I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 02, 2005

fizzy tea

i realize i've been super impatient and cranky during the past week. and YES, i'm in a pms mode today also. just snapped at my sis. therefore here is the disclaimer for all my beloved juniors who've been asking for advice frm me abt going to jc. jc makes you irritable, it makes you tired and basically, it'll make you the regular crankpot. i've been trying to be myself the past few days and hide the crankiness behind the smile. esp in sch, i mean, there's loads to be done and no time to be cranky. but sometimes its just very difficult. my family gets the most of it. as usual, home being my haven i can't be bothered to be on my guard abt behaviour. so i snap alot. its not good, and i try not to. but sometimes things just irritate me so much that i just can't help it. dunno whats the cause though, my guess is that its the lack of sleep or just the fact that i'm still kinda out of sorts aft joining mj. or maybe i overdid the clapping part during the cheers. i dunno. whatever it is, i hope i stop being cranky soon. its taxing not just on myself, but also on others...

i went to sch today for sectionals. surprised that i was rather early. (ok ok fine, i'm ALWAYS early SO THERE ppl, i know i'm incorrigible. its not my fault that i'm afraid i'll be late. bleah.) most the the ppl there whom i thought were there for sectionals were actually there for CO. (note for band members : i heard the suona playing when i got there...haha you know what i mean when if i speak of pain right)
hardly anyone was there, just the J2s, and then eventually Benny, one of the J2s, invited me in and chatted with me awhile. still felt abit left out though. i mean, every band has its inside jokes and all. while the mj band has a spirit that is very much the same as crestwinds, i will still have to take awhile to fit in.

and so i come back to the topic of fitting in. i mean, its not really fun being a so-called hybrid.. i mean, someone might say it helps you get introduced with ppl since you're different. but that's just it, ppl want to get to know you bcos to them, you're and outsider, they're curious. they don't get to know you bcos they look as you as one of them, a human being, but they want to get to know you bcos they see someone who is very different frm them. then there are other things lar. like, knowing that you'll never fit in, and then being the brunt of jokes. trust me, i've gone through everything before, and its made me very very very self concious. i may joke around and say that 'i'm unique right? see, you can find no one like me, i'm one of a kind' or smile when you say 'thats so cool' when i tell you where i'm from and what race and nationality my parents are. but sometimes it does make me feel insecure. it makes you feel imperfect. it makes you feel flawed. yea so everyone is flawed. but i'm flawed in a way that it shows more than others. ever imagined how that feels like? terrible. just terrible

my oh my, isn't she the emo one today. nvm, just take whatever i said just now as void. so , back to the topic of today's sectionals. yea. we went thru singapore rhapsody again. its ok i guess. sectionals went quite smoothly, i got the hang of some parts where there were running notes. but i did loan the clarinet for practise. i need it if i'm going to make it for the next practice. i dun want to bluff my way thru again. felicia was laughing at me yesterday cos i commented that when i'm a a proper practice, i feel full and can't eat aftwards. i really dunno why, but for me its a good gauge to know whether i'm working myself hard enough. andi obviously wasn't last prac. time to pull up the stockings woman!

aft sectionals the SLs tested me individually. i kinda screwed up the running notes and also certain rhythmic parts cos i was nervous. but that's no excuse. i wish i had the self confidence of kati or emma or salla. they dun care what others think and just do what they want to do. and i dunno why i can't. darn it darn it darn it.

i miss eric like hell. miss calling him bro and hanging at macs with him chatting. oh heck, i even miss being 'bullied' by him. and bcos i was very very very lucky today i saw him at ws today! wheeeee... miss him to bits mannn. he's been really busy, but i think today's his off day or something. he was with sarah anne. so we said hi. i cheered up considerably aft that. went to get some stuff with my mom at century square and then headed home.

oh ya, huda was really right abt the fact that you can't finish your food when you graduate frm sec sch. ( ok fine, i admit the fact that i din eat much in sec sch either, but seriously, there is something funny going on) i mean last time when i was in prcs i ate only aft school, but i could finish everything on my plate. (thanks to alvin! wheeee) now i can't. its like, around 1/2 to 3/4 of the food is left there uneated and yes, wasted. i really feel for those kids in africa man, they shld have it not me. esp since my stomach has somehow shrunk. bleah. so yea huda, i'm not laughing at you anymore k sweets.

oh btw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearie cuzzie adaweyah...Hyvää Syntymäpäivä!! =)

till next time,

marlz

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 02, 2005

fizzy tea

4/02/2005 09:14:00 ap.

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