marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, lokakuuta 18, 2004
faster and faster
fasting rocks my socks. yeap. someone told me that day that fasting is one of the "cons" of being muslim. NOT TRUE. i love the concept. fasting isn't just about not eating and drinking from sunrise to sunset. its about control. mind over matter. a cleansing of the mind, body and soul. you stop, you think. hey, how is what i'm doing affecting others? and, you think not only of yourself, but those around you and the ppl who have no food and feel hungry and thirsty everyday. thats what i feel fasting is about. man. it really rocks.
been doing some solid revision lately. thats a good thing. stealing some time to blog. frm crawling i've started to run. i'm picking up speed. thats a good thing. but what comes at the end. will it be good? i don't know. i can try my very best to make it good. but will i feel good? am i doing what i feel is right? or am i doing what i've always done before. pleasing others.
which brings me back to a topic that i brought up some time ago. pleasing others. what if, pleasing others is the only thing you know how to do? if you end up unhappy, well, is it then your fault? bcos quite frankly, pleasing others has somehow become what pleases you. but yet, it does not make you truly happy. was i happy when i joined band? well, no. i wanted to do something sporty, netball or fencing. but i decided to please my mum. she wanted it, i gave to her. i ended up in band. ask the seniors, i cried most of my first few months. i hated band so badly, i wished to quit. but you know why i didn't quit? well, i didn't quit bcos my mother wouldn't have been pleased if i did. so i stayed on. do i have regrets? definitely. i regret not giving myself much chance to see what i can do in sports. and i got stuck in music. stuck may be too extreme a word. i gradually learnt to accept music. i hated it, yet i couldn't live without it. i hated the work i had to put in to make it perfect. i hated the fact that no matter how much work i put in to make it perfect, each performance was difference, and therefore, wasn't perfect. but i had to do it, bcos ppl said "you have talent" or "you can do it" so what was there to do but please them? sure, i admit that i'm bad at rejecting others. i can stand and listen to someone the entire day, though i wouldn't be the slightest bit interested, and i still would not tell the person to shut up. it makes me feel bad. so pleasing others vs pleasing yourself. which is more important?
ppl ask me why i want to make music perfect, though i know each performance is different. they say, perfection is overrated. but if you aren't striving for something to be perfect, then why strive at all. it may as well bcome perfect in the process. its a result oriented world we have here. whether we like it or not, results count, and by hook or by crook one had better reach that answer or solution and most often, reach that perfection. no one can be perfect. but one can create perfection. definitely. perfection is overrated? i disagree.
ah, i digress. back to my original question. is pleasing yourself more important, or pleasing others? i don't know. what have i found out? i've been pleasing others my entire lifetime. i remember once asking my mother, whether my siblings and i were burdens to her. her answer? well, we didn't give her as many problems as she thought we would. sure, sometimes we were a bit stubborn (runs in the family), messy and had tendencies to talk too much. but well, other than that, she said we were good kids. we tried to do well at school, we hardly got into any trouble and we didnt make them worry. thats when i found out. man, so thats why i never had anything exciting. i pleased her and my father all along, but i never did something for myself. not that i wanted to make her worry and all that. but it was true. we never did anything that we wanted to do. and it was only recently that i did. take up music. concentrate on emath. it sure didn't please her. and it made me feel bad. so i'm stuck back at square one. doing the same old thing all over again. some things never change.
i leave that topic alone. need to focus on chem and phy instead.
so, i went to mjc's open hse, and aiti was so delighted that i did. seemed more like a cca open house than anything else, but i did pick up many many helpful tips from the seniors there for o lvls. it was quite fun, i learnt quite a bit. i don't know if i'd end up there anyways, i still prefer mass comm. but then again, if i can make it and they rather that i do, then i'll end up in jc for sure. what a pity.
i'm a worrywart. a very bad worrywart. that not typical of infp ppl. and i'm finding it hard to express myself verbally even to eric these days. thats not typical either. somethings are just too painful to recollect. or to say. let us not bring up the past and bring back the spirits of those who have already been laid to rest.
mrs low shld be very proud of me. i've finished at least 8 pieces of mcq and 5 structured questions in my guidebook today. been addicted to it for the entire day. stayed back to see mr collin for phy. it was a good session. i clarified many doubts. i should see another teacher another free aftnoon. it helps me pass my free time.
time works on the human being like it does on a painting. it damages us. is it worth waiting for time to pass at all?
10/18/2004 11:36:00 ap.
torstaina, lokakuuta 14, 2004
exhausted
exhausted. again. what can i say besides that i'm very very very tired. and also pissed. and also sad. and also in no mood to entertain anyone. so i stuck to my music the whole day. melody writing, then prac alone aft school. i feel more confident with benjamin accompanying me. at least i can be assured that i'm in good hands. i don't feel so small and alone anymore. and it helps. ALOT. so benjamin, though you may not be reading this, thank you. i see a hope now of not screwing up my practical bcos i'm afraid aft yesterday's prac with mr magic fingers. listening yesterday. dunno how it'll be, its just a prac, but prac is still impt to me. i was having a head ache. dunno how i'll do.
tml we have 4 free periods. what a waste of time. and i've completed my music assignments as well. so i have nothing to do. i finished chem tys. i've been doing bio mcq until i'm so sick of it. wrote an essay until i got bored of it bcos it was getting too long. did maths till i wanted to puke. phy hw was so horrible, i just did it anyways to kill time. and in the end, the only sub i didn't touch was humanities, and i don't feel like doing that for 4 periods tml. just wondering what i'm going to do during that time. and i'm ill as well. i wish to know how come i've had so much 'luck' over the past week. its making me inch closer and closer to the edge. and mind you, the progress aint slow.
so there. i'm in no mood to continue. feel uncomfy. my head feels light. means its time for more practice.
that person. go see my other blog. you'll find something there meant for you.
good nite. may i not see the morning come tml.
10/14/2004 02:33:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 13, 2004
random thoughts
i don't see a point in doing what i do. i mean, i find that urbanization and 'civilisation' as they call it has only made humans more self centred and ignorant. stop take a moment and think about it. students hurry around studying, mugging. office workers are working long hours to beat deadlines. humdrum. in this result oriented world, ppl are so focused on themselves, on succeeding and earning money that well, ppl have not thought abt making a difference in this world, even if it means not succeeding. succeeding is, in itself, a good thing. don't get me wrong about that. but making a difference, that should be the ultimate aim of everyone. the world cannot function with just one person, that is even a biological fact. so why just concentrate on only getting money at work, and saying that earning is enough? or to get that borderline A1 and be satisfied with it. push forward. so you're good in math? try going one step further, use your skills to better the world. a social butterfly? learn to bring ppl together, and create peace. think of being more than just that straight A student, and you'll enjoy yourself more. everyone, i believe has a vocation. sure, i may sound a tad but idealistic here. but you know what? i believe its better than being indifferent to all those things going around in the world. as it is, entire cultures are being wiped out, artefacts being lost, parts of history we never had a chance to discover are being lost as we sit down mugging or working in some office. the world is changing before our very eyes, not for the better, but for the worst. global warming, the polar icecaps melting. its is predicted that within the next few centuries, the world will have another ice age. the cycle is renewing itself. and did we even notice? or bother when it was warned by scientists? or did we just turn away, not believing or taking a single measure until it is too late, and the damage has been done? and are we going to be so stupid so as to do it again? precious few noted and tried to persuade the rest, but in vain. sure, we're now better off technology wise and also comfort. but why is it that we remain insecure? there are tribes in the Amazon, and also in South America as well as numerous other places where ppl live simply, yet they aren't insecure. they face so many more pressing problems compared to those who've been urbanised. starvation, disease, plague, and their worst problem : being URBANIZED and losing their culture and way of life. and when war or unrest breaks out, and they are just adapting to the urbanized world, we turn our backs on them and shove them out of the way, leaving them to struggle on their own. is this what technology has done to us? has the violence around us, the wars the bombings and the creation of weapons of mass destruction made us indifferent to cruelty? money talks in this world, there's no denying that. and countries push to be at the top, get the largest revenue, attain rankings of the countries with the top three GDP. yet, in their quest to be the best, they haven't really done much to make a difference or help those who really needed it. and isn't it ironic that we call the UN and peacekeepers, as well as those precious few who venture out to stay with those unfortunate Afican kids with AIDs stupid or crazy for doing something that does not give them any profits, but we call those who help someone who fainted on the road side in a city a 'good samaritan'? why is it that the deeds that really mattered and their plea to join them in making this world a better place went unnoticed. thats that its bcome, this world. a sad sad place. somehow, i still feel thankful that i'm here, and not in the future, a time when things might be worse. i shiver to think of that. studying, it is a good thing to do. so is working. aiming to be the best, sure, its worth the effort, but at the same time, on the quest for excellence, we ought to remember what we're fighting for, and have that in mind. it is not money that rules this world, its the ppl with money that do. but at the same time, it's us, the ppl that are under their rule that are making their empire, their state, their kingdom, and developing it. push them to do what is necessary to make a difference. and if they don't, do it yourself. it may be small, but just try. being kind is worth it. really.
well, i got what i was bothering me for the past few days out of my head. hopefully i can study in peace now. i just hope no more such thoughts bother me right now. i do have a vocation. i feel its right for me to be a messenger. a messenger by using my words, and the arts to show what is best in life. what ought to be appreciated. culture, history, feelings, emotions, literature, music, dance, art. it may seem stupid to say so in this age of science, but i do feel honestly, from the bottom of my heart that its the right way to go. so, i'm different. let me be that way, and you might actually see that it goes a long way in a world where ppl are so busy that they hardly look to the past and see what's been under our nose, yet escaped us. so many many things happen around us. do we even notice?
10/13/2004 10:33:00 ap.
maanantaina, lokakuuta 11, 2004
in pain
sitting here in pain. didn't go to school today bcos of cramps. severe cramps. from what i hear i didn't miss much except for perhaps the teachers nagging as well as the papers. can always see them tml, no hurry. mr tan didn't turn up today either so yea, i didn't really miss much. i'm searching for painkillers. apparently the panadol consumption in my house has sky rocketed and so there is no panadol when someone needs it badly. darn. water retention. and it hurts. did some ss in the morning, and finished off eng hw. goin to finish up chem tys, however i don't have the guidebook and so i can't do that hw yet. sigh. and i have that ah ma smell as well. the smell of an ah ma that is particularly fond of ointments. if not, the closest i can describe the smell is very much like hospitals or old age homes. minus the more foul smells, you'll find that the air smells of medicated oil. which is what i smell like. don't know what to say.
my sis friends stacey and jasmine are over to study. giggly bunch of kiddos. well, i just thank gdness they're in the room and i'm outside in agony. ok, minus the agony part. that i am NOT thankful for.
so ms huda managed to make a smile dance across my face yesterday. we had some fun. well, thing is that huda is terrified of horror movies and i didn't tell her what i was going to do with her until we were a safe distance from her house so she couldn't bolt back in through the door. she then found out that my top secret mission was to trick her into watching a horror movie. THE EXORCIST. my, my aren't we getting evil? but, unfortunately since she was LATE and she had to meet the others at 7 and the earliest slot we could get was 6.30 we gave it a miss. (i'll get you next time huda *evil laugh*) and headed over to her all time fave place to treat her to a meal instead. popeye's chicken. heh. so well, we ran sorta late and we were hurrying like mad but we reached the mrt control station at tampines arnd 7.15. still late, but not that late. usual gang was there. ama, dan, ruz, nadia, and then fadzie. (fadz i soo miss you) many hugs exchanged and also a hearty congrats to daniel who just got his very own french horn. *claps hands* yay, good for you. fadz is getting a clarinet if she does well for her exams so i pray that you do well k? semoga berjaya. also very surprised and pleased to see how much ruzaini had changed. very very muscular now. and also doing fine, by the looks of it. he left early for some other place. *awwww*
headed straight to swensens. was ama's treat, and she got an earthquake and some other side dishes. talk talk and crap crap as per normal. i missed those ppl terribly and its only now that i realized. well, it was great to see them again. huda got an ice cream cake and i left earlier cos it was getting late. went home alone. it was scary walking alone in the park. darn. i gotten used to that route cos of a particular someone whom i study eng ith *erhm erhm* well, sorry i couldn't make it to airport yesterday, but i was having a splitting head ache. been sick these days. dunno why. leaky nose, the works. sigh.
by the time i reached home i was shagged. still stayed up a lil to hang arnd and ask how the kenduri went. still feeling tired and oh, did i mention I'M IN PAIN. guess i made my pt clear. will some one get me panadol please?
dang, i feel sick. hope it passes before tml.
10/11/2004 09:18:00 ap.
sunnuntai, lokakuuta 10, 2004
aiyoh
man, other ppl been blogging their gdbyes to their friends and school. well, i aint gonna do that. too bad, i don't even think i want to do that. friends? well, i can always contact them can't i? and on top of that, make new ones. school? its not as if it'll run away. sure, some teachers may not be there anymore but i don't think i'll really be bothered abt that. contact them otherwise. *shrugs* graduation nite? like i said, i might not even be here for it. so gdbyes? at this time? wake up honeys, i've already said my gdbyes long ago. perhaps you all didn't catch them, but i did. why? bcos i know aft this whole o lvls thing i'll be gone. somewhere else. who knows where i'll be. i'm not sad. its the moment i've been waiting for for the whole of this year. so yea. no gdbyes frm me. go ahead, think i'm cold and being indifferent. but thats how i am. none of you acherlie knew me. 'cept for maybe veli, kor and my abang. cookie's another one. other than that? no one. so don't say gdbye to someone you didn't take time to say hello to in the ferz place. bleah
when's huda gonna call me? we're due to go out today. gosh. pms alert. i'm in a bad mood. whats new. perhaps that short laling of mine can make me laugh. i wish i was mugging. but you know what? i've no mood. melody writing is killing me. i've no idea what to compose, and have no inspiration. so i doubt that a melody will come out right. or even sound like a melody. might as well title it 'cacophony'.
my tummy is aching. and my arms are aching. in fact, i'm aching all over. don't ask me why, maybe i slept in a awkward position last night. heck i don't know. i'm feeling bloated as well. like i'm full of water. swish swish. water retention is high. wish it'll go away soon.
what can i say. i'm bored. not only that, i'm cranky cos i have nothing to read and i don't feel like turning up tml, but i have to bcos we're getting our papers back for checking tml. no mood. really really no mood.
anger. its a dangerous thing. anger causes hate, hate causes destruction. call me dangerous. i'm angry. i'm angsty. i'm hateful. i'm destructive in nature. so call me dangerous. i feel fire within. i see darkness ahead. i taste blood on my lips. i hear screams and crying. i smell gunpowder. cavalry. clash of swords. the sun does not rise. the birds cry in fear. an rain falls, like acid, scorching their skin. we hate them. we hate them. we hate them for all they are. we kill. we destroy. call us dangerous.
10/10/2004 04:07:00 ap.
perjantaina, lokakuuta 08, 2004
bored
i'm very bored. like this song that i just put up. i so love it. not bcos of the show. but bcos of the lyrics.
goin with huda this sun to the secret place, secret activity. mission : top secret. its going to be hilarious. but nvm, nvm. must control myself so that i don't blurt it out. then aft that i can tell the whole wide world. i'm feeling upset, stressed, demoralized.usually in a fould mood by the time i reach home. also means that i do a hell of a load of crapping in school to try keep the mood for the others. if not i'll just be sleeping or mugging in my room. its either one. practising for practical coming up in 2 weeks. i finally got an accompanist. benjamin. well, i initially didn't want to ask him bcos i thought i'd be a burden cos he's accompanying some other ppl also. but turns out that my day is before his, so he can get a feel of the piano there if he is accompanying me. see how it goes, i think i suck anyways.
i so need to destress. nvm, fasting month is up next week. starting our month long fast then. fun. at least that should take my mind of things and make me feel a bit better. why? cos we already have an oven. means i can bake and bake and bake and bake. and i still can't decide what colour my baju ought to be this year. the rest want like a black, but you know me wanting to be different frm them. well, i'm stuck btw light blue and pink. i don't know how. sigh. baking = destress = money = fun. finally.
o levels is coming soon. i'm mugging. can call me mugging queen. just dunno what to do abt that pile of papers in my room. right, horsie? anyways, cookie has that exact same prob, however, we aren't talking right now cos he CONFISCATED something from me. i don't particularly appreciate it. i'm kinda mad that he did it, but i know he did it bcos he cares. too much. cookie, you care too much. i don't know i can do what you want me to. but give me time. meanwhile, give me back my -bleep-. no, it wasn't a swear word, it was the thing that he confiscated. yea. i want it back. get that? still love you loadies.
my eng essay is worrying me. i asked mdm kamisah abt it and her reaction was...
oh my God, that story...she said that i did get a 1, just that the topic matter was kind of taboo. and that well, it was a kind of story that you'd submit for a short story competition, not for exams. so what was her overall description of the essay? disturbing. and you know why? when i realized what i wrote about i was also shocked that i'd write abt such a sensitive issue. in fact, i did not think the story would have such an impact. i wont hide it anymore, my topic matter was incest. yea. you got me right. incest. don't ask me why i wrote it. i don't know. i went with my gut instincts, and just wrote a story without thinking much. i just let it flow. i'm just worried that something like that might happen during the o levels. how would the examiners accept it?
dang. demoralized. this is for cookie:
cos i've already waited too long. and all my hope is gone
10/08/2004 01:35:00 ip.
tiistaina, lokakuuta 05, 2004
hyper
one last paper to go...mcq some more...haiyah, just do lah, then aft that in the aftnoon still have to go for o level music test...sigh, feel kinda lazy to go
but other then that, i'm super hyper today....wheeee...*rolls eyes*...yea right, hyper my foot
random thoughts. i once told jac that my blogging is kinda random...cos he said that his blog has to be perfect...layout wise, yea...i'm satisfied with mine...i don't see a need to change every so often. but well. thats me. right jac? your style is change.
lesseee...i have some random words that i was thinking of today
sinivuokko
haju
oikea
murre (hah, reminds me of that figgin book, damn funny)
kissa
pimea
kylma
marka
metsa
puu
jaa
vetta
kk, i know they're all finn, but heck. thats what i am aft all. ppl ought not to complain abt me and my finn stuff. that list was like, only a fragment of the actual list. have many more but, i'm just too tired to think again
like i said, i feel blank. good or bad? i don't know. its like, a book that once had words, and was filled. then suddenly one day, the words erased themselves. from the last word up till the first. in slow motion, in reverse. the ink bcame invisible. letter my letter. soon, all the words were gone. the book. it tried to close itself, instead of leaving itself out to the open. it was vulnerable. but it was too late. the mysterious erasing of words continued. the book let go the pages, and many formerly filled, were blown away by the wind. empty now, they held no value to the reader. so now the book is empty. what should the book do? its value is gone, and it has to fill itself up again. but the ideas, the concepts, the wonderful story is gone. but no, thats not bad. what's worse is that the person who weaved that story, the one with the wild and facinating, one could call wonderful imagination. that person is gone. and alone, the book has no means of filling itself up again. so is that a good or a bad thing?
10/05/2004 01:56:00 ip.
maanantaina, lokakuuta 04, 2004
stolen
i stole some time to update. well well, just as i expected. that COWARD did not approach me, rather, he left me alone. why didn't you come settle with me your prob? what, afraid? of a girl like me? more like you didn't wanna lose face. hah. thought so.
today was the geog and physics paper. i didn't finish physics, and i did fininsh geog, but i wrote so much i'm doubting whether i ans the question correctly. whats done is done, can't be undone. so just wait for the result. i hope they don't suck as much as i think they do.
cookie problems. oh, nvm.
so you see, i have a math, bio and physics mcqs left. mcq? fine. a math, confirmed gone case. i gave up on it a long time ago. when i saw paper 1 i knew i made the right choice. no way i'm gonna pass that subject, and its too late to struggle to pass, and also stupid bcos i rather concentrate on e math. its the beginning of the end. i hope the end of the end come soon. and it sure is taking its time to come. wish its over. that the bloody graduation nite is over. don't even want to go. got no cash to spend on it. its a waste of time. bleah.
been asked to go to the airport on sun mornin to accompany a friend. well. gotta see abt that. hopefully can go.
feel empty. thats it. empty and nothing more. a blank sheet of paper. is that supposed to be a good thing?
10/04/2004 02:08:00 ip.
perjantaina, lokakuuta 01, 2004
NOTE TO ALL
well. i came to say my piece aft recent events. i know sometimes what i blog is vague. and that most of the time, its random, or its a message thats meant for someone. if you take what i post personally, come find out for yourself by ASKING ME. this goes out particularly to a SELF CENTRED and EGOTISTICAL individual who has been reading my blog(s) and making assumptions. well, get this ITS NOT ALL ABT YOU. i have other ppl to think abt, and to blog abt. cos i CARE ABT THEM. and i DON'T care abt you. and oh ya. LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE. if you aren't mature or sensible enough to accept criticism and the fact that there are ppl who don't like you, which are those among my friends, well. fine. but don't you dare go trying to harm them or threatening them. and DO NOT USE WHAT I BLOG AGAINST THEM AND CLAIM THAT ITS ABOUT YOU. well, i'm NOT going disclose your name bcos this is the world wide web, and i respect your privacy and i will not go telling the whole wide world who you are. but i'm warning you. you have any problem, you come straight to me and settle it. not to anyone else. be a man. face me, yourself. so YOU, the one who thinks i'm referring to you this time, i'd like you to come talk to me. settle this once and for all. its a waste of time going on like this. get that?
10/01/2004 01:39:00 ip.