I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 28, 2005
"glamorious"
its cold and hard, as it is every dark morning. its almost pitiful to watch her, gurgling a tune as she packs up, getting ready to move on. but i cannot pity her, i cannot. tears well up in my eyes. i turn, not wanting her to see me, and draw myself further into that shadowy corner.
the grey sky grows steadily lighter by shades, a pitch black, to that dark grey, a lighter grey, and finally a sheet of blinding white, so pure in its whiteness that its difficult to distinguish between that cloudy canopy and the snow laden ground. she gets up slowly, and brushes the snowflakes off herself.
i watch her rummage through the bin, searching for something edible, but she finds nothing. as i let my eyes wonder over her person i notice that she's gotten thin, painfully so. there is hardly any indication of flesh on her slight frame. guilt. i wish i could save her, but i know in my heart i can't. even if i ran toward her this very moment and extended my hand, knowing that she would take it willingly, i know i would not be truly helping her. i love her, so much that it hurts me, and everyday, as i watch her demise, i feel as if a part of me dies.
indeed, she was a part of me, many years back. i held her hand in mine, a hand that was small, plump, warm. i gave her her every desire. pampered her. smothered her, almost. we walked on the beach together, and i'd listen to her singing to me. those summer nights we spent on the porch, just her and me, and i'd play with her hair, so lovely and soft, twining the chestnut strands around my fingers. the same hair that i now observed to be dark and tangled. oh, how i wished to take her in my arms and tell her that things will be alright. that i could take her home.
home. where she'd have a warm bed, a roof over her head and me. no one loved her like i do. no one. not those friends that she has now. nor those "sisters", or that "daddy" she had in that lounge 20 miles away. a spiral downwards. it hurt me to know that she hated me now. that she rather not have anything to do with me. that she didn't want to acknowledge me anymore. i wondered how she could desert the one that had loved her always. even now, as i stood in that corner, i loved her with all my heart, knowing fully about her mistake, about her faults. was it not my duty to tell you that you were wrong? was it not?
a movement roused me, brought me out of my chain of thought. she was moving away, and i stifled a sob. desperation. sadness. i wondered if it was going to be the last time i would see her. it took me months to track her down, and now she was going away. i could not help, but trail her for that bit more. just a bit more, i thought. just a bit more.
i tried to follow her pace, hoping that she wouldn't hear the crunching of the gravel beneath my heels. i made sure there was enough distance between us so that i'd be able to see her, but not so little that she'd see me. i didn't look behind me. i didn't hear that vehicle approaching. my heart stood still as i looked behind and i saw the car approach. i try to scream, my not a sound passes my lips. and all i hear is her desperate cry.
"Mother!", she wails. she's seen me, i know she has. as she hits the pavement, she gives me a look that pierces my heart. i feel my legs taking me toward her, and i take her frail body in my arms. she feels so small, like a little robin. my little robin. i cannot help but sob, as she calls to me again in a feeble voice. the vehicle disappears around the corner.
i see flashing, and sirens. the police. so they too are trailing my poor daughter. my poor darling daughter. she smiles, and i see in her eyes that she knows what is in my heart. she always knows. and i see that knowing smile for the last time that fateful night. she closes her eyes, mumbles a sentence, and passes into a place into which i cannot follow. my daughter is dead.narrative mood today, pls pls comment. i wonder if i'm still ok with writing or if i've become worse so i really want someone to tell me (hint hint eugene/rambu!)
so what have i been up to. well, went for the choir concert. vch brought back memories of
crescendo, or like oke put it once, prcs "glamorious" attempt at a concert. really, i don't think it was much of a show. too mechanical, in a way. everything was so military, i think that watching some uniformed group marching would have been equivalent to it. oh well, thats over and done with sometime back, funny that i even bothered to remember it. saw daniel pang there, and a whole group of ppl that i know, some ppl whom i didn't want to see ( err, some ppl lar), and some whom i delighted in seeing (aka my classmates, and the mjcsb ppl, namely, my assistant drunkard). charlyn and co and me went home straight aft. oh ya, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLYN! dead tired aft that so i collapsed on my bed after that.
friday i spend gathering my energy, because exams are coming up. GP on monday. argh. die die die. i'm so not ready. darn darn double darn. i pray i do ok.
called huda up today, since i miss her. lol. anyways, we had a good chat and decided to go to that blood donors day function together. not much of an outing, but an outing anyways. we have to make do, coming from different schools and all. planning to go for a crestwinds prac together also. fun fun fun.
have to complete econs today, study geog also. alot to memorize for geog, but its ok, since its easy to link up. so yea, mugger express, its time to cram!
going to cram now, toodles~
marlz
5/28/2005 04:29:00 ap.