I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, heinäkuuta 22, 2005
heh
after my brush with those familiar feelings of heavy heartedness yesterday i resolved to be happy and sunshiney and GOOD today for reasons that are quite public by this point in time. as a result, i do believe i succeeded in annoying some in being TOO sunshiney. you can't please everyone you know.
but with a plop, that organ of feeling descended into my boots again. it is getting to me you know, not my mediocre results, but rather, the promos peeking at me from the corner. how else but by feeling stressed can i feel? i just feel so unprepared and stupid. and yes, definitely more of the latter than the former. i try to cope, yes i do, but i can't help but feel what i feel and thus if i just turn quiet all of a sudden, its because i've just reminded myself of the nearness of the promotional examinations.
i can't help but stand in awe of what i see painted in the night sky. to say tonight was positively beautiful would be an understatement. i had wished to blog about it but i guess words fail me now, when i think back about it.
ms lim left today. she's been one of the nicer tutors that we had, though i wasn't really a great fan of her before the midyears. on my part a goodbye that i handled well. i do believe (or would like to, at any rate) that i handle goodbyes well. i recall having no problems saying goodbye to my family when setting off last year all on my own, though i do admit that i kinda felt like i was off tangent for a whole week because of a sudden change in atmostphere without the people i am so familiar with. i handle all but one goodbye well.
the one person i can never say goodbye to without having tears flowing down my face is my säsä (grandfather). for some reason, i just feel so sad leaving, and i even sobbed at the airport when i called him on the date of my departure. i start missing every part of him at just a wave of the hand. how he manages to say all words in a minute of silence. how he ruffles my hair. how he smells. how he says things that are true but somehow sound as if they are a bluff. how he makes fun of me and says the weirdest things like " the macaroni you eat grows in fields in italy and they sway as the breeze caresses their stalks". how he does things just to spite isoäiti. how he makes his porridge in the morning. how he buys lil treats for me everytime he goes out, lil surprises that make me feel so special. how we sit watching maxwell smart and laugh at the same jokes. how he tells his jokes over and over again and they still make me laugh like there's no tomorrow. yes i miss everything when i lose sight of him. and now i miss him as i sit here and type about him. i wish i could see him. everyday, every hour, every minute and not have the feeling that i will lose sight of him. *sighs* yes i wish, but circumstances do not allow it, so i will have to just think and be contented with his memory while he is far away.
king lear presentation. i actually read the book this morning again on the bus to school, and thought i liked it, until i recalled how nauseating the thought of having to read it for the presentation was the night before. so i snapped the book shut a bit too violently and drew a whole lot of unwanted attention to myself. irksome staring strangers.
many things to mull over. especially about lit. i love lit, really i do, but sometimes i just need a break from it. too many thoughts bombard me at one time and send me reeling because of their combined force. econs is so dead in comparison. and, i guess, thats i scored higher for econs than for lit. really surprised when i found out. take a lit free day to set my thoughts straight and right myself again. if not i believe i'll go even more crazy (or "grazy", like janna's friends and suvi lemetyinen like to say) than i am now. hey, it was considered a female malady at some point in time, so i am allowed to be nuts awhile you know.
aches everywhere. to bend and pick up my bag from the floor has become agony. muhadher is so nice, he helps me do it when he lines up behind me. thanks adher =) your kindness is much appreciated.
so yes, back to king lear and the great tragedy of having ingrates for children. no time to dawdle.
who is deemed to have a right to their own life?
be good ppl,
toodles~
7/22/2005 01:43:00 ip.