marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, heinäkuuta 22, 2005
heh
after my brush with those familiar feelings of heavy heartedness yesterday i resolved to be happy and sunshiney and GOOD today for reasons that are quite public by this point in time. as a result, i do believe i succeeded in annoying some in being TOO sunshiney. you can't please everyone you know.
but with a plop, that organ of feeling descended into my boots again. it is getting to me you know, not my mediocre results, but rather, the promos peeking at me from the corner. how else but by feeling stressed can i feel? i just feel so unprepared and stupid. and yes, definitely more of the latter than the former. i try to cope, yes i do, but i can't help but feel what i feel and thus if i just turn quiet all of a sudden, its because i've just reminded myself of the nearness of the promotional examinations.
i can't help but stand in awe of what i see painted in the night sky. to say tonight was positively beautiful would be an understatement. i had wished to blog about it but i guess words fail me now, when i think back about it.
ms lim left today. she's been one of the nicer tutors that we had, though i wasn't really a great fan of her before the midyears. on my part a goodbye that i handled well. i do believe (or would like to, at any rate) that i handle goodbyes well. i recall having no problems saying goodbye to my family when setting off last year all on my own, though i do admit that i kinda felt like i was off tangent for a whole week because of a sudden change in atmostphere without the people i am so familiar with. i handle all but one goodbye well.
the one person i can never say goodbye to without having tears flowing down my face is my säsä (grandfather). for some reason, i just feel so sad leaving, and i even sobbed at the airport when i called him on the date of my departure. i start missing every part of him at just a wave of the hand. how he manages to say all words in a minute of silence. how he ruffles my hair. how he smells. how he says things that are true but somehow sound as if they are a bluff. how he makes fun of me and says the weirdest things like " the macaroni you eat grows in fields in italy and they sway as the breeze caresses their stalks". how he does things just to spite isoäiti. how he makes his porridge in the morning. how he buys lil treats for me everytime he goes out, lil surprises that make me feel so special. how we sit watching maxwell smart and laugh at the same jokes. how he tells his jokes over and over again and they still make me laugh like there's no tomorrow. yes i miss everything when i lose sight of him. and now i miss him as i sit here and type about him. i wish i could see him. everyday, every hour, every minute and not have the feeling that i will lose sight of him. *sighs* yes i wish, but circumstances do not allow it, so i will have to just think and be contented with his memory while he is far away.
king lear presentation. i actually read the book this morning again on the bus to school, and thought i liked it, until i recalled how nauseating the thought of having to read it for the presentation was the night before. so i snapped the book shut a bit too violently and drew a whole lot of unwanted attention to myself. irksome staring strangers.
many things to mull over. especially about lit. i love lit, really i do, but sometimes i just need a break from it. too many thoughts bombard me at one time and send me reeling because of their combined force. econs is so dead in comparison. and, i guess, thats i scored higher for econs than for lit. really surprised when i found out. take a lit free day to set my thoughts straight and right myself again. if not i believe i'll go even more crazy (or "grazy", like janna's friends and suvi lemetyinen like to say) than i am now. hey, it was considered a female malady at some point in time, so i am allowed to be nuts awhile you know.
aches everywhere. to bend and pick up my bag from the floor has become agony. muhadher is so nice, he helps me do it when he lines up behind me. thanks adher =) your kindness is much appreciated.
so yes, back to king lear and the great tragedy of having ingrates for children. no time to dawdle.
who is deemed to have a right to their own life?
be good ppl,
toodles~
7/22/2005 01:43:00 ip.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 21, 2005
did you say cry?
i let my blog stagnate again. darn. i need to blog i need to blog i need to blog. and desperately damn it!
yes yes, a flurry of activity in school. lo and behold, our weeks are already flying past. the count down to promos has started and that means the dreadful r-word.
my mom has to come down to school to see the teacher abt the results. hah. find it quite amusing, especially since its the first time. i don't know what will happen, i hope nothing bad. for sure i know that nothing good will happen. don't know if i'll find things as amusing during the meeting.
a colossal pile of work has started piling on the study table. and a rushed presentation took place today. which i got a wee bit upset over, and i think its the lack of blogging. but nice people in the class make you cheer faster. i think i've a headache from all the fretting. no. i haven't stopped fretting, would be more accurate. one more presentation to go. anyways, nice people in the class make you smile. thanks a202 for the kind words, tissue, smiles, for patting my back and for the friendly punches. and if i was harsh because i wished not elaborate (yes, i mean you Anand) when you asked what was wrong and whether i was ok, then i'm sorry. i just needed my space that all. oh AND we made the teacher think, she said she hadn't thought about our theory. hah. don't know if thats bad or good, but i think our group did well.
lets not make our hearts heavy with light issues.
talking abt a202 reminds me of the 2 budding philosophers we have in class:
Janna -
you may like mnms, but you can look at other chocolate too (with regards to chummies and eye candy)
Muhadher -
when something has gone, let it pass (he was talking abt undone work, and not doing it since it was long ago when he was supposed to)
signing, or rather, sign language is fun. no more sessions though.
cherri and me are in the same room thanks to a swap with bao lun and wenqi. i wish i wish that wenqi is my neighbour room, can get high together. a bit sad that some people can't make it (year 2s). i know it'll be fun, but it'll be more fun with them along. i guess we'll have to make do with what we have.
band pracs are getting tiring these days. nothing but national day stuff. and no ms sia. its different from crestwinds days. we practised many things on the same day, made things more interesting. now i'm stuck with noah's ark ringing in my head. the last time i had something ringing in my head was when i was studying for o levels. brandenburg concerto number 2. hah. darn. i wish i hadn't typed that, i can feel the thing starting to ring all over again. after all that trouble of getting rid of it.
been rushing here and there i can't help but flop on my bed and pass out at night. i've passed out on my work on a few occasions, to wake up at 2 am and realise that my work is not done and my lights are still own. i'm seriously considering getting my hands on some caffeine pills.
PW's driving me to the edge, but i've a strong feeling that its normal. so i shan't rant about that. perhaps rant is too strong a word. hmm.
words just can't convey enough, because they fail you. or perhaps its just my very bad language. whoever marked my lit paper circled 3 paragraphs and wrote in
bold CAPITALS another dreaded-r word : RAMBLING. thats definitely a first. it annoys me that i know not what words to use to describe my thoughts. even the econs marker turned into a gp tutor for a moment. "Not quite correct phrasing" next to a number of my sentences.
like i said, i'm doomed to be stupid the rest of my life, no matter how much i try. stupid stupid lor, what to do...
morning bus rides are a pleasure. cold air, grey skies, and wind. ribbons of green running through the tree tops. quite calming. a great change from the noisy, vibrant atmosphere in the mj compound. the first thing that i notice everytime i step through the gate is how it teems with life. quiet or noisy? i can't choose i can't choose.
i'm going nuts. for real.
no, really.
REALLY.
one more presentation to go *sighs* King Lear. have to handle by this saturday. bleah.
did i say cry?
7/21/2005 09:25:00 ap.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 14, 2005
FOO fighters
its been a teeny bit too long for me not to blog. i must admit that it was quite alarming to click on my own blog link and find it stagnant, because i can't remember when i last did blog, and thought it was quite recent. hah. my memory is going, if not it just means that my brains are liquified. between the devil and deep blue sea eh. bleah.
anyways, my scripts look like a massacre occured when the teachers marked them, and the exam results came out terrible. but i am happy that i did not get an F for Econs. must be the studying. found out that the problem with my essays are that i don't organize them properly and don't use the right words or expressions, and so the marker can't possibly give me marks. i'm not distraught or anything, but definitely i think i could do better, considering that i mugged through the hols. perhaps i'm just stupid. so i'm just going to plod on like all stupid people do.
so its back to the mundane : SCHOOL. the timetable is positively ridiculous, and when teachers don't come its even worse. tomorrow i have 2 morning lessons. then 7 free periods before 1 tutorial, recess and PE. yep. 7 FREE PERIODS. gdness knows what i'll do in that time. get someone to stone me to death out of sheer boredom. BUT i won't complain abt the timetable, simply because its going to affect all other classes should the timetabling com decide to change it. no room to be selfish, so we just have to bear it and grin. can't say that all have the same view as me though. some people are just adamant when it comes to that topic. no prizes for guessing who.
something has brightened my weeks a lil bit. one is the mass signing project that i've signed up for and the other thing is band. the mass signing project is so uber cool i can't imagine why some people dropped out. it might just be me, because i've always had this special place in my heart for deaf people. even more special than for the blind. i couldn't imagine being deaf for a moment, so i decided to join because i wanted to learn a little about the ways to communicate with these individuals. and its definitely a plus since the instructors are so nice and patient while we learn. the hours are long and it takes a whole load of practice to sign at the correct speed, or the speed of normal speech and singing, but its worth it. *smiles*
band. haha. did i mention that i got the part for Noah's Ark correct at last? i need to sound better, but i've gotten the rhythm right, which is a great relief. vincent is conducting for the national day thing, find it quite funny. but he's good and i think he'll do super. other than that, there's nothing more to say about band. but i'm, happy going.
many fun things have happened this week and also many events that tried to be fun but weren't happened too. at least i had the chance to laugh heartily and smile widely. too tired to blog about anything worth blogging, my eyelids are going to need toothpicks to prop them up soon. anyways, wishing all peeps out there a nice week and weekend. toodles~
marlz
7/14/2005 01:50:00 ip.
maanantaina, heinäkuuta 04, 2005
kisses.
i know the feeling of being bestowed a million butterfly kisses. a glowing warmth that you feel from deep within, and you know that you're loved. but no one is there. you just know. it feels weird to say it.it sounds weird when said. but there you go. i'm weird.
i've been told that toying with emotions are wrong, but i still find cause to toy with my own emotions. and i hurt myself, damage myself. feel the immense pain that comes from that excruciating sweetness because you peer into a room, so close. so close to knowing. i want to know, but i fear to know. what if, things aren't like they seem? once i achieve that still moment, will things move around me, oblivious to my stillness? will i be able to move anymore? will i want to move?
i can't take it when someone puts it into her head to become censorious, when it was never in her nature in the first place. immense rage. fire courses through my veins. its said i'm still flimsy inside, and i just close my eyes, shutting out the sights and sounds of a warzone. but i want to believe i'm as hardy as any titan that walked the earth. that i can open my eyes and look at the point of the musket without flinching.
some people are spoiled and whine at the slightest setback. they think they are doing good by whining, complaining, getting something better for the rest of us. but they have forgotten, or feign ignorance, that with every being that is spoiled, so are the feelings of another being.
which brings me to the next question. are feelings important at all? they aren't anymore. in this age of information, of science, of machines, we take humans to be machines. feelings are disregarded. should they? is that natural, and expected.
even the meditative poet and greatest philosopher find that life is void, and is lived only because of the after life. the wish to know what happens after. one who seeks suicide is one who seeks liberation. has anyone been on the brink and back, and knew what it feels like. seeing the freedom so nearby, yet so far down. the tale is that those who commit it don't have freedom, but neverending suffering. but how can they know, if it hasn't happened to them. it is weird that people think they know, when they don't, actually. they parrot what others say. its senseless.
when should one retreat, instead of going forward? and when should one go forward instead of retreat?
marlz
7/04/2005 02:40:00 ap.
the end
*breathes*
i feel so liberated from my self imposed pressure. its the end. after all the mugging and slogging i'm free from the mid years. and i can finally BREATHE. and then go back to more mugging and slogging for the promos. i can feel them coming, but i shall ignore that and concentrate on things that need attention first. like pw. i'd say examinations is the lesser of the 2 evils, but have to concentrate on pw also. its called being left no other choice.
vanessa, nurc, rad, justin, ah long (andy) and i went over to mr rolls royce's (ewis) house for a movie marathon on thursday (aft goth paper). so it wasn't really a movie marathon, or we would have had to camp there to finish, but we managed to watch mr and mrs smith, thanks to ah long. and yes, there was the background laughing and clapping, as well as the effects of a camera man with shaky hands, AND very interesting english subtitles which sounded as if Nancy Lam came up with them. but it made the experience merrier and we laughed like we didn't laugh before examinations.
my verdict on the examinations themselves. i think i've screwed up totally, and if there is any more room for screwing up then i'll be very surprised.
1. geography : the nightmare paper. sediment cells came out and i was very very hazy on that one. so you can imagine what happened. i managed to write something, and i pray that i scrape through. whatever. i know that i'm prepared to slog more for geog now. darn.
2. econs. having spent almost my entire hols cramming for econs, i did manage to write alot. problem is, i didn't have time to finish. i wonder how that will work out. i finished the MCQ, though i found many parts tricky, and i hardly finished the DRQ. see how it goes, i hope my cramming for it has payed off.
3. literature. paper 1 was ok, i guess. i'm not sure if i drew enough attention to the language used in the text, cos the question asked specifically for that, but i did discuss that. paper 4 (goth) was ok since Frankenstein came out, i didn't really get where to apply the gothic conventions, but i somehow got them into my essay anyways. paper 8 was better than i expected, though my class said that it was terrible. anyways, i think i felt that way because of the senior's help for paper 8(joel and jun yang) especially jun yang's last minute coaching on slims and specs and him explaining to me how to write the essay. he even gave me some of his notes, which helped me tremendously. thank you very much to the both of you. *beams* i really appreciate the help, since i really needed it.
so thats what i survived last week, been rough at some points, but i hope that i get sympathy marks and manage to scrape through, even though i know for sure that i'm dead. to err is human, but to forgive, well...it isn't exactly the college tutor's policy to do that.
but the exam period has let me know a little more about my class. for one i know they always talk about other things outside the exam hall aka slaughter house, never about the subject that they are sitting for. i also know that they are fond of sitting down somewhere to cram, but eventually end up not cramming. and i know that they are kind enough to call someone before we have to enter the exam hall if they haven't reached school or aren't anywhere in sight yet. and the things they say...
"no i can't learn the cheer, its too long for me to remember" vanessa, about the bimbo cheer
"i don't know what colour. orange? where got pink? come on" alan, when asked what colour his ice kachang was.
"eh, what's the format for lit paper 4 ar? you roughly confirm got one context question or not?" muhadher, just before the paper.
"i feel so uncanny," ah long, on watching gay anime
its contextual humour and those who weren't there won't get it, but i type for the sake of typing. ok lar, i don't have enough space. but the exam week was fun, though i thought it wouldn't be. i doubt it would be so with other classmates.
the mambo jambo is hardly one. sigh. toodles~
marlz
7/04/2005 01:46:00 ap.