marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, syyskuuta 28, 2004
prelims lai liao
okok. i know i have not been updating. and it will continue like that for some time. reason? PRELIMS LAI LIAO!!!! yea. and then it'll be 30 more days to the o's. been mugging. yea ME mugging *why oh why didn't the sky drop* well, the sun didn't rise from the west, so that has to be a good thing. don't know how i'll do. nervous though. i did pray for all that i care for. firstly my abang, veli and mon cher frere. all taking the prelims with me. then mr oke!!!! definitely prayed fer him. xq for eng. and the entire class for the entire prelims. yzh makes me laugh during prelims. at least there's some smiles. oh ya. and i also have bcome very very HYPER. which is normal for me during exam periods. i'm bouncing off to another mugging session. nite nite to all
9/28/2004 03:01:00 ip.
lauantaina, syyskuuta 18, 2004
kaiken nakosia
kaiken nakosia! isin sytyma paiva on tiistaina, ja han just sai paketti isoaidilta. sen sisaalla oli salmiakki ja kirja. hah. nyt han nauraa kun se kirja on karjalaisten murretta ja han ei yhta huomannyt etta han puhuu silleen. heh.
well. most ppl wouldn't understand that. just felt like it. i got home late last night. went out with eric to the sp band concert. loved the percussion section when they did their percussion ensemble performance. the crowd obviously loved it. it was very very funny. the next funniest one was the trombone section with their slideshow. pics were really cute. and then the saxophone section was really good. well, i loved the pirates of carribean that they performed, and american graphiti. and since my dear veli was sitting next to me, i laughed my head off. got stomach cramps aft that. literally. had a chance to see mr goh aft some time. saw my BOSS liwei. and i talked to huda and gave her a HUGE hug that she needed. i needed it too. thanks dear. DANIEL. your band did great. congrats. too bad you didn't allow us to shout your name. =) i went to accompany eric to the coffeeshop to eat aft that. then went home.
so well. i had some fun as you can see. got my mind of things awhile. it was better. unfortunately, i saw THEM when i was waiting for eric at the mrt station. oh no. well, i didn't count on it. PR is sure small, and i knew i'd run into them eventually, but well, what can i say but i didn't expect it to be yesterday. kinda got me at the wrong time.
today i woke up at 12 aft spending the nite brooding. then i did some spring cleaning in my room. i went later with huda to cut hair, both her and i did. and i like having my head feel light again. its nice. i finally chopped off my hair. hah. got what i wanted.
i'm tired. thats how i feel right now. not physically though, but mentally. and i also feel very fed up over how things are right now. like i said, things don't feel right. veli, i know you tried to talk some sense into me. perhaps you don't know what it is like to have cousins. i do have them, but you know what, you can't guarantee me that my situation is the same as your other friends who have cousins. well. its not a cuzzie prob aft all, so it can't be solved that way. it has to be solved by myself. alone. thats all i have in the end. no one, but myself. i'm alone. its like that in my head. sure, its a crowded world. but its so lonely to me. the world population can increase and increase, and it won't change. ever. so yea, this is a personal prob. i dunno if i ever will solve it. but i know i will live with this misery for sometime.
i'm contemplating typing my "control" essay out and posting it on my blog. perhaps. mdm kamisah said that it was well written, but the prob was that the conclusion was a bit off, and left her with questions. so i got a 20/30. hardly my best. all bcos of the ending. this bites. so i will change the story, perhaps, and post it here.
it dont feel right.
9/18/2004 01:46:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, syyskuuta 15, 2004
prac
musical moments. i missed it. but its ok, i will be going for SP band concert this Fri. its at SP (duh) so we're treating it as sorta a reunion. meet all the seniors and stuff. anyone willing to go with me from here? i have to meet huda at Dover mrt at arnd 1900 so ya, those going, can like, tell me or something and make arrangements if we can go frm PR mrt together. thanks
well. practical today. remember alot of things, but the results of my experiment were record-unfriendly, so i don't know if i messed that up. other than that, it was ok. and i managed to do alright, i guess.
veli, rest assured i'll find you when i think its the right time. well, i don't really want to bother you, and i think i'll bore you half to death anyways. bsides, you're sick, and you ought to concentrate on getting well, so you can tackle the coming exams well. i quote you ok? " i'm a good o level student" live up to the expectations you gave yourself.
mina en ole oikee iloinen nyt. voin sanoo etta olen surullinen. mutta mina pidan sita salainen. ihan kun mina olen pidannyt paljon salaisuuta kauan aikaan. anna anteeksi, mun rakas, jos mina en voi tehda mitaan. mina olen vahan eksynyt, ja en tietaa miten mina voin nakee minun oma kadet eesa kuin se on niin pimea. se on kylma. olen yksin. ja ei ole yks ihminen joka voi auttaa minua nyt. anteeksi kun mina puhun vahan murretta. en voi tehda mitan siista asiasta. miks mie olen niin tyhma? niin holmo? typera. mailma olis parempi jos mie en ole taalla. miksi mina? Jumala, autta mun velit, kun he ovat hyvat ihmiset ja heilla on hyvat sydammet. mun velit ovat tehnyt niin paljon minulle, ja en tieta miteen mina voin kiitta heita. rakastan te kaikki, mun rakas velit. *itkee*
9/15/2004 02:52:00 ip.
prac
musical moments. i missed it. but its ok, i will be going for SP band concert this Fri. its at SP (duh) so we're treating it as sorta a reunion. meet all the seniors and stuff. anyone willing to go with me from here? i have to meet huda at Dover mrt at arnd 1900 so ya, those going, can like, tell me or something and make arrangements if we can go frm PR mrt together. thanks
well. practical today. remember alot of things, but the results of my experiment were record-unfriendly, so i don't know if i messed that up. other than that, it was ok. and i managed to do alright, i guess.
veli, rest assured i'll find you when i think its the right time. well, i don't really want to bother you, and i think i'll bore you half to death anyways. bsides, you're sick, and you ought to concentrate on getting well, so you can tackle the coming exams well. i quote you ok? " i'm a good o level student" live up to the expectations you gave yourself.
mina en ole oikee iloinen nyt. voin sanoo etta olen surullinen. mutta mina pidan sita salainen. ihan kun mina olen pidannyt paljon salaisuuta kauan aikaan. anna anteeksi, mun rakas, jos mina en voi tehda mitaan. mina olen vahan eksynyt, ja en tietaa miten mina voin nakee minun oma kadet eesa kuin se on niin pimea. se on kylma. olen yksin. ja ei ole yks ihminen joka voi auttaa minua nyt. anteeksi kun mina puhun vahan murretta. en voi tehda mitan siista asiasta. miks mie olen niin tyhma? niin holmo? typera. mailma olis parempi jos mie en ole taalla. miksi mina? Jumala, autta mun velit, kun he ovat hyvat ihmiset ja heilla on hyvat sydammet. mun velit ovat tehnyt niin paljon minulle, ja en tieta miteen mina voin kiitta heita. rakastan te kaikki, mun rakas velit. *itkee*
9/15/2004 02:52:00 ip.
tiistaina, syyskuuta 14, 2004
shite
well. school. what can i say. same old same old. mrs low's jokes were particularly funny today. thats all.
i don't know what to say. feeling insecure. is that normal?
i don't know what to update. but this is to
you:
you make me feel insecure. i know i said, that well, i don't want to bother abt it anymore and bear no more grudges. but still, i feel odd when you're around? i dunno. its just, that uncomfy feeling i guess. yea. don't mind me if i'm acting weird nowadays. its like that when i get uncomfy. i'm just trying to distract myself. i hope its alright with you.
thats it.
9/14/2004 02:19:00 ip.
maanantaina, syyskuuta 13, 2004
school
tired. have a splitting head ache. stomach cramps. not feeling any better from yesterday. thats where my war poem came from. sigh
veli : well, i'm sorry i didn't tell you earlier? you know me well enough by now to know that i do not like bothering you with my problems. yes, something is bothering me. perhaps, when i'm ready to tell you? i will, sometime soon, but not just yet. thank you loadies for the concern.
today. practical. like that, i guess. no way of explaining further. did some revision. drowning. drowning. drowning. don't bother abt me
this reminds me of my essay on control. hah. it was an abstract idea. so much so that so many ppl did not understand what i was trying to say. well, based on your ss skills today, i suggest you ppl re read the essay. skills on purpose in particular. reading between the lines. what you see is not what i mean. what i say, is what i mean. but that depends on what you think i'm saying. try looking for what i mean instead of accepting it just like that.
what can i do? i don't know. i honestly don't. i'm just overcome with anger right now. i'm not even thinking straight. thank goodness
they are not in my school. i'd quit school if they were.
get away from me. leave me alone. i wish to have nothing to do with you. you are a nuisance and nothing more. you hinder me. just go. i don't even want to hear you say goodbye. i don't want you to glance at my face one last time. just turn around and leave me. alone. thats what i need. to be far away, from everything, from everyone.
9/13/2004 02:20:00 ip.
war song
the swords they ring
they clatter
the horns cry out
to summon us all
to war to war
to war we go
demons of the sea
they call to me
crying crying
the name of my people
lo! behold, they march to war
among their ranks
i shall be
i join they chant
their war cry
oh how their eyes gleam
shiny are their helms and mail
as they ride on ruthlessly
the copper smell
we yearn for more
we will we will
we'll win this war
the horces prance
in frenzied dance
to war to war
and back again
we charge we strike
with all our might
onwards onwards
to war we go
they come in floods
across the plain
but we fear not
to war we came
we hew we kill
we cry out loud
our swords they whistle
we came, we won
across the plain
our army spread
in shambles in shambles
the war we lead
so now we mourn
for those we lost
were they the price
for our bloodlust?
9/13/2004 02:09:00 ip.
lauantaina, syyskuuta 11, 2004
relatives. they make all the difference in my life. incredible how much they make me feel loved. well, some of them. others just shun us as if we were pariahs. no contact unless they are forced to "forgive" and "forget" during Aidilfitri. otherwise, they couldn't give a damn. but those that make us feel welcome. they are the ones i treasure the most. definitely.
sheena : well dear, i didn't get a chance to wish you a happy birthday cos i was away. thank you for the concern but i guess i'll have to sort this out myself. like i do everything else.
somethings never change. i can't explain it anywhere, not even here. so i will be vague. very vague. i thought perhaps. well. i cant think anymore. its clear that well, there is no point in hoping anymore. its stupid. i know. ah...somethings never change, i should have known that before.
stupid stupid stupid. all kind of stupid things that i have to contend with. think you are so great huh?
yes. i'm a very very angry girl right now. nothing but problems to bother about. they CLAIM they bother. they CLAIM they understand. like i said. nothing's changed. they NEVER understood. every lil thing i do is a sin. so, i hid myself before. they complained that i wasn't open. now when i show myself, they complain that i am trying my luck. stupid. didn't you see why i hid in the first place? if it isn't clear enough, then i say it now. bcos i KNEW you'd NEVER understand. sickening. you never made an effort to understand in the first place.
i'm angry. there's no way to cool me right now. why bother trying to understand when all my explanations fall on deaf ears. then they say they are ignorant. that i don't talk to them enough. that i don't express myself. when i do, all i get in return is reprimanded. i aint free. they thought that they did. they didn't at all.
purpose of this post? i don't know. i just don't know. its as if i have a million thoughts in my head and they float around. then suddenly they have to trigger one or two of them. and then it comes in floods. rains down on me. like torrents of rain. thats how i'd describe it. whichever thought hits me is random. i guess thats it. i may not know why i think about certain things. but i do know that i'm VERY VERY ANGRY. like i said in the previous post. GET OFF MY BACK. i need some space. seriously.
spastic monkey. i forgive you. i thought you made me angry. this clearly surpasses what you did. therefore, i forgive you. honestly. i think i prefer to not to hold any grudges against you or you against me. perhaps we have some peace now. tell me if we do. i'm willing to even shake on it. whatever. at least it'll give me some peace of mind.
9/11/2004 03:38:00 ip.
torstaina, syyskuuta 09, 2004
i didn't feel like blogging the last couple of days. still don't feel like it acherlie. just, like, i don't even know why i am? drifting heart. I DON'T KNOW AYTE? GET OFF MY BACK!
physically : alive
mentally : dead
not in the mood. really.
9/09/2004 03:00:00 ip.
maanantaina, syyskuuta 06, 2004
think too much?
school early in the morning....stayed awhile...did some stuf...wrote my essay...
i wrote something on paper dolls today...however, i decided not to publish it...reason being that well, i just don't feel like it...it somehow just doesn't feel right on this blog...
bitter? i don't know
her paper heart, complex folds, a cavity within, unfilled...some peepz who read it felt that what i meant was hidden somewhere within my words...others just asked for it...others misunderstood...no...i did not mean that i'm the puppet master...life...the unseen puppet master...controls our decisions, our emotions, affects us...that was what i meant...perhaps, one day, i might publish my paperdoll poem here...that is a huge maybe to consider...however, those who read it do understand, i hope...
metaphors...analogies...puns? i don't know...rambu said that i love them...i think i do...i appreciate the hidden meaning in anything i encounter...
well, someone said something abt me today...complex? i don't know...
questions...questions...why ask questions to which you know the answers? and why ask questions that cannot be answered? or is it just best to lay back and no worry about anything in the first place? accepting things as they come? i question myself everyday, does that make me a complex individual...or is it like everyone, including abgology said before...
you think too much define think too much...i'd like to know the meaning...bcos if one does not think, then one might as well not be alive...i sometimes think that well, my problem is that i have many many conflicting ideas...i am able to sit, and debate with myself for an entire day...does that make me complex? i don't know...
well, enough of my rambling abt myself...boring
saw the news yesterday abt the russian sch...was sad...affected me in a way...the way they depicted everything...well, it was sad...esp when there was a grandfather of a student, standing before the rubble, leaning on his walking stick...he looked forlorn as he stood there...slowly, he turned, and walked away....the tears he wiped away really struck me...my goodness, what if something like that ever happened to anyone i knew...or if i was one of the victims, how and what would i feel during the last few moments...would i be too scared, or would i be thinking of those at home? whatever, i do know that i am sad over that issue...
naive...not really random word of the day...thinking abt that...
random word of the day : motion
why?
9/06/2004 07:00:00 ap.
lauantaina, syyskuuta 04, 2004
what would you do?
what would you do?
if you have so many things unexpressed, and you can't find a way to express them?
if you have so many words to say, yet you can't find a voice to say them?
if you have so many things to do, and can't find a time to do them?
if you need something so badly, but you can't find it?
if you have so many questions, but you cannot find the answers?
if you have a great hunger, but nothing can satisfy it?
if you have a fear, but you cannot rid yourself of it?
if you carry a huge burden, and you know you cannot share it anyone else?
what would you do?
the answer: you cannot do anything
but continue moving
its a long, hard road
why?
why this road
why me?
so many questions
and lost answers
floating somewhere
lost
just like yourself
a burning desire
empty
nothing fills that cavity in you
that hole that is there
from the beginning of time
what can i do?
where do i go?
i don't even know
don't get me wrong...it isn't poetry...just, everything...is wrong...what do i do?
c l u e l e s s
9/04/2004 02:12:00 ip.
torstaina, syyskuuta 02, 2004
i dunno
i'm in love with the cuppycake song...and thats all thanks to mr leong, or, to be specific, mr jacob leong, for sending me the song...its so cute...really...
you're my honeybun, sugar plum......erm...
dum dee dum dee pumpkin hehe...
you're my sweetie pie...you're my cuppycake, gumdrop...okok, i shall save everyone the misery and stop here...i'm guessing you get my drift...
i stumbled across someone's friendster profile today...my, my...quite a hater aren't you? some advice to all peeps, particularly this person here...dum dee dum dee dum...my dear, even if you hate someone...don't make is sooo obvious over the net ya? try to make things a lil ambiguous....thats my advice i guess...i mean, its pretty obvious what you are hinting...oh ya, and since i heard this today, i might as well clear it up...to this person (i hope you know who you are) i DO NOT HATE you...dunno where you got such a notion...sigh...anyways, too much hate towards others is bad thing ya? only shows you have something that they have something that you either envy or you love...hope you get my message...particularly abt the one abt me hating you...geez...as if i dun have enough ppl talking behind my back...
yep, the reason i seem a teeny bit hyper is bcos...tadaaa! i'm listening to the cuppy cake song...
well what can i say about today? woke up, went to school, teased, was teased by others, was poked and i screamed cos i didn't realise that he was tailing me from behind to give me a shock...
darn you farhan, i'll get you, you just watch out...i'm not the only one ticklish...you are too...hehehe..*evil laughter*...then i had a bad stomach upset during my mock paper and during the math lecture later...darn it darn it...i've hardly any hw...i aint feeling well really...and i dunno?
hmm, i dunno...been saying that often these days...there is a reason though...ppl who read my other blog know...ppl who don't, well, don't know? i can't explain it to the ppl who read this blog...but to mon cher, abg, veli and rambu who have access to the other...i guess you know...i dunno how to rectify the problem...its been sometime now...
well, so what did i accomplish today? scold myself for many many many careless mistakes *slaps herself*...told someone that i REALLY do NOT hate him...and also managed to get sick in the process...lucky me *frowns*
i have a feeling that i'm going to write something today...i don't know why...
9/02/2004 11:06:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, syyskuuta 01, 2004
damn it
i don't even know what i'm doing anymore...its like...i'm groping in the dark blindly...following a passageway with no guiding light...only relying on my sense of touch...i feel the walls and follow them...without even knowing where they take me...darn it...can't i do anything right?
9/01/2004 12:31:00 ip.