I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

tiistaina, elokuuta 30, 2005

realisation

with night, with the falling darkness and silence, came realisation. so unpleasant was it, that no one else but me could have a notion or even begin to fathom what the mix of sensations felt like.

i failed myself.

i did not partake in the silent battle that followed the setting of the sun. i merely sat there and pondered on my fate. of things to come. and as i heard the steady breathing of the rest who slept peacefully, i realised i don't know.

i don't know.

the heady perfume that permeated my room made things no easier. i want to know. my curiosity knows no bounds, but it is limited by boundaries that i set for myself. no. not one and the same. separate entities altogether.

cool wind blowing. fluttering of brand new curtains. tousled hair. makes no difference. it only give me painful remiders of my ignorance. why, why won't they let me know. why. i want to. damn it. i want to.

toss, turn, sigh. the fact remains that i don't. it pains me. disappoints me. i see no point in what i do. what i live for. why live if you don't know what for, if not for the fact that you have to because your lungs do not fail to function, your heart fails not to pump despite the lack of knowledge.

blink. peering out into the dark world i try to ask myself what i feel. i'm uncertain. i look into the horizon, and see no bends in the road, but straight, stretching far into the sunset, as if i'm doomed to walk it till i cease to exist.

i think therefore i am

crap. all of it. why think, if you do not know. i want to know. but it is forbidden for me to know. why why.

doubts. everywhere. with every minuscale movement i make, i hear them crying out. tell me tell me. and i feel like yelling, screaming. why, when i do not possess the knowledge that you seek? how can i enlighten you, tell you, if i myself do not know?

so i stayed home today to study econs. did 2 topics in the aftnoon. but why. sure, i learn i absorb, but am i sure what i learn now, what i know is what i seek, what will satisfy me, what will let me love, what will make me happy.

i gaze at the faraway lights, hazy and dim. i must recount. in all that i've gone through recently, i realise that i distrust myself. i hear a resounding internal no that persists everytime i wish to venture somewhere, do something, see something. is it intuition or "gut feeling"? or is it lack of confidence. do i think i'm too fragile, that i need guidance. or have i been residing for too long a time in my comfort zone. do i need something new. i don't trust myself to love, those whom i have not loved before. have i found a friend that i truly love as a friend in this past year. no. have i found something that i'm passionate about in the past year. no. have i loved anything in the past year. again no. it seems that i've lost my capacity to commit fully to something. anything. to love that something. i can't do it anymore. i can't i can't. the furthest i've gone is liking.

perhaps thats why. thats why i can't say things that i used to say. overcome things that i used to overcome. do things that i used to do. i retract, pull back into myself, curl my soul into a ball, entrap myself in a place where i won't hear anyone, but one voice singing solo. so dead is that tune, so mournful, so deathlike, i wish to find the source and get rid of it. i look. and all i hear is myself. me. i'm singing alone, and i'm the cause of it.

WHY

i've failed myself.

marlz

ps. if you don't understand this post then don't attempt to. i won't open up. i won't tell. the last time i did, i got into a heck of a load of trouble. no more. i can't. i can't trust.

the dance of peasants at the end of fall is but a prelude to the sorrow and solitude of winter

tiistaina, elokuuta 30, 2005

realisation

8/30/2005 11:29:00 ap.

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