I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 09, 2004
m i s e r a b l e
i'm awfully miserable today...woke up early and wentto sch for chem lesson...didn't even have the heart to chat with anyone, so i just sat alone without bothering abt anyone else...tears...in sch, but it aint term time, so i am safe...i thought abt everything...abt the pain, the tears that i'm denied...how much i have been a burden to abang and veli, as much as they want to deny the fact...and i wanted to, oh yes...again, its crossed my mind...plan aft plan within that 2 hrs...i was sitting near the door, the nearest seat to the windows, and i did not even gaze out as i usually do...just looked down, and flipped the pages blindly...and when i looked up, i saw the crepe paper on the noticeboard...
orange...what could i do but let the tears flow while i thought of abangism...its been long, very long...and since recent events when i found that lonesome found happiness...its my fault, trusting someone so blindly...but all i can do is be happy for him...it still hurts though...and all i feel is more tired...
went to watch happy potter the day before, and had a blast...but when i was going home, i looked out the mrt windows and realised what a fool i was...thinking that by focusing on distractions, i would forget...it didn't make me forget, just intensified the pain...i realise now, every time i try to push it out of my head, it comes back and hits me in the heart...plans, thats all i had...i used to carry out those plans, and at least, i had some way of accomplishing what i wanted...now, i'm given no path to follow...i feel like i'm floating round aimlessly...so what if i pass the O's with flying colours...it won't make me any happier, bcos that isn't that path that i wanted to follow...the road that i chose was a simple...dark, and uncomplicated...it took little effort to follow, for the destination was near...its as if, i can see my goal, but i'm held back by an invisible force...and
orange net...yes, i'm talking abt abangism...the brotherly love he showers upon me is considered a good thing, and i shower sisterly love in return...but my burning desire is greater than this love i have for the three...abang, veli and kor...its much greater...the darkness overwhelms me more...bcos i know for a fact, there is no way that they can always be there for me...and i want to take care of this by myself now...i wanted to not speak, and yet i spoke...and it got me this far, with only more pain...why should i, i wonder...
so know i'm back at the crossroads...choosing between carrying on and going...and i think i know what my heart is saying...my head, is till in doubt...to all those ppl who think i'm a gone case...i admit its true...but i'm not totally gone, for my head and heart do not agree...so i'm left with no choice but to watch and see what other events happen...and see how much more this pain i'll have to endure without the three by my side...they have a holiday...they deserve it...and i think they should not be bothering abt me...i wonder what i'll do if any one turns up online...been in hiding...pls let them have a good hols...
i'm sorry orange, i cried again...for i couldn't pretend anymore, not even for you
h e a r t v s h e a d
6/09/2004 12:24:00 ip.