I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, elokuuta 15, 2004
oh mien
what can i say, i'm in the hole...no more sinking in...officially in...and now i'm back at square one...aft struggling and struggling...and trying...i fell...i scraped my knees countless times...i tried to push away the intruder...the alien that infiltrated my base camp : my head, my heart, my soul...i tried to annihilate it...i tried so hard that i burned up all my energy...then i picked myself up...again and again i tried...but what happened? i sunk back in...and i dun see any ladder to the top...i see no rope coming down that i can climb up...i dun see any light at the top either...all i see are stars...stars frm above...calling, calling...they so high up...i reach, and i jump...i leap...yelling, screaming as i do...they call me...that lil music from the sky...they say...join us, join us...you will belong...the souls that don't rest...for you are one even as you live...as you take every breath...every step...we can hear your pain...we hear you cry...come, join us...we want you....but they're so high above...there's only one way to join the voices of those souls...to sing with that choir high above...there's only one way, and it is not flying out of my hole...out of the well that i've fallen into...but the way there is to go further down...to go into the earth...where i came from...i cry out...i'm aching...i'm breaking...and all i want to do is go...join the twinkly stars...i scream till my throat is hoarse...i climb till my brow is damp with cold sweat...my arms are killing me...why do i climb anymore? with no clear foothold anywhere? why must i climb? isn't it easier to just fly away...to go where i wish to go? why am i so stupid? so dumb? its so much easier to fly, yet i chose to climb...
to be perfect...when will that time come...when? why do i wait when my fate lies in my own hands?
sarah...you're a fool...
have you ever heard the stars sing? did you hear the tinkly sound of water falling on flowers petals? of the wind howling in your ears as you look out on grey waters...
la mer ...yes the sea...the gulls...they cry...the night decends upon earth slowly...like a queen...she wears a dress...a velvet dress that is of a blue so dark it looks as if its raven black...its studded with many diamonds that glitter as she moves...her white face shines above her kingdom, the Earth...and she smiles at the humans far below...their business is small compared to hers...light turn out...but many are still burning as she looks at her subjects...she smiles...no matter how bright their inventions are, they never outshine the lil stars on her dress...she looks upon the lil children...soundly sleeping...and she sings a silent tune...a silent lullaby...it causes a sweet breeze to lull the children to sleep...they breathe...so cherub-like are their faces...yet she knows...o how beautiful yet sad is she...yes, she is sad...for she knows that the darkness she brings does not only bring sleep...but also, many lived are taken...many stay up, just looking at her face...shedding tears...weeping softly...and she weeps with them...clouds, soft clouds cover her as she does...and she does not mind the cover...it is cool...it is peaceful...night...her realm...a time for sleep...a time when pain is at its worse...a time when her subjects are kept awake by thoughts...that torment them...what can she do? nothing, but look upon them...so sad is this world...
you're.aching.you're.breaking.i.can.see.the.pain.in.your.eyes
8/15/2004 12:37:00 ip.