I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2005
coffee
2nd post for the night. why, you may ask? bcos i really went to get coffee. turned out to be a bad bad bad idea. i'm so not going to sleep tonight. feel like someone with ADHD. cannot sit unless i have to concentrate. like when blogging. so i resorted to this. remind me never EVER to have ANY caffeine WHATSOEVER after 6 o'clock. my system says 'doink' and then you see me doing really dumb stuff.
whiner whiner whiner. yea, i've been whining and whining. and using 'ewwwww' alot the past few days. its called lack of sleep.
also, i'm kinda bothered abt something. abt ppl. its always abt ppl.
a panel of a thousand judges i face by the hour. a million faces glare straight at me. a billion voices chorus, resounding in my head. you're wrong you're wrong they tell me.
the I's tell myself i hate you. and the myselves tell me they do too. am i such a loathesome creature? why is my very existance wrong? will i ever set things right, before the next judge comes along?
enough of that. i expect too much of myself sometimes. i need to lighten up. and stop thinking so hard. they tell me to write my thoughts down, however insignificant they may be. but so many thoughts flash through my head, so fast that i can hardly catch them myself. how am i ever to put them into words. some thoughts i 'see' in my head. others i 'hear'. and others i 'feel'. the ones i see are very visual. thats the part i try to tap into when i write something descriptive. i can 'hear' adjectives,as well as i 'see' them. like when i think of sound concept, its also a combi of hearing and seeing in my mind. when i think of sound, i think of instrumentation. then i hear the sound, and at the same time, i 'see' a colour. for example, if i 'hear' an ensemble of lower brass instruments, say...trombones and euphoniums with a few horns, i would 'see' a lovely bronze colour. not too dark, not too light. throw in a few trumpets into the ensemble, and i see a royal red. add tubas and i see magenta, or purple. if you change the balance within this ensemble, i would see another colour, you get my drift? i don't know how to explain it. that's why i find many of my thoughts so hard to express. so i keep quiet. but them it builds up, like a bottle getting heated. and POP the cork flies off. all my ideas and thoughts come flying out, and you'll see me stoning somewhere quietly trying to get a hold of myself. blogging has always been an outlet for me to express some of these feelings. but the key word here is SOME. in fact, its a very very small percentage. i really wish i knew how to manage my thoughts you know. arrange the things that go on in my mind. sigh. if only.
i've been feeling rather nostalgic the past few days. thinking of finland and the next time i will go back, which will prolly be straight aft a lvls. but i wish i could go earlier. somehow, i feel like i belong there, though i've spent most of my life in singapore. even learnt how to speak english in singapore. i want to go back to Lappeenranta and all the things i did there. to that hockey game. to the hohto keilaus. to lyseo. to linnotus. walk by the satama. stand on the edge of that lake just breathing. loving the world. enjoying the fresh fresh air that you only get in finland. i love it there. and it makes me desperate to go back. however, i do not wish to be alone there. i wish my whole family could go with me the next time i return, and stay there forever. ultimately, that is what i wish to do. go back, stay somewhere near the coast, or near a river. the thought of it all just makes me feel insane. will i ever? do i have to sacrifice it for my family, or do i sacrifice my family so that i will live in a place where i feel most comfortable? where i feel that the air i breathe is rightfully mine? that the soil under my feet is familiar? why is it that when i'm here, right in my own home, i feel so homesick? but when i was there alone, i felt only a great longing for my family, but not to return to the place where i was raised in? i feel weird. torn between two worlds.
i think i've gone bonkers. must be the caffeine. note to self. refuse all coffee you are offered tml. not gd for the system.
till i get sleepy
marlz
4/12/2005 01:42:00 ip.