marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, heinäkuuta 30, 2004
deardear kor
i'm nuts...
sch...floorball today...no chance to really play but was the goalie...blocked a couple of shots gorgeously...and one goal was due to the fact that the ball BOUNCED in...not my fault that i can't cover the entire goal post...sheesh
so lessons...4 periods free...happy that B left me alone...thank you...
went home to bathe...then came back for my prize giving...i so wanna help the band but am stuck in the hall for prize giving...darn...darn...darn...
spastic monkey in for the prize giving...sickening...i only realised today...guess he wasn't arnd during the first rehearsal...shucks
hmm, got home tired...then was feeling abit down...went to meet miss huda...dearie...so long since we met and really really talked aye? sigh...well, i enjoyed tonight...thanks loads...
now back at home, cheered up alot...talking to my eric kor...hungry boy...forever hungry...sigh...can be cured dun worry =)
sch tml...then eileen's party...oh wow...what to wear what to wear...
miss...miss...missing someone...oh wow...
absence.makes.the.heart.grow.fonder.
7/30/2004 02:09:00 ip.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 29, 2004
spastic monkey business
*growls* here on official spastic monkey business...
well...obviously someone read my blog abt calling me by name...and also has the notion that that person is the spastic monkey...i shall refer to you as B...ok B...here's the thing...you AREN'T the figging spastic monkey...geddit? *rolls eyes* now, what you did by calling me by name and pretending that you didn't is childish...but then again, thats expected from someone like you...now...though its the spastic monkey that i love to hate and NOT you...it doesn't mean that i don't dislike you...number one, we so cannot be friends...face it, we're like ice cream and fish sticks...no way we will EVER be friends...number 2, i'm a very difficult person to convince, so yea...dun try...unless you really think you're that good...number 3, i dunno what misconceptions you might have abt me but i certainly do not appreciate the fact that you interrupted my conversation with someone today...but i let you go cos i was being nice, i won't be nice again...so to sum it all up, i go my way, you go yours...simply put, leave me alone, dun talk to me, dun call my name, dun try to be my friend, nor try to convince me that you're nice...kapeesh?
so, the spastic monkey did not disturb me today, neither did i see him at all...which is the MOST HEAVENLY thing thats ever happened...however, B kinda made things a bit more complicated...
since NH didn't come today i accompanied someone for recess and aft sch...sorry to jani if it seemed i was avoiding you...i was not...had test...a math lecture...mock-ery exam...gdnss knows what else...but was uber sleepy...fell asleep on the sofa in my sch skirt and adidas tee...stupid me...but i managed to drag myself off it and get dressed and neat to sch...BAD HAIR DAY...sheesh
tml is the parade and prize giving rehearsal...i'm stuck in the middle...wanna take care of my dearies in band...but also have to attend that lame-o rehearsal...oh please...i happen to know how to walk...so yea, i dun think i need to rehearse how to walk up and down a stage...
sleepy...so darn sleepy...nearly fell asleep in the comfy air conditioned room durin malay...oh ya dots. : thanks fer telling me who you are...and no, you didn't hurt me..you didn't hit hard enough =p...but i'm sure the beating/slapping i gave you yesterday left my palm prints on your arm...nice aye? maybe i should give you another such tattoo?
i am going to not respond to anyone but teachers who call me "marlina"...bcos that spastic monkey made it sound so awful and tarnished it when he called my name on wednesday...so calling all ppl...you know my pet names...yep...call me by them, and not that "dirtied" name...ugh...*gives disgusted face*...and yes KE...your old name fer me "banana" i fine...oh yes, i must thank you fer hitting mr dots. for me...he stole you frm me!! hey, if i'm wife number one...and he CLAIMS to be wife number 3 then who is number 2 aye??? *jealous* nvm you hit him , i forgive you *wink-wink*
missing someone...darn it...can't help but think abt the distance...it aint gonna stop us...but well...its kinda different frm before you know...sigh...i sitl have my lil pet pet in my pocketses...
gollum...guess who i am?
my precioussss...*hisses* *laughs hysterically*
you got it...i'm insane...yipeee...
lil.pet.pet
7/29/2004 09:45:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, heinäkuuta 28, 2004
i miss my abang
argh...some person whom i love to hate talked to me today...and had the cheek to CALL ME BY NAME...never do that...i hate you...
chem and bio practical today...bio fairly easy...chem QA was fun, but i forgot to test for gas for the last one...but titration was a horror...and bcos i saw SOMEONE...whom i HATE when i happened to be gazing out the window...i got upset and wanted to give up...CME was a free period...played awhile...got splashed by LYW...aiyoh...it dried quickly anyways...and that pillai...aiyoh...i reserve my comments...
oh btw, anyone know who dot. is? if you are dot. contact me personally...i totally dun understand your taggie...
o level music...CY? lightbulb...that Zoe and her lightbulb theory...anyways, CY made me laugh my socks off...and NO i DON'T owe you pasta mania...you owe me something instead...haha...jkjk, i'm not that childish as you...ahakz...anyways CY if you didn't know, you made me laugh though i was upset due to seeing that spastic monkey...thank you...and next time, i make sure i sit same table as you...zzzz
that spastic monkey...argh...
i can't believe that dson's group all believe what i said on the phone that night...man aint i a great actress? i played him out...yep...and to think that they still believe what i said even aft everything's over...its either denial on his part, or them just wanting someone to disturb...like i said, if you guys out there think you can play me, think again...i did it once, i can do it again...and i wont be so nice this time as to let ppl bully me...try me...if you dare...
went to library...saw so many prcs ppl on the way...and can you believe it? ms foong did not recognise me when i walked along the street...even had to tell her that it was me...funny sia...
today was nice...did not talk to the person i miss but i did feel comfy with my dear pet in my pocket...same name...so definitely, i feel the co-owner's presence...and i managed to dig up an old photo of him...somewhere stashed long time ago...he gave it to me that time...and i have not lost it...so i kept it somewhere safe...missing you loads still...
n.a.n.c.y.d.r.e.w.
7/28/2004 12:24:00 ip.
tiistaina, heinäkuuta 27, 2004
my cuddly bear
tues...pretty slack day also...singing...ask ranjani what in heavens name we did in the back of the hall...haha...was squeezy though...haiz nvm...
classes...ok...was quite nice...recess...also nice besides the fact that there was that one person...if you ask me whether i shy away frm him bcos i love him i'll tell you : yes...i LOVE TO HATE HIM...spastic monkey...grrr...other than that...it was ok...chem was enjoyable...feng shui lesson...then malay, watched a movie...then the mock-ery exam...it was easy for me at least...wrote abt being an animal...was ok i guess...
break then bio...thought the thing was a test...bleah..it wasn't...sigh...i could have referred to my text instead of trying frantically to recall what the answers were...darn it...but i guess i did ok?? i hope...
i forgot to include this in yesterdays post...
yep, to my kor...happy belated friendship day...i'm so sorry i forgot to wish you yesterday...in case you are scratching your head and going "huh?"...well, i met you my dear kor last year on the night of 26 July...yep...i remember the day...the date...and the time...as well as the circumstances that lead to our first meeting...and our friendship has grown slowly and steadily...and i wish it continues growing...love you sweetie =) may God bless you...
whoopee~talked to the person i miss today...nice to hear your voice once more...miss you loads...
parade...helped the band...was frustrating to a point...was upsetting as well...so settled just to watch the PDS and the parade...applause to NPCC...they did well...NCC too...and to Shimin...as well as the SJAB for the first aiders...PDS...well, i liked the former one fer O.O. better...the formation is similar but well something is not right in a sense...perhaps i'm biased towards the seniors...and the fencing team...hehe...but anyways...it looked ok to me...good...and fun...yep...BAND...time to pull up the socks...and tie up the loose ends...basses...BE LOUDER...trombones...LOUDER...cornets...you are doing FINE...just project abit more...CLARINET SECTION...my dearies...dun give me that crappy throaty sound anymore...i want diaphragm...serious...overall...band...be LOUDER...yep
high on fun...on craziness...on everything...laughter...ahakz
my.cuddly.bear
7/27/2004 12:01:00 ip.
hurt and bitter
today went pretty smoothly...no hiccups btw the two of us
i find SOMEONE ridiculous...made a fool of herself...i always tell the ppl arnd the same thing...you dun like what i do, then just fuck off...dun comment here and there and tell me to not do something...i do as i like...if you dun like what you see...just go away...i dun give a fing damn...i'm sick of this kind of attitude...i aint your pet...i'm not your sister...and i'm not anything to you...meaning, you have no right to tell me what to do...or to tell me such things as you told me today...or to comment on what is none of your fing business...so i repeat again...fuck off...yes i'm hopping mad at you...so you clear out of my way and leave me alone...i've no desire to see your fing face anyways...bleah
that said, i feel much better...been putting up with it for so long...and this time i said what i needed to say...
i went a bit insane today...haha...ppl got shocked...i also have no idea what i was doing...just doing what i felt like doing...hehe...
i was sent something today...it went like this...and i'm putting this up for my kor...i hope you feel better soon...
"...Disappointment will do that to you. It will blind you towards the very presence of God. Discouragement turns our eyes inward. God could be next to us, but despair clouds our vision. Despair does something else. Not only does it cloud our vision, it hardens our hearts. We get cynical. We get calloused. And when good news comes, we don't want to accept it for fear of being disappointed again.
Common reaction--isn't it? Been hurt by love? Then don't love. Had a promise violated? Then don't trust. Had your heart broken? Then don't give it away. Settle the score by blaming the world and hardening your heart.
There is a line, a fine line, which once crossed can be fatal. Its the line between disappointment and anger. Between hurt and hate, between bitterness and blame. If you are nearing that line, I urge you. Do not cross it. Step back and ask this question : How long am I going to pay for my disappointment?"
Disappointment is cured by revamped expectations.
you dun need ppl in your life kor...you dun even need your family...you just need yourself...and to love yourself as well as love God...God is in control...just remember that...love you kor...i hope, you really really feel better soon...
to the person i miss...my heart is with you everyday...the hurt deepens...and its hard to face everything without that person to hold me by the hand by my side...but i try my best...and i do it bcos you try your best too...thank you, for everything...
i thought i let go...i know i have not...and i really do stand alone...
tired.of.everything.but.i.push.on.for.you
7/27/2004 08:27:00 ap.
sunnuntai, heinäkuuta 25, 2004
ouch
*ouch* stupid memories...i still remember every single word...the catch phrases...everything that i'm not supposed to remember...perhaps if i go, it'll be simpler to do so...
sigh...it still hurts...gosh, tml is the day...that day...one full year passed aft that incident...and tml, is the day...last year, didn't think abt what might happen on that day...its scary to think abt it...and now i got that same feeling in the pit of my stomach...i wonder what it will be like for us...that name we called it...its stuck in my head hilarious...i wish tml was over...
i wish tml was over bcos it means i have to go for eng enrichment...why...i wanna go home...and sleep...or something...anything but be in school...
i wish tml was over bcos it means one day closer to my peace...my blessed peace
i feel used...its true that no one gives a damn anymore...i wonder why i bother...i wonder why do i care to go out of my way to bother anymore...and the person that i can bother abt and be sure that he gives a damn is hardly by my side...i cant take the miles anymore...argh
i dun see any pt in doing anything anymore...just get the stupid o's over and done with...go away...be alone...do anything but remember the ppl i bother remembering now...and not remember a thing abt anyone of them...
this hurts...i feel like i want to cry badly...like i want to do whatever i did all over again...to do what i need to...even today's major clean up did not help...sleep did not help...i can't resist the idea...i can't resist the thoughts...no, i just can't resist...
does anyone give a fing damn?
7/25/2004 11:37:00 ap.
lauantaina, heinäkuuta 24, 2004
loving.your.differences
sleep deprived again...this time the cause was staying up too late to help my veli with his blog...added in some stuff...and nearly went crazy bcos of his totally problematic template...somehow, when you add in anything into the sidebar, te entire sidebar shift down below the posts...aft many many tries, i somehow managed to get it back into original position (somewhat) and also add music, a tagboard, links...at least there was a sense of acheivement later...need to sort it out some more...try to really really get the sidebar into original position...sigh...
went to sch early today for chemistry...got screened methyl orange onto my hands...and this nonsensical person *argh* you know who you are...HAD to go touch the outside of the conical flask aft he could CLEARLY see that the thing had leaked out it...and then comment on my so-called "squirting skills"...nonsense...QA was fun though...to make sure the gas didn't escape we did outrageous things to complete all the tests for gases...haha...funny...
aft that had the prize giving ceremony rehearsal...as per normal...collecting that STUPID prize...for me, its enough that i did get A1...i dun have to know or have to let the entire school know that i did top the level...getting tired of this kinda nonsense...3 yrs of doing it has made me feel that its nothing but a waste of time...and its still the same prize...sigh...
went for band...majulah singapura was a new arrangement...running passages...its nicer, i must admit...IF a band is good...which is currently not the case...its upsetting to watch my senior's "baby project" go down the drain...mine and veli's baby project going down the drain as well...council...i want to let go, but the more i look at them, the more i feel that i can't pull away just yet...they seem to be unwilling to share the work...to cooperate...and to be a team...how does any council work like that...with totally no goal...the only one being to complete their meetings quickly by giving slipshot work just to go home...pls let the sec4s and 5s go away in peace...its sickening...that we have to worry all the time...i don't think that happened when last year's senior batch pulled away...
missing someone...love the differences...thats what i learned frm him...differences are the important things you should look at...they make you beautiful...they make you unique...the similarities? not as important...though, in friendships and other relationships, they are what tie you together...i love your differences...and miss you...hope we meet soon
i'm upset right now...watched pds...saw my seniors...went home...slept...thats all i bothered to do...it seems everything is against me...against us...so far away...lonesome...i dunno why, but it seems that this time...its not the same as before...can't coax me frm so far away...i feel supressed...i feel...strangely...lonely...perhaps its the distance...i dunno...
missing the person i quarrelled with...i guess i couldn't take it anymore...to lose such a person both as a friend and as a brother hurts...but i got sick of being blamed for every single quarrel...i switched off...bcos thought the message that was given to me was think abt yourself and take care of yourself...it was really, think abt him and how he'd feel...and then it struck me aft that quarrel...what abt how i'd feel? why didn't it matter?
tears slipping...its weird...looking through a very thin sheet of cloth at everyone else...i can see whats happening...i can see the colours...i can see everything...but if i reach out, and i try to touch them...the lovely cloth will rip and then i'll see everything...unprotected now...somewhat like looking through a sheet of white organza...misty and fairylike...
loving.your.differences
7/24/2004 11:50:00 ap.
perjantaina, heinäkuuta 23, 2004
yay yay...i played him fair and square
adrenaline running through my veins...
saw poor eric kor on the sofa in the councillors room fast asleep...sleepy head...was exhausted i guess...but i do hope that he did get some good sleep...then he woke up and went off for his test...i was doing mine...no more...
band stuff...making me have a huge head ache...all the things my batch and the batch before worked for went down the drain...the sec 4s now are majorly worried...can they even play for national day?
teachers' day...another huge problem in itself...sigh...lemme let go..i wanna play and study, not work my butt off anymore in council...lemme go...argh
sch was ok...pe : floorball...*wheeeeee*....some major whacking action...wasn't gd...having cramps this time not frm laughing too much but bcos i slept on my tummy last night...aiyoh...so the game didn't go well, we lost...but my team had most posession...and though they scored 4 against our 2...i must say it was not nadiah's fault...repeatedly either me or her were left alone...sigh...must play with better ppl...more impt...must play more often...
had a little chat in the canteen aft sch...long time since we could do that...sch is getting wearisome...we used to come to sch for other things bsides getting an education in the classroom...now our education is confined to the classroom...no more games aft sch...no more freedom...we're suppressed...so very badly...
oh, to the person with a major problem with ppl named ruzaini...haha...too bad then, who knows, you might even name your son ruzaini one day...*wink wink*...ah, i'm teasing...
feeling very very tired...i understand how that person feels...alot of things to do...same here...*hugs*...i miss you too...
jokes are majorly funny these days...esp in the council room...too bad its collapsing...
7/23/2004 10:37:00 ap.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 22, 2004
i.played you and you didn't know
i deserve the best actress award...eric kor will know why...haha...played someone...and that particular person acherlie thought it was the other way round..well sorry, it not...too bad fer ya...
today was a generally ok day..aft some stuff...and also bcos of my little "game"...haha...sweet...
chem ct...erm ok, just that i forgot a couple of things...think i should scrape through...esp since i finally understand wth ionic equations are...and also know electrolysis well...think i might acherlie scrape throught the o level chem paper...haha...
tml pe...gonna play floorball...definitely...am floorball deprived...
eric kor sent me a marvellous video...haha...see what my daddy says when he watches it tonight...*wink-wink*...
found my smile..yay~
where is the love? here...its here...love my family...haha..btw...am worried for you my sweet...take gd care, esp frm the person we played together today...wheet~
no.more.waiting.no.more.tears.just.smiles.
7/22/2004 12:06:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, heinäkuuta 21, 2004
sweet.notti.adorable.guy
snag...yep, i know what it stands for...
racial harmony today...my eric kor looked handsome and positively malay...fit looked sweet...zakiah and eldora so pretty...oke looked smart...tiong li looked nice...ranjani and kumud looked sweet...and nadiah pretty in pink...teresa looked peranakan...so many others of course, too many to mention...but all looked good today...out of the sch uniform for one day...thank heavens...
my sis did well in her dikir putri today...good gal...and well done!
joseph was cracking me up...he looked malay today too...boss sallehin and fadzly looked very good as well...
had o level music...took photos...o level music was fun...we were all restless today...mr leung, too bad for you...we were so very hyper...i think i'm down with a fever now...
now getting the recital recording frm rachel...love her recollections *envy-envy* it touched my heart...reminds me of someone i know...
argh...A is still a major source of irritation...i can act ok...i can act that i'm not affected...but it still shakes me up when i have to think abt passing or facing him...argh...irritated with today...thought i would have an A-free day for once...guess not...
i think i looked horrible...just hope i didn't spoil the pics that they took...sigh...
been.waiting.we.wait.no.more
7/21/2004 12:04:00 ip.
tiistaina, heinäkuuta 20, 2004
wishing.hoping.worrying.praying.
i'm worried...for
that person...i woke up several times last night...tears...silent prayers crossed my lips a couple of times...been restless, thinking of what that person told me last night...hoping...praying...wishing...worrying...still haven't heard anything of what happened...i just pray that everything went fine...if anything, i'll wait for you my friend...you've got me...
school...for the second day in this week, GLow and ZAG aren't here...so means free periods...what did i end up doing? worrying...more and more...
jani told me she dreamt abt
A...aiyoh...crazy things are happening...todays weather was kinda crazy...no warning, and suddenly : torrents of rain...it stopped just as abruptly and the sun went on shining...reminds me of a kid who pretends nothing just happens and happily puts on that innocent face to ask permission to go play...sigh...deceitful, thats what i call it...
last nite was sweet...aft a long month, we finally talked things out...wish to meet you soon too...for now, take care aytes? love you loads...
so a bittersweet nite...thats what i had...one where there were both smiles and tears...though i admit, more of the latter...if only, things hadn't turned out this way for my friend...if only...
7/20/2004 12:11:00 ip.
maanantaina, heinäkuuta 19, 2004
sigh...lonely...very
so now...got to sch...everytime looked at
A cringed...thought abt that dream...its cringe worthy...but its also kinda hilarious...aiyoh...cannot sleep already...not just bcos of that dream...but also bcos of
that question...aiyoyo...
sch today was ok i guess...had ml free so i kinda slacked with mas in the music rm...courtesy to dearie mrs chua...played the piano awhile...its nice to play a proper one once in a while...just that i forgot everything since i've been practising my clarinet more...argh...darn darn...had ch free as well...slacked in sch also with oke and the other councillors...oh we have this great song now...its goes like this
nevermind, nevermind, nevermind...(wags finger)
cute...really cute if you watch...finally settled the duty list for this week...and gave out all the campaign files as well...and that
nevermind song...all thanks to mr oke...aiyoh...so funny...ranjani should have seen...we laughed till our sides ached...sigh...been a long time since i did that...
someone got me into a spot of embarrassment today when i helped out...reminded me...the day is nearing...*shudders*...i can't help but remember...thought i pused it all out of my head...i didn't...its still haunting me...
i'm lonely...in a crowd, but feel alone...listen to the words of others, but at the same time...listening to the words going over in my head...the thoughts that can't go away...the fear...the loneliness...the sadness...i wish i could laugh and forget everything...thats ever happened...angry with myself...darn it...
lonely.confusion.sleeplessnites.
7/19/2004 12:08:00 ip.
sunnuntai, heinäkuuta 18, 2004
celebrations excluding me
went out to aunty faridah's house today...celebrations for aunty faridah's and aunty kamsinah's bdaes...
well...celebrations were typical...joyful, i guess...i dunno...too much has been on my mind lately...like i said...i'm pissed...
acherlie eric kor asked me if i was free today...and someone else asked too...but sorry i couldn't accompany either of you...
last night...well was a very very very sleepless one for me...didnt get any sleep until late...bcos of what someone said...my gdness what a question to ask...that question...oh gdness me...really knocked me off my feet...didn't know what to say, but ask the reason...and even that wasn't given to me...i just want to clarify this asap...sigh...there'll be more sleepless nites for me if i don't...argh...really, why me...why of all ppl, me
i had a terrifying nightmare that day...i dreamt i was in sch with eric kor...at the canteen...then
A walked up to me...gdness...looked at me and kor one kind...so then he smiles...*shiver*...and he told me...
i read your blog...i got a rude shock...him :
i read abt this person named A, is he me? and i heard something frm D...why are you afraid?...shock again...so i made this lame excuse that A was not him...he pulls me aside my the arm and looks me fiercely in the eye...
i need to talk to you, we'll see each other after school...and walks away...i woke up in tears...a bad dream...a really bad one...
i wonder if that person did what he said he would...poor thing...
you.don't.give.a.damn.why.did.i.even.bother.to.apologize.
7/18/2004 02:54:00 ip.
lauantaina, heinäkuuta 17, 2004
the meaning of a smile
i've lost the meaning of a smile....of that simple hello...sigh
went for the TP convention today...went with mas and jani...hilarious...managed to jinx jani for a full 1 and a half hours...so anyways, aft my experience at numerous conventions, i must say this one was average...the history of pi was good...the study tips entertaining...the lecturers were not only articulate but were good at what they did, seriously...then the ultimate disaster : question and answer session...reason being that some ppl frm SOME schools were being immature and rude...REALLY rude...asked STUPID and IRRELEVANT questions...pls, the lecturers may not be your teachers, and you aren't obligated to treat them in that way...but pls acknowedge the fact that they are your elders, and also very very knowledgable...they even have the decency to handle some of the crap you present, like the most trivial questions...so give them some respect...i was horrified and disgusted at the questions and they way the students tried to "kill" the lecturers...unless you are better than them, and have acheived more than them in life...go ahead, try to make them look small and be egoistical...but since i think that the students who asked those questions are far frm being better then the lecturers, then i think they should just shut the f**k up...its RUDE...thank gdness the prcs students had sense...and also, congrats to the emcee for handling that situation well...really well...gd for you
got home...went to slp for awhile...then went out with eric kor later in the evening...poor boy...was intending to go to library since early this week...if i'm not mistaken...since last week as well...as sson as he reached, the library had closed...went to go get some stuff...as usual, talked some...sigh...things are getting to me...i feel what you feel kor...upset...its just, everything...now back at home waiting for him to come online like he said...but that boy is prolly too engrossed in scaring himself with ju-on...*giggles*...its funny to think of him having a massive heart attack with his bro watching it...but then again, thats the him that i know...its sad to see...nvm...miss my kor that i know so much...been ages since i've seen him like this...really
this fuss abt blogging...its something that was small and blown up to massive proportions...its stupid to tell someone to watch what they say in a blog...it is a blog for gdness sake...our personal space...our personal reflections...key word : personal...therefore, what we say is our personal opinion...not yours to dictate...like i told hui ping...if you dun like what you see...get the f**k lost...yes, some ppl may abuse their blogs to spread rumours...those ppl are malicious...the important thing is to take everything in a blog with a pinch of salt...they are personal opinions...some may be biased...so, just keep quiet abt what you read alright...if you have so many comments...like i said f**k off...really...its pissing me off...
i hope oke gets better...worried to see him like that...aiyoyo boy...dun bcome like me can already liao...
weird questions coming my way...weird dreams...weird everything....
look.what.you've.done
7/17/2004 03:11:00 ip.
perjantaina, heinäkuuta 16, 2004
still missing my abang
finally...aft praying so hard that it wouldn't rain today, it didn't...i got my share of floorball! *sighs* so contented...aft so long, and it was sooo nice...floorball so rocks...it was battle of the sexes, six on six...girls won 2-0...was a sweet victory...esp when i was defending...haha, no shots get past me...the funniest game i ever played...although we won, don't think i played particularly well...esp when i was laughing half the time...got a massive tummy ache frm doing that...and the weirdest thing was that aft we went up, exactly aft our pe, the rain came...quite heavy mind you...
pretty much a good day...oh yes, have this to say...
really, it was a miracle...
did my bio test...
thought i lost my wallet last night...huge shock...tears...then someone asked me to call...cheered me up for awhile...all though prolly he dun know it...thank you ya? *smiles*oh and that promise...yea, its on...i mean it...
got my allowance yesterday...
still not happy...see eric kor make me sad...then last night when i overheard what happened...i nearly wanted to cry...it was very sad to me...then theres
that issue...everything seems against me now...haven't talked to abg firdaus in a long time...hope to soon...anyways, he dun read this he reads that you-know-where...
i'm a fool...a huge one...
7/16/2004 11:14:00 ap.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 15, 2004
memories of abang
everytime this song played i used to think of my kor, jacob...now when i hear this song play, i think of the week that has gone by...i really dun want to argue, its stupid to...and i really dun feel its my fault...just that, everything abt me is misunderstood...i dun think the way ppl do...sigh...here it goes anyway...*tears*
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
i was made a fool in this case...and that was my fault...for allowing myself be made into a fool...well...i just have to say its upsetting...
7/15/2004 11:23:00 ap.
its going to be one week now
one full week...geez...didn't know it would be this long
fairly slack day today...no aftnoon lessons..mr colling and mdm kamisah not in today...so technically had 7 free periods including mt, where we never do anything...did titration during physics, watched some show during malay...then had 3 free periods...other than math, didn't study at all...interesting...
it better not rain tml...i want my captain's ball/floorball...been ages since i played...and i also do not wanna do physical training like my poor kor today...nono...i want to play...preferably floorball...pls pls pls dun rain...
TP trip on sat...looking forward to that...dunno what to bring though...
nothing more to bother abt anymore...just want to go to sleep...might be going to library later...
got my allowance today too...
7/15/2004 07:22:00 ap.
tiistaina, heinäkuuta 13, 2004
-bleep- this
yes...-bleep- this...time for a little acting now...everything will be transferred to you-know-where...so no more of bitterness and stuff...bcoming apparent...that...sigh...nvm
today was scolding day for 4/6...spastic monkeys are getting a bit upset...but other than that...ok day for us...the usual...ppl being over-hyper and very crazy...thats 4/6 for you...
other than this...no more to blog...just feeling very tired these days...pleased that my bio is improving...physics too...chem as well...now i have only one more to tackle...math...humanities have never been a problem...neither has eng...math...its the only one left...just hope i can get it on time...mr tan's talk today on dropping a math is very "sensical" and since i already made that decision long ago, i shall stick to it...no pt struggling anymore for 2, just concentrate on one...66 days to prelims...the air is tense in class these days
till next time, adios
7/13/2004 07:19:00 ap.
maanantaina, heinäkuuta 12, 2004
darn him
this whole thing is getting to me...i can't even go to bed every night without having tears in my eyes...to get through class is wearisome...i only get through bcos of the spastic monkeys that we have in class make me laugh...and by attacking each test as ferociously as i can...recess is worse...avoiding everything...eye contact...it hurts...alot...eric kor is doing alot to distract me...dun think he knows it but yea, it helps a little...just a bit...in the end, i can't really help but think abt it again...its just...everything
rain...had a nap today...
have no heart to do anything much abt anything right now..just feel like sinking down and letting the tears flow...i've lost myself for sometime bcos of this whole issue...now that i did...i realise it hurts to have done that...darn this thing..
seem to be swearing more these days...will do it again -bleep-
there...i dun care anymore...
7/12/2004 01:53:00 ip.
sunnuntai, heinäkuuta 11, 2004
tired
ok went out today fer cycling with me veli and co...was cool...no, lets change that...was awesome...esp since i made my veli cycle that distance...haha...so funny...
did some exploring at changi...and did some spoiling of a lighter...and some more cycling...watch ppl eat...back started acting up...but though my bike was screwed and i was outta prac...we managed well...esp since he was using a stunt bike...crazy boi...but seriously it was fun...sorta what i called the veli's day...since it was fun...and talked some as well...aiyah, like i said...bro+sis=craziness and fun-ology...serious...
i figure my veli is pooped...poor baby...*evil laugh*...at least there aren't any complaints today abt being bored...
left with my chem hw to finish...aint much anyways...but though had an awesome day....still feeling upset...aft it all, the hurt just hits me harder...remembering that ya...i have to tackle that prob...its tiring...particularly in my position...-bleep-...sorry...
7/11/2004 01:38:00 ip.
lauantaina, heinäkuuta 10, 2004
no one sees this hooray...i'm suicidal now
not going to delete the hate post...but if anyone in sch thinks it applies to them, it doesn't...just to set the record straight
went to MEP concert yesterday...was superb...definitely the best performance i've seen so far...finally REALLY understand mr chew's sound concept...i guess he's finally got a supporter from crestwinds...me...
so anyways, the concert featured a couple of performers...particularly admired those pianists who got their diplomas at 12 or something like that...their hands move so quickly...gosh...then the orchestra was real nice...Copland's "Hoe Down" was a real pleasing performance...couldn't help smiling as i watched them tune up, and the anxiousness of those performing...reminds me of my own experiences on stage...they've ended for sec sch, but i wish to see many more to come...
went with Zoe...quite paiseh, saw so many prcs ppl on the way...and the way i was dressed *shrugs*...nvm abt that...saw liwei and steph, they passed directly infront of me and didn't see me...i guess that'll tell you enough about my clothes aye...
these few days have been rough...tired out...and other stuff i shant care to mention...i cut myself today...happened in the band room...shan't explain, but hazirah looked panicky...sigh...
oh, ya...went to see the band...they are getting better...but not really that good...i'm glad to see that the sec 1s are now understanding the meaning of "bell tone"...euphos are the best in the brass section in my opinion...tubas need to gel abit more, they need that sort of "pizzicato" sound...like that of the double bass in orchestras...trombones are coming up fine, however, the seconds ought to be more aggressive, and the firsts can afford to be much louder...make a stand mann...horn...i dunno what to say abt them, but they lack this certain element...shant mention it here...but might tell mariam later...they lack exactly what sudiani possessed before...oh, and daphne's being hard core...rock on man girl! the rest of her section need to support her however...maybe can hear more of some lyrical sounds if you guys push...oh, and the winds...my section has a serious shortage of reeds...the trills are getting better...particularly fateen...love her to bits...firsts need to back her up, seconds need to play it out...saxes ought to be much louder, particularly the tenors...and flutes are doing fine...love their articulation...
still aft that whole para dedicated to the diff sections...the band still lacks something...its frustrating for me to watch them be like that...one moment be so great and the next sink down in the deeps...seriously, i believe they are good enough to get a gold next year...IF they work for it...
sigh...other than band and the chem test today, i've nothing to say...just too hurt right now
7/10/2004 12:16:00 ip.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 08, 2004
SHUT UP
SHUT UP
YOU GET ON MY NERVES
YOUR STUPID SOUNDS
YOU ONLY THINK OF YOURSELF
EVEN YOUR EATING IS NOISY
CANT I EVER GET ANY PEACE?
OH YEA I CAN
IN ONE WAY
THEN I WILL HEAR YOU SHUT UP
COS I CAN'T HEAR ANYMORE
I WILL BE GONE
7/08/2004 10:14:00 ap.
this.bloody.title.wont.be.shown.anyways.why.bother
never felt worse...
suddenly that song is playing in my head...only one lyric of it will apply..."you will walk a lonely road"...or rather, already applies...i'm lonely...what else can i say...not lonely in the sense that i need a "stead" like so many others do...not that way...i've gotten tired of this whole stupid pretence...its bcome a tad bit unnatural...since when does msh smile when she fails a test...any test? i cry when i don't finish my tests...it feels as if i can't find my tears anymore bcos i've held them back too long...
to the person whom it applies to : abangism...yes, i told you to go tell me to die...i want you to...i know you won't want to...tell you the truth that i'm sick of pretending even for you...it hurts to see you around....yes, its gotten to a point where it hurts just to see...no need to speak, no need to hear...no need to feel your gaze...yes, you see smiles...i do that...i'm sick of it...i'm sick of all of it...you shouldn't have meddled...you shouldn't have cared...you should have left me alone...i wont be here, to face you or this stupid mess that i've let myself endure for too long...so since you know i only listen to you and eric kor, go tell me to die...make things simple for me again...
someone called me lovergirl today...how interesting...sad, and interesting...another said sorry to me...the way that my name was called...softly, sweetly...and that apologetic look...i'm sorry my sunshine...it was a rough time before...and its a rough time for me now...i'm sorry, there is no way you can help...that way doesnt work anymore...
i like to look around...if suddenly my eyes chance upon a person who is looking at me...then i feel uncomfortable...so dun look at me...i repeat to all peepz...LEAVE ME ALONE UNLESS I TALK TO YOU...
i hate me
i hate me
i hate me
i hate me
perfection? someone tried to contradict me on this issue by making two statements that contradicted each other
"nobody i perfect. its the imperfections that make us the special ones"
if no one is perfect, and everyone imperfect, how can one be special, bcos you are ordinary if you are imperfect...thank you to this person for teaching me a great lesson...the only way to be special is to be perfect...
tired.of.the.pretence.tell.me.to.go.die.please.
7/08/2004 09:54:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, heinäkuuta 07, 2004
tired.pooped.
am tired.
practically ko-ed yesterday when came home.
reason being that i took painkillers again.
i'm useless...
but then again, whats new abt me?
am i the only one who can't access sheena's blog?
must be, since i'm useless
the councillors are being unfair
they dun spare a thought for the EXCO
and concentrate on their own feelings
oh please, i'm more tired,
if not as tired as them
i feel embarassed that i'm their vp
a very BAD vp at that
why did i have to be
eric kor is sick
ranjani is sick
i can't bring myself to face abang anymore
it hurts when i do
all i can bear to do is to smile that fake smile
and argue that is aint fair
what isn't fair i don't know
my eng is not up to its usual standard
my bio is improving
the sch is cramming all lessons on wed
my music day
oh ya my O LEVEL MUSIC day
great
i resolved to walk into oncoming traffic today
but guess what?
the traffic light turned green
as i approached the road with my head bent
this bites
and i can't find a conclusion
to my story
the one i'm writing
oh ya
why?
because i'm useless
hear-me-feel-me-see-me-hate-me-thats-what-i-do-anyways
7/07/2004 11:29:00 ap.
sunnuntai, heinäkuuta 04, 2004
sundays
had relatives over to stay last night...watched the eye...was not the slightest bit scary...was tired...legs ached...
talked to that guy last night...today also...sigh, i'm stressed...he's stressed...abang is also kinda sian today...so naturally, i feel even more stressed...man this sucks...
today just brought that mina kecik to go play with my bro and zaidi...belanja those kiddos...took many pics, hopefully can post them soon...
am sad...upset...disappointed...alone...what else? oh yes, "funny"...sigh...no mood to update anymore...happy youth day to all peeps who are young at heart or just plain young...go get yourself a pressie...dun expect one from no one...-bleep-...you get the pic...so now just buzz off
7/04/2004 01:00:00 ip.
lauantaina, heinäkuuta 03, 2004
what?
ok, today was listening for ml...so cool, was on ria, not warna...din screw up this time so it was fine...met abang on the way, hope it went well fer veli and him...heard frm the chi pupils that it could be done, therefore i think they should do fine...
yesterday was my 2.4...ran with the failures and a few like me including wonder woman sheena who have not run the test yet...passed as expected, just that the timing was horrific...have not trained in 2 months, so it was expected...wondering why sheena is a wonder woman? well, she has not trained for more than half a year, and she came in just aft me by half a minute or so...and she claims she aint in good shape? sigh, girl, you are in great shape...and you look fine too *wink wink*
saw eric's dog dj...yup, he's a cutie...went to meet my dearie veli at the bus stop with ranjani yesterday...met yingying there by chance...also saw the prcs ppl who were going home...and saw dj...its a yorkshire terrier (is that how its spelt?)...anyways, its cute when it aint near me...cus i'm 'fraid of dogs...and cats...so i headed over to whitesands to buy groceries for my mum...as per normal lah that one...
also councillor meeting yesterday...any idea why japs stopped using WITS? duh, bcos it doesn't work...but its difficult for myself now...have that responsibility to shoulder...that whole campaign...and that means, i have to convince myself that it works so that i can't convince my council that it works...so that it isn't a flop...sigh...managed to make dearie abang go...*grins*...that one, aiyoh...what can i say hmmm? told me he's a good actor...hallo?! i told you you could be a good actor, had the looks and voice...and what you told me? you said NOOO...yaya...now tell me differently...*grrr*...took me so long to get him to come...and whats more, he knew i was paranoid abt ppl cabut-ing and so he teased me all the way up that he was going to cabut as well...rilek adik, rilek adik...must forgive abang...rilek dik....*clenches fist*...sigh...
seems like an ok week...youth day is up next...my back probs are acting up again...now keeping the pain killers and the fastum in my bag...for sch purposes...finally...*smiles sweetly at abang*...you know what i mean...
like i said...SEEMS like an ok week...had bad encounters...cried a couple of times...and no one knew...thats good...but someone nearly blew my cover...thats bad...thats why it SEEMS like a good week and is not REALLY a good week...sigh...
btw, my element is ice...dunno why...everything leads back to the same time...winter...when i was born...perhaps its this snow globe...shall keep this to myself for now...maybe for ever...but lets see where i get...
7/03/2004 02:22:00 ip.
torstaina, heinäkuuta 01, 2004
this.sucks
MT oral today...and i screwed up...well, thats normal since i'm usually screwed up anyways...but it doesn't hurt any less...i was so nervous that my fingers were icy cool even in that canteen that was sooo warm today...then when i ran up, i was perspiring terribly but my hands were still cool...thank you to all people who had wished me all the best...so the oral, i was so nervous that i stumbled on the passage a number of times...that is so not like me...i mean, sure i stumble but that was the most number of times i've EVER stumbled...and the conversation...my mind was totally blank, so i just made up this ridiculous story...and when i left in the end, i left my entry proof on the table inside...with the examiners...bloody...stupid stupid stupid stupid me...
so yep...that was my day...eveything got to me...was and am agitated...was pretty upset bcos i had to perform my duty of asking...or rather, in this case...forcing my abang to come for the meeting tomorrow...and i sense that he feels like he said "super sian"...i mean, ya, i have to do things but i don't like doing such things...in hate it when given responsibility...ever wondered why i insisted on not being student conductor in band? i just knew i wouldn't like it...there is no pt in doing work half heartedly...some things like hw, i can't really escape, so the quality of my work will be affected...but in this case, i couldn't just accept that post like that...and when this came along, it made things worse, bcos i could not push that responsibility aside...i couldn't 'not accept' it...not like before...
yep...aint high anymore...so basically i feel the same as before...tired...in pain...and also very very miserable...i'm stuck...doubly so...now i have to choose between 4 and not 2...its difficult since all are important...
oh yes, i found out marcus reads my blog so yea...HI
and also, thank you to the ppl who are always adding hugs...i know jae's one of them *hugs jae*
erm, and sorry to abang...not abt the sian thing...not abt the meeting...not abt anything...just abt something that you disapprove of...i think you should know what...i'm sorry...
i have sad eyes...recently, a friend i made told me that i have starry eyes...pretty eyes, like those of a princess ( i dunno whether he knew it or not but acherlie my name, sarah, does mean princess )...i beg to differ...i have sad eyes...they are either red bcos i'm exhausted or full of tears because i'm upset...nope, i can't eye-smile...it aint possible for me...so to the ppl who told me to go be a model, i already told you i can't...now you know why...sad eyes...to look at the sad things that you have to see in the world today...its a sad sad world...and few ppl see that...them and that stupid " look on the bright side of life "..."life is beautiful live it "...thats bs...there's nothing beautiful abt life...this world was once beautiful...prolly if God looks at what it has become he'd be disappointed...displeased...its not what it used to be...
how do you define maturity? i mean, just because you have so-called "twisted morals" does not mean you are immature...i was outraged today when mdm kamisah said that pessimism and negativity are signs of immaturity (if there is such a word)...partly since i am negative and pessimistic...its stupid...i mean, if you are being pessimistic, it means you are always prepared for the worse...which is better, being prepared for the worst, or just doing nothing and hoping and expecting the best...that whole thing abt being negative is immature is total bull....i still stand firm on the belief that its always better to die early...then everything will be peaceful...
am very "funny" today...only one person will know what i mean...
l o s t s o u l w i t h a t e a r i n m y h a n d
7/01/2004 11:53:00 ap.