I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 03, 2004
s c h o o l
school today...the usual fungicide class...2 of the mushrooms dieded...wow...then recess, combined A math class, and finally CH's lesson...then a councillor meeting...sigh sigh...one more day to go, then we have our Sc practical examinations...and then Harry Potter with the class...and aft that, camping at the beach...fun-ness...
today was one of the few days which were not bad...bcos mummy got no chance to nag lah...and the argument btw me and abang settle already...i'm sorry, just didn't like seeing you degrade yourself...love you loads ya? *muakz*...since that was settled, it made things better...also gave the book to iso veli...he is coming along real well...he aint ans me now, prolly playing game again...but just now he spoke real well...rakastan sinua yhtä paljon kun abang...really...
so yea, aft that mummy had even less chance of nagging bcos i went to sleep...and woke up kinda late...and then my bro offered me chocolate...and there was choc ice cream...hmm...well, i'm not like the ultimate choc fan ( i seldom eat, i think my abg and veli know that)...but ice cream, and since i was in the mood, yea, i ate some...
oh well, i dunno how long this will last...for sure, i know that though it wasn't a bad day, i was not happy still...something's missing...and something else should be missing, but isn't...its painful...like a jigsaw puzzle thats been forced into a part where it actually doesn't fit...a misfit...thats what i am, and always been...i should be missing...but i dunno what is missing at this point in time...not sure that i want to find out...i actually was going well, ice cream and all...until i stumbled across something in one of my blogs...and everything, why i don't want to be here...the tiredness that i tr to forget...the stupid pain that i try to mask...everything came back...
perhaps i should stop pretending that everything is ok, really...bcos it really aint...yes, i've tried pretending, for not just my own sake, but for others, that everything is hunky-dory...newsflash: it isnt...i'm haunted by the spirits of my past...by the problems...no, there is no way i can let go...bcos not only am i haunted, they plague me right now...i know, if abg were to read this, he'd prolly avoid me...start treating me coldly again...you know what abang, it doesn't help when you do so...if you choose to, go ahead, i will care for you no less...bcos i know when you choose such, you just wish not to make me cry again...but i'm tired of pretending that everything is ok...i know you know so...and i know that you can see it in my eyes, as you have told me before...but though you know, you've never had to face it...i wish not you make you do so...for it will hurt you, and i said before that i did not want to do so...these ghosts, they are mine, not yours...don't try to take the blow for me...i will take it alone...you can't help me anymore...all you will be doing is hurting yourself in the process...don't try anymore...please...
i t i s u p t o m e a l o n e
6/03/2004 11:23:00 ap.