marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 25, 2005
study
i was most surprised and very pleased when i was informed (by a very reliable source), that person N, a friend i know from council, has me on his much treasured 'chick list'. so someone in this world actually believes that i'm somehow pretty enough to be called a chick. i know no one will agree with him, but i sure do feel a lot better about my looks. i don't know which part of me is pretty, and i seriously doubt that any part of me is pretty, but hey someone else thinks i am, so i'm quite happy about that. i most certainly made me smile very very very widely. so sweeeeeet. i know person N doesn't read this, but thank you, you've made me the happiest girl in the world yesterday. my little cup of happiness was overflowing. *blushes and smiles*
i wish i could say the same for today. nope. i'm not in that good a mood.
met nurc and rad today to study lit. the studying was ok i guess, but the company was great. did both frankie and lear, but i guess we covered more of lear than frankie. i must admit we moved at snail's pace, but at least we did get something done. it seems that i have spent most of my holidays studying econs, at the expense of my other subjects, but i do hope i don't fail to badly.
yes, i predict i will fail. i hope i won't, i pray i won't. but i have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'm not prepared. definitely not. and i think i will fail, even though i've become a muggeroid. darn. this is not working.
my mind (wherever it is) has not stopped wandering to the questions that i have been thinking about recently. it is most frustrating, because everytime i think of an answer, i stop short and i think that is not possible. but why is it not possible? because i think so, or i believe so? or is it because what i've experienced so far? so will i know the answers, ever? i do want to know. i want to know so badly that it paralyses me in a way. all my thoughts are focused on the whys and hows, that i can't help but think otherwise.
sometimes, i can't help but think that i'm really losing my marbles. i wonder why i let invisible forces control me. i start thinking that life is nothing but a bad dream, with people drifting in and out of it as they choose.
how do you know that it isn't a stage, as shakespeare claims? a neverending play, where you are one of the 'drifters'. that you drift in and out of the main character's life? how do you know that you aren't the main character? or someone who is part of the sub plot? or perhaps a single note in symphony, that just exists for that point in time, for the pleasure of others? that everything goes according to plan, by the script? how do you KNOW. its a matter of knowing. i want to know. but i can't, i can't. and it frustrates me so.
it as if i just opened my eyes. all i've been doing all this time is so mechanical, without really wondering why i exist. i simply assumed that there must be a reason, and i regret my complacency in doing so. what if i don't exist for any reason? what if my existance as i see it, is nothing at all? i know i exist, that is true, but what if the figure i have, the looks i have are nothing but a figment of my imagination.
and i go on and on in a roundabout way of thinking, trying to find an answer, but arriving at the same place that i started. i want to KNOW. why. why is this and why is that. how is this and how is that. i frustrate myself. i almost wish i didn't want to know, that i just went on again mechanically, but i can't. because i see things differently know. so very differently. someone help me, i need help. really.
*deep sigh* i think i'm losing it, really really losing it.
i guess i better sleep, its the only way i can stop myself from brooding my night away.
i wish i knew someone with all the answerstoodles~
marlz
6/25/2005 12:42:00 ip.
perjantaina, kesäkuuta 24, 2005
red hot chilli peppers
i'm quite thankful that my post titles aren't shown on my blog. they have to be the most uncreative of the lot and i put them there only for my own sake. never understood why there has to be titles for posts.
didn't go to school today. after what happened yesterday, i sort of have a phobia of school, so i've decided to find other locations that serve the same purpose : allow me to study.
happy that i trimmed my hair. is much nicer to wash now. at least my hair isn't being a pain back where the sun don't shine.
yes books. read 'em, use 'em, write 'em, hate 'em, love 'em. what to do, one cannot live without them.
this post is becoming increasingly random. that's because my head is full of mambo jambo that i can't get rid of, which is affecting my thought process. ok, not really mambo jambo, more like questions. burning questions, that my head wants to answer, but i can't answer. and then they lead to bigger and bigger questions. and its a never ending cycle.
here's the one which just popped in there. are there feelings and thoughts that cannot be expressed in any language? but then, thoughts are in words, so its impossible for the mind not to think in a language. but then again, there are people who think in images. babies can't speak, but is it possible that they think in a language? then if you think about it, what is a thought? what is the definition of a thought? if there are thoughts and feelings that cannot be expressed in any language, how do we know that they are, in fact, thoughts or feelings? what qualifies as a thought, and what qualifies as a feeling? are feelings felt by the mind, as in, are feelings and thoughts the same thing?
must there be a purpose for a thought? must there be a purpose for a feeling? is there a purpose for the existence of the universe?
where is the mind situated? i mean, we all know where the brain is, its in our head, but we've no idea where the mind is? is it detached from the body or is it part of our body? what does the mind look like? is there any way to know? is the brain a figment of the imagination? is our life an figment of imagination, a mere creation of our mind?
cogito, ergo sum? i am thinking, therefore i am? so if i stop thinking, do i stop existing as well? what about animals, do they think?
how do you know when you are dreaming? for all you know, your entire life may be a dream. so you pinch yourself to make sure. but, if you pinch yourself while you are dreaming, wouldn't dream that you feel the pinch? so what does qualify as a dream?
if our lives are already arranged beforehand, then why bother doing anything? won't things just continue the way they are supposed to? but that paralyses our ability in in doing anything, so we do other things willingly. but are we?are we all puppets programmed to do things that we think we are willingly doing?
ya, prolly got the pic by now aye? it annoys me, yet i feel like there must be an answer to all the above questions. how to find out? i don't know. its not like something you measure, like time or volume. (then again, how do you know which way time flows? so what you did yesterday affects today. but are you so sure of that? is it possible that what we do tomorrow affects what we did today. ok ok i'll stop now) if you ask what is the volume of something, i take some measurements and substitute those figures into a formula, and hey presto, you get the answer. but if someone asks you how come the mind understands abstract things like numbers, then would you be able to answer?
and no, "cos its just like that
lor" is not an appropriate answer. or is it? lol.
oh well, enough of my babble, not longer in the mood to blog since i can't really concentrate without having soemthing like "are you sure" or "or is it" interrupting me. *sighs* i'm a wee bit crazier everyday...
toodles~
marlz
6/24/2005 05:55:00 ap.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 23, 2005
minties don't help
massive headache. why? cos i studied today. nice way this studying thing is helping me eh?
AND i did badly for the lit test. and i thought that today was going to be a GOOD day. apparently NOT.
yes yes, i'm in an unhappy unhappy state. and there is no point trying to cheer myself up. tv didn't help because there isn't anything worth watching. sleep didn't help because all i did was think more about how i did badly for my test. running didn't help because all that running got my legs to bring me (rahter hastily, may i add) to the industrial area and hurling my guts out into the
longkang. in other words, i puked halfway through. so unglam can? and that left me in a mood thats worse than unhappy.
*growls*
and so i tried to resorting to the thing that usually calms my frazzled nerves : more books. but given my case today, i doubt the book did any help. what i found extremely hilarious yesterday got nothing but a half smile today. my nerves are just as, if not more frazzled.
AND did i mention mid years are coming?
i have to agree with ET on the L plate drivers. hey, i know you really want to drive badly. but you know what, you do indeed drive badly, and endanger the lives of pedestrians like me. imagine your metal box coming at me at 90 km/h. perhaps i may dent your car more so than others, but i still think you shouldn't take that chance. i might just die. even worse if it were some scrawny kid of 8 that you ram into. so please. don't drive if you don't have the aptitude for it.
geez. the nerve of these people.
something interesting that caught my eye today. something in this book. i forget the name. went along the lines of...
if you intend to turn this page, then you'd have to first turn half the page. to turn half the page, you'd have to turn a quarter of the page. to turn a quarter, you'd have to turn half of that, and so on and so on. to do anything, one must make a series of movements, before anything can be done. just like if you want to walk out of this room, you'd have to walk half the distance to the door and to do that you must walk half of half. so you see, to do anything, an infinite number of movements have to be made. but the problem is you can't fit an infinite number, no matter how fast you count, into a finite amount of time. therefore, it is impossible to do anything, theoretically speaking.the only thing that was minutely interesting about today.
argh. shall go cool off. hope others are having a nicer day than me. toodles~
marlz
6/23/2005 12:23:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 22, 2005
minties
dreadful alarmclock and its dreadful chanting with its dreadful background music *scowls*
"wake up, wake up good morning!"i don't wake up because of that alarm clock, i get frightened half to death and start out of my sleep. its so loud and its just plain freaky. i feel like bashing that thing to bits with a baseball bat. since when are mornings good when you wake up with a start?
but oh well, its quite good at getting me out of bed (that is if i set the alarm), even though i'll be in a terrible mood because of it.
this morning my alarmclock wasn't dreadful because i was having a nightmare. quite a silly one, but a nightmare all the same. get this. i dreamt i went to Finland during winter time without my skincare. and no lipbalm! die. the skin was peeling from my face and it looked like some cracked eggshell of a hard boiled egg. no, more like the earth and its plates, just that the plates didn't move.
too much tectonic plate theorybleah, enough about my weird dreams.
went to (surprise surprise) the library to study today, armed with minties, and a pile of books that looked like a mini mt fuji in my arms (well, just that it can't spew lava). quite empty, considering that its the last week to the mid year exams. just a whole lot of people playing computer games and the usual familiar faces like megan. always comes early, leaves late. *sighs* i wonder where she gets her drive from. i must aim to be more like her!
anyhoos, managed to plough through king lear today. and do a lil more geog. what mui yi said was true.
the more you study, the more afraid you become, because the more you realise you don't know. . i get a freaked out a lil bit each day, and collectively, its alot of freaking out. darn darn double darn. i doubt i'll do well, i doubt that i'll pass even. ARGH. *tears her hair out*
i must go for a run, its lovely weather. the cool air will do me loads of good, and would for anyone else (jogging anyone?). if not, then i'll head to Loyang Pt to trim my hair. in any case, no more Lear for me today. perhaps a little econs. the clouds are covering the sun baby, and there's no better time to hit the park! my eyes are smarting from too much computer and my head's aching from too much reading.
*blows hair out of eyes*
nothing really bloggable today, except for how my day was. i think my blog's becoming one of those www.whatididwhatiatewhatiwatchedwhatisleptwith.com blogs. darn. its called mid years coupled with a terribly huge mind block, so don't be too harsh on me.
back to my minties and my running shoes...
toodles~
marlz
6/22/2005 08:37:00 ap.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 21, 2005
wasted mann....
today was a waste of a day. because i forgot to set my alarm clock, so i woke up late and didn't go to school.
so i tried doing something at home, but all my efforts were futile. i didn't get past reading half a page of any of my texts. in fact, the only thing i've accomplished today was fold the laundry and go jogging. i haven't been this unproductive since...well since i wasn't in mjc.
i did notice today while talking to my mom that i cannot start a conversation with her without concluding that we don't see eye to eye. i doubt we'll ever see eye to eye. but well, thats normal, i guess. i just pray i'm not considered a bad child because of that.
darn. i'm very irritated with myself for letting a day waste away just like that, esp when the mye is 5 days away. argh.
better go and do my tys now. no time to waste!
i'm loving my blog song. wheetoodles~
marlz
6/21/2005 03:11:00 ip.
maanantaina, kesäkuuta 20, 2005
daddy's day?
yesterday was Fathers' Day. what i did for my father? absolutely nothing.
shameless marlz
i do feel a twinge of regret when i watch families celebrate on fathers' day, and actually have fun. but when i think about it, quite frankly, my family will never be like that. its next to impossible.
i don't hide the fact that me and my father, well, lets just say we don't quite get along. sometimes, i can't help the fact that i let him get on my nerves though i know that he's trying to be funny. its his way of amusing himself, and, i can safely say that i've gotten used to him calling me 'giraffe' or 'that big woman' etc etc. you get the picture. its maddeningly annoying, especially since its me he picks on. but there, like i said, its his way of showing he 'likes' me. what to do. just leave it like that lar.
the more rockier times have to be when we scream at each other. i don't doubt that i'm somewhat like my dad when it comes to our mannerisms, thats probably why he annoys me so. i have already one of me to deal with, and along comes another me who just can't resist finding something to annoy me with. i've learnt its best to leave each other alone and avoid touchy topics, like the america and computers. definite no-no.
the better times? funny as it sounds, i actually miss him calling me names and resting his leg on my head when we're far apart. when he was in brunei, and i in singapore. when i was in finland, and him in singapore. or, better yet. when he was in hospital. forgive the cliche, but absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.
generally, my dad and me, we don't get along unless we're away. i guess it will be that way, and i don't intend to change that. so at home we may snap and bicker, but at least we snap and bicker, and not just keep silent and pass each other by totally, without saying a word. and to give him more credit, well, i think my dad is smart and funny in his own way. (and if youre reading this isi, don't you DARE mention this at home. *glares*) really i do. when he tries to be funny he isn't, but when he's trying to be serious, well, you'll see a whole lot of family members gasping for breath cos we're laughing so hard. like the time he called Old Chang Kee 'Old Ka Kee' (how apt right) and he said that his student would have a place in NUT aft they read his testimonial for her. (he actually meant NTU, but i suspect he never knew which course she was going to take in the first place). *sighs* so you see, sometimes my dad can be a real gem.
daddy's day? well, i can't be bothered with it. who says we need to show anything when love is so much more meaningful and potent without the fanfare. i prefer it that way. the quiet way.
so there, i actualy wanted to blog about something else but ended up blogging abt my father. perhaps i should just blog about the other issue later. *smiles*
off to school i go, for another round of mugging!
toodles~
marlz
6/20/2005 01:33:00 ap.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 18, 2005
sparkling
its been a busy week of cramming and panicking because the mid years are looming ahead of me. the subject that has me all spooked is econs. i've even woken up in the middle of the night because i was worried that i've not done enough. gotten me into trouble as well, because of the early mornings spent on tys and making notes my eyes have started drooping a whole lot more in school while studying. darn. i must get sleep, but there is just no time unless i sacrifice my shut eye.
studying makes me go on a caffeine diet. coffee helps when i study, but not when i get home. been resorting to jogging in the evenings because i get so jittery that i just have to work off that energy before i get my sleep.
AND i still haven't started studying for lit properly. i doubt that i'm going to finish studying before the mid years. i'm dead. its one more week. DIE.
i prided myself on being a slacker in sec 4 and look at what i am now, i've (sadly) joined the ranks of the muggeroids. *sighs* a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
well, about the happier events of the week.
1. i met jake at the interchange that day. i very nearly just passed by without noticing, but he tapped my shoulder and i managed only to say hi. i wanted to say something else, and looked awhile, wondering what to say, but recalled that i had to go home so i just said bye and walked off. so rude right. anyways, jake i apologize that i couldn't chat, really really had to leave. oh, you know, you look like a polar bear, so white and jolly. lol.
2. band bbq yesterday. i came early and found the pits deserted save for the exco members, so i helped them to start a fire. took us 2 hours just to get a teeny fire started. and thats before we noticed that none of the food was skewered. so me and 2 other girls started doing that. the skewering part was fun, but i guess i did abit too many 'till some food didn't get cooked even as the fire died out. the cert presentation was fun, and after that i had to rush home. pity that poor lady who sat next to me in the bus, i smelt of smoke. was tired, had eyes that were smarting because of the soot that got in, and had sandy feet but it was fun! reminded me of obs. hehe.
3. met eric today aft school today. had a good chat and quite a nice time. as always. :)
4. talked to huda over the phone. miss huda alot. but then its hard to meet, really. die die must study, but i also want to meet her.
so that pretty much sums up my week. boring.
random topic that i think of while stoning on the bus ride to school:
terror vs horror. would you rather have hints and indications that something is there, or would you rather straight out see it? its like hearing something bump in the night, as compared to actually seeing the monster, whatever it is. both ways, it involves you being scared of the thing and being curious and wanting to know more of that horrible being.
i prefer terror as compared to horror. it leaves things to the imagination, and makes you laugh at yourself when you've assumed something is really bad when it really isn't. so it does make you feel bad awhile, but after that, depending on what you were terrified over, i guess things are better. it really depends on what you fear, because sometimes, terror is followed up by horror. imagine standing in a dark room hearing something come towards you, and then looking up and seeing a ghost.
ugh. too much of the Gothic. all thanks to the late night chat with Dr S. wonder how aneesha is getting to sleep aft we told her what the sandman REALLY does at night. haha.
i suppose it is human nature to be attracted to the 'bad'. we all want to indulge in something that is deemed sinful, and we do, because we feel like it. like how people who like chocolate and know that its bad for you just go ahead and buy it in the end. i guess thats what makes the bad boy image appeal to so many. another example is how ppl who are religious and those who aren't are almost always friends. and NO its, not because the religious want to influence the 'sinners'.
i don't believe in willpower, i think it is something that man has created to make him believe that he is capable of being perfect. trying to be perfect is an utter waste of time. i've learnt that the hard way. but i've learnt my lesson well. but i'm not saying that we can be bad either, besides, we are conscious beings for a reason. to know when to do what. we aren't heartless creatures, devoid of feeling. how i've always reasoned it is that people do things for a reason, and even if they do something that is considered heartless, well, they are just trying to survive, only they went about it the wrong way. its the survival of the fittest out here, it is how we are made, and it is natural to think of ourselves, be selfish once in awhile. we aren't saints you know.
i stone far too much. must stop stoning and read on the bus instead. i'll have a bout of motion sickness when i alight, but i guess all is good since i'd have squeezed in some study time.
i just want mye to be over. i guess i'll stop my gibberish only then.
till i talk more sense, toodles~
marlz
6/18/2005 03:43:00 ip.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 16, 2005
books
just finished reading The Clergyman's Daughter by George Orwell. really nice. then again its because i'm partial to Orwell's novels in the first place, so its always nice. its always feels like i'm reading about something that people think but don't say, a candid way of writing. perhaps its also since i'm fed up that someone is being a filthy hypocrite these days, and i despise hypocrites.
a lil story on how i first started my reading.
i think it was my primary 2 teacher who sparked my interest in books. some over-ambitious teacher, fresh out of NIE. she handed me this book one day (i forget what book it was, my memories of primary school are hazy such that i forget the details) and to my dismay i didn't understand a single word that i read. i vowed to improve my english and so i started to frequent the library very very often in hopes of getting my english grades up.
so one day, i chanced upon 'Animal Farm' as a result of prowling around the 'big kid's' section of the library. obviously at such an age, i expected it to be some happy story, probably the kind you'd read before bed. i didn't quite understand it, and the ending left me feeling bitter and angry. it left alot of questions unanswered.
i find Orwell does that alot.the asking questions and leaving them unanswered because there is no point in answering those questions. some questions aren't meant to be answered just because. its more about accepting that these questions don't have an answer and leaving it as that. but exactly the problem lies for some people, they just can't leave things hanging. it has to be why, how come. argh, so annoying.
enough about people who ask too many questions.
nurul and zaidi and AF have come to sleep over. some fun anticipated.
i'm in the school library now taking a break from studying econs. prolly heading off to study again soon.
my tendency to be long winded has been again emphasized by a friend of mine who said she fell asleep reading my blog. i know i use 3 words to instead if one. but no need to say until like that right. aiyoh. so disappointing.
bleah. nothing else to say, since i sound so BIMBO. (erhm, like someone next to me nowm, GUESS WHOOOO)
till i have something non-bimbo to say. toodles~
marlz
6/16/2005 03:31:00 ap.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 14, 2005
betrayed
school makes you do the weirdest things.
i find it strange that i have fallen into the habit of mugging. hard core mugging. to think i was a slacker in sec 4. i guess its good for me, in a way. and surprisingly, i actually have begun to enjoy it.
to wake up relatively early in the morning to head to school has become routine. i head to the library, or the go benches. find myself a seat and hit the books. there is, i suppose, a good feeling that comes from the process studying. a sort of happiness, with a peculiar quality to it. like, you know you shouldn't be enjoying it, yet, you just do.
yes, and i mean studying for econs as well.
*sighs*
i don't know how to name what i've become, but i suppose it qualifies as a either a geek or a nut.
and yes, i went to school today as well, to study geog. got quite a bit done, if i say so meself. still not enough, if you take into account my abysmal stupidity. i need loads of practise, so expect to see me in school for the next 2 weeks of the hols if you pop down to study.
i walked slowly home today. someone asked me i why i was so sad. i'm just thinking about some things that happen around me. i suppose they think i'm sad because i'm broody. being in a pensive mood always has had sadness associated with it, so i can't blame anyone for thinking i'm sad. especially since i'm born with a weird expression on my face that makes me look either sad or angry when i don't smile, i guess you could call it a borderline frown.
i've always found it easy to guess someone's mood when i hear their voice and look at their eyes, the windows of one's soul. never by the overall expression, it never quite helps to look at the overall expression for me. i much prefer hearing their voice and looking at their eyes, but then there's me and there's others. so i can't say anything that is accurate.
there is this grafitti artist in who has scribbled all over pasir ris that has me quite interested. he's either incredibly brilliant or he's just a great copy cat that's passing off someone's quotes as his own, i don't know which. but it isn't really the person who scribbled that has me fascinated, it is what he has scribbled. he calls what he does "painting my life on these streets". pardon my ignorance, i've no idea whether that's original, or someone else has the right to lay claim on it. but i found it an interesting way to call grafitti. its almost as if he demanding that we look upon grafitti as art.
i do believe some grafitti artists have the right to that assertion. some of the work (if indeed you could call it that) you see it on streets are aesthetically pleasing, but i do have to say that most of the scribbles in public areas are more of an eyesore. i don't wish to know your number, i don't want to know who is free at nights, and i like my surfaces clean. i don't deny that grafitti doesn't hurt as long as its nice to look at, in an appropriate location (actually i don't think that authorities would think that an appropriate location for grafitti exists) and if it isn't superficial and holds some meaning. however, i don't like it when i end up looking at the downright ugly doodling of some adolescent who was bored throughout my bus ride. and NO, its not possible to shut my eyes on the bus ride, what if i miss my stop? have a thought for the people who end up cleaning up after you, please.
the days are slipping away and mye is around the corner, very soon i'll be sitting for the exams. i hope my cramming pays off, if it doesn't, then i'll be devastated.
ouch my shoulder hurts
*absentmindedly rubs nose*
i find i've no more to say. how odd.
well, then if that's the case. toodles~
marlz
6/14/2005 01:07:00 ip.
sunnuntai, kesäkuuta 12, 2005
die
i am so disappointed with myself.well, i'm up at an unearthly hour yet again, with nothing to do but ramble. and to think i'm going to school early tomorrow. i should be sleeping but i feel like i have a great weight pressing down on me, and it chokes me as i sleep. i find my cheeks mysteriously wet as i lie there in bed. i jump out from under the covers, only to give the myself the fright of my life, because that darn mirror on my cupboard always deceives me into thinking that a tall lady is standing at the foot of my bed looking at me.
i find that i avoid people these days. i have turned down invitations to every social event, its been eons since i last went out with my friends, AND i don't like to answer any calls from my friends that will lead into a conversation that lasts for an hour or so(unless its huda's or eric's). worse, i'm going to school when i don't have to. i think my social life (or want of it) is rather sad. and i can't figure out why.
i feel bad to tell people no. but i just need that personal space.
vanessa asked me to teach her and a grp of friends lit tml since i'm going to school. i came up with a valid excuse to not come, by saying that i'm not qualified to teach lit, and that i'm coming to school to study because i'm bad at it. BUT then she asked me to study with them, and i just had to come out and say the dreaded two letter word. what can i do, i don't feel like being around people. sure they're nice and stuff, but i can't study with people when i'm not in the mood.
i can't do ANYTHING with people if i'm not in the mood.
DARN.
i left wenqi hanging in a conversation. i'm sorry, assistant drunkard, but i'm a bit high on air.
at the rate i'm going, i'll be a hermit by the end of this year.
i might as well retire now and go live in a cave or under a rock, instead of letting myself go on.
or i might just hurl myself into the sea, let the churning mass take me to a place to which others can't follow. not that anyone is going to follow, but if people can't follow, then i'll be alone. and thats what i want.
is it?
i don't know. so i'm going to turn up at the gathering this week. yes i shall. *smiles to herself*
i sound terribly loony, talking to myself. (thats because i don't wish to make this a blog full of sob stories. i rather make a fool of myself but discussing my issues with thin air) but then again, many people who sound loony are incredibly smart. geniuses in the making
AHEM.
so i'm that much thick-skinned.
i made my sister cry today. no. i didn't make her cry because i hit her (like how i usually make her cry). terribly irritated with everything today. the heat, the humidity, the mosquitos, the fact that its sunday and tomorrow's monday. and i was sharp, more than usual, and the next thing i knew, i saw her crying.
though i'm rather vexed with myself for making her cry, but i'd like to add (high on the guilt factor here) that i'm secretly rather pleased that my tongue has gotten sharper. it could mean that my english has improved, or it could mean that my skills when it comes to arguing with people who annoy me have improved. either way, it means something has improved. but i've misused it so there, i should slap myself instead of praise myself.
shame on you shame on you shame on you.
so the whole world now knows why i'm disappointed with myself. great. i might as well give my personal particulars out to the world now. and my secretly pleased is very much a secret no more.
DOUBLE DARN
i may be marlz, but marlz is not me. get that? don't expect me to spout the things i blog to you in real life. thats unrealistic. and if you do, well, i better warn you, you'll irritate me, and i'll make sure my words scathe you.
you pestiferous imbeciles out there better take that as a warning. marlina is in her pms mode. irksome creatures.
i was thinking of the numerous words you could use in place of imbecile. nincompoop,nitwit, bungler, goon, dolt, dunce. they're fine. then the word ignoramus popped into my head. i could just imagine the look on my cousin's face should i use that word on him. it becomes increasingly funny, the more i think about it.
*straightens face*
yes, marlina is in pms mode.
gosh, i'm a terrible liar.
till i manage to lie and get away with it, toodles~
marlz
6/12/2005 04:55:00 ip.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 09, 2005
ghosts that refuse to linger
a ghost that refuses to lingerdon't ghosts always linger? some don't. some beg, plead with you to hold on, and grab hold of them. and when you reach your hand out, all it meets is air. emptiness. and the apparition is gone. it refuses to stay.
you know as a child you sit on the green grass aft you have played the morning away. you let the sun beat down on you in waves, but you take every blow. take me, you say. lets just see how much you think you can burn me. how foolish. you collapse on the grass, breathless with joy. nothing is like challenging the great great sky. you lie there, looking upwards, and see nothing but the soft sky, red and gold and violet and pink. the days pass like they would never end. yet you wish they would last forever, when the dark comes, silently driving out the little light left. you sit there and inhale deeply. each time, taking in the sweet sweet smell of green. the spicy aroma of fern. the musky scent of the woods. the intoxicating perfumes of nature. you sit there, biding time before someone comes to call you away to the safe, warm repose called home.
there are times you run in the rain. rejoicing that the world will wake up after the storm, clean and fresh. renewed. the smell of rain is nothing short of delightful. clear cool drops of happiness trickle down your face and body. and you don't stop running. play with the thunder. quick is the beat of your heart, and ruddy are your cheeks. it excites you. let the wind scream, howl in your ears. it won't stop you.
the days you watch the sunset. the merge between night and day. colours glide with each other. melt into one another. the sun, so far away and small now. it gives its last parting shot, a brilliance so beautiful, the moon would shy away. and then it melts away into the dark, allowing the hush of night to close in. and you creep away, fearing to disturb that silvery lull.
the silence of a child never fails to interest me. i wonder what they are thinking of. one may believe that a child never cares for anyone other than himself, and thus, his thoughts concern him alone. 'it', they call 'it' an appropriate way to refer to a child. hardly. a child notices things that we don't. they see things in a light so different. and they remember, keep those memories buried deep somewhere. so deep that its hard to recall anything but what things looked like, or felt like, or sounded like. strains of a song can send many images flooding back, and it makes me shudder. yes, it is physical. so much so that i wonder where i am in reality. whether i am the me i see now in the looking glass or that child who clung on to her mother's hand. the change is physical, and inside, i am very much that child with braids and red shoes. such is the power of your childhood memories.
perhaps, one day, we all can just sit at the seaside and enjoy the bracing sea air, not care about a single thing but ourselves, as we think children do. feel no sense of urgency. ignorance is no longer bliss as it was before, i believe.
i feel my eyelids drooping. it is time to retire. toodles~
marlz
6/09/2005 12:22:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 08, 2005
smiles =)
so i did find something to amuse me aft all. while i was seaching for sites that might help me with my higher register problem on the bass clar, or sites for begginers on the bass clar i came across this :
Warm Up?! We Need No Stinking Warm up!!not particularly useful. but certainly amusing. this is what i nicked off the site :
A Musician's Guide For Keeping Conductors In Line
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This inspirational essay was written by Don Laurence Mills. I follow it to the letter. (Isn't that right, Dr. Van?)
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor.
(Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
(Ed. Or in NMSU's case, Percussion section must never have all their players present. Shour.)
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
(Ed. This is a common reaction to any piece written by Philip Sparke! Shour.)
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
i find it kinda funny. perhaps it wouldn't be funny, if people didn't actually do such things. no comments abt ppl refrain from, or happily indulge in, such activities.
back to reading then. toodles again~
marlz
6/08/2005 12:26:00 ip.
the southernmost point on the asian continent
light heartedness is very much like a pretty little faerie that one may meet in the forest. so delicate and shimmery and merry, she comes and then she goes. i was light hearted yesterday, but today i can't help but feel a bit blue. no, not deep shades, but just a tinge.
i wonder if it'll happen again. i look at him, how he looks, what he says, and what he does when he's at home. i think he prolly doesn't even notice that i notice. that i worry. that i feel troubled everytime he says something, or does something that is suggestive of something else. and i don't know if things i right. my bones are telling me that things aren't. and i wonder, that if we fall into that same rut again, will we pull out of it? worse, i fell into a deep pit of my own when we were stuck in that rut. when the nights got later, people got unhappier, and the situation became highly volatile. and i keep fearing that it happens again. i don't want it to, but i don't know how to stop it. argh. frustration drives me to the edge sometimes, and i really don't know how to express it. not in a way that will do any good, in any case.
how i wish all things free and good, especially being happy, don't disappear into the air, fly off like butterflies that remain perched on your finger to adore just for a moment. moments matter, i know, but i want to prolong those moments, instead of just having them leave me in the blink of the eye.
its days like these that i want to play with the thunder. have fun that comes with a price, satisfy myself. but i know i can't. for i have to resist temptation. i cannot allow myself what i did before, for it will only lead to my demise.
i'm being very vague i know. NO its not something that one "goes through". fyi, i do know when something is a problem, and not a lil annoyance, or minor setback.
hah, oh well. might as well talk abt my day instead, at least, it wasn't as bad a day as i thought it would be.
i woke up early in the mornin' for the TAF Amazing Race and Sentosa. why? because i paid the entry fee, and being the cheapo that i am, i refuse that $2 to go to waste. i can't help it, my mom taught me to be tight with my money but be generous when generosity is due. like when it comes to charity, or helping a friend out when they are in a tight spot.
i thought i'd be miserable when i was separated frm my group of friends for the race. lady luck must have been smiling down at me this morning because wee kiat, wee juay and geraldine were grouped with me. they made my morning pass faster, with all the jokes and "crap-talk" that went liberally around. i'm sure all the grp 2 ppl had something to smile about this morning.
i think we really took it easily, and at the rate we went round, it certainly wasn't at all like a race to me. we actually took the bus to many of the checkpts instead of walking, and even when we did walk, we tried to cheat in as many ways as possible. not only that, we cheated all the checkpt ics out of making us do their ridiculous forfeits. in the end, we came in last. our reason? one of our members was injured (this part is true) and we couldn't walk fast since she couldn't (this part isn't true. she actually said that her toe didn't hurt at all).
it ended really late, around 1300, instead of 1200, like i expected. i had no choice but to cancel the meeting with marilyn today, though we desperately need to meet. pah. so annoying.
aft the thing geri,wk, wj, kaiyan, myself, and 2 other guys whom i do not know went to habourfront for lunch and to rest our tired feet. they chose yoshinoya, which was ok, since i wasn't eating anyways. lol. i think they thought it funny that i was watching them eat. oh ya, geri had lady luck smiling on her as well. she pulled out a fiber from her mouth when she ate, and one of the staff approached her, insisted on replacing the bowl even when she said it was ok, and even gave her a drink on the house! good service aye. she was rather stunned though, and the situation was rather comical.
so ended my day out, i just headed home. strange as this may sound after a day of activity, i feel tired mentally and not physically. the only part of my body that is aching is my back, but that happens everyday, so its nothing new. the trip to the southernmost point on the asian continent has not tired me out, as i thought it would have.
i shall cut my rambling here, and go read a lil instead. toodles~
marlz
6/08/2005 11:37:00 ap.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 07, 2005
no free lunches
wasn't in a sugary sweet mood this morning. i guess it was thinking over this incident that happened yesterday morning that soured my mood. but i was happier on the way to school. and when i reached home, suddenly i found myself in that same not-happy-but-not-unhappy state. i don't know how to describe the feeling, and i shan't go further than that elaborating abt it bcos i assume that most have an imagination, or have experienced it before.
so.my books and my walls and bed don't make any sound that is remotely near to the sound of laughter, and there is no one that i can laugh with now, or smile at, so i i have to act like a lunatic. make myself laugh and smile. it seriously annoys my family when i do that. i start having a laughing fit and then they have no idea what i'm laughing about. they won't understand it anyways, so i guess i won't bother telling them what is helping me pass the day today. and since they don't read this blog, i can ramble on and on abt what amuses me. haha. the advantages of having a family that think blogs are worthless. i think they are wrong. the greatest things in life a free. like air and sleep and laughter and smiles =) if blogging make me smile, then it can't be all that worthless right? and even better, if (and i doubt this, since i'm hardly a funny person) it makes someone else smile, then its worth much much more.
band prac today. i played better today than last week's prac. i still need to work on it more, and i'm glad. we went through noah's ark, first time i'm looking at it. and since my sight reading is terrible, i guess i didn't fare too well. the easy parts were fine, but the running notes and melody parts need a whole lot of work. but its ok. i don't mind working on it. i found it quite a fun piece to play, despite the fact that i was struggling with certain parts.
i like to smile =)
some seniors turned up for prac today. wee kiat, and wenqi and joel and fuquan. i don't remember if there were anymore. i thought i was late, but i was early (as usual) and only kailing and myself were in the band room for a whole 15 minutes, before others started arriving.
talking abt this band makes me happy, but looking at crestwinds makes me frown. our conductors have upped and left. well, i can't blame them, its the second time its happend, and its because of the same reason : the school. for a school that wishes to carve a niche in music, my school has a knack of getting instructors of the music ccas to quit. and what is a band, or a choir, or a chinese orchestra without the instructors. crestwinds is in a bad situation now. and i'm fed up that no one is trying to do anything about it. the last time our conductor left, we were stuck in a rut that we couldn't get out of. not only did we have no direction, we had a bunch of seniors that hardly came accept for a precious few like huda, and worse, all the teachers that did study music in their lifetime were in charge of choir. ALL of them. save one, a sax player, who is now in charge of violin. sax player and violin? i don't know, don't as ask me, ask the school.
its a nightmare for every band, i guess. having a school that isn't supportive of you. but crestwinds has it really bad. it is not the instruments that are lacking, it is guidance, and practice time. how on earth does a band practice if they can't draw the band room key, or access their instruments and music? we had that problem in the past, and its still ongoing now. room access is a serious problem that i had hoped would be fixed, but it still isn't. and the school refuses to change so that crestwinds has some even a minuscale chance of doing well. i have a mind to go back and wallop all the staff upside down.
there, i'm getting all huffy. i can't help it. officially part of the second batch of crestwinds, i see it a duty to continue helping them develop what we have established. to make sure the efforts the pioneers and my batch put into our "baby project" have not gone to waste. we just want to make good music, is that so wrong?
i better stop here or my mood will be spoiled again.
i think i better get back to reading, and gosh its late. oh, i still haven't decided on what to bake. it'll prolly be cinnamon buns, or a pie. but i can't decide which. hmmmm.
till i decide what to bake~
marlz
6/07/2005 02:28:00 ip.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 04, 2005
organization
i finally got down to organizing my links. they were in quite a terrible state beforehand, so i resolved to do it at last. no more bad links!
anyways, i'm terrible at organization. my papers are always missing, i have books everywhere, i always multiple copies of some paper which i should only have one copy of, and my file is always declared a gone case by teachers. the space under my bed has monsters, one affectionately known as Frankie, a Count from Romania, a few wraiths, a dozen orcs, a handful of witches and couple more creatures that make that bump in the night, not including the bogeyman (what can i say, trouble loves company). and i would mention my study table, and my cupboard, only that whoever's reading will have a heart attack, and i don't want to be charged for murder. i admit it, i'm one messy girl. but i cannot work otherwise. the moment i clear up something, i can't find anything. so i'm happy in my little mess. i think i'd go mad if i don't have that chaos in my room, since everything else in my life is so ordered.
friday was our first prac without the year 2s and also my first prac on the bass clar. i was panicking cos i all did was squeak and squeak and finally, fu quan helped me adjust so that i didn't squeak as much. (thank youuuuu!) its fun, but it takes some getting used to. i quite like playing the bass clarinet, prolly since i was stuck in first clarinet for 4 years, so playing the accompaniment instead of playing melody is a change. i felt so alone sitting there in the centre. suddenly the sides were so empty. in fact, the entire room felt empty. oh well, i need practise practise and more practise so i won't let the seniors down. *sighs*
since there aren't any crestwinds students in band to go home with(the only other crestwinds member in mj is a year 2 in SLC), i found myself tagging along with the haisians. its quite natural since we all live in the same area and take the same bus home. and also because they like to hang arnd in the band room while felicia, teresa and the others go off so early.
i'm in the bb mood! bb = baking and biking. baking and biking anyone? =) thinking of what to bake always makes my head hurt, cos i always think up many different things that i want to bake, but i can't decide on one. sweet or savoury? and to bake many things costs money, so all the kaching will be gone and i'll be broke. nope. i must decide. suggestions please...*smiles sweetly*
i don't have anything to blog about actually, today was a rather lazy saturday, the kind where you just sit in a comfy chair and watch the breeze play with the curtains and the sunlight stream in the window. the kind of saturday i despise because it makes me feel useless. i want to be in school! i tried to occupy myself by hitting the books but it was a futile attempt. i miss the library air-conditioner. i miss the books in the library, the smell in the library and the fact that there is no children's section in the library, because there are no lil peace-disturbers in the library. and i like the library because the other students who use it don't require music to study, refrain from talking or are just sleeping, so its silent. silence is my music. but i think i've placed enough emphasis on that. i like the mj library, i cannot deny it. i sound as if...i'm off my rocker. heh.
off to more econs work. *groans* toodles~
marlz
6/04/2005 03:00:00 ip.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 02, 2005
multitasking is a woman's job
mystery man appeared in my dreams again last night. its been some time since he has. anyways, for those who aren't in the know, mystery man is this guy who is my husband in my dreams. for some reason, he turns up once in awhile, and we're ALWAYS part of the wedding OR newly weds in dream land. and for reasons unknown, i only recognize him while i sleep and when i wake up the memory of his face and voice are by default obliterated from that hazy thing thing we call the mind. i only know that he is present in my dreams, but never know who he is actually.
yep. so. mystery man. this time we were trudging through snow, hand in hand. i was cold, and my gloves were wet through and through, so he warmed my hands in his. (everyone go
awwww....) then we reached our house and i started to do the laundry ( i actually dreamt of laundry). then i prepared dinner and we ate in silence as it grew dark outside. i recall that our conversation at the table was about ECONS. and so it haunts me in my dreams as well. humph. anyways, we then sat on the sofa together, and suddenly i was woken up by that awful alarm clock of mine. sigh. quite a pleasant dream, if you ask me. but not as good as the previous one where i got serenaded. yes, i always remember the dreams in which mystery man chooses to appear in. and NO i don't want to find out who mystery man is for it will kill the suspense. i'm better off not knowing anyways. *smiles wistfully to herself*
time to advertise for ANDREW *waves* please contact me ASAP if you are interested in going for the Ngee Ann Poly band concert on the 11th of June @ Ngee Ann Poly Convention centre, tickets cost $6. see, very cheap, even more reason to GO. yep. i'll bring signs right andrew? lol. yea, so contact me asap so i can contact the NP band ppl for the tics. i'll be collecting money for the tickets on their behalf.
if econs in reality isn't enough, i still have to face it in dream land. *sighs* but well, sometimes you cannot help it when you dream abt unpleasant things. as long as there is more pleasant than unpleasant in the dream i'm happy.
today. well, i came late to school, reached only at 9.50. and i rushed to LT3 where i thought the lecture was being held. i was horrified when i noticed that no one in the LT was familiar, and so i rushed off. i checked around but couldn't find anyone, so in the end, i just gave up altogether, and sat down to complete my econs essay plans. bleah.
and YES, i did get a earful because i did not turn up for that lecture. so annoying. why? because i was the only one scolded, though some ppl who didn't turn up in the morning, turned up in the aftnoon. FINE. i don't give a hoot about what she said to me, but i am annoyed that i was the only one whom she chose to pick on. thats not new, its just UNFAIR. hah.
i thought ms mexico should have won ms universe, but ms canada did instead. well, she gave a short and sassy answer, but not really something very far from 'world peace'. i do agree that the people that enter the pageant are getting smarter and smarter, just that the smart ones don't necessarily reach the stage where they are asked questions. and those who do are a precious few. and what irks me the most is how politically correct they are all the time. everything is a model answer nowadays. *exaggerated yawn* how come pageants don't allow contestants who actually have their own opinions or freedom of speech? oh ya, its because of (surprise surprise) world peace. we don't want an argument started now do we? *smirks*
this year's pageant was a particularly bad one, not that i really watch ms universe, but well, its was apparent just from the introductions that this group is more air headed than the previous ones. ms singapore is smart. just that she never made it to the semis. in fact, i don't recall a time where singapore has EVER made it to the semis. but then again, i don't really watch (i usually catch the intro, the part where they fall, and a few snippets here and there if i'm free), so i'm not accurate when it comes to these things.
05A202 had a capital time sharing our views on the abovementioned topic. even demos. (sashay ppl) particularly the introductions part. haha. justin is a really good person to approach if you want to here some funny (and rather mean) comments and demos about and of the contestants. lol. he was annoyed because there was no CSI that night because of ms universe.
my personal opinion on the pageant? PHOOEY. yep. the representatives of each country aren't the most beautiful in their country, they are the most beautiful in the eyes of the american culture. i mean, think about it, really. for one, the emcees are ALWAYS american. we always have to accomodate if we want to watch the live telecast because its held at a time where the americans watch it. most of the judges are american, as are the sponsors. (donald trump always sponsors it. i get a kick out of seeing him in his pink tie and his beautiful young sexy accessory permanently attached to his arm) and for some reason, the yankee representative always makes it to the top 15.
a country wouldn't send in a rep who is voluptuous, even if that is what their society views as beautiful. nope. they rather send in an air headed half starved monkey to prance on that stage, most of the time in outfits that don't have enough material. you can't blame a girl for being poor. or perhaps the smiles vanish backstage and turn into brawls in the changing rooms. you'll never know when it comes to competitions. *shrugs* my pt is, why even bother participating if thats the case. sometimes i do pity the girls because ppl like me and my classmates exist, who pick on them for every lil thing, from the gown to their english (which very many succeed in butchering till even i start wincing in pain). but i don't really like the pageant idea in the first place. its too...fake. besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder (oh i know, i know, that is annoyingly cliche, but i'm trying to prove a pt here.)
oh before i get carried away and forget this very important part of my post....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!!!!
i'm so sorry i wasn't free today to go out with you and celebrate, but i hope you enjoy your day to the max. may the year ahead be a great one for you. *muackz*
hah, and i think i better whisk myself back to my work, before i fall asleep. 4 more essays to do by tomorrow. DIE.
toodles~
marlz
6/02/2005 10:30:00 ap.