I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

tiistaina, helmikuuta 15, 2005

updates

currently in love with : the second you sleep-saybia

yea yea, so i'm guilty. i haven't updated for sometime. BUT i have been visiting blogs regularly and i notice other ppl have also not been updating regularly. so HAH. dun blame me if i take a blogging break once in awhile.

changed the song on my blog. hope you guys like it. john mayer =)

so, aft being home i've been sleeping in, playing, cycling, catching up with friends and calling loads of ppl. and FINALLY i'm un-jetlagged. such a relief.

finished reading the Da Vinci Code in one day. lol. but i loved every moment of it. been doing loads of stuff. mostly, cycling and visiting ppl. enjoying life, being free, while it lasts. aft o's means either jc or work before poly starts. i hope its the latter though. but if my parents wish that i enter jc or ci and if i qualify (which i seriously doubt i will do) then i will do as they wish.

been revelling in music. loads of it. all types, from bach to usher. then i've also found time to hunt down some good books and also do some research that i've been wanting to do. yes, you read it right. RESEARCH. exploring ideas, trying each one, looking at its pros and cons. trying to adopt other ways of thinking and see if it suits me better than what i've been doing before. basically, what i'm doing with my free time now is exploring. doing things that i thought of doing but never got through with it. stuff like that. oh, and of course. ps2 with my mom! its cool when your mom is engrossed in playstation 2. i suppose the interest will wear off in time. i mean, its new and so we're into it. we've never had an opportunity to play videogames. (so i sound like a deprived kid, but hey, better late then never)

kind of worried about some things. travelling is like putting your problems in your luggage and bringing it around with you. just that they are hidden in your luggage, so you don't face them. but when i came home, i had to unpack all my problems and look at them again. its disturbing. its hard. its makes my head hurt. i thought i could run away from certain problems by being far away from certain ppl. i guess i was wrong.

enough of that. anyways, i went out with eric. really, not meeting him for so long made me realise how much of a friend he is to me. really, i'd consider him my best friend. same place and same time. caught up on a lot of things. ALOT can happen in 2 and a half months. quite surprised with some of the stuff he told me about.

then i went out with huda. miss her so much. went cycling to pasir ris park. she's never cycled there from home before though she's lived in pasir ris for so long. (she's more deprived than me) sat near the beach and talked. was in the evening so it was cool. weather was great. i noticed how much i missed the smell of sea air, how it plays with my hair. i never saw the sea in finland. that day was great.

i always come back to the same topic aye. the sea. somehow, not seeing it while i was away made me feel trapped. like i was in some box. yea, the country's land area is huge compared to singapore. but not seeing the sea. it made me feel as if i was stuck somewhere where i couldn't get away from. perhaps i'm daddy's girl after all.

went to parkway with relatives. quite fun.

also met oke and adeline in macdonald at lp tonight. chatted and stuff. talked abt future plans. laughed over the silly things we did before and the nonsensical things that happened in school.

notice that most books have happy endings? that trick us into believing that everything will be ok. that some prince charming will come, sweep the girl off her feet and take her to a place where she doesn't need to worry. how come, books don't tell of the people who suffer their entire lives? who end up beated and bruised, with no one to take them away to that refuge? those who die alone. those who hae a painful death. those who have been wronged. those who have been hurt so deeply, that even time cannot heal them? ever wonder what happened to the prince and the damsel? i doubt they live happily ever after. its not true. there is no happily ever after. why don't books tell us that the couple fell out of love? or that the prince died of cancer?

nothing morbid here. just that well, i find it annoying that the most popular and most loved books are the ones that trick us. that tell us that there will be that happy ending. that ppl will live in peace for ever. they tell us fables, lies, but everyone wants to read us. oh tangled is the web we weave when we first learn to deceive

no one wants to read the newspapers because they are too real. they tell us that there are ppl around the world who can't even afford a slice of bread. there are ppl dying of thirst. that there are ppl suffering. and so little give any notice. quite frankly, i think that the current generation. the youths today are spoiled. they think everything will be alright.

i had this discussion with my mother on me going back to finland for university aft pre-u. i don't have to pay tuition fees, but i'll need to find board, and feed myself. that means getting a job. being alone. ppl tell me not to do it. they say its too difficult. some others, they hear only the free tuition part, and think its easy. my grandparents being there and all. they live far away, many kilometers away. in fact, it takes 3 hrs on the fastest train to get there. my parents tell me its going to be hard. i know it is. but thats life. its hard. and whatever i face would be piece of cake to those ppl you read abt in the papers who have no food or proper shelter. its hard, but i want to do it. bcos, it will cost too much for my parents any other way. bcos i don't want to burden them. bcos i need to stand on my own feet, sooner or later. my parents had it hard too. its going to be my turn in a matter of time. i'm scared i admit. but i have to do it. i have to move forward and overcome it. no matter how afraid i am. i have to get knocked over one day too.

talking abt knocks. hard knocks leave dents. always remember that. if one is harsh, probably, someone has been harsh to that person too. hard knocks leave dents, get it

well, enough of my babbling. i have forgotten to wish everyone

HYVÄÄ YSTÄVÄN PÄIVÄ!!

or, happy friendship day. =)

gd nite to one and all, sleep tight.

marlz

tiistaina, helmikuuta 15, 2005

updates

2/15/2005 04:29:00 ip.

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