marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, lokakuuta 18, 2004
faster and faster
fasting rocks my socks. yeap. someone told me that day that fasting is one of the "cons" of being muslim. NOT TRUE. i love the concept. fasting isn't just about not eating and drinking from sunrise to sunset. its about control. mind over matter. a cleansing of the mind, body and soul. you stop, you think. hey, how is what i'm doing affecting others? and, you think not only of yourself, but those around you and the ppl who have no food and feel hungry and thirsty everyday. thats what i feel fasting is about. man. it really rocks.
been doing some solid revision lately. thats a good thing. stealing some time to blog. frm crawling i've started to run. i'm picking up speed. thats a good thing. but what comes at the end. will it be good? i don't know. i can try my very best to make it good. but will i feel good? am i doing what i feel is right? or am i doing what i've always done before. pleasing others.
which brings me back to a topic that i brought up some time ago. pleasing others. what if, pleasing others is the only thing you know how to do? if you end up unhappy, well, is it then your fault? bcos quite frankly, pleasing others has somehow become what pleases you. but yet, it does not make you truly happy. was i happy when i joined band? well, no. i wanted to do something sporty, netball or fencing. but i decided to please my mum. she wanted it, i gave to her. i ended up in band. ask the seniors, i cried most of my first few months. i hated band so badly, i wished to quit. but you know why i didn't quit? well, i didn't quit bcos my mother wouldn't have been pleased if i did. so i stayed on. do i have regrets? definitely. i regret not giving myself much chance to see what i can do in sports. and i got stuck in music. stuck may be too extreme a word. i gradually learnt to accept music. i hated it, yet i couldn't live without it. i hated the work i had to put in to make it perfect. i hated the fact that no matter how much work i put in to make it perfect, each performance was difference, and therefore, wasn't perfect. but i had to do it, bcos ppl said "you have talent" or "you can do it" so what was there to do but please them? sure, i admit that i'm bad at rejecting others. i can stand and listen to someone the entire day, though i wouldn't be the slightest bit interested, and i still would not tell the person to shut up. it makes me feel bad. so pleasing others vs pleasing yourself. which is more important?
ppl ask me why i want to make music perfect, though i know each performance is different. they say, perfection is overrated. but if you aren't striving for something to be perfect, then why strive at all. it may as well bcome perfect in the process. its a result oriented world we have here. whether we like it or not, results count, and by hook or by crook one had better reach that answer or solution and most often, reach that perfection. no one can be perfect. but one can create perfection. definitely. perfection is overrated? i disagree.
ah, i digress. back to my original question. is pleasing yourself more important, or pleasing others? i don't know. what have i found out? i've been pleasing others my entire lifetime. i remember once asking my mother, whether my siblings and i were burdens to her. her answer? well, we didn't give her as many problems as she thought we would. sure, sometimes we were a bit stubborn (runs in the family), messy and had tendencies to talk too much. but well, other than that, she said we were good kids. we tried to do well at school, we hardly got into any trouble and we didnt make them worry. thats when i found out. man, so thats why i never had anything exciting. i pleased her and my father all along, but i never did something for myself. not that i wanted to make her worry and all that. but it was true. we never did anything that we wanted to do. and it was only recently that i did. take up music. concentrate on emath. it sure didn't please her. and it made me feel bad. so i'm stuck back at square one. doing the same old thing all over again. some things never change.
i leave that topic alone. need to focus on chem and phy instead.
so, i went to mjc's open hse, and aiti was so delighted that i did. seemed more like a cca open house than anything else, but i did pick up many many helpful tips from the seniors there for o lvls. it was quite fun, i learnt quite a bit. i don't know if i'd end up there anyways, i still prefer mass comm. but then again, if i can make it and they rather that i do, then i'll end up in jc for sure. what a pity.
i'm a worrywart. a very bad worrywart. that not typical of infp ppl. and i'm finding it hard to express myself verbally even to eric these days. thats not typical either. somethings are just too painful to recollect. or to say. let us not bring up the past and bring back the spirits of those who have already been laid to rest.
mrs low shld be very proud of me. i've finished at least 8 pieces of mcq and 5 structured questions in my guidebook today. been addicted to it for the entire day. stayed back to see mr collin for phy. it was a good session. i clarified many doubts. i should see another teacher another free aftnoon. it helps me pass my free time.
time works on the human being like it does on a painting. it damages us. is it worth waiting for time to pass at all?
10/18/2004 11:36:00 ap.