I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

lauantaina, kesäkuuta 25, 2005

study

i was most surprised and very pleased when i was informed (by a very reliable source), that person N, a friend i know from council, has me on his much treasured 'chick list'. so someone in this world actually believes that i'm somehow pretty enough to be called a chick. i know no one will agree with him, but i sure do feel a lot better about my looks. i don't know which part of me is pretty, and i seriously doubt that any part of me is pretty, but hey someone else thinks i am, so i'm quite happy about that. i most certainly made me smile very very very widely. so sweeeeeet. i know person N doesn't read this, but thank you, you've made me the happiest girl in the world yesterday. my little cup of happiness was overflowing. *blushes and smiles*

i wish i could say the same for today. nope. i'm not in that good a mood.

met nurc and rad today to study lit. the studying was ok i guess, but the company was great. did both frankie and lear, but i guess we covered more of lear than frankie. i must admit we moved at snail's pace, but at least we did get something done. it seems that i have spent most of my holidays studying econs, at the expense of my other subjects, but i do hope i don't fail to badly.

yes, i predict i will fail. i hope i won't, i pray i won't. but i have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'm not prepared. definitely not. and i think i will fail, even though i've become a muggeroid. darn. this is not working.

my mind (wherever it is) has not stopped wandering to the questions that i have been thinking about recently. it is most frustrating, because everytime i think of an answer, i stop short and i think that is not possible. but why is it not possible? because i think so, or i believe so? or is it because what i've experienced so far? so will i know the answers, ever? i do want to know. i want to know so badly that it paralyses me in a way. all my thoughts are focused on the whys and hows, that i can't help but think otherwise.

sometimes, i can't help but think that i'm really losing my marbles. i wonder why i let invisible forces control me. i start thinking that life is nothing but a bad dream, with people drifting in and out of it as they choose.

how do you know that it isn't a stage, as shakespeare claims? a neverending play, where you are one of the 'drifters'. that you drift in and out of the main character's life? how do you know that you aren't the main character? or someone who is part of the sub plot? or perhaps a single note in symphony, that just exists for that point in time, for the pleasure of others? that everything goes according to plan, by the script? how do you KNOW. its a matter of knowing. i want to know. but i can't, i can't. and it frustrates me so.

it as if i just opened my eyes. all i've been doing all this time is so mechanical, without really wondering why i exist. i simply assumed that there must be a reason, and i regret my complacency in doing so. what if i don't exist for any reason? what if my existance as i see it, is nothing at all? i know i exist, that is true, but what if the figure i have, the looks i have are nothing but a figment of my imagination.

and i go on and on in a roundabout way of thinking, trying to find an answer, but arriving at the same place that i started. i want to KNOW. why. why is this and why is that. how is this and how is that. i frustrate myself. i almost wish i didn't want to know, that i just went on again mechanically, but i can't. because i see things differently know. so very differently. someone help me, i need help. really.

*deep sigh* i think i'm losing it, really really losing it.

i guess i better sleep, its the only way i can stop myself from brooding my night away.

i wish i knew someone with all the answers

toodles~

marlz

lauantaina, kesäkuuta 25, 2005

study

6/25/2005 12:42:00 ip.

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