I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, heinäkuuta 04, 2005
kisses.
i know the feeling of being bestowed a million butterfly kisses. a glowing warmth that you feel from deep within, and you know that you're loved. but no one is there. you just know. it feels weird to say it.it sounds weird when said. but there you go. i'm weird.
i've been told that toying with emotions are wrong, but i still find cause to toy with my own emotions. and i hurt myself, damage myself. feel the immense pain that comes from that excruciating sweetness because you peer into a room, so close. so close to knowing. i want to know, but i fear to know. what if, things aren't like they seem? once i achieve that still moment, will things move around me, oblivious to my stillness? will i be able to move anymore? will i want to move?
i can't take it when someone puts it into her head to become censorious, when it was never in her nature in the first place. immense rage. fire courses through my veins. its said i'm still flimsy inside, and i just close my eyes, shutting out the sights and sounds of a warzone. but i want to believe i'm as hardy as any titan that walked the earth. that i can open my eyes and look at the point of the musket without flinching.
some people are spoiled and whine at the slightest setback. they think they are doing good by whining, complaining, getting something better for the rest of us. but they have forgotten, or feign ignorance, that with every being that is spoiled, so are the feelings of another being.
which brings me to the next question. are feelings important at all? they aren't anymore. in this age of information, of science, of machines, we take humans to be machines. feelings are disregarded. should they? is that natural, and expected.
even the meditative poet and greatest philosopher find that life is void, and is lived only because of the after life. the wish to know what happens after. one who seeks suicide is one who seeks liberation. has anyone been on the brink and back, and knew what it feels like. seeing the freedom so nearby, yet so far down. the tale is that those who commit it don't have freedom, but neverending suffering. but how can they know, if it hasn't happened to them. it is weird that people think they know, when they don't, actually. they parrot what others say. its senseless.
when should one retreat, instead of going forward? and when should one go forward instead of retreat?
marlz
7/04/2005 02:40:00 ap.