hardest i've ever had in school, all in uniform. sure, i need to work hard to get as decent grades as i can(which i don't always get haha) and i don't have as much time to party or have fun as some of my friends, but at least, i'm having fun at what i do.
so i would like to tell my juniors, think carefully about what you want to do in future. don't ask others what you should do, but think carefully and reflect on what you truly want to do, and make the best decision you can. at least you won't be left wondering "what if" when time comes. =)
i feel as if i could go on forever but my pinkie has cramped up, so i shall stop. heippa
marlz
12/13/2005 09:35:00 ap.
sunnuntai, joulukuuta 11, 2005
genting
Band Number 3
Set Piece: Singapore Rhapsody Movement 2 - 443/500
Choice Piece: Noah's Ark - 453/500
Medal:
GOLD WITH DISTINCTIONthe genting trip was unbelievable, in so many ways. unbelievably great at some points, unbelievably sad at others and unbelievably boring even! but i think overall it was superb. better than i ever thought it would be. even with that person around whom everyone hated. pooh.
i shall not delve into boring stuff and details that'll set anyone to sleep, but i shall recount a little about the competition day and the day after which were the most emotionally charged bits of the entire trip.
wednesday was our com day and we totally rocked the convention centre with noah's ark and singapore rhapsody. we evoked the appropriate mood and everything just fell into place well, ESPECIALLY the storm. i was totally calm until we actually went on stage, and then i played the best i could. but somehow i screwed up the noah's ark bit at song of hope and fabian choked there as well so i was really very bummed after the whole thing. later on we went to check out the other bands, and i was pretty impressed by the sabah chinese high school who played oregon. unfortunately the adjudicators took some time to deliberate, so all of us were given time off until the evening when the announcement of the results.
until then me and cherri went off for some retail therapy to keep our moodiness at bay, and finally the results were about to be out.
paulina and some others, including me were teary even before the results were announced, because we received news from ms sia that we exceeded performance time by (get this) 7 seconds. so we were penalized 5% off the total score. was i bummed or was i bummed. initially, we screamed with joy because we got a gold medal, but when the top 5 bands came out and we were 2nd to orchid park, i just gaped at the screen in disbelief. and when i came out of the hall, i broke down on darling wenqi's shoulder. i was angry and i was sad. and i was disappointed. and the whole band was angry and many had broken down as well. almost everyone was crying, save for few, who had no tears to shed, but were very angry and disappointed.
i must say i love wenqi and cherri so much for taking care of me at my lowest point in the trip. even felix gave me an encouraging pat on the back, and kinlok gave me tissue. aft that we gathered at the lobby after the friendship concert where SOMEBODY made us feel worse and the exco and other people who talked made us feel so much better.
the day after was presentation, and there was this surprise during the closing ceremony. the upgraded all golds to gold with distinction and gave silvers golds. i was happy for hai sing who got a gold in the end. and then they showed the raw score minus penalty. i could've sworn that orchid park gaped at us when they showed our raw score of 89.6% with scores of 453/500 and 443/500 for the pieces. thats like almost 90%. i was ecstatic that they revealed who was the real best band. i believe our screams of joy will echo through first world hotel for ever and ever. haha.
overall i must say the trip was very enjoyable, especially with lovely people there. every part of it was memorable. like the dumb shampudding that the cafeteria served everyday. the haunted adventure thing where i chatted with the ghost. singing our individual parts out after lights out with ms sia and trying to match up (or should i say down) to fabian's voice. bubble wrap jokes courtesy of the people on my bus, shopping with cherri, and crashing shahneeza's and shahnaz's rooms at night. looking at the view, and taking in fresh air at the garden. lazing in bed at night. learning and playing the finger game with juling, peiling, deborah and paulina. crashing my drunkard's room! learning about each other and even having differences with each other. and especially being one band. i love mjcsb and all we did during the trip.
did i mention i had dreams about band every single night during the trip? and that i blew all my money on gifts for those at home but felt so happy that i did, even though i didn't manage to buy anything for myself? and that i love mjcsb? haha. i love mjcsb.
esp cherri, my room mate, and wenqi my bestest drunkard, and of course, my section mates, who are all individually beautiful in your own ways, i love you all cos you rock so much!
but i must say i'm happy to be home. i don't think i could spend another day in first world hotel anymore. i've gotten sick of it.
oh well, i have no more to say (unless you want to know more about genting, then ask me online) cos i have to go to school tml and settle some ogl stuff. heippa then
marlz
12/11/2005 11:34:00 ap.
lauantaina, joulukuuta 03, 2005
another dream
i was (again) lying on my bed trying to sleep, and i couldn't. so somehow, my mind ran and ran, on and on. i felt as if i had many different voices whispering different ideas to me at the same time, while everything was silent except for my inner voice. then i tried to stop it and closed my eyes, trying my hardest to sleep. and then this weird story popped into my head.
it went something like this:
once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a land far far away across the wide oceans. she looked like any little girl you could know, and was extremely pretty with white skin as fair as the drifting clouds, and long chestnut locks that tumbled down to her waist. she always wore a white cotton frock, no matter what season, that fell rather short and hung about her knees. but this girl was no ordinary girl, for she never saw or was seen by any person in her lifetime, as she lived on a little stone wedge at the bottom of a well sine beginning of time.
the little well girl could see nothing as she looked up into the light at the top of her humble abode, save for a large shady tree, which dropped sweet apples to her in autumn. so the little well girl passed her time, slowly through decades and centuries on her little well-ledge. during the spring she smelt the first dew in the morning, and the sweet twittering of the birds, and saw the first light of spring break the winter darkness into a bright morning. in the summer, she smelt the heat, the hay and the green, and she loved the beautiful yellow warm sunlight that beat down upon her and made her skin tingle. and in the winter she watched the well water turn to ice, and she slipped off her ledge to walk upon the ice and look up into the grey sky, waiting for the ocassional snowflake that managed to reach her so deep down .
but the little girl loved the autumn most. her little tree would be heavy with fruit and the flesh of the apples it dropped was pure white under its crisp red skin. sometimes she heard laughter and music during the harvest time, and although she was grateful for the ripe red apples that she had, this was the time she most longed to be up in the light, and laugh with the people who visited the well.
the fact is ,the little well girl was lonely. she had no companions, and saw nothing of the outside world. all she knew of it was learnt from the voices, sounds of merrymaking she heard from the inside of her deep well and snatches of old song she had heard a time long ago before the humans came and when the well was made. no one saw her or knew anything of her.
one day as the first snow drifted down from the sky like soft white crytals, the little well girl felt extremely sad. she knew that winter was coming and no one would visit the well, for the water froze over, and she would sit there huddled with her dress wrapped about her, alone, without any voices to accompany her. the little well girl felt so sad, that suddenly she felt a single tear trickle down and freeze in the cold, a tiny sparkling diamond on her white cheek.
the little well girl was surprised, and touched her cheek. never had she heard of this wet drop that fell from her eye from the voices above. she brushed her hands off on her white dress and stood up on her ledge and looked up at the bare tree, standing quietly against the grey sky. the little well girl wanted to know what else she didnt know of that the people above did, for she knew only of the stars, the moon, and the sun and the tree, with its orange, greeen and red leaves.
for the first time in her life, the little well girl felt that she needed to know more. and soon her clear little voice was heard, singing an old song about the lily maidens of Gilsor, until Vigfus, a young village boy passed by and became the first to hear her. Vigfus was alarmed, and peered down into the well and called to the voice.
"Are you trapped? I'll lower a bucket for you," he shouted, waiting for the reply. The little well girl was overjoyed that a mere song could fetch a human. As Vigfus lowered a bucket to her, she held on to it, eager for her first glimpse of the world.
Slowly but surely, Vigfus the village boy drew the little well girl up into the world, and the little well girl held her breath in anticipation, wondering if all she dreamt of it would be true, and soon she got her wish look around outside her well.
Alas, what she saw, saddened her greatly. What the little well girl saw was not a beautiful place, white with winter's jewels but a forlorn, desolate area where the wind blew and howled about her ears. The little well girl climbed out of her well, and felt her heart grow heavier within her, as if it had turned to ice.
Vigfus however, was enchanted by the beautiful little well girl, and found he could hardly speak as he saw her climb out of he bucket he pulled up. He felt as if he had seen an angel come out of the well, and was breathless as he saw her take in the sight around her.
The little well girl, still saddened by her first sight of the world, turned to Vigfus, and thanked him many times for hearing her song, and helping her out of the well, and bid him to take her to the nearest village, and Vigfus did so.
The walk was a long one, but soon enough, Vigfus and the little well girl arrived at the village. The little well girl was delighted to meet people, and everyone she met was enchanted by her and her beauty. The village people held council, and there she sang and told them of old tales of ages past. In the end, the village people agreed that their village head should take her in, and care for her, for it seemed as if she had no kin and as they wished to keep her, for she seemed magical and queer.
Vigfus, throughout the winter, never failed to visit the little well girl, and they spent many a night chatting beside a crackling fire or roaming the woods nearby, and the more he saw her, the dearer she was to his heart.
Day after day, Vigfus and the little well girl spent, and he listened to her tales and songs, and told her of the ways of the world, and even greater grew his love for the little well girl.
One such winter night, as they sat in silence watching the flames with the village head, Vigfus told the little well girl or his love for her, and gave her a little white snow flower he had whittled out for pine wood for her. The little well girl was surprised and did not know how to react, and took the snowflower. Cradling it in her white hands, the little well girl then asked him what love meant. And he told her, love meant deeply caring for and wanting a person. This did not go down well with the little well girl, and she shook her little white head, and told him that she was free and belonged to no one. Vigfus was extremely sad, and village people told the little well girl that he had left the very next day, walking into the dark forest alone.
Upon hearing about this loss of her best friend the little well girl cried out as if in pain, rested her hand on her chest. For the second time, tears trickled down her cheeks and her heart fell heavier than ever.
The little well girl then left the village as well, much to the dismay of the village people who loved her for the gentle ways and for her beauty in both voice and appearance. Love and affection that was present among humans was not for her, she thought and she ventured into the forest, next to the brook that bubbled and sang under the ice.
She played with the animals and birds, and talked to them and learnt their songs.The little well girl was quite content, resting beneath snow laden trees and breathing in the crisp air of the season.
One day, the little well girl saw a deer she had befriended bending over another deer lying on the ground, nuzzling it and approached it to see what was the matter. The little well girl then suddenly heard a loud crack which startled her, and saw the deer fall to the groud, with thud. She ran out to the deer, and was despaired to see her animal friend hurt. Ever so gently she stroked its coat and sang a song to it, and tried her best to nurse it to health.
But try as she might, the little well girl could not revive the deer, and she felt her heart, again grow heavier in her heart for a third time, as she saw the deer slip away in her arms.
Suddenly, the little well girl became aware of the hunter who had shot the deer behind her, and turned quickly to look at him. To her surprise, she saw none other than her dear friend Vigfus. She started, and stared at him, as he took out the white snowflower that she had lost by the brook.
The little well girl was overcome with grief. Her little heart could not comprehend why the same person who loved her could so ruthlessly kill her animal friend, for Vigfus had not told her all that he knew of the world, for fear that sorrow would kill her. Slowly, she took the snowflower into her hands, and many tears now fell onto it as she bent over it, and Vigfus took the fragile little well girl into his arms.
The little well girl started to grow colder and colder in his arms, and after some time, when he noticed the sobs had ceased, he realised that the little well girl had disappeared, and naught was left of her, except for a little snow flower, which had turned into sparkling glass.
Thus the little well girl passed from this world back into the well, with a sorrow-filled heart listening to the voices of people she had grown to love at the top of the well, who forgot her and her songs and tales eventually. And so, the little well girl, with tumbling chestnut locks was never seen again, and only her sweet, clear voice was heard, at the well, singing her mournful song of love and sadness by people at the well.
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weird right? i think i might tell that story to my daughter or son one day. if i have one, as i intend to. haha. A202 knows about that wish now don't they.
my weirdest ideas (also sometimes the best ones) always come to me as i lie on my bed, waiting for sleep to take me, and dreams to sweep me away into worlds unknown.
by the way, my dream last night was just plain weird. i dream of charity, and that she was doing fund raising at the bus interchange (i think that was the place) and then there was this irritating voice chanting "Charity doing charity, Charity doing charity" over and over again. i was rather puzzled when i woke up.
oh well, 1 more day to genting. Hope everything goes well there.
very tired, aft band prac. heippa
marlz
12/03/2005 09:34:00 ap.
perjantaina, joulukuuta 02, 2005
finally
i was pondering last night as i lay on my bed, stoning before i fell asleep, whether i should change my blog, close down my blog or change my blogging style.
i feel intimidated and inferior when i read other blogs. somehow they seem to be superior to mine, so much more coherent and they certainly don't endlessly ramble about their selves and personal lives as i do. even xiaxue, who is highly unreliable to pass on info in her blog because she's too opinionated, seems to blog about issues that are more relevant to society (even though most of the time i think its trash talk, cos it HAS to concern her) than mine.
in fact, i have never understood why people like blogging about "hot" topics. even if they do express their opinion about it and make a good point in the process, i don't think that their words would have effect on anything. they are WORDS after all. words don't get you anywhere, unless you're a jounalist or a famous writer. otherwise, they don't change things.
and half the time, they end up getting flamed, jailed or are told to close down their blog because they did express their opinion. so far, i've been very lucky, cos no one has even posted "i hate you" or "go and die you ugly friendless toad you" messages on my tagboard, or as a comment. so i know i'm determined not to talk about anything political, or sensitive, unless i feel that my fingers are itchy and that i cannot contain my anger about it anymore, like my post about the terrorism issue. even then, i tried to be as diplomatic as possible.
but the question lies here. am i being too personal when i blog. i'm afraid of people reading my blog, even though the main purpose of a blog is to braodcast your feelings to the whole wide world. i find that i've always blogged for myself and no one else, so i blog as if no one else is reading except for me. and even if i do leave a message in a post, i don't expect anyone to respond, because i believe no one would give a hoot about my daily dose of love. and don't ask me to keep a diary because i believe typing is so much easier as compared to writing. as a blogger, i've got terrible language and a horribly laid back style. i'm not fulfilling what bloggers are reputed to be. the online journalists of the future. so i really don't know whether to close down my blog or not.
i like blogging i really do. but suddenly feel as i'm not up to it, as some people are. especially when i blog hop as see what a marvellous job others are making of it. i'm here stuck in rut, and basically, just telling the world what i love and want i don't. as if anyone would care. my blog won't do anything except to help me feel better at the end of the day, when i just have to let off some steam.
i might move to a new adress? i don't know. i'm still undecided about that.
bleah. now that i've contemplated closing down my blog i feel mighty depressed. i like my style. but i really don't quite know how to go about this problem. to close down, move away or just remain and look like a fool?
marlz
12/02/2005 01:18:00 ip.
emotions
you know i'm sad when
- i ignore you and don't talk to anyone
- i look depressed all day, yet tell you everything is ok when i don't look as if they are
- i avoid everyone and sit by myself somewhere isolated until late into the evening
you know i'm happy when
- i don't know what to say
- i have the faintest teeniest smile on my face, and when you look at me directly i'll flash you a humongous one
- i'm breathless and i dance around to the places that i want to go
you know i'm angry when
- i tell you not to piss me off
- i walk away mid conversation
- i look angry haha
you know i'm stressed when
- you see tears running down my cheeks and don't know the reason for it
- my hair is a terrible mess and i don't even bother to make it look decent
- while doing work, i frown and suddenly give up and storm off
you know i'm contented when
- i hum to myself some band song
- i crack lame jokes and call you names
- i happily decide to do econs homework and clean my room
you know i'm lonely/pining when
- you see me hurrying home, and taking pains to be alone even though i'm lonely
- a nod, a shake, an odd yes or no is all you'll get out of me when we converse
- i stone during class/band prac/lectures/recess
3 people i want to do this lil quiz
- vanessa tan guan hui aka i love the ulu tam-pines!
- ms huda who lives across the street from me (because you owe me one for doing your quiz some time ago)
- cherri =)
12/02/2005 12:53:00 ip.
torstaina, joulukuuta 01, 2005
lightning
isn't it strange how we always say "today's going to be a long day" if something unpleasant is lined up for us, but the next thing we know, we are awake in our beds the morning after, scratching our heads and wondering how the day passed by so quickly.
indeed, it is rare that i have a slow day nowadays. no matter how unpleasant it is, it always passes quicker that i would like it to. its as if i'm watching my life on fast forward. i wake in the morning, everything passes so quickly that its a blur, and then its evening, and i've plonked myself in front of the computer. its like what säsä said once. today is sauna day(friday), and then its suddenly the virallinen sauna päivä again. you start wondering where the rest of the week that was in between went.
its so different from secondary school. days seemed longer, and things were somehow slower. i get less tired, and was less out of breath. and somehow friends seemed to be forever. and i hardly see them anymore, because i'm so caught up with whats going on in school.
what brought about this reflection was me clicking on the song by dishwalla, angels and devils, on my computer and listening to it. i remember that jake intro-ed to me some time back.
if there is any song that can make my stomach feel funny and my heart somehow heavier, its that one.
suddenly, i feel this overwhelming nostalgia come over me. its my official theme song. its MINE. ok and jake's. haha. cos he intro-ed to me in the first place and made me fall in love with it. but otherwise its MINE!
suddenly i feel depressed. shall go indulge in sleep. i'm tired. as usual.
heippa then.
marlz
12/01/2005 01:14:00 ip.