I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here

I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.

As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.

Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.

But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.

To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are

<3 M

maanantaina, marraskuuta 29, 2004

college

well well. today i went out lots with säsä. acherlie, i ferz went out with isoäiti to walk. then we went round the city and we saw the schools. we saw säsä's first school and went there in search for some principal. so isoäiti stopped these guys outside the school and asked them. i really gotta avoid the guys here. they're scary. particularly this one at the supermarket that day. these ppl at the supermarket were dressed as superheroes and stuff, gave out free sweets and helium balloons. so well, it was me and isoäiti in there, just walking around, minding our own business and this guy who was giving out balloons came up to me and asked me. would you like a balloon? and gave this sickly sweet smile. i'm not saying he wasn't gd looking or anything. the thing is, why offer a balloon to a tall 16 yr old and an elderly lady? do we look like we are the kind who'd carry a helium balloon? or want one so badly since all the other kids have one. well, its either that, or he was trying to chat me up. gosh.

anyways, we went around. amazing, the number of schools we have in this neighbouhood alone. so we saw most of them. and we also saw this lady that knows isoäiti. and then we met säsä on the road. i followed him into the pizzeria where we were gonna get some veggie pizza. and then aft lunch i went for a walk with säsä again. we went to see the 'old' Lappeenranta. then the army place nearby and säsä's college. you know what. i'm going to college. yep. amazing innit? come for hols frm sch and end up back at sch. the course i'm gonna sit in for is this class for foreigners. everything is in eng. there are also these courses hald in eng, and half in finn. real nice. but well, have to see whatsup there. most of the ppl will be much older than me. but i suppose it'll be nice. going on wednesday.

i have my share of eng shows to watch here as well. very fun. some are cheesy, but well. i make do. also there's a lot of fresh air here. and fun ppl and things to do. though its generally quiet and peaceful. just nice for a holiday.

strawberry juice. really very nice.

gonna take loadsa pics as soon as the camera allows me to. hope everything goes well.

11/29/2004 06:24:00 ip.

piparkakku

i had the worst dream last night. dreamt of HIM. i thought that was already over. i thought that at least, now that i'm far far away from there, i wouldn't be bothered by him anymore. that he wouldn't plague me in my dreams. i'm just afraid of going back and facing him. seeing him again. when it comes the day to go back and see my results, he'll be there again. i'll have to face him sooner or later. i hope its later. and since we are in the same neighbourhood. that makes it worse. gosh. gosh. gosh. DON'T THINK TOO MUCH!!!

worrywart.

yest we din go out in the aftnoon. i resolved to read my book at home. then in the evening we went to isi's old friend, Jamppo's, place. its really very very nice. they have a son and a daughter, Suvi and Juuso. Suvi is my sis age and Juuso is Kalle's age. anyways, isi's friend came over with his car to collect us. and then we went to their house. quite big. i first saw Juuso outside playing sähly/floorball. he's quite good. then we went in. they are all very nice ppl. we got to see they're house. then Juuso came in, and he acted exactly like my lil bro does when there are guests. he was really shy. went in to his room and started to play computer games alone. i drank some juice and we were offered some food. feta and veg pie, choc biscuits, and joulu torttu, which is this jam pastry, and pulla,or sweet buns. i tasted abit since i wasn't that hungry. went with Suvi into her room to chat. we talked abt school and the diff with finn and s'pore schools. aft that we went home. quite a nice visit.

today its a bit cold. i woke up kinda late since i stayed up to watch saving private ryan. there were finn subtitles and you know what. nothing is censored. so the whole thing is full length and every word and scene is in place. even those parts which would be censored off in s'pore. hehehehe.

today we're gonna make piparkakut. real nice.

to my dearez kor jac, well. i'm sorry. i really didn't know. but i'll try to contact you soon k?

to my dearez veli eric : congrats. really nice to hear that everything is going so well for ya.

to abg : you really shld stop passing messages through my sis. i sometimes don't believe her at all. but i did sleep ok. i did you know.

to sweetie huda : i miss you loadiez. I LOST YOUR ADDRESS! so sorry. pls pls give it to me again?

to the rest of the ppl : I MISS YOU GUYS!

and to my family : continue being nonsensical. and maybe, just maybe i'll bring something back home. everything so pensif!

till next time, tata

always,
marlz

11/29/2004 09:01:00 ap.

sunnuntai, marraskuuta 28, 2004

no wind boohoo

went to the church yest nite. haiyah, not to pray lah. obviously no muslim will go there to pray duh. but there was this concert there. the orchestra was real great. esp the soloist. they played some stuff by Corelli. very very nice. then there was the choir. all male. not as nice as orchestra. but then, i'm biased. i much prefer Baroque to Christmas Carols. particularly when i hardly understood any of the words.

the ppl here are funny. there was this man on the road. i was waiting at the traffic light and he just stopped in front of me. he then asked me in finn " hey girl, have you been in a play group for growing since you're so tall?" haha. funny guy.he then chatted with us all the way to the next traffic light. a seaman he was. cool.

anyways, i called home today. as usual, isi talked nonsense. and äiti was watching tamil show. haha. well. nothing more. tonight we're going to isi's friends house. dunno how that'll go. till next time tata

11/28/2004 08:33:00 ap.

lauantaina, marraskuuta 27, 2004

pancakes and jam

well well. another snowless day. ok, well it didn't snow much. so this morning i woke up at 7.30. isoäiti said we'd be going out to have salmon soup. was kinda weird. i showered ferz then we went out. was quite early. i thought we were going to some restaurant or something. i got the shock of my life. we went to this road. in the middle of it was this truck and ppl were standing around eating soup. so it was all outdoor. and it was free. apparently, this newspaper was celebrating its 10th anniversary and so they gave out free soup. met many ppl. isoäiti's and säsä's friends. then we went out to buy some stuff. suola kurkku and voileipä kurkku. then we also went to see if säsä had made it in time to get soup. then we went to see this lady that isoäiti knew. haha. she acherlie asked isoäiti to bring me over when i came bcos she had a son and he did not have a girl friend. very funny. but i was kinda embarassed.

i'm going to learn how to skate, and that lady (who's very nice mind you) told me that her son would teach me since he plays ice hockey. i feel like i'm being matchmade or something. bleah. at least i'll learn to skate

now we're going to this orthodox church thats up the hill to listen to the choir sing. wonder what it'll be like. till next time. tata.

11/27/2004 03:19:00 ip.

perjantaina, marraskuuta 26, 2004

cinnamon buns

6.30 pm Finn time. 12.30 am S'pore time.

another day here in my grandparents place. it didn't snow today at all. but it started just to snow a lil. well well. alot of things happened

1. i managed to sleep all the way until 8.30.

2. i had a weird dream. something abt vampires. i and a couple others of my friends locked ourselves into this house. apparently, the vampires could shape shift and they could look like my friends. so i threw some so called holy water at each who entered. but one by one by friends in the house became vampires. and i slayed all of them. weird.

3. me and isoäiti baked cinnamon buns! so fun so fun.

4. went out with säsä to the s-market. met some new ppl.

5. read my eng book from the library. sense and sensibility by jane austen. i'm certainly greatful that the library here carries good eng books. whee. did i mention i met my old playmate when i was really young at the library with isoäiti. gosh. i don't even remember him. funny how i don't remember anything but everything or everyone remembers me.

6. went to sauna. definitely something really new for me. cos i don't remember how it was like the last time i went. our sauna here is on the first floor. and i left with isoäiti in my bath robe to climb down the stairs. aiyoh. felt very embarassed. but isoäiti assured me that no one would be there. so it was the 2 of us in the sauna. very hot. and i sweat so much. in the end i could only take arnd 10 min inside there and i went out and took a shower. then i put my bathrobe on and climbed the stairs. very pleasant i must say. refreshing. oh well, i'll be going there every week now.

7. there was a guest over today. liked my peanutbutter cookies. very very nice.

8. i got a new sauna dress. looks kinda cute. will get a pic taken of me with on. seriously, i look like some russian doll when i put it on. very very cute.

9. found out that my abg and kak min were mr and ms prcs. congrats to both. and the pics were beeee-yooo-tii-fuuul. thak you to crystal and company.

10. wrote letters to ppl in s'pore.

see. soo many things done. can't wait for tml. time to watch some tv. miss you guys loads. *muacks*

11/26/2004 04:14:00 ip.

torstaina, marraskuuta 25, 2004

sleet and snow

its kinda wet today. säsä went out just now to see if the weather is good to go out.

i woke up at 3 am. told you that my system is outta whack. so anyways, i woke at 3 was kinda bored. went to the toilet and all, and then tried to get back to sleep. i wished and wished it would snow as predicted. God is so considerate. suddenly i saw glittery feathers fall from the sky. i rubbed my eyes in disbelief. i went to the window and peered out. and sure enough, it was snowing. it came slowly at first. then it truly snowed. it isnt at all like rain. the snowflakes are really light and they swirl around in the air before settling down. imagine the deep freeze section in your supermarket. the cold air blows out and as you see it condense, it forms this wispy whitish misty thingamajig. then combine it with glitter. fine silverish glitter. and there you have it. you'll know what snow looks like.

x mas deco is up everywhere. i sure love the tradition of burning candles here. they're lit whatever the occassion. even without occassion. so fun. and also the cold air is very fresh. its nice to breathe here.

well, its obvious that my finn isn't that good, and i'mm very very rusty at it. but i'm picking up slowly. i even can speak a lil karellian slang now. haha. at least i understand what ppl talk even if i don't speak it too well.

so now i'm going to go out to the library. to pick up some eng books. new reading material. till then tata.

ps. i miss my dinner and phone partner.

11/25/2004 08:41:00 ap.

keskiviikkona, marraskuuta 24, 2004

chap stick

no lipstick. chap stick. but its pink anyways.

so, although my system is messed up i managed to sleep properly until 7.30 am. haha. abg, i held fast to your rules. =)

i woke up. took a bath and then went out for a walk with isoäiti and säsä. its like -10 degrees outside now. the sun rose at around 8++ am. so we headed outside. watched some eng drama on tv. of course it had finn subtitles.

starting to get to know my way around this small town. there are many nice shops to visit. and there are many many many museums. too many to count really. we went to visit the old fort of Lappeenranta. everything is so quaint. and everything looks as if it came straight out of a picture book, or off really nice postcards.

haha. i found a rasmus cd in my room. nice nice. also i found that i look weird in a bath robe. but i have to get used to it since its the finn way of doing things

so anyway, at the 'old Lappeenranta' we saw this old orthodox church. the buildings here are super old. some even go back to 1700 and 1800, even before raffles found singapore in 1819. so we saw the fort and all these monuments. we also went to see the satama, or the beach. its really nice, and the entire water is iced over. but it isn't enough until can walk on the ice. aft seeing the fort we went to this kahvila, or coffee house. it was really nice. the kahvila was inside this place which was originally built as a home for some Swedish guy. really nice and warm. very cosy. many old stuff and pics. so had some warm cocoa and sat at chatted with isoäiti and säsä. the view was nice, esp with the sun on the snow. it shone like glitter.

so aft that we went to the shop to buy some stuff. its now only 2 pm and its starting to get dark already. thats how it is in finland i guess. so well, now isoäiti is preparing lunch. i oughta go help here.

miss you guys in s'pore and send me your pics frm prom!

genie, thanks for the help ya? hope to send you a postcard, can you give me your address?

11/24/2004 01:19:00 ip.

tiistaina, marraskuuta 23, 2004

frostbite and running noses

wah. my flight was thirteen hrs of torture. and i drank too much coffee onboard, so i didn't get enough sleep. but anyways, to the darlings who sent me off, i thank you. eric. shimin. eileena. chai yun. bao ling. and hubby oke. well. so, i set off on this month adventure alone. and so far, its been ok

so the flight. my butt bcame pretty sore. and the flight attendants weren't that nice. there was this one finn lady, but she got off at bangkok, since my flight was via bangkok. alot of finn ppl came onboard at bangkok, and also there were new flight attendants. they weren't any better. except for this one guy. he smile smile and always ask if i was comfy. and yes he was hot ok. sorry, i got no pic to show. but dang, was he hot. the movie they screen was also very nice. spiderman 2 and around the world in 40 days. i listened to every channel of music to battle boredom, and yes, it included the techno and jap hits channel. sheesh.

it was snowing when i touch down. very nice. everything was covered in a white feathery blanket. met my säsä, that is my grandfather and his friend. his friend sent us to the railway station. get this, i'm still considered at kid in Finland and so i get the childrens' fare for the train ticket. haha. so well, this big kid went stupidly to the platform without a wrap. and it was cold. seemed so surreal. well, it still seems surreal. the train station was like something out of a story book. imagine harry potter and the hogwarts express. YES. I'M NOT KIDDING YOU. so well, it was a 3 hr trip to Lappeenranta. very nice. the scenery also very nice. but no pics cos camera ran out of battery. *pouts* oh well, just believe me it was spectacular. took a taxi to my isoäiti's place. very cosy very nice. but very cold. thank gdness inside got heater, my teeth were chattering.

felt a bit homesick at ferz but i went for a walk with isoäiti and it cured my homesickness. the places here are very very nice, tml i'll be going down to the beach. however, i need to hit the sack at an appropriate time bcos my system is out of whack due to the time diff and too much coffee.

ppl here look like eskimo on the streets. and the ppl here all so tall. make me feel like munchkin. some are nice enough. others aren't. but ppl will always be ppl and we can't change that.

to huda : that was a really nice gift. i really appreciate it. you take good care ok.
to eric : i want updates on your baptism. and pics of your purple hair. haha. expect something in the mail soon.
to jacob : thanks for the greeting. and expect loads of things coming your way.

FINALLY

to that annoying person who flooded my tagboard. buzz off. its getting on my nerves.

11/23/2004 05:08:00 ip.

perjantaina, marraskuuta 19, 2004

shutter. more like shudder

so. THE O'S ARE OVER!!!!!!! for me at least. wheeeeeeee~

i ran home. changed my shirt. grabbed my wallet. when to pick huda up. and we went to watch a movie. so fun, go in half u.

anyways. huda was terrified. payed to watch a movie only to close her eyes throughout the show. haha. here's a lil something of what happened in the cinema. i know huda will kill me this but. haha. its funny.

show starts. acknowledgement stuff.

huda closes eyes

h : mar. scared ar. dun want dun want.
ms : hands down lah huda, nothing yet lah.
h : are you sure a not mar? you dun bluff me ar.

half way through the show. starts to get scarier.

huda covers her face with the popcorn.

h : mar, what happening ar mar?
ms : you open your eyes and see lah. *laughs*
h : dun wan dun wan.
ms : then i don't tell you what happening.

takes popcorn away frm huda and hands her her kacang.

ms : nah, eat kacang. you had too much popcorn. wait you cover you face again.
h : aiyah mar.

scary part comes. huda accidentally opens her eyes.

h : aaaaaaah!
ms : *laughs like maniac* aiyah, nothing already lah huda.
h : all your fault. i'm going to die ok mar.

LOL. funny right. k lah, k lah. dun disturb her already lah. she just isn't used to it. and since she was so pale aft that, until i had to send her home. seriously, that show was rather predictable at times. there was some very good jokes. at some pts it made me jump, but hardly, mostly towards the end, and only once or twice. the ending was quite sad. but overall, i find the show funny. and if you find it scary, its only bcos of the music ya? if you're that scared, plug your ears and read the subtitles. haha

so tml having guests over. going away on monday. i'll miss you ppl. *smiles* but at least i'm not going forever.

to adeline and quinsy. i'll miss you too. *muacks*

and to eileena. i'll miss you many many many many *muacks*

and since i'm in a gracious mood. to the spastic monkey. i'll miss my enemy as well. but i thew my grudges out the window. so i won't miss you . haha. anyways, gd luck for that last paper you have on monday.

11/19/2004 02:47:00 ip.

torstaina, marraskuuta 18, 2004

going going going gone

to those who do not know, i'm going away. to finland, to finland and off i go. so. there is one paper left to tackle. chemisery. i'm still sick. gonna be very uncomfy there since its winter. and its cold.

first reaction from ppl whom i've already told abt my trip.

"WHAAT?? SO SOON?!"

yep. i'm going on the official last day for the rest of the sec 4s. 22nd November, monday. evening flight. i had hoped for transit. it'll be less tiring that way, but Isoaiti said no and that i have to fly Finnair instead. oh well, her choice anyways, she's paying not me. oh ya, to all taking the paper on monday, particularly my beloved oakley bros. good luck. do you best. and yes yes yes, it includes the spastic monkey.

next reaction from ppl whom i've already told abt my trip.

"WHAAAT?! SO LONG?!"

nvm how long i'm gone. its long. even for me. wonder if i'll freeze since i haven't been there for some time now. ok, a long time now. so i'll freeze. sheesh. i'll miss eric most. hehe. my bestest bestest, favourite brother. it'll be boring without his chatter and jokes. and our cylcing trips. and him forever going on and on and on about blades. yea. i'll miss eric. haha, happy being bored here. no more sms from me, or dinner with me either for 3 months. just take care of yourself ok? and NO, you're NOT fat. so eat more. hehe.

ah, that reminds me. chay ker flew away yesterday. mannn. i'll miss him loadies too. i'm NOT blur. get that? hope you read this. i promise to leave many many many things on your blog. and send you postcards and a x mas card. so many that i'll flood your mailbox. and thank goodness Isoaiti uses msn. it means i can keep in contact with everyone. though s'pore is 7 hrs ahead.

well, happy prom to everyone who's going. take many pics and let me see when i return ok? till 1st Feb. tata

11/18/2004 02:49:00 ap.

maanantaina, marraskuuta 15, 2004

hari raye

selamat (jeng3) hari raya (jeng3)

okokok, being raye crazy here. so, i'm sick. yep, sick as hell. even eric said i sound like a frog. and the meds. they taste funny. acherlie, they don't taste funny. they taste bad *bleah* but i have to take them. darn.

so why did i fall sick when i'm supposed to be having a great raya? well, it all started the second last day of puasa. so, i was up happily watching a bit of tv, when my mother ups and decides to wash the windows. at 12 midnite. so what, you expect me to sit there and watch her do it. obviously no. i'm a good daughter. *gags* so i get my butt off that chair and help her wash the windows. done. then she decides that she has to put up the curtains. gosh. the NEW curtains. get this. THEY NEED TO BE IRONED. so she irons them, i prepare them for hanging. done. and then, of all the things that happens. we find out that the curtains are too long. terlampau panjang. and my mother being someone who wil grumble and grumble as she sews, i offered to sew the curtains by hand. since she refuses to get a machine. and so i start on that laborious task, valiantly trying to stay awake, while my mother sits and waits for me to finish. that done, i thought i could sleep. but no, there's more cleaning to be done. at last, i managed to get a few hrs of sleep. i k.o.ed at 6 pm bcos although i went to bed earlier, we have ppl who snore in my hse. gosh.

next day. wake up aft 3 hrs of sleep. clean my room. clean the hse. clean this. clean that. clean everything. do some last minute kuih making. get dirty. by 2 pm, we pack. we go to AF hse. stay overnight. my eye swells up. *grumbles* it recedes aft a few hrs. clean up. thought i cld sleep early. so i tried. i woke up at 2 aft 2 hrs of sleep. why? bcos i couldn't sleep comfortably. watched AF cook, until arnd 6. tried to sleep. woke up aft 1 hr.

so the raye things start. so kecoh. noisy. and the ppl smoke in my face, as if i wasn't sick enough. meet ppl whom i do not wish to meet. met ppl whom i love. drink this. eat that. all in that pink baju kurung. *sighs* laugh alot. then my dad came. he wanted to go home, so i thought i'd follow since i wanted to escape and get some rest. he also didn't know the way home, so i used that as an excuse. of course, aft i collected my green packets. *grins* so. i changed. my clothes were wet. the bus was cold. i coughed my way home. and when i got home, i find the hse messy. more cleaning. *groans* so i clean, fold, wait up for my mother. and at 2, my eyes half closed, i give her a call. guess what. she wasn't coming home. why? nenek haji passed away at 8 pm. so the funeral had to be arranged. so aft finishing off the chores. i go to sleep.

finally had some rest. but i already sounded like a frog in the morning. clean up some more. wait for mother to reach home. cook rice. wash the dishes. aft that i sleep. more rest.

thats my raya in brief. and i feel terrible. gosh. btw, to all friends who wish to come to my hse this saturday, pls contact me k? and those whom i have already invited, pls pls pls come. its our last time i guess. you know what i mean ppl. love you.

slmt aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin.

11/15/2004 03:17:00 ip.

tiistaina, marraskuuta 09, 2004

bach scale disaster

ok. music's over. time for bio. i've given away my ss and maths books to my sis. also for malay and for eng. thats a load off my back. but i still must keep going, i only managed a few battles and not the entire war. so i have to keep going. but meanwhile, i take a short break aft coming back from music.

hmm, music paper 2. my brandenburg concerto is a confirmed cmi case, and i didn't manage to answer all the questions for the first question. but other than that i was ok i guess. i was so happy that big band came out. what a relief. and thank goodness i could identify the nocturne. so i'm not so bad a gone case. and at least i remembered the coffee cantata and the well tempered clavier. or else really gone case. thank goodness and good riddance. but i won't burn my music notes. they're really too precious. and they make good reading material as well.

so. bio tomorrow. i just hope that it was prelim standard or easier.

i don't know if i'm being a bit selfish. i've been drawing away from most of my closer friends. i don't tell them as much. i drew away most from abg i guess. and i keep my feelings to myself when i'm talking to jac as well. even veli, its the same. what can i do? i feel lonely but i don't want people around. i drew away. i don't know. some ppl say i'm testing them. i don't know if i am, but i don't intend to. its just that, well, i'm afraid. thats the only word i can use to describe my feelings abt this whole issue now. with ppl outside my inner circle of friends, i'm fine. bcos we talk more abt issues that aren't really so personal. mostly we talk abt studies, music, ppl, current issues. not abt our feelings.

i worry abt the consequences though. i visited this blog that i discovered, someone i know. lets call him D. well, i know D as someone who's loyal to his friends. he's got brothers and meis. and i know he takes care of them well. but i saw something on his blog. i saw the trend that when part of his extended family was missing or drew back, he worries. well, maybe thats him. i dunno if my friends worry. but what i'm worried that if i continue avoiding them and telling them how i feel. well, maybe, just maybe, we just lose it all together. ppl come, ppl go. i accept that. maybe i worry too much.

marlz you worrywart you.

i miss my kor. been sometime since we talked. perhaps i can stop this whole thing right here and talk to him instead. yea. i'll do that. aft this agony is over.

till then, goodnight.

11/09/2004 09:54:00 ip.

maanantaina, marraskuuta 08, 2004

ooh mien

ah, i'm being notti. oh well, i had some stupid thing stuck in my head and i just can't get settled without writing it, or typing it out. here is goes:

they cling,
swathe me
and make me fuss

drenched,
they stick to my skin
under the hot summer sun

that rough wet material
unnecessary adornment
in this desolate place

cumbersome
loathesome

ah, to be free of clothes,
the touch of cool water
on my soiled skin
in this sweltering siberian heat
---------------

that was it. don't ask me why. i'm irritated that i came up with such a silly thing at this time, during my o's. now that i'm relieved, i'm off to the books. tata.