I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2005

donate blood

today was a relatively bad day. it started out really badly, the usual ppl arguing in the morning. bad bad way to start the day.

school. tiring. i was running from class to class. then came pccg. i really applaud anand for sharing with us that particular story, he was very brave. then i started to think, what if i didn't share what i needed to, then what would happen if they found out from outside sources. (which is bound to happen) so i took that step to tell them what i needed to. but i first asked them not to judge me based on what i said, and what i had done in the past. i guess they took it ok. i was pretty teary eyed throughout the time i was telling it. but i rather they heard it from me and not anyone else. i made nursila cry, which i feel really bad abt. which made me cry. we girls were in a very sombre mood aft that, but anand made us feel very much better during class nominations. their posts are so cute. whiteboarder, class warden and secretary of defence. so weird. i don't think other classes have such posts.

the day was starting to look brighter for me. aft i settled the class stuff i went to the hall to donate blood. was very fun. it didn't hurt at all, contrary to popular belief. sheesh. when they said it doesn't hurt then it really doesn't, why doubt them?

went for sectionals. at first it was fun lar. cos i sort of avoided being pulled outside by vincent. but aft awhile i couldn't avoid, so i just went. and i played terribly. cannot make it. so anyways, aft that i felt very depressed. you know, i've been contemplating pulling out of syf altogether the past week, sort of hinting to fu quan abt it. but today i told them officially, and i cried (again! twice in a day, not gd) fu quan, geraldine and wee kiat tried to talk me into syf, but i still feel like i will only drag the band down. aft all, my part is but a minor one. i've been trying my best, bringing the clarinet home to practise, but i just cannot get it right. and with 3 weeks left and a Gold with Honours on the agenda, i feel that its a hopeless situation. of course, if i were better, and if i had more time i would feel better abt being in syf band, but its not that way.

band sort of proves my argument on loving something/someone. its that sort of love where you get annoyed by the thing, or person, but at the same time you accept its fault and can't live without it. take for example, your mom. i mean, every mom totally annoys you with their incessant nagging and lecturing, that sometimes (and you can't help this) you wish they just would stop. but when it comes to a time where you have to live without that incessant nagging, you can't seem to bear to be without it. thats the exact case with me and band. i get so irritated, frustrated and agitated. but i just can't live with out it. its a total contradiction in itself, i know. but its just like that. band has brought me to tears the most times. in fact, even in sec school, the times i cried were mostly over band issues or to do with band ppl. its stressful ( yes i know i make it stressful for myself, but isn't that what every musician wants? the best, at all costs) but i can't seem to get enough of it. it just proves my theory that one is only in love when there is tolerance, annoyance, yet this element of adoration and affection involved. get my drift?

if you don't then oh well, nvm. back to the story. geraldine was super nice. she got me tissue and stuff like that and really took care of me. (thanks geraldine, you're super) and tried to help me practise. i know that you have a very different opinion over this issue, but i can't help it. thats me, my nature. if getting rid of one member to get a gold is the solution, then so be it. but i'll try anyways, for your sake.

for now i'm dead beat, still have band tml. still comtemplating whether i should pick up the form for joining exco for band and whether i should turn up for tmls practise. i want to go, but yet, i know that i'll come home with my heart in my boots. as heavy as heavy can be. sigh. what to do what to do.

till i decide what to do

marlz

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2005

donate blood

4/15/2005 02:49:00 ip.

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