I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, joulukuuta 16, 2004
school
i'm turning nocturnal. turn in at 11 or 12. toss, turn, toss, turn. get up, drink water. read a few paragraphs of LOTR. toss turn toss turn. until i sleep at around 2 or 3. its not that i don't want to sleep. i cannot sleep. and what do i do in the time i toss and turn? i think. yep. i plead guilty to thinking before sleeping. but i cannot really help it.
i try all my sleeping positions. try to see which helps me to close my eyes and sleep better. none work. i end up waking up many times at night, for reasons i don't know. my dreams, they're broken and faded. so strong one moment, so faint the next. when i wake all i remember are small lil parts, small broken parts of my dreams. not even a whole part sometimes. i just remember that strange person. or that strange thing i saw. i don't have my normal dreams anymore. weird and disturbing as they were, i wish they come back. at least, i can sleep soundly through those dreams.
i woke up very tired this morning. went to school. history. thought the teacher was late. the teacher was not late. he was in imatra. saw him on screen. all history lessons involve video conferencing. this will be the last history lesson for the term. and the hols start. frm this fri till 3 Jan. so we just discussed Gustav and his reformations. Swedish rule and the parts of the centralized state. nvm. long story. Kati had a swedish test after that, so she wasn't there for English. Mitjo gave me a nice smile this morning. the only person who did smile and said hi. no one else did. Kati did in class, but outside, i was all alone. doing nothing. the English teacher Kopponen gave me a smile too. she's very nice. she went and got a book for me to use during english lessons.
handed in my essay today. don't really have to bother about it until next term. Jan. sigh. wished i would can get it back earlier.
watched that show on wed nights : Queer Eye for a Straight Guy. some makeover show. done by 5 gay men. nvm. its fun.
went to that wind concert. had a junior wind orchestra. they weren't very good. reminds me of crestwinds 'under the sea' days. the second was a ensemble of eupho kids who were barely in school yet, they just started 3 months ago. went terribly wrong. nobody watched the conductor or listened to each other.
senior orchestra. not that good either. something around COP or bronze standard. there were a few good ppl there. the first trumpet was marvelous. she supported her whole section alone without a single note off pitch, or a break in her sound. very good air support. the trumpets weren't that bad altogether, but the thirds and seconds could not be heard. the trumpet solo was executed perfectly. first clarinets. kinda squeaky. but otherwise were ok. first flute was good. performed all running passages and unlike most flute sections they could be heard. there was only one tuba player. he did a great job. there was only one french horn, he did ok. bassoon was a dissapointment, as were the euphos. hardly could be heard. oboe was good. percussion. not bad but not good either. i think their problem was not having proper repertoire. they could have done better if they're pieces were chosen better.
nothing much. just very bummed. very very bummed. thats how it goes i guess. its not bcos of my surroundings. its also not bcos of school. the classmates are nice, just that they don't know me. i accept that. they teachers and the principal are nice ppl as well, always go out of their way to see that i'm comfy. its not bcos i'm staying here.
i find relief momentarily. its the times when i make myself almost late for school so that i can run to school. feel the wind in my face. cool air. and not think, just run. its the running. it helps me not think. but i can't run all the time. i'd get so tired. i ran home too. ran, as if something was hot on my heels. its not wise i know to run on ice. to run when its slippery. but when i run, and fall. it makes me laugh. like i always do. fall and laugh.
nvm about that. have to go. good nite to all.
12/16/2004 02:11:00 ip.