marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 30, 2004
t i r e d i n p a i n
recital today...script went to waste since i was too nervous to follow it and kept stumbling...words swimming in front of my eyes...so yea, things sorta bcame impromptu...ppl asking for ben's number...prolly his magic fingers were more magic than usual...so yea, i applaude all the performers *yay*...they were good really, and guess what, they survived...whee~
ok, i knoe, i'm not so hyper and high as yesterday bcos of the pain killers...didn't take any today, pain has subsided...
btw, i found out that rachel and farhan read my blog...so HI!
i may sound high but i aint...whee~
ok, maybe i still am...
been staying up late...am sleep deprived...
chem hw...mind saturated...
dunno what to do...maybe, thats what abg meant when he said "play"
but, so sincere, what can i do but wonder???
i'm lost i'm lost
as if i'm not all the time...
and i'm sad...but i have to continue this stupid act...
the painkillers helping to make me do so...
i'm high...wheee~
hey it aint intentional...they are pretty strong...
ouch this hurts...
not outside...just inside
wonder if i can continue like this for long...i wonder if i will last
6/30/2004 12:29:00 ip.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 26, 2004
boring
today pretty boring...mummy made semolina cake...then just wait until evening and did some more last minute hw...talk to eric awhile on msn...called me at 6...said we go out to whitesands fer awhile at around 8 to pass some stuff...was early, so i withdrew some money and went to buy sch supplies...nothing much aft that...met huda and pham there...talked some...rushed down to meet my dear bro eric...guess what, "can't make it"...wah lao...drag me down there...aiyah nvm lah, your sisko forgive you ya...scary, thought we saw his nightmare...just talked some, but considered alot...
veli and sisko...gone case mannn the two of us...as per normal...so yea, walked home...wished to see this person...been wanting to see this person since i realised...so ya...just walked that way on purpose...erm, no such luck lah...i mean its like crazy how many times our paths cross...like once in a hundred times? so ya...just bought some stuff...then went home...boring day...going to rush more hw now...
6/26/2004 01:21:00 ip.
updates 2
okok more updates...typical me am rushing my hw again, but since i'm good at that, i'm nearly finished and left with essays only which need to be submitted only on tues...so, i left off at the bbq thingie right...turns out i aint going out to watch st pats alumni...cuz rahimah can't make it...
my days been pretty boring...went out a couple of times...to see adaweyah at KKH...her asthma acting up again...well faryed was not there, faqih was...nurul, and yana..alah, the whole geng...had some fun with auntie faridah and co...then had loadsa fun with faqih (as per normal...btw, still chuckle when i remember that incident at the playgrnd at the park)...then we went out to see the pasar malam at tampines...bought some stuff
next day when to buy noora a communion pressie...i got mine though i ain't christian and i didn't attend communion but hey, its a tradition to give that pressie to a gal in my pham when she reaches 15 so i got mine last yr...it was real nice...a gold chain with a locket, inside was my parent's photos and the locket had a blue sapphire on it...anyways, noora's one is equally nice...but hten again, she'll get loads more back there, so well...it don't really count i guess...
sorry kor...your bdae i didn't manage to pass you any of my baked stuff...but i definitely hope a huge hug will compensate ya?
to all the ppl giving me hugs...thank you...*muakz* whoever you are...
6/26/2004 09:18:00 ap.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 22, 2004
updates
ok time for some updates...been out of home alot lately, ferz was on fri...went for the band camp to settle alot of things, mainly my o level music stuff where i got some help on pieces...worked on them until my lips and teeth ached...also helped out my ferz clarinets, where i have a couple of newbies...and also be a mother hen to the other band members during the meal times...helped to prepare the food and drinks and stuff like that...then of course had a little time to myself...so that lasted until sun morn...was tired and had back probs in sch...so i slept a little...and had some fun as well...
sun morn i headed down to jani's house to put my stuff...then we go together to MRT station for emergency exercise...must say it was quite lame though we got a nice shirt and food...we only stood in the MRT, went 2 mins away frm the station and then we came back and evacuated the train...aft that we reached downstairs and heard the explosion sound...like that lah, then we head home...i went back to sch and took my husband yamaha home...got my stuff settled...slept and hour...then went for the band bbq...it felt disastrous to me...when i reached there not many were there...the fire just started died down...so helped to set up the fire...got myself black all over...and burnt...my knee still hurts frm kneeling down for long...and i smelt of smoke bcos of the fire...we had abit of fun btw the malay ppl lah...we ferz had fun while setting things up...then we pumped up the music...did alot of crapping...but hated the cliqueish atmosphere...everyone like just pitch in it would be fine, but well...it wasn't like that...ppl sitting aside and not helping out...then making comments abt other's hard work...abt the camp i was already depressed...then the other stuff i had to face alone...then the crap i had to face at the bbq...so yea, ppl got upset...i cried...others cried...like that lah...i had no one to call...then i decided call my veli...i'm so sorry to trouble you, but thank you fer coming down...it was real sweet of you...at least, if no one around, i have you as a gd friend and brother...thank you...
still feeling depressed, but i make everything look happy abt me...keeps ppl frm worrying...talking with veli made me cry...firsly, bcos i bothered him when he came...two, bcos of the things he said lah...so yea, i have like now, absolutely no choice? darn...argh...dunno how to express what i'm feeling right now...mixed feelings...dominant feeling : HURT...yes, very...other than that, lotsa negative emotions...i feel like argueing everything i chat with veli, but i also remember i have to respect the fact that he's older, so i can't...also since he rattles on and i can't really interrupt...sometimes, i feel that he just doesnt understand...but i still call on him...every wonder why? well, i guess its because i know he won't tell...i know he will try to help me out...and i know that he'll distract me...frm doing something at the wrong time...buts there's loads more i can't express...argh...just screw this...
so yes, aft that i went for councillor workshop...boss and wanting turned up as well as veli...thanks guys...aft that i came home and finally, got some rest...slept loooong...still feel like sleeping...was supposed to go to SP today with Isi, but since i arranged abangism something today...and also was tired...and since veli wanted to come along, i didn't go...sigh..
feeling worried...disturbed...something is bothering me...no, ALOT is bothering me...feeling like a lost soul, with no direction...mixed up...everything...i'm a mess...
6/22/2004 05:02:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 16, 2004
o u t
did housework today...cleaned my room first thing this morning...then helped to do some laundry bcos my washing machine had broken down...my arms are aching bcos i washed those heavy towels...wring so many times...aft that i got ready to go out
went with eileena to orchard...walked round...talked some...then we took a bus home...
just talked...feel worse in a sense...this bites...really...
t h i s j u s t b i t e s
6/16/2004 12:49:00 ip.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 15, 2004
s h h
another oxymoron discovered...flickering consistence...its hurting badly now...inside...i guess, there is really nothing that i can do abt it this time...it doesn't matter in this case, bcos it involves my departure...but i'm worried...i guess thats what's been bothering me...i mean, this was the first ans i got : NO...just like that...i asked to think it over, and no ans again, which prolly means that the first ans stil stands...this complicates things more i guess...it just causes more hurt and grief when it happens...not to me, but to abang...so yea, thats what i'm worried abt, him...how now...i can only go ahead and do what i have to...but it will, undoubtably, affect abang as well...and its that consequence that really unclear to me right now...i wonder whether it will be impactful, or no...or will it just be something that passes...i honestly dunno...what can i do, but worry abt it at this point?
some new stuff...ok the camp left me with a huge bite on my leg which has stopped itching at this pt...was ok, i guess...i came home early and did not sleep well bcos of my back pains...so i was up blog hopping at arnd three...in my smoky clothes...then i spent the next few days recuperating...house work and stuff...just depressed, not in the mood to think abt my doings...
had a chat with veli...i apologize for being sorry company...but i hope you get my meaning...i shall post another entry for you soon there so you get further what i mean...it seems you take me lightly on this one, and i'm glad you do...at least, i can rest assured that i hurt one and not both...thank you for that...love you loads...
6/15/2004 10:41:00 ap.
sunnuntai, kesäkuuta 13, 2004
d e p a r t u r e
i'm back frm camp. didn't sleep much. infact, i spent all the nites up...my back was killing me, so i came home this morning at about 3...don't wish to blog on this...was just up most of the time...thinking...or helping to cook...i smell of smoke now...
just...upset right now...have no desire to blog much right now...my departure is nearing anyway...
6/13/2004 08:35:00 ap.
perjantaina, kesäkuuta 11, 2004
t i r e d
very unbearably sad...bos of yesterday's conversation with abang...don't feel like blogging abt this one...it hurts me to bad to let me...
i'm slipping...falling again...and this time, i'm falling hard...real hard...
yesterday had chem with mrs glow...it was fast, and ok i guess...
this feeling...it hurts...
i could always snatch it away...but i even gave a decision, to let me or not to let me...how could i have been so blind? to put such a heavy burden on abang's shoulders? and yet, it bewilders me...he seems as if he wants it...why abang, why? i've no idea why...and the he refused to give me the reason...i just want you not to carry any burdens any more...
i'm tired...but i will be away for 3 days...starting today of course, going to camp at the beach with relatives...be back on sunday...abangism, pls try to contact me...i want to know, why do you wish to carry that responsibility, though i think you know yourself that it isn't fair towards you, or me...please...mail me or something...i'll be near carpark A, pit 32...
6/11/2004 03:44:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 09, 2004
m i s e r a b l e
i'm awfully miserable today...woke up early and wentto sch for chem lesson...didn't even have the heart to chat with anyone, so i just sat alone without bothering abt anyone else...tears...in sch, but it aint term time, so i am safe...i thought abt everything...abt the pain, the tears that i'm denied...how much i have been a burden to abang and veli, as much as they want to deny the fact...and i wanted to, oh yes...again, its crossed my mind...plan aft plan within that 2 hrs...i was sitting near the door, the nearest seat to the windows, and i did not even gaze out as i usually do...just looked down, and flipped the pages blindly...and when i looked up, i saw the crepe paper on the noticeboard...
orange...what could i do but let the tears flow while i thought of abangism...its been long, very long...and since recent events when i found that lonesome found happiness...its my fault, trusting someone so blindly...but all i can do is be happy for him...it still hurts though...and all i feel is more tired...
went to watch happy potter the day before, and had a blast...but when i was going home, i looked out the mrt windows and realised what a fool i was...thinking that by focusing on distractions, i would forget...it didn't make me forget, just intensified the pain...i realise now, every time i try to push it out of my head, it comes back and hits me in the heart...plans, thats all i had...i used to carry out those plans, and at least, i had some way of accomplishing what i wanted...now, i'm given no path to follow...i feel like i'm floating round aimlessly...so what if i pass the O's with flying colours...it won't make me any happier, bcos that isn't that path that i wanted to follow...the road that i chose was a simple...dark, and uncomplicated...it took little effort to follow, for the destination was near...its as if, i can see my goal, but i'm held back by an invisible force...and
orange net...yes, i'm talking abt abangism...the brotherly love he showers upon me is considered a good thing, and i shower sisterly love in return...but my burning desire is greater than this love i have for the three...abang, veli and kor...its much greater...the darkness overwhelms me more...bcos i know for a fact, there is no way that they can always be there for me...and i want to take care of this by myself now...i wanted to not speak, and yet i spoke...and it got me this far, with only more pain...why should i, i wonder...
so know i'm back at the crossroads...choosing between carrying on and going...and i think i know what my heart is saying...my head, is till in doubt...to all those ppl who think i'm a gone case...i admit its true...but i'm not totally gone, for my head and heart do not agree...so i'm left with no choice but to watch and see what other events happen...and see how much more this pain i'll have to endure without the three by my side...they have a holiday...they deserve it...and i think they should not be bothering abt me...i wonder what i'll do if any one turns up online...been in hiding...pls let them have a good hols...
i'm sorry orange, i cried again...for i couldn't pretend anymore, not even for you
h e a r t v s h e a d
6/09/2004 12:24:00 ip.
maanantaina, kesäkuuta 07, 2004
b u r n i n g d e s i r e
oh wow, woke up early today...meaning? another bad day...feel awfully pissed...wish i could kill that person...yes, THAT person...fed up mann...whats with this sending me this and that...makes my days worse than they already are...have to go to school and see that person's black face...sheesh...just leave me alone will you? and leave my beloved siblings alone...i'm sick of you...do you hear me? f*** off!!!
yea, on with my story...i woke up early this morning for science practical...walked to school in the rain and man, was it cold...so yea, i reached...my sis still had not gone off for her trip...and so yea, the tower had ppl...later we went for our practical, Chem was quite straightforward...Physics took me quite some time to understand what set up they wanted...that over and done with, i came home...went to sleep...and woke up...
so why was my day bad? bcos i found something abt someone over the weekend and its still on my mind...i trusted, so much, and nothing? and now this stupid person who is irritating the life out of me, and like getting closer to my siblings? to what, steal them away like everything else this person has stole? oh please, you got your own bros everywhere, more than twice the number of mine, so yea, just buzz off...
i wish i could kill you...never seen the evil side of me have you...now you can, if you come one step closer...i'll kill you, then the person behind you...all your bros...your family...and i'll take pleasure in killing them, one by one...watch the terrified looks on their faces...smash in their skulls...watch the crimson liquid that stain my hands and my blade...stained red by all that i've slaughtered...you'll suffer not the fate of a human in my hands, but that of an animal...for i shall kill you like one...i warn you...and after commiting that sin, i shall commit one more...by klling myself aft killing all of you...i sincerely hope you go to heaven...so that i don't have to endure the sight your face in hell...
its this burning desire...i wish to get out of this place soon...out of P**S...out of home...if possible, out of this world...then out of this life that i have to live now...makes my day bad...why? bcos i love my three ppl too much...and since i made that promise...and know that if i do anything, i will hurt them...i will not do anything, but sit and await the great disappearing act to take me away...i'm sorry i have to think this way...its just that ppl are making life more difficult...i hate holding on, and it hurts to do so...but i have to, not for me, but for someone else...to this someone else, i love you...so don't tell me that i am doing something wrong...for anything out of a sisterly love such as mine is considered a pure act, and something good...
b u r n i n g d e s i r e
6/07/2004 09:49:00 ap.
lauantaina, kesäkuuta 05, 2004
j a m x
let see...another normal day...which means, generally bad...so, i woke up this morning bcos of a full fledged thunder storm...so i took a cold shower, and rushed to school for a workshop...it was ok i guess, just that they were preaching lots...i think the other workshops i've attended are more useful, particularly the one conducted by mr vimal...deep stuff, yet motivating...and oh yes! what am i missing? FUN...it was fun, nothing like this workshop where we basically sat on the floor and listened to them speak...whatever
got home...as usual, mummy asked me what to cook...for gdness sake, how would i know? then i had a gd sleep...aft that i woke up, and read...then was bored the entire day...until i discovered that my lil bro was fed up as well, and so i ajak him go cycling lah...what to do...at least i had some crazy moments...esp since my bike is one with no lights, brakes that don't function, no bell, and a front tire that wobbles all over the place bcos it aint fixed rite...so yea, i was going at break neck speed everywhere, and knocked into some ppl *oops*...and i also ended up going round in dark areas where chills were going up and down my back...and i basically was being crazy...
so we went round the park, towards EPPS...then aft that towards loyang pt...the moment i picked up speed i remembered...dang, todays JamX...and i wasn't inside, what was i doing? hanging outside...why? bcos my mother didn't allow me to go...so me and kalle headed towards mcdonalds, and he insisted i buy 4 ice creams and finish it there...so i queued...so malu, guess who appeared beside me? mr rasdeen...of all ppl, my PE teach had to appear then and there when i was buying something really sinful...
aft that aisam and isa emerged frm the outside...just came frm the concert...then we finished up, and i left for toilet when i say megan and my iso veli...he looked cool...stripes in hair...ermm...but clothing wise, cool...man, was he surprised to see me...sad i didn't see my kor...
so yea, thats my day...my bad day...not bcos of the workshops, or the crazy bike, or meeting ppl...but bcos of what i thought throughout...yes, i confess...i'm losing it again...and i mean, really losing it...i don't see a pt anymore...bcos of the deal, i am not thinking abt anything right now...but i'm getting tired, really tired...meaning, i will break down soon...and this time, worse than before...because i have suppressed everything more this time...fought to keep secrets...fought to perfect my act...i fought, for everything...and i fought a battle which i lost...and i will fight no more...i don't care if a keen lance, or a poisoned spear pierces my heart, and i take my last breath...taking my last breath now seems awfully tempting, and a very good thing to do...and since i can't even do that, i have to sit and wait for it to happen...
i w i s h t o m e e t t h e k n i g h t w h o c a n s a v e m e
6/05/2004 01:40:00 ip.
perjantaina, kesäkuuta 04, 2004
s e a
if not for Pulau ubin, there would have been no difference between the sky and sea...the sun was already out of sight, and i delighted in the sweet sea breeze that brushed the hair out of my eyes...the gold was fading in the distance, and pastel blues, idigo, and violet blended into one another...a large grey cloud pulled itself over the sky like a great curtain, shutting out the light from above...glimmering in the distance were the lights of the ships that were passing by...
yup, that is a description of what i say today...at the beach...spent some time thinking peacefully...and then was jolted out of my thoughts by my mother screaming at the top of her voice...ridiculous...i hate it when she does that, never gives me a time to think in peace...all that serenity, gone...spoilt...the evening, tainted with bitterness...like everthing else in life...gems come abt bcos of the impurities in them...a sapphire has copper in it, making it blue...if not, it'd be a perfect white...me? i'm tainted...impure...snow is not pure water...i'm like the snow...impure...a winter baby, born to be so...with the sea-faring blood coursing through my veins...a child not just of winter, but also of the sea...both impure, just like me...
i wish to return to the sea...one day, i shall get my chance...i wish i could do it now...but clearly, circumstances do not allow me to...wishes are hopeless...all i ever wished for, or prayed come true never did...oh wow...whats the point anymore...
see what happens when i go to the beach? i end up "funny"...hooray for the angel of death...unfortunately, i am not within his grasp...not just yet...i dunno when, but not now...
t h e s e a a n d s k y c a l l i n g m e
6/04/2004 02:13:00 ip.
torstaina, kesäkuuta 03, 2004
s c h o o l
school today...the usual fungicide class...2 of the mushrooms dieded...wow...then recess, combined A math class, and finally CH's lesson...then a councillor meeting...sigh sigh...one more day to go, then we have our Sc practical examinations...and then Harry Potter with the class...and aft that, camping at the beach...fun-ness...
today was one of the few days which were not bad...bcos mummy got no chance to nag lah...and the argument btw me and abang settle already...i'm sorry, just didn't like seeing you degrade yourself...love you loads ya? *muakz*...since that was settled, it made things better...also gave the book to iso veli...he is coming along real well...he aint ans me now, prolly playing game again...but just now he spoke real well...rakastan sinua yhtä paljon kun abang...really...
so yea, aft that mummy had even less chance of nagging bcos i went to sleep...and woke up kinda late...and then my bro offered me chocolate...and there was choc ice cream...hmm...well, i'm not like the ultimate choc fan ( i seldom eat, i think my abg and veli know that)...but ice cream, and since i was in the mood, yea, i ate some...
oh well, i dunno how long this will last...for sure, i know that though it wasn't a bad day, i was not happy still...something's missing...and something else should be missing, but isn't...its painful...like a jigsaw puzzle thats been forced into a part where it actually doesn't fit...a misfit...thats what i am, and always been...i should be missing...but i dunno what is missing at this point in time...not sure that i want to find out...i actually was going well, ice cream and all...until i stumbled across something in one of my blogs...and everything, why i don't want to be here...the tiredness that i tr to forget...the stupid pain that i try to mask...everything came back...
perhaps i should stop pretending that everything is ok, really...bcos it really aint...yes, i've tried pretending, for not just my own sake, but for others, that everything is hunky-dory...newsflash: it isnt...i'm haunted by the spirits of my past...by the problems...no, there is no way i can let go...bcos not only am i haunted, they plague me right now...i know, if abg were to read this, he'd prolly avoid me...start treating me coldly again...you know what abang, it doesn't help when you do so...if you choose to, go ahead, i will care for you no less...bcos i know when you choose such, you just wish not to make me cry again...but i'm tired of pretending that everything is ok...i know you know so...and i know that you can see it in my eyes, as you have told me before...but though you know, you've never had to face it...i wish not you make you do so...for it will hurt you, and i said before that i did not want to do so...these ghosts, they are mine, not yours...don't try to take the blow for me...i will take it alone...you can't help me anymore...all you will be doing is hurting yourself in the process...don't try anymore...please...
i t i s u p t o m e a l o n e
6/03/2004 11:23:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, kesäkuuta 02, 2004
p i k k u s i s k o j a h a n e n v e l i
first and foremost, i wish all my Buddhists a happy Vesak day...
so last night i sent the cookies...then i got home...had some time with my former master online...thank you loads...btw, he's my former master now bcos he's stopped being a master and a veli instead...cool aye...minun oma iso veli...so that makes me a pikku sisko...for those people who are either non-Finn or not my veli, go find out yourself what veli and sisko mean...coolness...
it was incredible the way things went aft that...i thought he was like being sarcastic or something...anteeksi *oops*...but he acherlie wasn't and asked me to call him at that very moment...so i did...so cool, nv had anyone that interested in my language...äidin kieli...so i spent that time teaching everything that i could abt Finnish...and it was like, a whole pressie...a whole language...i still can't get over how cool it is...
i slept quite late, and i woke up like at 9...which is extremely late fer me to wake up...so i made breakfast...interesting...then i asked whether i was going out at all...park again...the beach acherlie...i think minun veli knows what its like when i go to the beach...i know what its like fer him as well...i'll have to endure though, its a family occassion...maybe can play with my cuzzies...that is if that mina coming along lah...who else but nurul...siao lah she..
olet aina minun sydämellä...
p i k k u s i s k o j a h a n e n v e l i
6/02/2004 03:07:00 ap.
tiistaina, kesäkuuta 01, 2004
m y r i a d
the word for today: myriad.
as in, myriad of reasons, or myriad of colours
such a nice word...
so besides me babbling abt words, i had yet another normal day...meaning, my day was B-A-D...and today was extremely bad...went to sch, only to find master was not coming...had to talk abt camp...then stupid things like that lah, sorta spoiled everything...went home, no one but my sis...did some stuff...had a conversation online with abang...and as usual, things had to get worse by an argument btw me and him...stupid...i just don't like it when he degrades himself ya...i mean, if i'm expected not to do so...shouldn't he as well...at least believe in himself...and not call himself stupid...so yea, thats what we argued about...also i'm getting fed up with the incessant nagging coming from someone who i'm not supposed to be fed up with...stupid stupid stupid
ok...since my own abang degrades himself...i shall follow...i'm a let down...such a disappointment...bcos i can't even make my own sibling believe in himself...and because i dunno if i can hold on anymore...and bcos that person has not contacted me in like soo many weeks...and oh...this one last reason...bcos i'm ALIVE...stupid stupid stupid me...why didn't i just die at birth?
so i slept aft that...aft a lot alot of crying...bcos of this stupid argument...woke up later, and went to send the cookies...hope they are fine in someone's tummy...and do justice...
stupid stupid stupid stupid...
i wish this deal was off...it seems to give that one pressure, bcos have to study...and it torments me as i can't do what i want...that is, that thing...i'm not even allowed to be funny...so it torments me and pressurises him...why did i agree in the first place? oh ya...bcos i take my friends seriously and want them to do well...esp this friend whom i even call brother...nv have i called someone abang, not even that vile creature *spits*...and i do him, so imagine how much it hurts when i see him degrading himself...what can i do but cry...
i m a b a n g m y h e a d a g a i n s t t h e w a l l
6/01/2004 12:48:00 ip.