I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, syyskuuta 11, 2004
relatives. they make all the difference in my life. incredible how much they make me feel loved. well, some of them. others just shun us as if we were pariahs. no contact unless they are forced to "forgive" and "forget" during Aidilfitri. otherwise, they couldn't give a damn. but those that make us feel welcome. they are the ones i treasure the most. definitely.
sheena : well dear, i didn't get a chance to wish you a happy birthday cos i was away. thank you for the concern but i guess i'll have to sort this out myself. like i do everything else.
somethings never change. i can't explain it anywhere, not even here. so i will be vague. very vague. i thought perhaps. well. i cant think anymore. its clear that well, there is no point in hoping anymore. its stupid. i know. ah...somethings never change, i should have known that before.
stupid stupid stupid. all kind of stupid things that i have to contend with. think you are so great huh?
yes. i'm a very very angry girl right now. nothing but problems to bother about. they CLAIM they bother. they CLAIM they understand. like i said. nothing's changed. they NEVER understood. every lil thing i do is a sin. so, i hid myself before. they complained that i wasn't open. now when i show myself, they complain that i am trying my luck. stupid. didn't you see why i hid in the first place? if it isn't clear enough, then i say it now. bcos i KNEW you'd NEVER understand. sickening. you never made an effort to understand in the first place.
i'm angry. there's no way to cool me right now. why bother trying to understand when all my explanations fall on deaf ears. then they say they are ignorant. that i don't talk to them enough. that i don't express myself. when i do, all i get in return is reprimanded. i aint free. they thought that they did. they didn't at all.
purpose of this post? i don't know. i just don't know. its as if i have a million thoughts in my head and they float around. then suddenly they have to trigger one or two of them. and then it comes in floods. rains down on me. like torrents of rain. thats how i'd describe it. whichever thought hits me is random. i guess thats it. i may not know why i think about certain things. but i do know that i'm VERY VERY ANGRY. like i said in the previous post. GET OFF MY BACK. i need some space. seriously.
spastic monkey. i forgive you. i thought you made me angry. this clearly surpasses what you did. therefore, i forgive you. honestly. i think i prefer to not to hold any grudges against you or you against me. perhaps we have some peace now. tell me if we do. i'm willing to even shake on it. whatever. at least it'll give me some peace of mind.
9/11/2004 03:38:00 ip.