I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2005

itepäinen nainen

today. school. tired. starting to notice that there is a certain pattern and three words that repeat themselves in my entries? (ok, other than the word 'really' i know i use it waaay too much) yea, you get my drift. i'm tired. again.

i wonder if i'm strong enough to pull thru jc. sure i'm enjoying it. for now. i dunno what will bcome of me by the end of the year. i get tired so easily. on top of that the school wants us to engage ourselves in the many activities that they offer. on one hand, i feel like doing it. but i'm also very afraid to. studies are impt. i'm afraid of everything right now. afraid that i won't pull thru the first test. afraid that i end up spending too much time on the other activities in school instead of on studies. afraid that i won't be promoted. afraid that i'll screw up my a lvls. somehow, to me now, the future looks bleak. i don't regret going to jc. not yet that is. but what if i do in future? then what? shld i pull out now? or shld i wait a lil longer? as i look down my path, all i see is the sun setting at the horizon. and all else is dark, i know nothing of what i will be doing or even of what i should do.

i've seen ppl make decisions in less than a minute. i, unfortunately, am not that kind of person. i have to wait, consider the pros and cons first. go home and mull over it. and even aft i have, i still am half hearted abt my decision. i flit between decisions like a lil faerie flitting around the forest merrily, unsure of her direction. i want to try everything, but i'm afraid that i do, i'll fail. yes i fear failure. i feel like i can't succeed at anything. that i'm the lowest of the low. i feel like i will fail, even before i try and i try to break out of it, so i force myself to do many many things. yet at the same time, i feel like its a mistake doing what i do. i need to break out of my shell so what do i do?

i remember what one of my juniors asked me once. she asked me how i can manage to do everything with such confidence. and i told her that i didn't know. ppl assume that i'm confident at what i do, but i'm really jittery inside. i really wonder how i'll manage in future when it comes to making major decisions. (which i'm very bad at) while i DO hold fast to my core values and opinions, i can't make any decision that involves my own future without any regret involved.

enough of my endless laments. i should get on with what i need to do and just do it. though i feel as if i can't. i must try i must try. though i feel like i will fail. i cannot fear failure. i can't i can't. for if i do, then i will fail. i don't want to make that same mistake again.

on with what i did today. (this post is starting to get boring) got the permanent time table. did some game thing during CI. aft that went for break. aft that GP. then lit, which being my all time fave subject, was very fun. King Lear. blah blah. AO math. annoying as per normal. you know why she doesn't want me to use synthetic division? cos she DOES NOT KNOW how to do use it. AO malay. one of the three girls in the class. how boring. break. geog, double period. that was fun, though i was rather irked by that joke on how races come abt. there is scientific proof to how humans, from one same form, changed into so many different ppl of different forms. esp abt how he talked abt scandinavian. cos I'M frm scandinavia. bite me. then pe talk. found out that the standards aren't that bad aft all. i should be able to sail thru everything BUT standing broad jump, so i need to train for that. other than that, i should get my silver.

me and anisha were laughing over the health and fitness banner in the assembly plaza. yea so i just noticed it. FINE, say it. i'm blur. i'm dense. i have no life. bleah. it says 'Get Hard. Join Health and Fitness'. like hallo, talk abt sexual innuendo. gdness.

aft that i got home. and, like i mentioned in the beginning, i'm tired and sleepy. surprise surprise. i don't sleep thru lectures cos i drink coffee in the morning. i sleep thru homework in the evenings for the exact same reason.

and i found out something today. don't ever sit behind some tall guy with spiky hair during lectures. you'll end up seeing nothing but the back of his head. how interesting. NOT.

at least i say really and roll the r. everyone go rrrrrrr. better than the leally frm you-know-who. shush. *marlz winks*

till my next cup of coffee.

marlz

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2005

itepäinen nainen

4/12/2005 10:16:00 ap.

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