marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 18, 2005
beauty
in a sense this is for jake, since he asked me to write on beauty a long time ago, and even know, i give him a slip shod attempt. but i hope it will suffice and that he'll forgive me since i'm sooo tired and sleepy.
I’m rather annoyed with how laggy my computer has bcome which makes it very very difficult for me to do anything. That poses a serious problem to me. Why? Bcos teachers are now posting more and more notes and e-learning modules up on the IVLE and its very difficult for me to do anything with a laggy computer. Esp with the E-learning modules. Curses! I hate technology and anything to do with it (besides blogging that is, since it is so much easier to type than write) and I don’t like teachers who like to do things over the net. So much easier if they just do everything in class like every conventional teacher does. I’m more of a traditionalist, if you haven’t noticed by now.
Anyways, other than my annoyance over my computer and its lagginess, nothing else has really spoiled my day for me. Ok, I admit, so that stupid incident this morning did kinda dampen my spirit. Bleah. But other than that, I’ve been on a high all day since tomorrow eric is coming back. Wheeeee. *marlz does a jig* sohappysohappysohappy. He kinda proved his point when he went away, that I will miss him as much as he missed me when I went away. The difference was that I was away for 3 months and he, for a mere 10 days. Yep, but the 10 days have crept by really really slowly without my bro, and I’m really looking forward to his return. (though I can’t meet him at the aeropuerto) absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Oh ya, I meant to tell Ying jie that she can’t give the title ‘dumbo’ to Vanessa anymore, it currently is mine. Why? Well, I was really really dumb/stupido/bodoh this morning. I woke at 4 to come to school, bcos when Ms Sia said that there was prac at 5.30, I assumed it was 5.30 am, and not 5.30 pm. So I rushed to school, since the first bus came only at 5.30 sharp. To my horror, upon my arrival at the school gates, I not only found that there was no other band member in sight but yours truly, but I also found the gates of the school to be locked. So there I stood, feeling very sheepish and also very miserable and wondering how dumb I could get. So what else could I do but sit down, take out that monster of a book and start reading. I waited and waited and waited. And when the hands on my watch approached the 7.30 mark, I felt relieved since I thought that there was going to be assembly. But noooo, I was being stupid AGAIN, since Monday mornings are late mornings, and so I had to wait a further 2 hrs. its only now I realise how kiasu I really am. Geez.
However, I did kinda enjoy my time in the school so early in the morning. Just being there, listening to that hush around campus. That delightful stillness that I love revelling in. It reminds me of the times I was in lukio in Finland. Walking to school slowly in the mornings, listening to the church bell toll. Having a marvellous time in class and then running with the wind, all the way to the lake Saima. Then I would stand there on the water’s edge, wondering how long it would take before the ice would freeze over completely and be thick enough so that I could walk on it to the nearest island. (the ice never did this, which remains to this day, my greatest disappointment about that particular winter) watching the ‘sininen hetki’ or the ‘blue moment’ when this calm decends onto earth and makes you think you’re looking at the world with blue-tinted glasses. Feeling the gravel crunch beneath my heels and breathing, slowly inhaling that cold fresh fresh air. I felt alive. I felt grateful. I felt safe. How I felt today in school, all alone, felt a bit like that, but not quite. I still miss Lappeenranta and the fresh air there.
Oh well, enough about Finland, I’m hoping to go back soon. Very soon. Back to the mundane story of my life.
Well, so aft being the dumbo of the year, I finally found my classmates. Went for lectures. Went for tutorials. And finally, went for band. I was pretty useless during today’s prac since she focused a lot on Sg Rhapsody and only ran thru Invictus once. How sad. I just sat there doing nothing but listening to the rest. Bleah.
But something nice did happen today during band prac, Joel said he likes my blog and that I write well. Whoots. Really means a lot to me, esp since he’s like the best essay writer (in my opinion) in our school, though I do suppose the comment was meant to cheer me more than flatter me. But still, I really liked that comment.
Which reminds me of something that Justin said about me today. He said that I have a very natural authoritative tone to my voice. Uh oh. Not really a good piece of news to me. But he and Aneesha insisted that it wasn’t a bad thing, since its really subtle. So subtle, in fact, that people do what I say willingly, instead of resenting me for saying what I did. But I find it kind of weird that they think so, since I pepper my conversations with others with ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’. I don’t quite consider them commands, like they do, I think they are more of requests. Maybe it’s a matter of perception? Whatever. I must remember to squeeze in more pleases and thank yous in my conversations. Don’t want anyone to think I’m pushy now, do I. Besides, pleases and thank yous are always a good thing, no matter what the context.
So I got home quite late today, around 8.30. During the bus trip back home I saw this tree outside the interchange and it suddenly made me recall this particular painting in my grandmother’s living room. Its of the ‘silitys rauta talo’ or ‘iron house’. Not bcos its made of iron but bcos its in the shape of an iron. This painting is my fave one of all. It shows the iron house from the corner of the street. Its dark, and there’s this street lamp on just at that corner. And it casts this light over the house, making it look so beautiful, with its snow covered roof and snow flakes drifting quietly down from the heavens. The tree reminded me of that, esp since there was this street light just behind it, casting a light on the tree, making it look so beautiful, just like the iron house. And the funny thing is, I’ve never noticed that tree before, though I have passed it a million times on the way to school and back. I’ve never seen it in that light, or admired its beauty. Night does make things change, for the better. Or maybe its just me, since I’m a night baby. I just seem to like the dark more than light.
My post is getting really long. Enough of my babbling, time to get back to frakenstein, my malay karangan and studying for econs tests. Argh. How frustrating.
Till I meet eric tml…
marlz
4/18/2005 02:38:00 ip.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 17, 2005
mjcsb
went out for awhile to meet huda. talk awhile. you guys should know abt what.
homework. econs is killer. i'm re-reading frankenstein. its the boring-est book ever. but have to stick to it. have to have to have to.
oh, i'm too lazy to tag, so i will reply all tags here.
benny : thank you thank you thank you for all the encouragement. i've been trying my best, but it seems like i can't do as well as i hope. or as i expect. i do know that badn is not abt syf alone. but syf means alot to your batch, and i know that. thats why i wish not to drag you guys down and disappoint the band. but i'll try i promise.
joel : belief in myself. the one of the many things that i lack. like i said, i'll try. stick it out to the furthest of my abilities.
ET : whee, you tagged! thank you for your advice. and then i'll see how it goes.
sat prac. i decided to turn up aft all. why? well, i was blog-hopping and i stumbled across wee kiat's blog. it startled me to see that he was worried over his own performance. particularly his tone and what not (which, in my opinion, is much much much better than mine. talk abt high expectations) i don't believe that i can make it. i don't believe that i can play. but for some reason, geraldine believes i can make it. fu quan believes i can. wee kiat believes i can. it was very apparent by the way they tried to convince me on fri aft sectionals. in three weeks? i doubt so. but for some reason, they believe in me. so i decided to come on sat aft all, no matter how terrible i looked aft crying the day before.
so i came. had sectionals for a while. then had all the woodwinds combined, with ms sia. then during singapore rhapsody ms sia noticed there was no part for Eb alto clar, and she asked me to play third part for Bb clar. but as soon as i touched the Bb clar, i bcame very depressed, for i found that i couldn't produce any sound. the embouchure change was such that i found it very hard to adapt. so i succumbed to tears. AGAIN. darn it darn it darn it. luckily, lunch time came up and i requested that i stay in the band room.
i looked everywhere and found nothing that could calm me. but suddenly, my eyes chanced upon the piano. since the clarinet was making me so stressed, i decided to sit myself down before the pianoforte and play. and finally i calmed down, till eugene came back. when the lunch break was finally over, i felt much much much better. went thru invictus, and i picked up enough courage to tell vincent abt my problem in changing frm Eb to Bb clar. and it was all settled.
so i've decided to stick thru the following pracs till syf. and i hope, and pray with all my heart that i attain that level of perfection required for syf. though i have my doubts abt it, i'll still try. cos i don't want to disappoint anyone. esp geraldine (who's tried her best to help me), fu quan (who's made me feel very welcome and happy in band) and wee kiat (whom i know is kinda frustrated at not only me, but the entire situation, which mirrors my sentiments exactly). so i'll try.
but in the meantime, back to homework and that monster resting on my shelf. its alive, its aliiiiiiivveeeeee!
marlz
4/17/2005 08:51:00 ap.
what has my band come to?
i find it so difficult to let go of them you know. aft all, i did watch it long enough, and aided it in developing into what it has become today. perhaps its my fault? as i said, i had a hand in letting it develop to its present state. perhaps i didn't do enough? or perhaps i did it wrongly?
crestwinds. i was there when we had that very dirty small and rather uncomfortable room on the 4th floor. we had a lack of instruments, (2 or more to one instrument) we had no pieces that we knew how to play properly other than that 'yellow book' and nothing to practice except for our soe (being always stuck at page 6 number 1) i recall crying on the first day, bcos our conductor got worked up and stormed off and i thought it was my fault. then aft some time, i participated in our very first (and proper) ndp performance in school. we then had our first public performance. i remember not sleeping the entire night bcos of it.
i was there when we got our name, crestwinds. i was there when we got our uniform, and complained with all the other girls abt those hideous shoes we had to wear. i cried with everyone else over that one misplaced drumbeat during official opening. i panicked with everyone else when our percussionists' drumsticks mysteriously disappeared during the performance at macritchie. i enjoyed my band camp. i was the right marker during making of our footdrill video. i celebrated with everyone else over our silver in syf 2003. i was there when we had a change in conductors. and finally, i cried on the day that i had to step down aft our crescendo performance.
definitely, it pains me to see how bad the situation is in crestwinds. it isn't about the bronze. it was never about the bronze. i'm happy with whatever you guys get, whether its a bronze, or a cop, or even if you aren't able to participate. why? bcos its always been abt the people, not abt the skill.
crestwinds means much more to me than getting a silver in syf 2003. i'm over that. i can't be bothered anymore with it. what pains me so is the fact that our band people have turned on each other. the people who used to have affection and respect for every member, regardless of post or of ability, have now decided to turn their backs on one another. they bicker, and worse, they do it over cyberspace. what have we bcome? in our quest of what we call our ultimate goal, we have lost what made crestwinds the most havoc and happening cca in prcs.
i really wonder, did i do something wrong while i was in band that caused this kind of animosity between the current band members? that some seed i have planted has grown into this hideous thing that i can't control. i belive its me. i should have done more. and i should have done it properly.
to hear what i've been hearing all week has really made me feel sad, and very very disappointed. i hear of racism, of squabbling, of accusations being made towards each other. what have we become? its sad, very sad.
to all the ppl of crestwinds, whether you were a former member or whether you're currently in the band, i beg that you settle your differences. you can blame me for your downfall if you wish. but i also hope that you see that your 'downfall' isn't the bronze that you got this year. that is an achievement. your downfall is losing that affection, that respect, that unity that IS crestwinds. thats what you are. blame it on me, your senior, for not doing enough while i was around. but please, please, i beg of you, stop the bickering. at least, don't do it on the world wide web. settle it in a more appropriate fashion. PLEASE. i beg of you.
and crestwinds, i'll try and do more, even with my hectic schedule. and even if i can't really contribute that much. but i'll try my very best. i promise i'm, still your number one fan. no matter what.
4/17/2005 08:25:00 ap.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2005
donate blood
today was a relatively bad day. it started out really badly, the usual ppl arguing in the morning. bad bad way to start the day.
school. tiring. i was running from class to class. then came pccg. i really applaud anand for sharing with us that particular story, he was very brave. then i started to think, what if i didn't share what i needed to, then what would happen if they found out from outside sources. (which is bound to happen) so i took that step to tell them what i needed to. but i first asked them not to judge me based on what i said, and what i had done in the past. i guess they took it ok. i was pretty teary eyed throughout the time i was telling it. but i rather they heard it from me and not anyone else. i made nursila cry, which i feel really bad abt. which made me cry. we girls were in a very sombre mood aft that, but anand made us feel very much better during class nominations. their posts are so cute. whiteboarder, class warden and secretary of defence. so weird. i don't think other classes have such posts.
the day was starting to look brighter for me. aft i settled the class stuff i went to the hall to donate blood. was very fun. it didn't hurt at all, contrary to popular belief. sheesh. when they said it doesn't hurt then it really doesn't, why doubt them?
went for sectionals. at first it was fun lar. cos i sort of avoided being pulled outside by vincent. but aft awhile i couldn't avoid, so i just went. and i played terribly. cannot make it. so anyways, aft that i felt very depressed. you know, i've been contemplating pulling out of syf altogether the past week, sort of hinting to fu quan abt it. but today i told them officially, and i cried (again! twice in a day, not gd) fu quan, geraldine and wee kiat tried to talk me into syf, but i still feel like i will only drag the band down. aft all, my part is but a minor one. i've been trying my best, bringing the clarinet home to practise, but i just cannot get it right. and with 3 weeks left and a Gold with Honours on the agenda, i feel that its a hopeless situation. of course, if i were better, and if i had more time i would feel better abt being in syf band, but its not that way.
band sort of proves my argument on loving something/someone. its that sort of love where you get annoyed by the thing, or person, but at the same time you accept its fault and can't live without it. take for example, your mom. i mean, every mom totally annoys you with their incessant nagging and lecturing, that sometimes (and you can't help this) you wish they just would stop. but when it comes to a time where you have to live without that incessant nagging, you can't seem to bear to be without it. thats the exact case with me and band. i get so irritated, frustrated and agitated. but i just can't live with out it. its a total contradiction in itself, i know. but its just like that. band has brought me to tears the most times. in fact, even in sec school, the times i cried were mostly over band issues or to do with band ppl. its stressful ( yes i know i make it stressful for myself, but isn't that what every musician wants? the best, at all costs) but i can't seem to get enough of it. it just proves my theory that one is only in love when there is tolerance, annoyance, yet this element of adoration and affection involved. get my drift?
if you don't then oh well, nvm. back to the story. geraldine was super nice. she got me tissue and stuff like that and really took care of me. (thanks geraldine, you're super) and tried to help me practise. i know that you have a very different opinion over this issue, but i can't help it. thats me, my nature. if getting rid of one member to get a gold is the solution, then so be it. but i'll try anyways, for your sake.
for now i'm dead beat, still have band tml. still comtemplating whether i should pick up the form for joining exco for band and whether i should turn up for tmls practise. i want to go, but yet, i know that i'll come home with my heart in my boots. as heavy as heavy can be. sigh. what to do what to do.
till i decide what to do
marlz
4/15/2005 02:49:00 ip.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 14, 2005
tired
need to use finn more often. everytime i stop using it i get so rusty its just unbelievable. ihmiset, puhutaaan suomeks mesessä! ihan uskomatonta miten huno minun suomen kieli on. päh.
no, koitan sitten kirjoitaa vähän suomea (leo, jos sie luet nyt. älä naura! i'll murder you, i swear i will. bleah) olen hirveen väsynyt, tulin just koulusta. ei mitään ihmellistä tapahtui tänään. hyvin tylsä päivä, melkein nukuin kun oli matikka. lounas tunnin jälkeen minulla oli pääsärky. (oh my God, i have a feeling that last sentence was totally out. argh. LEO DUN LAUGH!!) nursila meni hakemaan minulle aspiriiniä opetajalta. ying jie sitten antoi minulle vähän pääsärky lääkettä ja se autoi vähän.
ok enough enough, i think prolly at this pt leo and my dad will be having a heart attack since its really really rusty. but 1 paragraph is better than nothing. quite frankly, i'm much better at speaking finn than writing it. (though that is a rather lame excuse) i miss salla and emma and kati and...oh heck, i miss the entire IB class. i even miss antti (history teacher) and anne (english teacher) and that remarkably good looking principal who opens doors for me and takes my coat for me. not even an inkling of a chance that THAT will happen in mj. even if singapore were a temperate country. oh well, ppl are different there compared to here. at least there, though i don't fit in, i fit in more than i do here. ppl on the street don't stare at me from head to toe. (really, its as if the ppl who do have never watched tv and seen someone with fair skin and light hair and eyes. or perhaps they have and are wondering why a vampire is walking round in broad day light. jeez)
today during lit we were discussing ambivalence. fun fun fun. if not for that darn head ache. did a bit of talking with alan and justin today. and i bumped into mr chen so many times. how unfortunate. i wonder if i'll be the next on picked on in class since i sit next to lisa. ichimonji. lol. our entire class is a throng of ichimonjies. we drift in and out of class in a semi-concious state. ok, not all classes. usually its in econs and ao math classes that we're semi-concious. with lisa its a totally different story. she sleeps in every class. she even sleeps with her head propped against her hand. gdness. has she never heard of a bed?
myheadhurtsmyheadhurtsmyheadhurts. anyways, crestwinds got a bronze. exactly what i predicted they would get. oh well, sometimes, you just have to face the truth and get on with life. saw some of the ppl's faces when i was on my way home. i don't know the feeling since i got what i wanted last syf. crestwinds ppl, i presume you did your best, so its ok. just start working towards the next syf, or whatever performance you have coming your way k. no point fretting over something that has been already done. i'm still going to come down, support all of you and continue being your number one fan.
the mean things i've heard ppl say abt us j1s is horrible. great, not only do lecturers take the fun out of life, but certain j2s have to act like ogres. like halo, where were you the past year? i thinki should hire mr cowell as my english teacher will make debating so much more fun. imagine me spouting insults all day long, haha. makes me choke just thinking about it.
*marlz bumps into J2 singing for gdness knows what reason* i thought that was absolutely dreadful. and the dancing is hideous. my advice is that you quit sounding like musical wallpaper and get back to studying.
lol. oh well. talking abt laugter i was laughing my head off in front of the com when i read joel's blog this morning. that whole dialog part. yes ppl, i'm helping joel advertise since his is a particularly noteworthy blog. much better than mine with my substandard english.
talking abt blogging. i might actually go on hiatus since i will be mugging. YES mugging, not HUH mugging. i need to catch up alot. esp with econs *marlz groans* i finished all the lit texts already but i haven't even touched econs. whoever invented the whole stupid econs thing had better be dead or i'll make sure he's stoned to death. and yes, i'm CERTAIN its a he. gals wouldn't come up with such a dry topic.
i feel like singing moonriver and a couple of other songs, namely those frm my fair lady and the sound of music. weird urges. bleah. prolly crack the school's windows by this weekend. which reminds me i'm donating blood tml before i go to the band room for sectionals.
see if i can keep blogging regularly, till then, toodles~
marlz
4/14/2005 10:15:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 13, 2005
blood donation drive
today was generally ok. shall not go into the details of my utterly and hopelessly mundane life. anyways, one gd thing which happened was that i finally got my blood donation parents' consent form signed. so its all clear and full steam ahead for me.
talking abt moving ahead. syf for mjcsb is in around 3 weeks time. terrifying. its a very scary knowing that i can hardly play well enough to pass for a school performance, and that syf is that near. the problem is that there is only one of me, or rather, one person holding the E flat alto clar part, who is none other than yours truly. (duh) so i have to push myself doubly hard. i don't want the band to go in with a half-baked alto clarinettist. not even a three-quaters-baked alto clarinettist. depressed. very depressed. i seriously do. i dunno if i should pull out. Gold with Honours is a very very big thing for them. i'm just pulling them back. how depressing. in the past i used to play solos without any problems. now i can't even get thru a part where the entire clar section is playing. what has become of me? coming back for help on fri, seniors said they'll try to help me improve. i hope they can, though i think they can't really do much to help. but thank you for being so supportive. i wholeheartedly appreciate it.
that also brings me to the next topic. crestwinds. tml, their big day. joel was talking to us abt orchid park sec today. congrats to them, Gold with Honours. my prediction for crestwinds when i last met them was high bronze or low silver. i hope they prove me wrong, cos i know what the school thinks of crestwinds. we're labelled the pests, the nuisance cca in school. the very first time we were given an opportunity to go for syf, we refused to go. mr goh said we weren't ready. absolutely true. the co sent their grp in regardless of the fact that they were very new and they came back with a silver. so we got sneered at. we bcame more of a pest. i recall, we din even have a real band room, we resorted to using com labs and shifting rooms frm time to time. finally the time came when we participated in syf. i remember a band camp that lasted for the entire week. i also recall having practices that lasted frm 7 in the morning to 6 in the evening. coming back for sectionals everyday. so we went, the day before co. i remember crying when i came off the stage, cos i was overwhelmed with relief and also happiness. the time i spent taking the section thru sectionals really payed off, (i was the sl then). i cheered and cried when we got a silver. why? bcos we wanted that silver. but the best part was that co, that went for a second time came back with a bronze. sofunsofunsofun.
and so the time has come where my juniors are now going for syf. some advice for all of you. sleep well tonight (i usually don't condone you guys not doing homework, but tonight, JUST TONIGHT, i make an exception. go ahead and sleep early, dun bother abt mugging and stuff like that) don't come late tml morning. don't piss your conductor off in the morning and make him reprimand you. a good start to the day is important. sit straight on stage. showmanship is also very important, though sound is what you need to focus on most. good showmanship makes you better, so remember not to be sloppy. its important to have eye contact with your conductor as well. you ppl are the first/second band in the morning. that can work against you or for you. the judges are more alert, so you must make no allowances. however, since they aren't that bored/tired yet, you do have an advantage. so make use of it. so i wish crestwinds all the best. don't let me down ok, you ppl are my baby project, which i've seen grow frm the start.
my back hurts. again. going to get some rest.
marlz
4/13/2005 11:10:00 ap.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2005
coffee
2nd post for the night. why, you may ask? bcos i really went to get coffee. turned out to be a bad bad bad idea. i'm so not going to sleep tonight. feel like someone with ADHD. cannot sit unless i have to concentrate. like when blogging. so i resorted to this. remind me never EVER to have ANY caffeine WHATSOEVER after 6 o'clock. my system says 'doink' and then you see me doing really dumb stuff.
whiner whiner whiner. yea, i've been whining and whining. and using 'ewwwww' alot the past few days. its called lack of sleep.
also, i'm kinda bothered abt something. abt ppl. its always abt ppl.
a panel of a thousand judges i face by the hour. a million faces glare straight at me. a billion voices chorus, resounding in my head. you're wrong you're wrong they tell me.
the I's tell myself i hate you. and the myselves tell me they do too. am i such a loathesome creature? why is my very existance wrong? will i ever set things right, before the next judge comes along?
enough of that. i expect too much of myself sometimes. i need to lighten up. and stop thinking so hard. they tell me to write my thoughts down, however insignificant they may be. but so many thoughts flash through my head, so fast that i can hardly catch them myself. how am i ever to put them into words. some thoughts i 'see' in my head. others i 'hear'. and others i 'feel'. the ones i see are very visual. thats the part i try to tap into when i write something descriptive. i can 'hear' adjectives,as well as i 'see' them. like when i think of sound concept, its also a combi of hearing and seeing in my mind. when i think of sound, i think of instrumentation. then i hear the sound, and at the same time, i 'see' a colour. for example, if i 'hear' an ensemble of lower brass instruments, say...trombones and euphoniums with a few horns, i would 'see' a lovely bronze colour. not too dark, not too light. throw in a few trumpets into the ensemble, and i see a royal red. add tubas and i see magenta, or purple. if you change the balance within this ensemble, i would see another colour, you get my drift? i don't know how to explain it. that's why i find many of my thoughts so hard to express. so i keep quiet. but them it builds up, like a bottle getting heated. and POP the cork flies off. all my ideas and thoughts come flying out, and you'll see me stoning somewhere quietly trying to get a hold of myself. blogging has always been an outlet for me to express some of these feelings. but the key word here is SOME. in fact, its a very very small percentage. i really wish i knew how to manage my thoughts you know. arrange the things that go on in my mind. sigh. if only.
i've been feeling rather nostalgic the past few days. thinking of finland and the next time i will go back, which will prolly be straight aft a lvls. but i wish i could go earlier. somehow, i feel like i belong there, though i've spent most of my life in singapore. even learnt how to speak english in singapore. i want to go back to Lappeenranta and all the things i did there. to that hockey game. to the hohto keilaus. to lyseo. to linnotus. walk by the satama. stand on the edge of that lake just breathing. loving the world. enjoying the fresh fresh air that you only get in finland. i love it there. and it makes me desperate to go back. however, i do not wish to be alone there. i wish my whole family could go with me the next time i return, and stay there forever. ultimately, that is what i wish to do. go back, stay somewhere near the coast, or near a river. the thought of it all just makes me feel insane. will i ever? do i have to sacrifice it for my family, or do i sacrifice my family so that i will live in a place where i feel most comfortable? where i feel that the air i breathe is rightfully mine? that the soil under my feet is familiar? why is it that when i'm here, right in my own home, i feel so homesick? but when i was there alone, i felt only a great longing for my family, but not to return to the place where i was raised in? i feel weird. torn between two worlds.
i think i've gone bonkers. must be the caffeine. note to self. refuse all coffee you are offered tml. not gd for the system.
till i get sleepy
marlz
4/12/2005 01:42:00 ip.
itepäinen nainen
today. school. tired. starting to notice that there is a certain pattern and three words that repeat themselves in my entries? (ok, other than the word 'really' i know i use it waaay too much) yea, you get my drift. i'm tired. again.
i wonder if i'm strong enough to pull thru jc. sure i'm enjoying it.
for now. i dunno what will bcome of me by the end of the year. i get tired so easily. on top of that the school wants us to engage ourselves in the many activities that they offer. on one hand, i feel like doing it. but i'm also very afraid to. studies are impt. i'm afraid of everything right now. afraid that i won't pull thru the first test. afraid that i end up spending too much time on the other activities in school instead of on studies. afraid that i won't be promoted. afraid that i'll screw up my a lvls. somehow, to me now, the future looks bleak. i don't regret going to jc.
not yet that is. but what if i do in future? then what? shld i pull out now? or shld i wait a lil longer? as i look down my path, all i see is the sun setting at the horizon. and all else is dark, i know nothing of what i will be doing or even of what i should do.
i've seen ppl make decisions in less than a minute. i, unfortunately, am not that kind of person. i have to wait, consider the pros and cons first. go home and mull over it. and even aft i have, i still am half hearted abt my decision. i flit between decisions like a lil faerie flitting around the forest merrily, unsure of her direction. i want to try everything, but i'm afraid that i do, i'll fail.
yes i fear failure. i feel like i can't succeed at anything. that i'm the lowest of the low.
i feel like i will fail, even before i try and i try to break out of it, so i force myself to do many many things. yet at the same time, i feel like its a mistake doing what i do.
i need to break out of my shell so what do i do?
i remember what one of my juniors asked me once. she asked me how i can manage to do everything with such confidence. and i told her that i didn't know. ppl assume that i'm confident at what i do, but i'm really jittery inside. i really wonder how i'll manage in future when it comes to making major decisions. (which i'm very bad at) while i DO hold fast to my core values and opinions, i can't make any decision that involves my own future without any regret involved.
enough of my endless laments. i should get on with what i need to do and just do it. though i feel as if i can't. i must try i must try. though i feel like i will fail. i cannot fear failure. i can't i can't. for if i do, then i will fail.
i don't want to make that same mistake again.on with what i did today. (this post is starting to get boring) got the permanent time table. did some game thing during CI. aft that went for break. aft that GP. then lit, which being my all time fave subject, was very fun. King Lear. blah blah. AO math. annoying as per normal. you know why she doesn't want me to use synthetic division? cos she DOES NOT KNOW how to do use it. AO malay. one of the three girls in the class. how boring. break. geog, double period. that was fun, though i was rather irked by that joke on how races come abt. there is scientific proof to how humans, from one same form, changed into so many different ppl of different forms. esp abt how he talked abt scandinavian. cos I'M frm scandinavia. bite me. then pe talk. found out that the standards aren't that bad aft all. i should be able to sail thru everything BUT standing broad jump, so i need to train for that. other than that, i should get my silver.
me and anisha were laughing over the health and fitness banner in the assembly plaza. yea so i just noticed it. FINE, say it. i'm blur. i'm dense. i have no life. bleah. it says 'Get Hard. Join Health and Fitness'. like hallo, talk abt sexual innuendo. gdness.
aft that i got home. and, like i mentioned in the beginning, i'm tired and sleepy. surprise surprise. i don't sleep thru lectures cos i drink coffee in the morning. i sleep thru homework in the evenings for the exact same reason.
and i found out something today. don't ever sit behind some tall guy with spiky hair during lectures. you'll end up seeing nothing but the back of his head. how interesting. NOT.
at least i say really and roll the r. everyone go rrrrrrr. better than the leally frm you-know-who. shush. *marlz winks*
till my next cup of coffee.
marlz
4/12/2005 10:16:00 ap.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 11, 2005
joel rocks
today. went to sch early early in the morning though i was absolutely shagged frm trying to complete econs and geog tutorials and also frm lack of sleep. i thought i slept wel enough for a camp over the weekend. i was very very wrong. worse, i wasn't really feeling well. i kept coughing and coughing during lectures. and i also felt very cold. wonder whats the cause. 2 weeks in mj and i already fall ill. pathetic. *marlz sighs* on top of that, eric is in sri lanka now, so i can't call him up and chat/whine/listen like i usually do. yea, i wasn't really very happy that i couldn't send him off that sat cos i was at camp. i do remember that i was very very happy when he came to send me off. so sweet right my bro. so i called him instead. only managed to converse for 2 min since he was packing, but i sent with him my well wishes and love. anyways, i'm counting down the days till he gets back.
so what happened this morning. right. assembly. izzat's class is on my right and ying jie's class on my left. really, some ppl haven't given up teasing me since they were pri 2. now i have to bear another 2 years to their endless taunting. maybe i should just step on their faces. PIAK. (ahem ahem IZZAT you know who i'm referring to *marlz pulls innocent face*) ms lai spoke to us abt the sch logos and stuff. made my legs cramped. first lecture geog. continuation on coastal geomorphology. was quite fun. i'm still surviving geog, cos i enjoy it. aft that was ao math. i was realy really really supercalifradgilistically annoyed with mrs quek. it was really the last straw. unlike me, not everyone has taken a math before, so obviously they expect the teacher to explain fully. but it didn't happen. nope, she skipped steps right left and centre. in the end i was so irritated that i interrupted her halfway thru and asked her if she could elaborate fully. sheesh.
well, aft that annoying lecture we went for econs. killer. and worse, we have a test coming up. essay test. i have totally no idea how to write an econs essay. darn it darn it darn it. i'm so dead.
and finally, the lecture i always enjoy the most, lit. sofunsofunsofunsofun. went thru types of narrative. obviously poems are my fave. so jealous of the first 3 month ppl, they got to do 'The Highwayman' during their first 3 months. not faiiir. i love that poem. sigh. oh well, its my fault for not doing at all well for prelims. but hey, i did work my butt off for the o's k. dun anyhow say say.
the rest of the day was pretty boring. i went back and forth between the library and bandrm cos SOMEONE told me yesterday that the band rm would be open frm 2 pm onwards and i desperately wanted to loan out the instrument. i made at least 5 trips, all for naught. jeez. it was fabian who told me in the end that it would only be open frm 5.30 onwards and that i might as well just go for the pw lecture before heading back there again.
enough of depressing stuff. on a lighter note, today is my bro's bdae. turn 13 already, suddenly i feel so old. päh. old my foot.
went thru invictus. so super scared since vincent is going to test us again this week. have to prac have to prac have to prac or i'll die of fright. at least with the prac i'll feel a lil more secure, though my hands will be cold. stupid hands.
oh, i somehow stumbled across joel's(band president) blog. lol, i tagged and he said i rock. lol. you rock too joel! and so does band. whoots~
*marlz yawns* till i get some proper sleep
marlz
4/11/2005 01:57:00 ip.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 10, 2005
invictus
so my last post was on monday. feels like ages ago since this week has been a particularly since this week has been a very very busy one. since monday is covered, and i've forgotten some things that happened, i shall only tell abt the things that happened which i happen to recall.
lemme see...well, generally i've been rushing from lecture to lecture. pestering vanessa to walk faster, laughing at vanessa with ying jie in the canteen, hanging round in the toilet with ying jie bfore ao math. really the ao math teach is annoying me alot. firstly she speaks weirdly, and she loves to pose questions that none of us understand, which, obviously we can't answer. and she told me i can't use synthentic division for FaRT. ok lar, so she doesn't call it FaRT thats frm my previous a math tutor in prcs, ET. she calls it RaFT. lol. anyways, i still prefer ET's version.
somehow i don't really like the word version, it doesn't taste nice. errr. ok, that didn't sound right. ever heard a word in mind that sounds particularly nice to you? well, 'version' doesn't really strike me as a word thats particularly nice. i can't repeat it and 'roll it around my tongue' like a morsel that i really favour. i much prefer the finn word for it, versio. now thats a really nice morsel. hmmm. fine fine, i'm digressing. back to the topic.
so yea, basically what i've been doing this week is slacking around and going to lectures with vanessa and ying jie. went for a number of talks. the one on blood donation really made me very interested in donating blood. i just have to pick up the parental consent form frm the GO. i've also signed up for CIP during the june hols, to be part of a congregation to do the pledge in sign language. uber cool...wheeee...
what else what else. oh yea, i found out my hse and class. i'm in Phobos, the red hse. seems like i'm stuck to that colour. the only time i wasn't in red hse was in EPPS, was in mercury, the yellow hse. i also met iffah in school that day when i crashed the C math lecture out of boredom. really cool to see her again. my CG happens to be 05A202. so far the impression they give me is that they are super friendly, and Mrs Logan, our CT is quite lenient with us. see how it goes, sooner or later some obstacles will come my way, but for now its smooth sailing.
oh my, i've left out the highlight of the week. BAND. yep, everyone knows i'm a band freak. one of the freakier freaks lar, the one who loves sectionals, loves full band even more, and totally digs every time i touch my instrument. ok, the last part has lessened abit since i changed parts. i feel like all my efforts have gone to waste. if you're wondering what i'm talking abt its cos i've been asked to play the E flat Alto Clarinet. vincent (my sl) was asking whether i wanted to try it out, and i said i wouldn't mind, cos i've tried playing bass clarinet before, and well, lets just say that it didn't go too well. so i gave it a shot and the next thing i know i'm assigned the part. i've always liked the alto and bass parts, but i never never expected that i'd be playing. so i took on the challenge. while i'm happy that i can contribute in a better way (since i'm certainly not a gd clarinettist) there is that niggling feeling of regret. i worked my butt off for that merit during the Grade 5 exam. i still recall that i felt very high that day. me, the youngest one taking the practical exam, the one who was so jumpy that i played my scales slurred instead of staccatoed had gotten a merit. the highest score among all the other band students taking the practical exam. but now, i wonder if i might ever get that feeling again. i was hoping to take the Grade 7 examinations this year, with help from Mr Png. but i don't think i will be able to. aft the switch over i find it very difficult to play B flat soprano. i can hardly produce a sound. and the sad thing is that i'm also still adapting to E flat Alto, i find that i'm quite squeaky, and upward leaps, esp when it comes to running notes are a problem. been practising very hard. i hope all goes well.
the sl makes me particularly nervous. my hands go cold when he's before me, literally. and it also doesn't help since i'm the only one with my part, so i get tested alone. its weird though, when the bass clarinettist (i know how to say his name but not how to spell it. hopeless when it comes to chinese names) tests me individually i feel very comfy abt it. or even playing before the other clarinettists, it doesn't bother me. its only vincent. his face so garang for what. and he's so quiet. makes him seem more fierce. sigh. and i have to live with it.
talking abt band, we had sectionals on wed, which was very fun. then on fri we started our band camp. i really like the atmosphere in mjcsb and i dont regret joining. the exco is really cool (though some of them look very fierce) and the other members are very on. so nice.
anyways, back to band camp. we had alot of bonding sessions going on. the first day was more of practice and nothing much of anything else. all the J1 clarinet girls are sharing a room, though abigail and charity weren't there the first night. during prac i got a load of things sorted out, esp when we did the choice piece, which, fyi, is very nice. then we went to check in, took a shower, went to sleep.
next day, morning we had PT. then breakfast, and then the wet games commenced. was quite fun, though i got a lil burnt in the process and now i have red red cheeks. then the J2s went for prac aft lunch, while i got all depressed cos there was this rumour that we wouldn't be practising at all that day. so i wasn't as cheery during the J1 set of games, though i tried hard to be. then we went for a bath, before which joel (our president) told me that we'd be going for sectionals. wheee. so i kinda went a bit mad. took a bath, went for sectionals then had dinner. aft which we had our Dial M.
i really have to say, its the most creative activity that i've ever seen for a camp. alot of work was put into it, and joel was so convincing when he did the story part in the beginning that most of us weren't sure whether we should believe him or not. he really does make a gd actor. it was apparent frm the very first clue that prep was very very well done. kudos to the exco for coming up with Dial M. it really was the highlight of the camp.
aft that we went to sleep. woke up at 6 with felicia since it was freezing and we couldn't slp, so we went for a shower though reporting time was at 9. poor felicia was kinda ill, so i asked her to head home first but she thought she'd stick it out, so she stayed. went for breakfast. area cleaning. then pack up and leave.
i seriously seriously liked this camp. so much fun, and really really un-boring. oh ya, did i mention that i'm gonna pick up a form to run for exco for band. since i figured that i wouldn't be joining council this year, i decided that i might as well contribute in diff way, esp since i'm not a good clarinettist. put of those admin skills which i learnt during my stint in admin dep in council to use. yea yea, so i was part of exco, you wonder why i don't want to join council. i think it'll ruin my studies, so i'll not do it this year. vp post was challenging, and also led toa dip in grades last year. do not want that to happen again. so i'll contribute elsewhere. seriously, i do need some opinions and tips, so yea, all are welcome to tag or comment.
sigh and so the week draws to an end and i have to start on my econs homework which my brain is cracking over now. stupid demand and supply curves. bleah.
nite nite ppl
marlz
4/10/2005 02:59:00 ip.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 04, 2005
vanessa
today was uber fun, thanks to geog and lit. whoots~
lit was so cool, esp the goth part. can't wait till we advance to the texts.
geog, continued with coastal geomorphology, basically we just covered more on erosion. but it was fun as per normal. thanks to who jason and i call ' our dear handsome teacher'. lol.
just visited vanessa's blog. she dedicated a part to me....yay. so i shall as well...
lets see, vanessa vanessa vanessa, my og mate frm alhena 5! yea, she's pretty and very street smart. and half the time, she brightens my gloomy days at mj and leaves my stomach aching bcos of her hilarious antics. particularly those peculiar lil things she says. abt not seeing the water and when she was woken up rudely in the library. lol. yea, we've been thru alot the past orientation and i'm glad i met such a good pal to be with. wheee...thank gdness got someone light hearted to counter my serious mood. esp since she makes me laugh to easily.
so how vanessa? did i fulfill your expectations? lol. but seriously, she really is someone very fun to be with.
today i felt sort of depressed until the break, then guess who came along for a snack and amused me. oh well, as per normal lar i. think too much and take things too seriously.
tml lectures end kinda early, so i'm gonna head down for the crestwinds prac with huda. want to see how they are doing, so close to the syf. hope they aren't cracking under the pressure. i certainly was during my time. cried a couple of times as well. and made certain ppl frm my section cry. sheesh.
guess who i sat next to during econs today? izzat and iskandar. izzat is still as mean as ever, gosh! but since he's just joking i dun take it seriously.
if not for the very 'on' ppl that i've met in mj, i think i wouldn't have gotten this far (though i'm still rather annoyed at the ao math teacher) i'm happy i met such ppl.
till next time,
marlz
4/04/2005 01:56:00 ip.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 03, 2005
deep
deep shades of blue. sigh.
perhaps its just myself. i think too much. stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking. but noooo, i can't. for if i stop thinking i can consider myself dead. so its either i be alive and miserable or dead and, well, dead.
its like what i heard someone said once.
if love was a choice, then who would choose such exquisite pain? ok, well, that person's quote was abt love, but its the same in a sense. same bcos both ways, you dun have a choice, cos its made for you. and you just have to live with it.
well, at least something happy happened today. (though it din really cheer me up) it rained. yea. i consider rain a happy thing. aft that downpour everything is bright and clean and new again.
i miss huda and jake-a-boo today. the two ppl who i turn to for advice. but they are busy. so i shall not bother them.
gonna head down to prcs for band in the coming week. wanna see how their pieces are coming along. yesterday i went thru the mjcsb choice piece for syf. went thru the running parts once thru, i got the hang of it, but i still need work. touch up here and there.
perhaps its monday blues? i dunno. i see ppl who are happy and i think and then my own smile starts to fade. its not that i dun have things to be happy abt, but its bcos i have a number of things to frown abt. i'm grateful for the things that i have, and i think i lack nothing, except that smile that comes frm pure bliss. instead, i feel like crying.
oh heck, perhaps i should cry. haven't in some time anyways, trying my best to be happy and all. i think i will cry. let the tears flow freely for awhile. perhaps thats what the lit teacher meant when she was talking abt drama.
it induces feelings of fear and pity for the hero/great man, which leads to a purging of emotions that has a therapeutic effectcomputer will be gone for awhile for servicing. that means i can't blog. sigh. oh well. no purging of emotions/blogging for sometime then.
till i find my true smile~
marlz
4/03/2005 10:25:00 ap.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 02, 2005
fizzy tea
i realize i've been super impatient and cranky during the past week. and YES, i'm in a pms mode today also. just snapped at my sis. therefore here is the disclaimer for all my beloved juniors who've been asking for advice frm me abt going to jc. jc makes you irritable, it makes you tired and basically, it'll make you the regular crankpot. i've been trying to be myself the past few days and hide the crankiness behind the smile. esp in sch, i mean, there's loads to be done and no time to be cranky. but sometimes its just very difficult. my family gets the most of it. as usual, home being my haven i can't be bothered to be on my guard abt behaviour. so i snap alot. its not good, and i try not to. but sometimes things just irritate me so much that i just can't help it. dunno whats the cause though, my guess is that its the lack of sleep or just the fact that i'm still kinda out of sorts aft joining mj. or maybe i overdid the clapping part during the cheers. i dunno. whatever it is, i hope i stop being cranky soon. its taxing not just on myself, but also on others...
i went to sch today for sectionals. surprised that i was rather early. (ok ok fine, i'm ALWAYS early SO THERE ppl, i know i'm incorrigible. its not my fault that i'm afraid i'll be late. bleah.) most the the ppl there whom i thought were there for sectionals were actually there for CO. (note for band members : i heard the suona playing when i got there...haha you know what i mean when if i speak of pain right)
hardly anyone was there, just the J2s, and then eventually Benny, one of the J2s, invited me in and chatted with me awhile. still felt abit left out though. i mean, every band has its inside jokes and all. while the mj band has a spirit that is very much the same as crestwinds, i will still have to take awhile to fit in.
and so i come back to the topic of fitting in. i mean, its not really fun being a so-called hybrid.. i mean, someone might say it helps you get introduced with ppl since you're different. but that's just it, ppl want to get to know you bcos to them, you're and outsider, they're curious. they don't get to know you bcos they look as you as one of them, a human being, but they want to get to know you bcos they see someone who is very different frm them. then there are other things lar. like, knowing that you'll never fit in, and then being the brunt of jokes. trust me, i've gone through everything before, and its made me very very very self concious. i may joke around and say that 'i'm unique right? see, you can find no one like me, i'm one of a kind' or smile when you say 'thats so cool' when i tell you where i'm from and what race and nationality my parents are. but sometimes it does make me feel insecure. it makes you feel imperfect. it makes you feel flawed. yea so everyone is flawed. but i'm flawed in a way that it shows more than others. ever imagined how that feels like? terrible. just terrible
my oh my, isn't she the emo one today. nvm, just take whatever i said just now as void. so , back to the topic of today's sectionals. yea. we went thru singapore rhapsody again. its ok i guess. sectionals went quite smoothly, i got the hang of some parts where there were running notes. but i did loan the clarinet for practise. i need it if i'm going to make it for the next practice. i dun want to bluff my way thru again. felicia was laughing at me yesterday cos i commented that when i'm a a proper practice, i feel full and can't eat aftwards. i really dunno why, but for me its a good gauge to know whether i'm working myself hard enough. andi obviously wasn't last prac. time to pull up the stockings woman!
aft sectionals the SLs tested me individually. i kinda screwed up the running notes and also certain rhythmic parts cos i was nervous. but that's no excuse. i wish i had the self confidence of kati or emma or salla. they dun care what others think and just do what they want to do. and i dunno why i can't. darn it darn it darn it.
i miss eric like hell. miss calling him bro and hanging at macs with him chatting. oh heck, i even miss being 'bullied' by him. and bcos i was very very very lucky today i saw him at ws today! wheeeee... miss him to bits mannn. he's been really busy, but i think today's his off day or something. he was with sarah anne. so we said hi. i cheered up considerably aft that. went to get some stuff with my mom at century square and then headed home.
oh ya, huda was really right abt the fact that you can't finish your food when you graduate frm sec sch. ( ok fine, i admit the fact that i din eat much in sec sch either, but seriously, there is something funny going on) i mean last time when i was in prcs i ate only aft school, but i could finish everything on my plate. (thanks to alvin! wheeee) now i can't. its like, around 1/2 to 3/4 of the food is left there uneated and yes, wasted. i really feel for those kids in africa man, they shld have it not me. esp since my stomach has somehow shrunk. bleah. so yea huda, i'm not laughing at you anymore k sweets.
oh btw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearie cuzzie adaweyah...Hyvää Syntymäpäivä!! =)
till next time,
marlz
4/02/2005 09:14:00 ap.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 01, 2005
shagged
yes, i'm super shagged. today is friday. reported to mj relatively early, but was irritated by the number of ppl in the bus. i mean, i've never taken buses to school before, at most a few times only. this is my first time in a school where i have to catch a bus to get there. so thats why i'm irritated. i still prefer walking to school over anything else.
ying jie came to school in her tkgs uniform, and she stuck out frm the crowd. ALOT. anyways, she was on mc the day before, so she din know abt the uniform thing. too bad. oh well, we had this talk on library and cip in the hall. the guy telling us abt cip was very gay-ish to me. he even had a weird way of speaking, like he couldn't say plain twenty or anything, he HAD to say twentaaaay. like, what's with the drawl man? shu hui spoke to us also. been some time since i last saw that AUNTY. i remember she cried last time in band when ruz screamed for the phantom of the opera piece, cos she nearly had a heart attack. was very brave of her to be in front of all of us.
so aft all that crap ying jie, vanessa and myself had a 2 hr break, so we decided to go to the library to study. met jason on the way, so me and jason went to look up the geog books. so sad, there wasn't any geog lecture today. vanessa was cracking her head over c math, i was revising econs, jason was revising geog, and ying jie was sleeping. she said that libraries are meant to sleep in. the ao math lecture was so darn simple she just went thru intersection and union of sets. soooo sec 3. did the assignment very quickly and then slacked thru the rest of the lecture. the lecturer wasn't that good either. she wasn't very sure of her answers and kept making tons of mistakes. gdness. what have i gotten myself into.
aft that we had the paper 1 lecture for lit. shakespear, the lecturer was mrs loh. she's quite ok. anyways, i enjoyed that lecture the most today. i also noticed many ppl pon lecture. lol. i guess thats normal.
aft lit we had common lunch. the three of us headed down to ws to slack, since we THOUGHT we had one and a half hrs free. note, we THOUGHT. when we went back for the econs lecture we were puzzled bcos the lecturer had not arrived 15 minutes past time. in the end, we realised that it was the fine print that stated that the lecture was shifted to half an hour AFTER the usual timeslot on fridays. darn it darn it. we spent that time reading up on econs. aft that stupid lecture we were actually supposed to have a break for 45 minutes bfore the pw lecture. but we decided to crash the earlier pw lecture so we could be let off early.
i ended around 4.45 and was heading home when KZ showed up and asked me how come i was not going for band. so i ran back to school frm ws. was a bit late, but not so late that i was scolded. bsides, i really had NO idea that there was band today. we started at 5.
the conductor is really cool. nv had a lady conductor bfore. they say she's strict but i find her really funny and cute. so we ran thru the syf pieces. singapore rhapsody is so easy. got it pretty fast. the one i had probs with was the choice piece. there are so many running notes that i couldn't catch up, but i did manage to get the jist of the entire piece. we ended at 9.15 and then i went home. you can imagine how shagged i am now. esp since tml there's sectionals at 9.30. i dun mind spending time out of home, but sometimes it gets quite lonesome when there is no one to acc you home and its late. last time i always had someone who'd send me home in the evenings if we ever stayed late in sch. usually eric or jon jon. i cope with it, but i dun like it.
so now i'm shagged, really want to KO but i dun feel like KO ing. darn it darn it. at least i dun have to crack my head over c math like vanessa. good luck to her.
today's april's fool joke was hilarious. shld have seen teh look on kelvin's face. haha.
till i get un-shagged~
marlz
4/01/2005 02:48:00 ip.