I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 22, 2004
updates
ok time for some updates...been out of home alot lately, ferz was on fri...went for the band camp to settle alot of things, mainly my o level music stuff where i got some help on pieces...worked on them until my lips and teeth ached...also helped out my ferz clarinets, where i have a couple of newbies...and also be a mother hen to the other band members during the meal times...helped to prepare the food and drinks and stuff like that...then of course had a little time to myself...so that lasted until sun morn...was tired and had back probs in sch...so i slept a little...and had some fun as well...
sun morn i headed down to jani's house to put my stuff...then we go together to MRT station for emergency exercise...must say it was quite lame though we got a nice shirt and food...we only stood in the MRT, went 2 mins away frm the station and then we came back and evacuated the train...aft that we reached downstairs and heard the explosion sound...like that lah, then we head home...i went back to sch and took my husband yamaha home...got my stuff settled...slept and hour...then went for the band bbq...it felt disastrous to me...when i reached there not many were there...the fire just started died down...so helped to set up the fire...got myself black all over...and burnt...my knee still hurts frm kneeling down for long...and i smelt of smoke bcos of the fire...we had abit of fun btw the malay ppl lah...we ferz had fun while setting things up...then we pumped up the music...did alot of crapping...but hated the cliqueish atmosphere...everyone like just pitch in it would be fine, but well...it wasn't like that...ppl sitting aside and not helping out...then making comments abt other's hard work...abt the camp i was already depressed...then the other stuff i had to face alone...then the crap i had to face at the bbq...so yea, ppl got upset...i cried...others cried...like that lah...i had no one to call...then i decided call my veli...i'm so sorry to trouble you, but thank you fer coming down...it was real sweet of you...at least, if no one around, i have you as a gd friend and brother...thank you...
still feeling depressed, but i make everything look happy abt me...keeps ppl frm worrying...talking with veli made me cry...firsly, bcos i bothered him when he came...two, bcos of the things he said lah...so yea, i have like now, absolutely no choice? darn...argh...dunno how to express what i'm feeling right now...mixed feelings...dominant feeling : HURT...yes, very...other than that, lotsa negative emotions...i feel like argueing everything i chat with veli, but i also remember i have to respect the fact that he's older, so i can't...also since he rattles on and i can't really interrupt...sometimes, i feel that he just doesnt understand...but i still call on him...every wonder why? well, i guess its because i know he won't tell...i know he will try to help me out...and i know that he'll distract me...frm doing something at the wrong time...buts there's loads more i can't express...argh...just screw this...
so yes, aft that i went for councillor workshop...boss and wanting turned up as well as veli...thanks guys...aft that i came home and finally, got some rest...slept loooong...still feel like sleeping...was supposed to go to SP today with Isi, but since i arranged abangism something today...and also was tired...and since veli wanted to come along, i didn't go...sigh..
feeling worried...disturbed...something is bothering me...no, ALOT is bothering me...feeling like a lost soul, with no direction...mixed up...everything...i'm a mess...
6/22/2004 05:02:00 ap.